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THE  LIBRARY 
OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


FREDERIC  THOMAS  BLANCHARD 

FOR  THE 

ENGLISH  READING  ROOM 


^fuu&txjuc  "Tf&^AM^JuAJ^ 


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Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 

in  2007  with  funding  from 

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http://www.archive.org/details/completeworkslif02steriala 


Ottinn  !r?Cux£ 


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TERJ 


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AND  OPINIONS 


RISTRAM    SHANDY 


The  Smoking  Batteries 


l&ttum  lelCux? 


THE  COMPLETE  WORKS  AND 
LIFE  OF 

LAURENCE  [STERNE 

VOLUME  TWO 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS  OF 


TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


IN  FOUR  VOLUMES 


VOLS.  Ill  AND  IV 


'1 


THE       CLONMEL       SOCIETY 

NEW   YORK  AND  LONDON 


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Copyright,  1899,  by 
J.  F.  Taylor  &  Company 


INTRODUCTION 


INTRODUCTION 

YORICK'S  PLAGIARISMS 

STERNE'S  master-stroke  of  humor  was  re- 
served for  posterity.  In  the  view  of  his 
contemporaries  he  possessed  not  only  a 
manner  of  his  own,  but  a  matter  of  his  own. 
His  great  merit  was  originality.  But  some 
twenty  years  after  his  death  it  began  to  be 
whispered  about  that  Yorick  had  stolen  his 
fancies  from  this  and  that  writer.  In  1789, 
the  European  Magazine  subjected  his  sermons 
to  the  damaging  test  of  the  parallel  column ; 
and  two  years  later  a  Manchester  physician, 
one  John  Ferriar,  read  a  paper  before  the 
Literary  and  Philosophical  Society  of  that  city, 
on  "the  sources  from  which  Sterne  drew 
his  rich  singularities,"  especially  for  Tristram 
Shandy.  The  dissertation,  afterwards  enlarged, 
was  twice  published  separately  under  the  title 
of  Illustrations  of  Sterne.  It  is  needless  to  say 
that  this  very  remarkable  piece  of  erudition, 


INTRODUCTION 

whereby  the  learned  Doctor  has  connected  his 
name  with  Sterne  by  an  immortal  tie,  came  as 
a  surprise  to  the  literary  world.  Others  have 
since  followed  in  the  paths  opened  by  Ferriar, 
so  that  I  suppose  some  sort  of  original  may  be 
pointed  out  for  nearly  every  incident  and  smart 
saying  in  Tristram  Shandy,  from  the  winding 
up  of  the  clock  to  Uncle  Toby's  experiences 
with  the  Widow  Wadman.  And  that  the 
chain  of  evidence  against  Sterne  may  be  with- 
out breaks,  some  successful  attempts  have  been 
made  to  prove  that  the  books  from  which  the 
parson  stole  were  actually  in  the  libraries  of 
Shandy  Hall  or  Crazy  Castle.  Sterne  has  cer- 
tainly succeeded  in  his  practical  joke.  The 
learned  times  to  which  he  looked  forward  have 
come,  and  a  book  which  was  written  for  our 
mirth  has  undergone  from  the  scholar's  eye 
the  minute  examination  accorded  to  a  serious 
classic  like  Milton  or  Shakespeare. 

I  do  not  wish  to  write  a  tractate  on  poor 
Yorick's  plagiarisms  ;  but  as  the  theme  is  so 
replete  with  humor,  I  can  hardly  refrain  from 
adding  my  own  observations  to  those  of  learned 
men.  Sterne  told  his  friends  over  at  Stilling- 
ton  Hall  —  sub  rosa,  of  course  —  what  books 
"  he  studied  most."    He  mentioned  the  excel- 


INTRODUCTION 

lent  Contemplations  of  Bishop  Hall,  from  which 
were  taken  texts  and  general  outlines,  with  oc- 
casional paragraphs,  for  his  sermons  ;  a  novel 
by  Marivaux  called  the  Paysanne  Parvenue, 
from  which  a  certain  sentimental  naivete  passed 
over  into  the  Sentimental  Journey  ;  the  Moyen 
de  Parvenir,  an  old  French  medley  by  Beroalde 
de  Verville,  containing  jests  and  anecdotes 
which  it  is  supposed  suggested  the  quaint 
and  whimsical  conversations  at  Shandy  Hall ; 
and  Montaigne's  Essays,  where  something 
was  discovered  on  unpropitious  names.  More 
important  than  any  of  these,  was  Sterne's  men- 
tion to  the  Crofts  of  Rabelais  —  "  My  dear 
Rabelais "  linked  in  Tristram  Shandy  with 
"my  dearer  Cervantes."  Sterne,  as  we  have 
seen,  foregathered  with  a  club  organized  for 
reading  Rabelais  and  the  literature  of  his  school. 
And  in  a  general  way  Tristram  Shandy  be- 
longs to  the  class  of  facetious  books  of  which 
Pantagruel  is  the  type.  There  may  be,  too, 
in  Sterne  far  off  echoes  of  specific  scenes  and 
incidents  in  Rabelais.  When  Gargantua  was 
born,  his  father,  noting  his  immense  size,  ex- 
claimed Que  grand  tu  as  !  and  so  the  boy  was 
called  Gargantua.  Without  this  incident,  it 
is  to  be  understood,  Sterne's  hero  would  never 


INTRODUCTION 

have  been  misnamed  Tristram.  Rabelais  also 
has  something  to  say  about  long  and  short 
noses,  explaining  how  they  are  engendered  ; 
but  Sterne,  it  is  said,  did  not  derive  his  fancy 
from  this  source,  so  much  as  from  a  prologue 
upon  noses  in  Bruscambille's  Pensees  Face- 
ticuses,  a  copy  of  which  was  picked  up  by 
Sterne  at  a  book  stall.  After  all,  it  must 
be  said,  the  resemblances  between  Tristram 
Shandy  and  Pantagruel  are  far  less  in  number 
and  in  importance  than  the  differences.  Ra- 
belais satirized  in  a  grotesque  way  the  abuses  of 
scholasticism  and  speculative  opinions  in  gen- 
eral. This  aim  appears  only  as  a  minor  motif 
in  Sterne ;  and  satire  becomes  with  him  a 
delightful  irony.  Uncle  Toby,  I  take  it,  may 
owe  something  to  the  Knight  of  La  Mancha. 
Each  has  had  his  head  turned  by  his  reading ; 
the  one  by  the  romances  of  chivalry,  and 
the  other  by  military  tales  and  the  graver 
books  on  the  art  of  war.  But  beyond  this 
device  for  explaining  Uncle  Toby's  hobby- 
horse, there  is  no  reason  to  suppose  that 
Tristram  Shandy  would  have  been  much  dif- 
ferent from  what  it  is,  had  there  been  no  Don 
Quixote.  The  large  intelligence  of  Cervantes, 
whereby  he  made  his  hero  a  symbol  of  human 


INTRODUCTION 

life,  was  denied  to  Sterne.  On  the  other  hand, 
Sterne  knew  best  how  to  play  with  the  follies 
of  men  in  a  kindly  manner,  as  if  they  were  all 
his  own  —  and  I  suspect  that  they  were  all  his 
own  :  for,  like  Uncle  Toby,  he  had  a  bowling 
green  in  the  house-garden  at  Coxwold,  and  like 
Walter  Shandy  he  was  fond  of  dialectics. 

I  fear  that  I  should  prove  uninteresting, 
should  I  go  on  to  name  the  many  miscellane- 
ous books  —  old,  quaint,  and  some  of  them  in 
black  letter  —  where  Sterne  could  have  derived 
hints  for  many  of  his  notable  things.  It  is 
more  agreeable  to  give  the  result  without  the 
details.  Uncle  Toby's  oath  has  been  taken 
from  Sterne  and  given  to  the  mediaeval  church, 
for  it  is  an  old  monkish  superstition  that  sin  is 
washed  out  by  tears.  Uncle  Toby's  fly  is  no 
longer  an  original  fancy,  for  was  not  Margaret 
Duchess  of  Newcastle  of  so  tender  heart  that 
she  could  not  hurt  a  fly  ?  And  did  not  the 
first  King  James  of  England  curse  a  fly  that 
came  smack  into  his  eye  when  out  hunting 
one  day  ?  Did  not  His  Majesty  ask  the  inso- 
lent insect  why  he  wished  to  lodge  there  when 
three  great  kingdoms  were  left  him  for  roam- 
ing ?  And  that  proverb  of  Yorick's  —  "  God 
tempers  the  wind  to  the  shorn  lamb  "  —  so  fine 

XT 


INTRODUCTION 

in  feeling  and  in  melody  that  clergymen  have 
taken  it  for  a  text  and  then  searched  the  Scrip- 
tures for  it  in  vain  —  is  really  so  old  that  no- 
body knows  how  old  it  is.  Translating  it  from 
the  French,  George  Herbert  said  "  To  a  shorn 
sheep  God  gives  wind  by  measure."  When  in 
France,  Yorick  expressed  the  wish  that  the 
Disposer  of  all  things  might  ordain  that  he 
should  die  not  in  his  own  house  but  rather  in 
"  some  decent  inn,"  provided  he  might  be  per- 
mitted to  stipulate  that  it  should  not  be  the 
inn  at  Abbeville,  where  he  was  then  staying. 
And  he  did  die  at  a  lodging  house  in  Old  Bond 
street.  In  this  supreme  incident  of  his  life, 
Sterne  was  anticipated  nearly  a  century  by 
Archbishop  Leighton,  who  often  said  that  he 
should  like  to  die  at  an  inn,  and  in  his  old  age 
he  succumbed  to  an  attack  of  pleurisy  at  the 
Bell  Inn,  in  Warwick  Lane.  Others  no  doubt 
have  wished  to  be  alone,  away  from  afflicted 
friends,  in  their  last  moments ;  and  others 
surely  have  died  at  London  inns.  As  an  in- 
decorous parson,  afterwards  distinguished  for  an 
indecorous  book,  Sterne  had  a  predecessor  in 
the  Italian  Bandello,  a  Dominican  monk,  who 
wrote  his  merry  tales  without  thought  of  what 
might  be  appropriate  to  his  sacred  order.     For 


INTRODUCTION 

taking  this  last  vestige  of  originality  from 
Sterne  the  credit  belongs  to  his  life-long  friend, 
John  Hall- Stevenson. 

Notwithstanding  all  this  and  much  else 
from  the  learned  wits,  Sterne  really  borrowed, 
in  the  passages  whereby  Sterne  is  Sterne, 
nothing  beyond  the  usual  practice  of  men  of 
letters  in  all  times.  "  Art  is  all  —  materiam 
super abat  opus"  says  an  old  writer  presently 
to  be  quoted  again.  "  'Tis  the  placing,"  he 
goes  on  to  say,  of  the  gay  feathers  you  take 
from  others,  "and  ordering  'em  in  such  deli- 
cate Lights  and  Shades,  that  only  makes  'em 
so  inimitably  Beautiful  and  Lovely."  That 
art  of  placing,  ordering,  and  transfusing  with 
his  own  genius,  Sterne  had  to  a  most  remark- 
able degree.  The  shorn  sheep,  the  fly  of  King 
James,  and  the  sinner's  penitent  tear  were  as 
nothing  before  they  received  from  Sterne  the 
last  touch  of  art  and  of  form.  Bishop  War- 
burton  once  presented  this  master  in  letters 
with  a  parcel  of  books  for  the  improvement 
of  his  style. 

When  in  after-dinner  conversation  at  Still- 
ington  Hall,  Sterne  let  the  Crofts  into  the 
secret  of  the  books  to  which  he  owed  most, 
he  forgot  to  name  the  really  important  ones. 

vol.  in.  — b  xvii 


INTRODUCTION 

That  too  was  like  him.  It  was  left  to  Dr. 
Ferriar  to  discover  that  Sterne  helped  himself 
at  will  to  Robert  Burton's  Anatomy  of  Mel- 
ancholy —  a  famous  treatise  into  which  every 
educated  man  was  once  supposed  to  dip  at  the 
very  least.  "  It  was  the  only  book,"  said  Bos- 
well  of  Dr.  Johnson,  "  that  ever  took  him 
out  of  bed  two  hours  sooner  than  he  wished  to 
rise."  All  the  way  through  Tristram  Shandy, 
from  the  first  to  the  last  book,  there  are  remi- 
niscences of  Burton,  sometimes  in  the  quaint 
phrasing,  more  often  in  the  topic  for  a  digres- 
sion. And  when  Yorick  wrote  his  fifth  book, 
he  had,  1  fear,  the  Anatomy  spread  out  before 
him.  The  episode  of  the  Lady  Baussiere,  who 
"  rode  on  " ;  Walter  Shandy's  system  of  edu- 
cation for  Tristram ;  his  eloquent  lament  for 
the  death  of  his  eldest  son  Bobby,  with  scraps 
on  how  men  have  died,  purporting  to  be  quota- 
tions from  a  score  of  writers,  ancient  and  mod- 
ern ;  and  the  letter  of  Servius  Sulpicius  to 
Cicero  in  consolation  for  the  death  of  the  ora- 
tor's daughter  Tullia  —  are  all  taken  straight 
from  Burton.  It  would  be  difficult  to  find  in 
any  other  writer  of  the  first  order  so  direct 
conveyancing.  Sterne's  conduct  is  here,  it 
must  be  admitted,  something  of  an  enigma. 

*viii 


INTRODUCTION 

Was  the  Curate  of  Coxwold  at  the  time  of  com- 
position in  a  particularly  unmoral  mood  as  well 
as  in  a  hurry  ?  Perhaps  so.  But  it  should  be 
noted  that  the  fifth  book  of  Tristram  opens 
with  an  abuse  of  plagiarists,  —  and  in  language 
only  changed  in  slight  degree  from  the  intro- 
duction to  the  Anatomy.  "  As  apothecaries," 
says  Burton,  "we  make  new  mixtures  every 
day,  pour  out  of  one  vessel  into  another  #  #  # 
we  weave  the  same  web  still,  twist  the  same 
rope  again  and  again."  And  now  for  Sterne. 
"  Shall  we,"  he  asks,  "  forever  make  new 
books,  as  apothecaries  make  new  mixtures,  by 
pouring  only  out  of  one  vessel  into  another  ? 
Are  we  forever  to  be  twisting,  and  untwisting 
the  same  rope  ? "  Sterne  perhaps  has  stated 
the  matter  better  than  Burton,  but  there  is  no 
essential  difference  between  them.  Was  not 
Sterne  here  engaged  in  a  piece  of  mischief  ? 
—  Was  he  not  setting  a  trap  for  his  learned 
readers,  who  were  supposed  to  be  familiar 
with  the  A  natomij  ?  I  think  so.  If  he  laughed 
in  his  sleeve  to  find  that  he  was  not  dis- 
covered, he  would  have  laughed  outright, 
had  some  reviewer  accused  him  of  theft. 
The  jest  is  a  sorry  one,  perhaps  the  sorriest 
that  Yorick  ever  perpetrated  ;   and   the  fifth 


INTRODUCTION 

book  of  Tristram  Shandy  is  the  least  interesting 
of  them  all. 

I  now  come  to  a  fresher  incident  in  the 
theme.  Isaac  D'Israeli,  so  curious  in  out-of- 
the-way  learning,  once  remarked*  that  the 
prototype  of  Sterne's  whimsical  style  was  per- 
haps to  be  found  in  a  book  by  John  Dunton, 
a  London  bookseller  and  adventurer,  —  the 
same  John  Dunton  who,  owing  to  the  depres- 
sion of  trade  just  after  Monmouth's  rebellion, 
came  over  to  New  England  to  dispose  of  his 
surplus  stock  at  Boston.  The  book  is  entitled 
A  Voyage  Round  the  World  Or,  A  pocket 
Hibrarg  Containing  the  Rare  Adventures 
of  Don  Kainophilus,  During  his  Seven 
Years  $renttcesl)i}j.  The  whole  Work  in- 
terim ixt  with  instructions  for  the  Man- 
agement of  a  Mans  whole  Life.  The 
volume  is  so  rare  that  no  one  seems  to  have 
found  it  convenient  to  work  out  what  D'Is- 
raeli hints  at.  A  copy  of  the  book  was  owned 
by  the  late  James  Crossley,  an  English  anti- 
quarian, and  after  the  dispersion  of  his  library 
in  1885,  it  found  its  way  into  the  Boston  Pub- 
he  Library.     On  the  fly-leaf,  Crossley  wrote  : 

*  Consult  Nichols,  Literary  Anecdotes  of  the  Eighteenth 
Century,  IX.  631-2. 


INTRODUCTION 

"  Rodd  [Thomas  Rodd,  the  London  book- 
seller] once  showed  me  an  original  Letter  of 
Sterne  in  which  he  mentions  this  Work,  from 
which  he  took  many  of  his  Ideas  and  which 
he  had  met  with  in  a  London  Circulating 
Library.  As  the  present  Copy  came  from 
Hookham's  whose  Bookplate,  which  was  on 
the  original  boards,  I  have  pasted  opposite, 
there  is  little  doubt  that  this  was  the  identical 
copy  read  by  Sterne."  As  Hookham's  Library 
was  in  Old  Bond  street,  where  Sterne  usually 
put  up  when  in  London,  there  is  some  ground 
for  the  conjecture  with  which  Crossley  closes 
his  valuable  note.  If  we  may  not  hold  in  our 
hands  the  very  copy  of  Dunton  that  Sterne 
once  held  in  his  as  he  sat  in  his  London  lodg- 
ing —  and  we  hardly  dare  hope  that  —  we  may 
be  sure  that  we  are  reading  a  book  in  which 
he  took  great  delight. 

Any  one  opening  the  Voyage  Round  the 
World  with  the  expectation  of  discovering 
Tristram  Shandy  there,  will  be  greatly  disap- 
pointed. For  that  he  will  be  thrown  back 
upon  Sterne's  genius.  But  he  will  find  in  the 
mad  volume  hints  for  the  general  outline  of 
Shandy  and  for  some  of  Sterne's  wilder  extrav- 
agances of  manner.     Sterne  —  we  all  remem- 

xxi 


INTRODUCTION 

ber  —  starting  out  ab  ovo  with  the  conception 
of  Tristram,  comes  down  to  his  youth.  Had  he 
gone  on  with  two  volumes  a  year,  it  was  his 
plan,  so  he  told  Stephen  Croft,  to  "  travell  his 
Hero  Tristram  Shandy  all  over  Europe  and 
after  making  his  remarks  on  the  different 
Courts,  proceed  with  making  strictures  and 
reflections  on  the  different  Governments  of 
Europe  and  finish  the  work  with  an  eulogium 
on  the  superior  constitution  of  England  and  at 
length  to  return  Tristram  well  informed  and  a 
compleat  English  Gentleman."  Dunton  like 
wise  set  out  to  write  "  Cock-rambles "  which 
were  to  run  through  "  Four  and  Twenty  Vol- 
umes." Like  Sterne,  he  began  with  the  pre- 
natal history  of  Kainophilus  (a  name,  says  the 
author,  signifying  a  Love  of  News),  brought 
him  to  the  Cradle  and  into  Leading  Strings, 
and  from  his  birthplace,  somewhere  in  Buck- 
inghamshire, up  to  London  as  an  apprentice  to 
a  Bookseller.  As  a  preliminary  to  his  rambles 
round  the  world,  the  young  man  goes  back  to 
Buckingham  on  a  visit  to  his  father,  and  the 
narrative  is  hopelessly  lost  in  digressions  and 
moralizings.  The  Voyage,  like  Sterne's  Tris- 
tram, proves  to  be  a  journey  of  the  mind  over 
whimsical  ways  under  the  guidance  of  fancy. 


INTRODUCTION 

Kainophilus  will  begin,  for  example,  a  descrip- 
tion of  London  life,  and  then  shunt  off  to  the 
death  of  his  father,  and  before  proceeding  far 
on  this  melancholy  incident,  he  will  write  a 
disquisition  on  the  duties  of  children  to  their 
parents,  to  be  followed  by  the  history  of  his 
father.  Whether  the  narrative  ever  comes 
back  to  London,  I  am  not  sure.  To  this  "bob- 
cherry  "  sport  with  the  reader  Dunton  was  fond 
of  calling  attention.  "  I  tell  him  now,"  he  says 
in  one  place,  "  whatever  I  made  him  believe  in 
the  last  Chapter,  that  he's  not  like  to  hear  a 
word  more  on't  this  two  hours.  Thus  do  I 
love  to  elevate  and  surprize,  and  sprinkle  now 
and  then  some  of  that  same  in  my  writings 
which  is  so  remarkable  in  my  self — that  people 
shou'd  miss  what  they  expected  and  find  what 
they  never  lookt  for  —  tho'  both  still  very 
excellent  —  nor  must  you  think  I  do  this  with- 
out sound  advisement  and  sage  reason."  And 
again,  equally  like  Sterne,  he  remarks  "  /  love 
a  digression,  I  must  confess  with  all  my  heart, 
because  'tis  so  like  a  Ramble — ." 

The  notion,  too,  that  there  is  humor  in  plagi- 
arism Sterne  seems  to  have  derived  from  Dun- 
ton.  A  close  examination  of  the  Voyage — were 
that  worth  while  —  would  show  that  whole  sec- 

xxxh 


INTRODUCTION 

tions  of  it  are  cribbed  —  to  use  the  colloquia 
word  —  especially  from  Francis  Osborne's  Ad 
vice  to  a  Son,  a  once  popular  book.  To  his  prac 
tice,  Dunton  is  ever  recurring  in  playful  defence 
I  quoted  a  few  pages  back  his  observations  or 
borrowed  plumes.  Elsewhere  he  asks  "  Is  th< 
Honey  the  worse  because  the  Bee  sucks  it  ou 
of  many  Flowers  ?  Or  is  the  Spider's  Web  th< 
more  to  be  prais'd,  because  it  is  extracted  ou 
of  her  own  Bowels  ?  Wilt  thou  say,  the  Tay 
lor  did  not  make  the  Garment,  because  the  Clot! 
it  was  made  of  was  weav'd  by  the  Weaver  ? '' 
And  adds  "If  I  steal  from  others,  'tis  tha 
they  may  say  for  me,  what  either  for  want  o 
Language  or  want  of  Sence  I  cannot  mysel 
express."  The  two  writers  —  Sterne  and  Dun 
ton  —  are  still  nearer  akin  in  typographica 
eccentricities.  In  Dunton,  there  are  dashes  o 
varied  length  up  to  a  half  line  ;  italics  are  em 
ployed  for  reasons  no  one  can  divine  ;  and  in 
dex  hands  are  not  uncommon.  A  page  mai 
be  printed  in  type  of  different  sizes  and  kinds 
including  black  letter;  or,  I  suppose  for  em 
phasis,  a  page  may  be  all  in  capitals.  Anc 
a  fictitious  authority  is  sometimes  quoted  ii 
a  foot-note.  Anent  some  trivial  remark,  w< 
have,  for  instance,  this   at  the  bottom  of  i 


INTRODUCTION 

page :  "  Venter  non  habet  Aures,  says  learned 
Nimshag,  an  ancient  Utopian  Philosopher,  in 
his  treatise  of  the  Antiquity  of  Gingerbread, 
lib.  7.  pag.  300000000." 

It  is  much  pleasanter  to  read  about  Dunton's 
Voyage  with  a  quotation  or  two  than  to  read 
the  book  itself.  Except  for  a  bright  patch  here 
and  there,  it  is  as  dull  as  any  one  may  imagine. 
It  is  to  good  prose  what  doggerel  is  to  good 
verse.  But  a  most  interesting  fact  nevertheless 
remains :  —  Sterne  at  one  time  read  it,  and  to 
him  there  was  a  design  in  it  and  a  manner  which 
needed  but  premeditated  art  and  order  for  its 
transformation  into  something  new  and  strange 
in  literature. 

One  other  book — and  it  is  the  book  of  all 
books  —  should  be  mentioned  in  considering 
Sterne.  At  the  University  he  read  An  Essay 
on  the  Humane  Understanding,  just  added  to 
the  philosophical  curriculum ;  and  unlike  most 
college  text  books,  it  became  a  companion 
throughout  life.  The  great  Locke,  the  saga- 
cious Locke,  Sterne  calls  the  author,  who  wrote 
"  a  history-book  of  what  passes  in  a  man's  own 
mind,"  even  explaining  how  apparently  unre- 
lated ideas  may  pop  into  Mrs.  Shandy's  poor 
head.    Locke's  doctrine  of  associated  ideas  cer- 


INTRODUCTION 

tainly  impressed  Sterne  greatly  ;  and  upon  it 
he  organized  his  whole  work,  lending  to  mad- 
ness a  kind  of  method.  For  run  as  wildly  as 
his  ideas  may  into  this  path  or  into  that  path, 
the  nexus  is  never  broken.  This  carefully  laid 
train  of  ideas  has  prevented  Sterne's  book  from 
going  the  way  of  Dunton's  and  saved  it  for 
art.  Sterne  was,  to  be  sure,  no  philosopher,  but 
from  Locke  came  that  love  for  playing  with  ab- 
struse thinking  exemplified  in  Walter  Shandy. 
And  there  and  elsewhere  Sterne  assumes 
Locke's  attitude  towards  scholastic  and  theo- 
logical pedantry,  though  he  is  borne  by  humor, 
of  course,  far  beyond  the  philosopher's  serious- 
ness, into  banter  and  burlesque.  There  is,  too, 
I  suppose,  some  logical  connection  between  the 
philosophy  of  Locke  and  Sterne's  sentimental- 
ism.  Locke  repudiated  the  notion  of  innate 
ideas,  holding  that  all  knowledge  is  derived 
from  our  sensations.  Wherefore  it  was  quite 
natural  that  the  literature  following  in  the  wake 
of  his  influence  should  be  a  literature  not  so 
much  of  ideas  as  of  emotions,  not  so  much  of 
the  intellect  as  of  the  heart.  At  any  rate  so 
it  was.  The  test  of  an  author's  success  soon 
became  his  ability  to  evoke  the  tear.  There 
was    Richardson,    over    whose     Pamela    and 


INTRODUCTION 

Clarissa,  people  sobbed  as  if  their  hearts  would 
break.  There  was  Rousseau,  who  sat  by  Lake 
Geneva  watching  his  tears  as  they  dripped  into 
the  water.  And  finally  there  was  Sterne,  who, 
because  he  could  laugh  as  well  as  weep,  was 
able  also  to  create  an  Uncle  Toby,  the  best 
character  that  has  come  to  us  out  of  the 
sentimental  mood. 


xx  vii 


STERNE  IN  LITERATURE 

HOW  Sterne  with  his  strange  and  new 
manner  was  received  by  his  contem- 
poraries has  been  described.  He  was 
repudiated  by  literary  men  who  held  to  tradi- 
tional ways.  He  was  welcomed  by  the  large 
public,  then  as  always  ready  to  accept  a  novel 
fashion  in  letters.  It  now  remains  to  describe 
■ — but  it  must  be  briefly — how  his  influence  en- 
tered into  the  literature  of  the  next  generation 
and  again  into  that  of  a  later  time.  Sterne  was 
first  taken  up  by  the  scribblers,  who  thought 
to  make  a  few  guineas  by  imitating  him  or 
abusing  him,  or  by  doing  both  at  the  same 
time.  Even  before  Sterne  left  London  after 
his  first  great  reception  there  in  the  spring  of 
1760,  the  "  writing  mills  "  had  begun  to  grind 
out  shilling  pamphlets  of  which  he  or  his  book 
was  the  theme,  and  by  midsummer  and  autumn 
they  were  running  at  full  speed.  The  pam- 
phlets at  first  assumed  the  critical  and  abusive 
attitude.     As  early  as  April,  a  writer  calling 


INTRODUCTION 

himself  Dr.  Jeremiah  Kunastrokius  issued  a 
disquisition  on  the  morals  and  politics  of  Tris- 
tram Shandy,  and  in  the  same  or  the  next 
month  appeared  the  really  funny  Clockmakers 
Outcry  against  the  Author  of  the  Life  and 
Opinions  of  Tristram  Shandy,  with  a  dedica- 
tion to  "the  most  humble  of  Christian  prel- 
ates," that  is,  to  Bishop  Warburton,  who  was 
anything  but  humble.  The  author  claimed,  in 
allusion  to  the  notorious  incident  with  which 
Tristram  Shandy  opens,  that  there  was  no 
longer  any  sale  for  clocks  among  respectable 
people  ;  for  Sterne  had  brought  the  word  into 
contempt  and  all  orders  were  being  rapidly 
countermanded.  Then  came  The  Life  and 
Opinions  of  Miss  Sukey  Shandy,  for  which  two 
shillings  was  charged ;  and  Tristram  Shandy 
at  Ranelagh,  which,  said  a  reviewer,  imitated 
"  Mr.  Sterne's  manner  as  Alexander's  courtiers 
did  their  master,  by  carrying  their  heads  awry." 
Something  better,  I  take  it,  was  Yorick's  Medi- 
tations *  *  #  ripon  Nothing,  upon  Something, 
upon  the  Thing  *  #  *  upon  Tobacco  *  *  * 
upon  the  Man  in  the  Moon,  etc. ;  for  a  reviewer 
took  it  to  be  Yorick's  in  fact.  There  was  also 
a  Tristram  Shandy  in  Reverie,  containing  a 
Uttera  infernalis  from  the  departed  Yorick  to 


INTRODUCTION 

his  admirers  on  earth.  A  much  bolder  imita- 
tion of  Sterne  was  a  continuation  of  Tristram 
Shandy  by  one  John  Carr,  the  translator  of 
Lucian,  and  then  or  afterwards  headmaster  of 
the  Hertford  grammar  school.  It  seemed  to 
this  scholar  that  it  was  time  for  Tristram  to  be 
born,  and  so  he  brought  him  into  the  world. 

Performances  so  impudent  as  this  last,  in 
which  we  rise  to  a  grade  above  the  scribbler, 
were  mostly  reserved  for  the  years  immediately 
following  Sterne's  death.  Sterne  died  in  1768, 
leaving  the  Sentimental  Journey  only  half  told. 
Within  a  year  it  was  completed  by  John  Hall- 
Stevenson.  The  continuation,  a  coarse  thing, 
unrelieved  by  humor,  has  long  since  passed 
into  oblivion.  Equally  dull,  but  more  respect- 
able, was  a  forgery  from  the  hand  of  the  elder 
Richard  Griffith,  entitled  The  Posthumous 
Works  of  a  Late  Celebrated  Genius,  better 
known  perhaps  as  the  Koran,  under  which  name 
it  was  several  times  included  in  editions  of 
Sterne's  works.  The  author  was  the  husband 
to  Elizabeth  Griffith,  a  playwright  and  novelist 
of  some  reputation  in  her  time.  His  book  pur- 
ports to  be  a  shadowy  autobiography  by  Sterne, 
eked  out  by  anecdotes  and  observations  of  vari- 
ous kinds.     I  have  searched  it  for  some  smart 


INTRODUCTION 

saying  worth  quotation,  but  I  can  find  none. 
With  more  interest  one  may  turn  to  The  Sen- 
timental Magazine,  "  circulated  to  amuse  the 
mind,  to  improve  the  understanding,  and  to 
amend  the  heart,"  with  an  emphasis  on  the  last 
aim.  Begun  in  1773,  this  periodical  continued 
down  into  1776,  when  it  died  out.  In  acknowl- 
edging their  debt  to  Sterne,  "  who  introduced 
the  present  mode  of  sentimental  writing,"  the 
editors  gave  a  sketch  of  the  "inimitable" 
author,  closing  it  with  an  epitaph  from  an  un- 
known pen.  The  first  number  opened  with  a 
Sentimental  Journey  through  Life,  which  fol- 
lows the  general  outline  of  Tristram  Shandy, 
until  the  hero  reaches  France.  Then  the 
narrative  stops,  for  at  that  point  the  author 
fell  asleep  while  reading  in  bed  one  night  and 
was  consumed  —  bed,  manuscript,  and  all.  Ac- 
cording to  the  original  plan,  each  number  was 
to  contain  a  sentimental  tale  "to  force  the 
tears  of  sensibility  from  the  eye  "  and  "  inspire 
the  heart  with  the  love  of  Virtue  "  ;  and  for  the 
best  translation  from  the  French  of  "  a  senti- 
mental fable"  in  verse,  a  silver  medal  was 
offered  each  month  with  the  winner's  name 
engraved  thereon.  To  these  attractions  was 
afterwards  added  "  A  Physician  of  the  Heart," 


INTRODUCTION 

who  gave  free  advice  to  sentimental  readers 
that  submitted  to  him  difficult  cases  in  love 
casuistry. 

It  may  be  that  no  other  magazine  written 
for  the  fireside  was  devoted  exclusively  to  the 
heart,  but  communications  and  poetic  effusions 
inserted  in  other  periodicals  read  wonderfully 
like  what  we  have  here.  The  European  Maga- 
zine, for  example,  one  of  the  standard  periodi- 
cals of  the  time,  opened  its  columns  to  scores 
of  letters  written  not  only  in  imitation  of  Sterne 
but  under  his  very  name.  Leave  the  maga- 
zines for  the  novel  of  the  circulating  library, 
and  the  chances  are  that  one  will  find  Sterne 
there  rather  than  Fielding  or  Smollett.  True, 
the  stream  of  influence  from  Sterne  unites  in 
the  every-day  novel  with  the  sentimentalism  of 
Richardson  and  Rousseau ;  yet  if  one  thinks  it 
worth  while,  he  can  separate  the  Sterne  from 
the  rest.  Sterne's  imagination  moved  —  to 
quote  a  phrase  from  Coleridge  —  in  a  kind  of 
"  twilight  between  vice  and  virtue."  He  rarely 
comes  quite  to  what  is  low  in  human  nature 
except  by  suggestion ;  and  if  he  does  reach 
that  point,  he  transforms  vice  into  virtue  by 
some  casuistry  in  the  circumstance.  With  him 
a  man  errs  not  because  of  a  depraved  heart  but 


INTRODUCTION 

because  of  the  acuteness  of  his  emotions.  It 
is  this  phase  of  Sterne  that  was  best  under- 
stood by  those  writers  who  filled  circulating 
libraries.  In  illustration  of  this  fact,  it  is  only- 
necessary  to  give  three  or  four  titles  of  current 
novels.  We  select  for  the  purpose  Sympathy 
of  Souk,  The  Errors  of  Virtue,  Amiable  In- 
discretions, and  The  Noble  Lie.  "  A  hundred 
writers  communicated,"  says  Hannah  More, 
"  and  a  hundred  thousand  readers  caught  the 
infection." 

Again,  certain  famous  incidents  in  Sterne, 
especially  Uncle  Toby  and  the  fly,  frequently 
reoccurred  with  some  modification.  Flies 
were  got  rid  of  not  by  torturing  or  killing 
them,  but  by  spouting  cold  water  upon  them. 
The  other  day  I  came  across  a  letter  in  which 
a  young  man  describes  to  a  friend  the  maneu- 
vers with  which  he  put  out  his  candle  on  going 
to  bed  last  night :  "  Here,  how  it  happened  I 
know  not,  but  so  it  was,  down  dropped  the 
extinguisher  !  —  I  caught  it  hastily  up  —  It 
was  too  late !  —  The  as  yet  enlightened  snuff 
seemed  to  upbraid  me.  —  I  would  have  re- 
kindled it.  —  I  blew  —  no  flame  appeared  ;  — 
on  the  contrary,  I  thought  the  little  light 
rather  diminished  than  increased.  —  I  will  not 

TOL.  in.  —  c  xxxiii 


INTRODUCTION 

blow  again  —  There  is  but  one  spark  now  re- 
maining —  It  lessens !  —  Is  it  gone  ?  —  No.  — 
I  stepped  quickly  into  bed,  that  I  might  there 
see  it  expire  —  I  turned  my  head,  but  could 
not  perceive  it.  —  I  rubbed  my  eyes  —  It  is 
gone  —  It  certainly  —  is  —  gone  !  "  Of  the 
novels  written  under  the  direct  influence  of 
Sterne  only  one,  I  think,  has  survived  with  the 
reading  public.  And  that  is  the  Man  of  Feel- 
ing by  Henry  Mackenzie,  an  Edinburgh  es- 
sayist, whom  Scott  called  "the  Northern 
Addison."  Written  in  a  style  alternating 
between  the  jerks  of  Sterne  and  a  winning 
plaintiveness,  the  book  enjoys  the  distinction 
of  being  the  most  sentimental  of  all  English 
sentimental  novels.  A  recent  editor  has  in- 
dexed its  tears.  The  scene  in  which  the  frail 
hero  dies  from  the  shock  he  receives  when  the 
heroine  of  pensive  face  and  mild  hazel  eyes 
tells  him  that  she  can  return  his  love,  certainly 
deserves  to  be  remembered :  "  He  seized  her 
hand  —  a  languid  colour  reddened  his  cheek  — 
a  smile  brightened  faintly  in  his  eye.  As  he 
gazed  on  her,  it  grew  dim,  it  fixed,  it  closed  — 
He  sighed  and  fell  back  on  his  seat  —  Miss 
Walton  screamed  at  the  sight  —  His  aunt  and 
the    servants    rushed   into  the  room  —  They 

xxxiv 


INTRODUCTION 

found  them  lying  motionless  together.  —  His 
physician  happened  to  call  at  that  instant. 
Every  art  was  tried  to  recover  them  —  With 
Miss  Walton  they  succeeded  —  But  Harley 
was  gone  for  ever." 

The  pose  and  attitude  of  character  seen  in 
these  quotations  was,  I  hardly  need  say,  caught 
from  Sterne.  Long  before  sitting  down  to 
Tristram  Shandy,  Sterne  was  a  painter.  He 
also  studied  closely  the  movements  and  ges- 
tures of  famous  preachers  and  actors.  So 
when  he  came  to  write,  he  carried  over  into 
literature  the  art  of  Reynolds  and  Garrick. 
His  characters  are  depicted  not  only  by  what 
they  say  and  do,  but  by  the  tones  in  which 
they  speak  and  by  the  ways  in  which  they  sit, 
stand,  and  walk.  Something  like  this  had 
indeed  appeared  in  literature  before  Sterne, 
but  he  reduced  gesture  to  an  art.  And  from 
him  directly  or  indirectly,  the  art  was  learned 
by  every  popular  novelist  for  a  half  century. 
With  Frances  Burney  and  Maria  Edgeworth, 
it  led  to  the  novel  of  manners,  where  the 
emphasis  in  the  delineation  of  character  is 
placed  upon  minute  observation  of  the  varied 
ways  in  which  men  and  women  behave, 
whether  in  a  London  drawing-room  or  in  an 


INTRODUCTION 

Irish  village.  With  the  romancers  like  Mrs. 
Radcliffe,  the  art  degenerated  into  a  meaning- 
less affectation.  Thomas  Love  Peacock,  in 
ridiculing  under  the  name  of  Scythrop  the 
self-brooding  attitudes  of  Shelley,  went  straight 
to  current  romance  for  the  banter :  "  Scythrop 
threw  himself  into  his  armchair,  crossed  his  left 
foot  over  his  right  knee,  placed  the  hollow  of 
his  left  hand  on  the  interior  ancle  of  his  left  le'g, 
rested  his  right  elbow  on  the  elbow  of  the  chair, 
placed  the  ball  of  his  right  thumb  against  his 
right  temple,  curved  the  forefinger  along  the 
upper  part  of  his  forehead,  rested  the  point  of 
the  middle  finger  on  the  bridge  of  his  nose,  and 
the  points  of  the  two  others  on  the  lower  part 
of  the  palm,  fixed  his  eyes  intently  on  the 
veins  in  the  back  of  his  left  hand,  and  sat  in 
this  position  like  the  immovable  Theseus." 

What  I  have  said  in  brief  clause  gives  no 
adequate  notion  of  the  run  of  sensibility  in 
English  literature  after  Sterne.  I  profess  to 
have  indicated  only  the  way  in  which  the 
phase  of  it  represented  by  Sterne  was  taken  up 
by  fiction.  As  time  went  on,  there  was  hardly 
a  novel,  whether  dealing  with  every-day  life, 
politics,  morals,  or  ghosts  and  history,  that 
did  not  have  at  its  basis  a  sentimental  situa- 

xxxvi 


INTRODUCTION 

tion,  often  delicate  and  questionable.  Remove 
from  the  fiction  of  the  time  the  cover  of 
manners,  politics,  or  history,  and  you  have 
left  crass  sentimentalism.  The  mood  also  gave 
birth  to  hundreds  of  vapid  poems  on  lovers  in 
woody  background,  essays  on  conduct,  and 
letters  in  verse  and  prose  between  the  swain 
and  the  shepherdess.  The  sentimental  corre- 
spondence especially  came  from  Sterne.  He 
set  the  type  in  the  letters  to  Miss  Lumley, 
whom  he  afterwards  married,  repeated  it  in  the 
brief  notes  to  Miss  Fourmantelle,  and  outdid 
himself  in  the  correspondence  with  Eliza  — 
Mrs.  Elizabeth  Draper,  a  beautiful  young 
woman  out  of  India,  about  whom  he  let  his 
feelings  play  lawlessly.  As  Sterne  wrote, 
others  learned  to  write.  Burns,  for  example, 
while  in  Edinburgh  for  the  winter  of  1787-88, 
permitted  his  heart  to  go  astray  on  a  Mrs. 
M'Lehose,  an  amiable,  unfortunate,  and  very 
religious  woman,  who  had  been  deserted  by 
her  husband.  Under  the  name  of  Sylvander 
he  addressed  her  as  Clarinda.  It  is  all  Sterne 
and  Eliza  right  over  again.  And  even  so  late 
as  1819,  something  very  like  the  Sterne  mood 
survived  in  the  letters  of  Keats  to  Fanny 
Brawne.     "  I  have  a  sensation  at  the  present 

xxxvii 


INTRODUCTION 

moment,"  wrote  Keats,  "as  if  I  were  dissolv- 
ing." —  That  is  Sterne. 

There  is  a  permanent  place  in  literature  for 
the  refined  and  sublimated  sentiment  and 
humor  of  Sterne.  But  a  school  of  sentimen- 
talists can  only  have  their  day.  Reaction 
against  them  first  set  in  with  Maria  Edgeworth 
and  Jane  Austen,  women  of  admirable  poise 
between  head  and  heart,  and  then  came  Sir 
Walter  Scott.  With  Scott  there  was  no  sen- 
timent and  hardly  introspection.  His  theme 
was  man  out-of-doors  in  action.  His  heroes 
were  Richard  of  the  Lion's  Heart,  Louis  the 
Eleventh,  and  Cromwell.  For  a  score  of  years 
his  influence  was  dominant  in  fiction.  But 
after  the  great  romancer's  death,  there  was  in 
turn  a  reaction  against  him.  The  inner  life, 
as  he  depicted  it,  seemed  cold  and  illogical ; 
and  novelists  returned,  but  with  a  difference, 
to  the  sentimentalists.  Bulwer-Lytton  was  a 
sentimentalist  of  the  cruder  sort.  He  began 
his  literary  career  with  a  novel  in  which  are 
depicted,  in  imitation  of  Goethe's  Werther 
and  Charlotte,  the  sensations  of  a  young  man 
in  love  with  a  married  woman ;  and  he  after- 
wards turned  to  idealizing  criminals  of  the 
Eugene   Aram  type.     His  success,  as  we  all 

xxxviii 


INTRODUCTION 

know,  was  instantaneous  and  long  continued 
with  a  public  that  had  become  tired  of  military 
heroes.  But  it  is  perhaps  not  so  well  known 
that  in  middle  life  he  tried  his  hand  at  a 
Sterne  novel,  in  which  sentiment  should  be 
lightened  by  humor.  The  Caxtons,  though 
published  anonymously,  was  so  well  received, 
that  Bulwer  went  on  in  the  same  vein  with 
My  Novel  and  What  will  he  do  with  it  ?  We 
have  in  these  novels  a  very  clear  echo  of  the 
best  things  in  Shandy  ;  indeed  it  is  so  clear  that 
Bulwer  must  have  felt  that  he  could  count  on 
there  being  no  readers  of  Sterne  in  his  audi- 
ence. The  Caxton  household  was  modelled 
directly  on  Shandy  Hall.  There  is  the  elder 
Caxton,  a  musty  scholar  of  mild  heart  and 
"  soft  sweet  voice  " ;  the  meek  Mrs.  Caxton ; 
her  brother  Jack,  who  has  lost  his  fortune 
in  philanthropic  schemes ;  and  the  son,  who 
was  christened  Pisistratus  by  mistake.  Uncle 
Toby's  fly  in  due  time  reappears,  only  it  is 
metamorphosed  into  a  moth  which  by  great 
exertions  is  prevented  from  flying  into  a 
lighted  candle.  For  evoking  the  kindly  affec- 
tions, the  elder  Caxton  has  as  companion  in 
his  walks  a  lame  and  dyspeptic  duck,  which 
he  feeds  with   his  own  hands,  and   in  absent 


INTRODUCTION 

moments  stoops  to  tickle  under  the  left  ear. 
Go  on  som$  further,  and  one  comes  to  Yorick's 
donkey,  who  in  Bulwer's  version  is  threshed 
for  munching  a  thistle,  and  is  afterwards  con- 
soled by  the  village  parson  with  a  "  rose- 
cheeked  apple."  Imitation  of  this  kind  Sterne 
himself  was  never  guilty  of;  for  if  he  stole 
from  Burton,  he  did  not  find  there  his  best 
things.  Bulwer  searched  Sterne  for  the  best 
things  and  took  them. 

It  is  nevertheless  quite  likely  that  there  is 
really  not  so  much  of  Sterne  in  Bulwer  as  in 
his  two  greater  contemporaries.  Sterne's  pres- 
ence was  certainly  felt  by  Dickens  and  Thack- 
eray. Not  that  they  openly  imitated  him ;  but 
Sterne  exerted  a  direct  influence  upon  them. 
Oddities  of  which  Sterne  saw  and  minutely 
studied  a  few  types,  broke  up  into  a  full  thou- 
sand forms  in  the  novels  of  Dickens.  Uncle 
Toby  by  some  imaginative  process  passed  into 
the  benevolent  Mr.  Pickwick.  There  may  be, 
too,  some  imaginative  connection  between  the 
double  bedded  room  at  the  Great  White  Horse 
Inn,  and  the  incident  with  which  the  Sentimen- 
tal Journey  is  brought  to  a  close.  And  the 
story  of  poor  Maria,  who  travelled  to  Rome 
and  back  barefoot  over  flinty  roads,  may  have 

zl 


INTRODUCTION 

suggested  the  wanderings  of  Little  Nell.  At 
any  rate,  Dickens's  lingering  over  pathetic 
scenes  in  carefully  cadenced  sentences  must 
have  been  caught  from  Sterne.  The  difference 
is  that  Sterne's  style  in  passages  of  this  kind  is 
as  choice  as  any  thing  we  have  in  English 
prose ;  whereas  Dickens  writes  blank  verse 
and  prints  it  as  prose.  Finally,  the  humor  of 
Dickens,  like  that  of  Sterne,  depends,  half  of 
it,  upon  the  attention  paid  to  attitude,  move-  ! 
ment  of  body,  face,  and  eyes,  and  the  tone  of 
voice  in  which  the  characters  speak.  Read  the 
famous  scenes  in  Oliver  Twist  between  Mr. 
Bumble  the  beadle,  and  Mrs.  Corney  the 
matron  of  the  workhouse,  suppressing  all  ges- 
ture, and  the  humor  is  pretty  much  gone.  It 
might  be  added  that  Oliver  Twist,  as  well  as 
Tristram  Shandy,  came  to  his  name  in  an  ex- 
traordinary way.  "  We  name  our  fondlins,"  said 
the  beadle  to  Mrs.  Mann,  the  woman  with  whom 
Oliver  was  farmed,  "  We  name  our  fondlins  in 
alphabetical  order.  The  last  was  a  S,  —  Swub- 
ble,  I  named  him.  This  was  a  T,  —  Twist,  I 
named  him.  The  next  one  as  comes  will  be 
Unwin,  and  the  next  Vilkins.  I  have  got  names 
ready  made  to  the  end  of  the  alphabet,  and  all 
the  way  through  it  again,  when  we  come  to  Z." 

xli 


INTRODUCTION 

Thackeray,  it  has  generally  been  held,  harks 
back  in  the  main  to  Fielding.  This  opinion 
was  boldly  and,  I  think,  rightly  challenged  by 
Bagehot.  Thackeray  and  Sterne  were  indeed 
as  diverse  as  two  men  could  be  in  their  modes 
of  life.  Thackeray's  moral  sense  was  acute. 
Sterne  had  none.  Notwithstanding  this,  there 
was,  said  Bagehot,  "  one  fundamental  and 
ineradicable  resemblance  between  them.  .  .  . 
They  both  looked  at  every  thing  —  at  nature,  at 
life,  at  art  —  from  a  sensitive  aspect "  ;  that  is, 
neither  of  them  was  a  thinker ;  they  were  both 
men  of  sensations,  both  men  who  had  the 
"  nerve-ache."  The  analysis  is,  I  believe,  cor- 
rect. Add  to  Sterne  the  moral  sense,  and 
you  have  Thackeray.  Wherefore  it  is  that 
Thackeray  may  be  said  to  stand  for  the  best 
kind  of  sentiment,  for  his  feelings,  however 
lavish  he  may  be  of  them,  receive  some  sort 
of  check  from  his  ethical  nature.  Thackeray 
must  have  read  Sterne  as  a  boy,  for  in  one  of 
those  early  Snob  papers  written  while  at  Cam- 
bridge, he  plays  with  Susannah's  misnaming  of 
Tristram.  On  that  occasion  he  called  his  hero 
Jack,  because  a  boot-jack  fell  to  the  floor  at 
the  time  of  his  birth.  And  coming  to  the 
great  novels,  how  like  Sterne  is  the  famous 

xlii 


INTRODUCTION 

death  bed  of  Colonel  Newcome  !  "  Just  as  the 
last  bell  struck,  a  peculiar  sweet  smile  shone 
over  his  face,  and  he  lifted  up  his  head  a  little, 
and  quickly  said,  '  Adsum ! '  and  fell  back. 
It  was  the  word  we  used  at  school,  when 
names  were  called ;  and  lo,  he,  whose  heart 
was  as  that  of  a  little  child,  had  answered  to 
his  name,  and  stood  in  the  presence  of  The 
Master."  Sterne  and  Thackeray  are  the  only 
two  English  novelists  who  could  imagine  and 
write  that  passage.  And  Sterne  could  have 
done  it  as  well  as  Thackeray. 

Traces  of  Sterne  are  also  frequent  mother  nov- 
elists of  the  mid-nineteenth  century.  Charles 
Reade,  for  example,  was  fond  of  emphasizing 
the  importance  of  his  sentences  by  giving  each 
one  a  paragraph  ;  he  also  had  the  trick  of  drop- 
ping the  thread  of  a  narrative  and  of  picking  it 
up  two  hundred  pages  on  as  if  nothing  had  in- 
tervened, and  in  one  novel  he  inserted  a  map 
of  the  heavens.  George  Eliot,  it  might  be  ex- 
pected, would  be  unacquainted  with  Sterne. 
But  she  read  him  and  owed  to  him  the  rhythm 
of  many  a  passage.  Without  her  Sterne,  she 
would  never  have  written  the  closing  sentences 
on  the  inebriate  Dempster  over  his  mother's 
grave;    "When    the   earth   was    thrown    on 


INTRODUCTION 

Mamsey's  coffin,  and  the  son,  in  crape  scarf 
and  hatband,  turned  away  homeward,  his  good 
angel,  lingering  with  outstretched  wing  on  the 
edge  of  the  grave,  cast  one  despairing  look 
after  him,  and  took  flight  forever."  Probably 
Mr.  Sidney  Lee  is  right  in  finding  Sterne  even 
in  contemporary  literature.  Stevenson,  when 
he  travelled  with  a  donkey  across  the  Ce>ennes, 
and  when  he  travelled  elsewhere  in  different 
company,  was  "  marching  under  Sterne's  ban- 
ner." And  Kipling's  That's  another  story 
"  fell  originally  from  the  lips  of  Mr.  Shandy." 
It  was  a  remark  to  Dr.  Slop. 

As  in  England,  so  it  has  been  in  some 
measure  with  Sterne  across  the  Channel.  His 
first  London  reception  —  we  have  already  said 
it  —  was  repeated  in  Paris.  "  My  head  is 
turned  round,"  wrote  Sterne  to  Garrick,  "  with 
what  I  see  and  with  the  unexpected  honours 
I  have  met  with  here.  Tristram  was  almost 
as  much  known  here  as  in  London,  at  least 
among  your  men  of  condition  and  learning." 
At  the  house  of  the  Baron  d'Holbach  and  else- 
where, publicists  and  philosophers  who  had  a 
leaning  for  things  English,  gathered  about  him, 
plying  him  with  questions  about  himself,  and 
he  talked  with  them  freely.     Just  before  leav- 

xliv 


INTRODUCTION 

ing  Paris,  he  preached  for  them  at  the  English 
embassy  a  homily  on  the  mistake  Hezekiah 
made  in  displaying  the  treasures  of  his  house 
to  the  messengers  from  the  king  of  Babylon. 
Hume  was  present  on  that  memorable  occasion. 
And  at  the  farewell  dinner  which  followed  in 
the  evening,  the  company  waxed  merry  over 
the  give-and-take  banter  between  parson  and 
skeptic.  It  was  through  these  men  who  knew 
some  English  that  Sterne's  bizarre  book  en- 
tered France.  Accounts  of  it  and  extracts 
from  it  in  French  naturally  followed.  Voltaire 
wrote  about  it  twice,  once  in  praise  and  once 
in  censure.  But  the  difficulties  in  the  way 
of  a  complete  translation  seemed  insuperable. 
The  broken  style  of  Sterne  —  it  is  hardly  nec- 
essary to  say  —  is  utterly  foreign  to  the  severe 
logic  of  French  syntax.  So  it  happened  that 
the  less  irregular  Sentimental  Journey  was  the 
first  to  find  a  translator.  No  attempt  was  made 
with  Tristram  Shandy  #  for  fifteen  years.    Both 

*  Frenais  translated  the  first  part  of  Tristram  Shandy 
(2  vols.  Paris,  1 776).  Of  the  remainder,  versions  appeared 
in  1785,  by  de  Bonnay  and  G.  de  la  Baume.  The  trans- 
lations by  Frenais  and  de  Bonnay  were  afterwards  issued 
together  (4  vols.  Paris,  J  785).  More  recent  translations 
are  by  Wailly  (1842)  and  Hedoun  (1890-91).  The  Senti- 
mental Journey  was  translated  by  Frenais  (2  vols.  Araster- 

xlv 


INTRODUCTION 

books  were  unfortunate  in  their  translators. 
The  points  in  Sterne's  jests  were  as  often  missed 
as  hit,  and  there  were  many  mutilations.  The 
extent  of  the  influence  that  Sterne  now  exerted 
through  these  versions  on  French  literature  has 
been  a  subject  for  debate  among  scholars. 
The  very  large  claims  made  for  Sterne  some 
ten  years  ago  by  M.  Joseph  Texte  have  been 
recently  questioned  by  Professor  Baldwin  *  of 
Yale  University.  As  a  matter  of  fact  the 
limits  of  that  influence  can  never  be  accurately 
measured.  To  make  a  general  statement, 
Sterne  but  reinforced  the  sentimentalism  of 
Rousseau.  "He  was  looked  upon,"  says  M. 
Texte,  "as  a  kind  of  prophet  of  the  new  religion 
just  brought  into  fashion  by  Rousseau,  the 
religion  of  self. "  Without  Sterne,  the  course  of 
French  literature  for  the  next  generation  would 
have  been  in  all  essentials  precisely  what  it  is. 
The  great  sentimentalists — Saint-Pierre,  Senan- 

dam  and  Paris,  1769).  Other  translations  of  the  Journey 
were  made  by  Michel  (1787),  Wailly  (1847),  Janin  (1854), 
Hedoun  (1875),  and  Blemont  (1884). 

*  Consult  Joseph  Texte,  Jean  Jacques  Rousseau,  English 
translation  by  Matthews  (London  and  New  York,  1 899)  ; 
and  Professor  Baldwin,  The  Literary  Influence  of  Sterne  in 
France,  in  Publicatiotis  of  Modern  Language  Association,  for 
1902  (Vol.  XVII,  Baltimore). 

xlvi 


INTRODUCTION 

cour,  Chateaubriand,  and  Madame  de  Stael  — 
derive  not  from  Sterne  but  from  Rousseau. 

Nevertheless  the  footprints  of  Sterne  in 
France  may  be  discovered  here  and  there  —  in 
a  title,  a  mannerism,  a  direct  borrowing,  the 
general  outline  of  a  journey  or  of  a  tale,  in  a 
whimsical  act  of  generosity,  or  an  occasional 
play  with  the  single  tear,  like  the  one  the  angel 
dropped  upon  Uncle  Toby's  oath.  And  two 
or  three  writers  really  absorbed  him.  Mile,  de 
Lespinasse,  the  friend  of  d'Alembert,  wrote  a 
brief  sentimental  tale  in  which  Sterne  himself 
figures.  —  It  is  related  that  a  certain  milkwoman 
lost  a  cow :  whereupon  her  patroness,  Mme. 
Geoffrin,  gave  her  two  cows,  thus  thwarting 
malign  fortune.  Sterne  on  hearing  of  the  kind 
act  "  clasped  Mme.  Geofrrin  in  his  arms  and  em- 
braced her  with  ecstasy."  This  is  only  a  short 
sketch,  but  it  is  pretty  good  Sterne.  Diderot 
the  encyclopedist,  who  was  in  Sterne's  congre- 
gation at  the  embassy,  read  Tristram  Shandy 
in  the  original,  if  he  wrote,  as  it  is  said,  his 
Jacques  le  Fataliste  as  early  as  1773.  Jacques 
and  his  master,  both  mounted,  set  out  on  a 
free  and  easy  tour  which  is  to  lead  whither 
chance  directs.  At  the  very  opening  of  the 
tale,  Jacques  begins  the  story  of  his  amours, 

xlvii 


INTRODUCTION 

but  some  adventure,  some  other  story,  or  a 
disquisition,  breaks  in  upon  the  narrative,  with 
the  result  that  the  valet's  affaire  de  cceur  is 
pushed  off  to  near  the  end  of  the  volume. 
Here  we  have  not  only  a  successful  imitation 
of  Sterne's  digressive  manner,  but  open  bor- 
rowing. Jacques'  amours  are  the  amours  of 
Corporal  Trim,  who,  it  will  be  remembered, 
was  wounded  in  the  knee,  and  fell  in  love  with 
the  fair  Beguine  who  nursed  him.  Besides 
this,  Diderot's  novel  contains  other  Shandy 
incidents,  as  the  case  of  the  poor  woman  who 
let  drop  a  jug  of  oil,  and  was  recompensed  for 
her  loss  by  a  handful  of  silver  from  the  purse 
of  Jacques.  Goethe  read  the  novel  through 
at  one  sitting  and  pronounced  it  a  masterpiece. 
In  1803,  it  was  continued  by  an  unknown  hand 
under  the  title  of  Un  Second  Voyage  de  Jacques 
leFataliste  et  de  son  Maitre,  and  in  1850  it  was 
adapted  to  the  vaudeville  stage. 

In  the  meantime,  travellers  more  sentimen- 
tal than  Diderot  had  taken  the  road.  In  quest 
of  emotions,  they  traversed  the  provinces, 
passed  into  Switzerland,  and  crossed  the  Pyre- 
nees.*    One  of  them  in  a  happy  moment  of 

*  Without  exhausting  the  list,  M.  Texte  cites  a  Nouveau 
voyage  sentimental)  taken  out  of  Tristram  Shandy  j  Levoyagettr 

xlviii 


INTRODUCTION 

inspiration  conceived  the  plan  of  a  journey 
within  the  limits  of  his  own  room.  From  his 
bed  he  travelled  to  his  arm  chair  before  the 
fire,  thence  to  a  table,  a  book,  or  a  picture, 
and  back  again,  over  and  over  for  forty-two 
days.  And  each  object  became  the  theme 
for  an  odd  fancy.  The  Voyage  autour  de  ma 
Chambre  is  Sterne  not  so  much  in  the  way  of 
imitation  as  in  inspiration.  There  are,  to  be 
sure,  some  reminiscences  of  Sterne.  One 
chapter,  save  for  le  tertre,  consists  of  asterisks, 
and  the  next  following  contains  only  one  sen- 
tence. A  tear  of  repentance  is  carefully  wiped 
from  a  dusty  shoe,  and  a  butterfly  lying  in  the 
chalice  of  a  flower  dies  from  the  morning  chill. 
But  what  no  other  Frenchman  has  been  able 
to  do,  Xavier  de  Maistre  created  a  whimsical 
atmosphere  of  his  own.  It  reminds  one  of 
Sterne's  but  it  is  not  Sterne's.  In  later  years 
the  novelist  attempted  to  repeat  his  first  suc- 
cess, and  failed.  Nobody  ever  reads  the  Ex- 
pedition Nocturne  autour  de  ma  Chambre. 

Besides   Xavier  de   Maistre,   other  French 
writers,  whose  work  approaches  more  nearly 

sentimental  ou  une  promenade  a  Yverdun ;  a  Voyage  dans 
plusieurs  provinces  occidentales  de  la  France;  and  a  Voyage 
sentimental  dans  les  Pyrenees. 

vol.  in.  —  d  xlix 


INTRODUCTION 

to  our  own  time,  have  known  their  Sterne 
well  —  but  it  is  Tristram  Shandy  rather  than 
the  Sentimental  Journey.  Victor  Hugo's  Bug- 
Jargaly  his  first  romance,  written  at  the  age 
of  sixteen,  opens  with  starred  lines  and  a 
digression ;  and  Captain  d'Auverney  and  Sar- 
geant  Thade'e  belong  to  the  kin  of  Uncle 
Toby  and  Corporal  Trim.  The  characters 
assume  the  Sterne  attitudes,  and  tears  flow 
for  Rask,  the  Captain's  wounded  dog.  But  as 
the  tale  progresses,  Sterne  is  forgotten.  The 
Story  of  the  King  of  Bohemia  and  his  Seven 
Castles,  which  Trim  did  not  tell  to  Uncle 
Toby,  was  related  by  Charles  Nodier.  And 
finally  The'ophile  Gautier  adopted  some  of 
Sterne's  oddities  in  Fortunio  (1837).  Quite 
like  Sterne,  Gautier  defends  his  haphazard 
narrative  against  the  canons  of  Aristotle, 
Horace,  and  Schlegel,  stops  to  remark  on  the 
delayed  entrance  of  the  hero,  and  gives  a  chap- 
ter to  the  heroine's  cat.  "  How  could  a  novel 
or  a  poem  be  written,"  he  asks,  "  without  di- 
gressions and  episodes  ?  And  how,  if  written, 
could  it  be  read  ? "  Perhaps  Gautier  was  the 
last  Frenchman  to  be  much  influenced  by 
Sterne.     I  do  not  know. 

Sterne    himself  never   crossed    the    Rhine. 


INTRODUCTION 

But  his  books  were  carried  into  Germany, 
where  they  were  received  with  the  greatest 
enthusiasm.  In  England  and  in  France,  men 
of  letters  looked  on  and  smiled  at  the  comedy 
that  was  being  played  about  the  Yorkshire 
parson.  In  Germany  he  was  taken  in  full  seri- 
ousness. What  German  writers  said  about  him 
for  a  quarter-century  and  the  ways  in  which 
they  imitated  him,  would  form,  could  it  get 
itself  written,  a  most  extraordinary  chapter  in 
literary  history.  A  summary  of  such  a  chapter 
has  been  attempted  by  Professor  Thomas 
Stockham  Baker.  **  Sterne's  influence  upon 
German  literature,"  he  says,  "  is  evident  in  the 
following  particulars :  He  is  chiefly  responsi- 
ble for  the  German  sentimentalism  of  the  last 
half  of  the  eighteenth  century.  He  is  the  lit- 
erary parent  of  a  long  list  of  German  senti- 
mental journeys,  which  began  with  Thiimmel's 
Reiscn  in  die  mittagigen  Provinzen  Frankreichs 
and  ended  with  Heine's  Reiscbildcr.  He  is  an 
important  source  for  writers  like  Jean  Paul 
and  Hippel.  He  is  a  forerunner  of  Sturm  und 
Drang.  Finally,  he  has  affected  in  a  greater 
or  less  degree,  nearly  every  German  writer 
from  1765  to  the  close  of  the  century."  * 

*  Americana  Germanica  for  1899- 

li 


INTRODUCTION 

The  remark  on  Sterne's  relation  to  storm 
and  stress  must  forsooth  be  dismissed  as  a  speci- 
men of  the  occasional  exaggeration  that  one 
may  expect  in  the  doctorate  thesis  of  a  young 
man.  If  Sterne  played  any  part  in  that  stormy 
movement,  it  was  very  insignificant  indeed. 
But  all  the  rest  is  undoubtedly  true,  except 
that  what  is  meant  by  sentimentalism  needs 
definition.  The  latent  sentimentality  of  the 
German  nature  —  Klopstock's  angels  weep  — 
was  awakened  by  Rousseau.  Unrelieved  by 
English  humor  and  irony,  Rousseau  ism  led,  in 
Goethe's  phrase,  to  "  a  very  disagreeable  self- 
torture."  Goethe  had  in  mind,  it  may  be  pre- 
sumed, his  own  emotional  state  at  the  time  he 
wrote  The  Sorrows  of  Werther.  "Among  a 
considerable  collection  of  weapons,"  he  says  in 
speaking  of  that  period,  "  I  possessed  a  hand- 
some, well-polished,  dagger.  This  I  laid  every 
night  by  my  bed,  and  before  I  extinguished 
the  candle,  I  tried  whether  I  could  succeed  in 
plunging  the  sharp  point  a  couple  of  inches 
deep  into  my  heart.  Since  I  could  never 
succeed  in  this,  I  at  last  laughed  myself  out 
of  the  notion,  and  resolved  to  live."  After 
Werther,  came  the  sentimental  debauch,  best 
seen  perhaps  in  Johann  Martin  Miller's  clois- 

m 


INTRODUCTION 

ter-story,  called  Siegwart;  wherein  lovers  sit 
in  the  moonshine  and  watch  each  other's  tears 
sparkle  in  the  pale  light,  while  the  whole 
earth  weeps  in  sympathy  with  the  scene,  and 
the  distant  moon  drops  a  tear.  It  was  not 
Sterne  that  pointed  to  self-slaughter  as  a  means 
for  putting  to  an  end  the  ills  of  life ;  it  was 
Rousseau.  It  was  not  Sterne  that  reduced 
nature  to  the  tear  as  the  primal  element ;  it 
was  Rousseau  working  through  German  seri- 
ousness. The  sentiment  of  Sterne  is  quite 
different  from  this  painful  passion.  Sterne 
indulged  his  feelings  because  of  the  sweet  and 
pleasurable  sensations  that  ensued.  If  he  tore 
his  nerves  to  pieces  in  writing  the  Sentimental 
Journey,  the  occupation  was  one  of  delight. 
He  would  gladly  have  lived  on  forever  for  the 
merest  bagatelles  of  existence.  All  this  the 
Germans  saw  and  understood  well.  As  early 
as  1769,  Johann  Georg  Jacobi  enumerated  the 
characteristics  of  Sterne  as  they  appeared  to 
him.  They  are  gentleness  (Sanftmuth),  con- 
tent with  the  world  (Zufriedenheit  mit  der 
Welt),  and  pardon  for  the  errors  of  mankind 
(Verzeihung  fur  die  Fehler  der  Menschen). 
And  Goethe  often  repeated  in  essentials  the 
words  of  Jacobi,  adding  however  an  apprecia- 

liii 


INTRODUCTION 

tion  of  Sterne's  humor.  "  Yorick  Sterne,"  he 
once  said,  "  was  the  best  type  of  wit  that  ever 
exerted  an  influence  in  literature.  Whoever 
reads  him  feels  himself  at  once  lifted  above  the 
petty  cares  of  the  world.  His  humor  is  inimi- 
table, and  it  is  not  every  kind  of  humor  that 
leaves  the  soul  calm  and  serene."*  It  is  thus 
x  evident  that  in  German  literature  Sterne  was 
mainly  a  force  running  counter  to  Rousseau. 
Under  Sterne's  guidance,  the  writers  of  the 
younger  generation  passed  from  self-torture 
into  a  perfectly  harmless,  if  still  disagreeable, 
sort  of  sentimentalism.  They  and  their  charac- 
ters drop  their  heads  upon  one  another's  shoul- 
ders and  let  the  eyes  stream.  But  the  tears  are 
tears  of  joy  and  not  of  woe.  Goethe  and  some 
others  saw  the  humor  of  it  all,  and  were  careful 
not  to  let  the  dagger  penetrate  far  beneath  the 
skin.     Yorick  had  evoked  that  humor. 

I  have  come  more  quickly  than  I  intended 
to  the  outcome  of  Sterne's  influence  in  Ger- 
many ;  for  it  is  the  details  that  are  the  interest- 
ing part.     Readers  of  the  Sentimental  Journey 

*  "  Yorik  Sterne  war  der  schonste  Geist,  der  je  gewirkt 
hat ;  wer  ihn  liest,  fiihlt  sich  sogleich  frei  und  schon ;  sein 
Humor  ist  unnachahmlich,  und  nicht  jeder  Humor  befreit 
die  Seele." 

liv 


INTRODUCTION 

will  recall  the  incident  at  Calais,  where  Yorick 
and  Father  Lorenzo,  the  poor  Franciscan 
monk,  exchange  snuff-boxes,  with  streams  of 
good-nature  in  their  eyes.  The  episode  sug- 
gested to  the  poet  Jacobi  the  formation  of  a 
Lorenzo  order  among  his  friends  at  Hamburg, 
for  the  study  of  Sterne  in  the  original.  The 
members  presented  one  another  with  snuff- 
boxes and  agreed  to  carry  out  into  life  the 
bonhomie  of  Yorick  on  his  journeys.  This 
was  the  first,  it  is  said,  of  many  similar  coteries. 
In  the  same  year  —  which  was  1769 — Jacobi 
composed,  under  the  Sterne  inspiration,  a  Win- 
terreise  and  a  Sommerreise,  short  prose  pieces 
interspersed  with  verses.  Wieland,  the  poet 
and  philosopher,  read  Tristram  Shandy  in  1767, 
and  the  Sentimental  Journey  just  after  it  ap- 
peared in  English,  and  was  most  extravagant 
in  praise  of  them.  "  I  know  of  no  other  book," 
he  says  of  Tristram  Shandy,  "  which  contains 
so  much  genuine  Socratic  wisdom,  so  deep  a 
knowledge  of  mankind,  so  fine  a  sense  for  the 
beautiful  and  the  good,  so  large  a  mass  of  fresh 
and  admirable  moral  observations,  and  so  much 
sound  judgment  united  with  so  great  wit  and 
genius."  Wieland  wrote  a  short  lyric  called 
Chloe,  founded  on  the  Provencal  scene  in  Tris- 

lv 


INTRODUCTION 

tram  Shandy,  and  several  Socratic  dialogues 
which  have  a  flavor  of  the  Shandy  household. 
The  Sterne  sentiment  in  permeating  through 
Wieland's  nature  came  out  a  refined  sensuality. 
On  the  death  of  Sterne,  Lessing  said  that  he 
would  gladly  have  given  him  two  or  three 
years  from  his  own  life.  There  is  little  or 
nothing  of  Sterne  in  Lessing,  but  he  placed  the 
Sentimental  Journey  in  the  hands  of  Bode  as  a 
good  book  to  translate  into  German.*  And 
when  Bode  became  perplexed  over  the  render- 
ing of  the  word  sentimental,  Lessing  coined  for 
him  empjindsam,  which  at  once  came  into  gene- 
ral use.  Among  the  greatest  of  the  Germans, 
Schiller  understood  Sterne  the  least  well.  To 
him,  the  English  humorist  was  little  more  than 
a  name  to  illustrate  a  type  of  genius  described 
in  the  essay  On  Naive  and  Sentimental  Poetry. 
Not  so,  as  we  have  seen,  was  it  with  Goethe. 
He  read  Sterne  while  a  student  at  Strassburg, 
and  the  impression  made  upon  him  lasted  till 
the  end.  In  his  old  age  he  wrote  to  Zelter : 
"  I  have  again  been  looking  into  Sterne's  Tris- 

*  Yorick's  Empfindsame  Reise  durch  Frankreich  und  Italien 
was  published  at  Hamburg  and  Bremen,  in  two  parts 
(1768-69).  Tristram  Shandy  s  Leben  und  Meinungen,  also 
by  Bode,  appeared  at  Hamburg  (9  vols.  1774). 

!vi 


INTRODUCTION 

tram,  which  made  a  great  sensation  in  Ger- 
many, just  at  the  time  when  I  was  a  wretched 
little  fellow  at  school.  As  years  went  on,  my 
admiration  for  it  increased,  and  is  still  increas- 
ing, for  who,  in  the  year  1759,  saw  through 
Pedantry  and  Philistinism  so  well,  or  described 
it  so  cheerily  ?  As  yet  I  have  not  found  his 
equal  in  the  wide  circle  of  letters."  *  At  times 
Goethe  feared  that  he  himself  might  fall  into 
the  sentimental  mood  in  describing  his  travels, 
but  he  probably  escaped  what  he  regarded  as 
bad  art  for  himself,  except  perhaps  in  his  first 
Letters  from  Switzerland.  There  we  have,  in 
the  opinion  of  Scherer,  the  subjectivity  of 
Sterne. 

Yorick  journeys,  such  as  Goethe  aimed  to 
avoid,  became  very  numerous.  In  a  whimsical 
dramatic  piece  of  his  called  Der  Triumph  der 
Empfindsamkeit,  he  emptied  a  sackful  of  them 
upon  the  stage.  And  Lichtenberg,  who  ridi- 
culed all  new  fashions  in  literature,  said :  "  It 
was  highly  amusing  to  sit  and  watch  thirty 
Yoricks  riding  their  hobby-horses  in  spirals 
about  a  goal  which  they  might  have  reached 
the  day  before  in  one  step."  Besides  winter 
journeys  and  summer  journeys  already  men- 

*  A.  D.  Coleridge's  translation. 

Ivii 


INTRODUCTION 

tioned,  there  were  day  journeys  and  night 
journeys,  to  various  places  in  France,  Germany, 
Switzerland,  Holland,  and  elsewhere.  So  far 
as  I  know  of  them,  they  have  the  outer  form 
of  the  Sentimental  Journey  but  the  digressive 
style  of  Tristram  Sliandy.  To  write  one  of 
them  it  was  not  necessary  to  take  a  trip  any- 
where for  incidents  and  experiences.  Not  at 
all ;  for  nothing  was  described,  except  what 
could  be  collected  from  guide  books.  The 
journey  was  simply  a  device  for  expressing 
opinions  on  all  sorts  of  questions,  in  politics, 
religion,  morals,  and  literature.  To  a  general 
statement  like  this  there  are  of  course  excep- 
tions. Hippel  developed  an  impressive,  if 
gloomy,  allegory  in  his  Kreuz-und-Querziige 
des  Hitters  A  bis  Z  (Zigzag  Journeys  of  the 
Knight  A  to  Z).  This  Alpha  and  Omega 
Knight,  after  passing  through  the  dangers  of 
birth  and  youth,  is  overwhelmed  with  grief  on 
the  death  of  his  father.  To  calm  his  mind,  he 
sets  out  with  his  squire  on  a  ramble  through 
the  world.  It  is  a  quest,  says  Hippel,  for  that 
El  Dorado  that  can  only  be  found  in  one's  own 
heart.     The  zigzags  lead  at  last  to  the  grave. 

Still  better  is  Richter's  Des  Feldpredigers 
Schmclzle  Reise  nach  Fldtz,  which  was  trans- 

lviii 


INTRODUCTION 

lated  into  English  by  Carlyle  under  the  title 
Army-Chaplain  Schmelzle's  Journey  to  Flatz. 
It  is  the  story  of  a  chaplain  who  after  being 
dismissed  from  his  regiment  because  of  cow- 
ardice, goes  to  Flatz  to  petition  General  Scha- 
backer  to  give  him  in  return  a  Catechetical 
Professorship.  The  sketch  is  accompanied  by 
running  footnotes,  misnumbered,  and  having 
nothing  to  do  with  the  subject  in  hand.  Per- 
haps more  of  the  real  Sterne,  though  less  of 
the  externals,  may  be  found  elsewhere  in 
Richter,  especially  in  his  Leben  des  Quintus 
Fixlein,  which  was  also  translated  by  Carlyle. 
Fixlein  is  a  poor  schoolmaster  who  becomes  a 
village  parson.  He  writes  many  strange  books 
that  never  get  printed  ;  among  which  is  a  col- 
lection of  all  the  misprints  to  be  found  in 
German  literature.  Richter's  characters  are 
given  to  varied  whims,  but  most  commonly  to 
some  sort  of  fear.  Schmelzle,  afraid  of  walk- 
ing in  his  sleep,  ties  his  right  toe  o'nights  to 
the  bedpost  or  to  his  wife's  left  hand.  Fixlein 
imagines  that  like  his  father  he  must  die  on 
his  thirty-second  birthday;  —  the  time  ap- 
proaches and  he  falls  into  fever.  As  he  lies 
upon  his  bed,  he  dreams  that  death,  the  skele- 
ton of  his  father,  is  tapping  with  cold  finger 


INTRODUCTION 

upon  his  fevered  heart ;  the  next  moment  this 
apparition  is  transformed  into  "the  splendor 
of  an  angel  flying  hither  and  thither  from  the 
starry  blue  " ;  and  as  the  delirium  leaves  him, 
he  sees  his  wife  bending  over  him  and  looking 
into  his  large,  hot  eyes.  This  is  all  Sterne 
humor  and  pathos  after  it  has  passed  through 
the  imagination  of  a  great  German. 

It  is  a  far  cry  from  Sterne  to  Heine.  The 
storm  and  stress  and  the  Romantic  revival 
intervene.  But  Sterne  has  not  been  forgotten. 
The  Sentimental  Journey  was  among  the  books 
that  Heine  read  as  a  boy ;  and  the  Reisebilder 
(Pictures  of  Travel)  are  more  or  less  founded 
upon  its  plan.  Whether  Heine  journeys 
through  the  Hartz  mountains  or  into  Italy,  it 
is  not  what  he  sees  that  most  interests ;  it  is 
the  record  of  his  sensations,  or  his  opinions  on 
subjects  that  may  or  may  not  have  some  con- 
nection with  the  travels.  Objective  he  is  at 
times,  and  splendidly  so ;  but  for  a  half  part 
at  least,  there  is  in  his  travel-pictures,  says 
Scherer,  "the  same  cobweb  of  individualism 
spun  over  external  objects "  as  in  Sterne. 
What  charmed  him  in  Italy  —  and  what 
charmed  Sterne  also  —  were  her  women  with 
"  pale  elegiac  faces  "  and  "  great  black  eyes." 

be 


INTRODUCTION 

And  how  like  Sterne  the  incident  at  Goslar 
in  the  Harzreise.  A  beautiful  girl  is  standing 
by  her  door  in  the  evening  twilight.  "  I 
quickly  snatched  a  kiss,"  says  Heine,  "  and  as 
she  was  about  to  fly,  I  whispered  apologeti- 
cally, *  To-morrow  I  leave  this  town,  and  never 
return  again.'  Then  I  perceived  a  faint  pressure 
of  the  lovely  lips  and  of  the  little  hand,  and  I 
—  went  smiling  away."  Heine  returns  to  his 
inn,  and  stands  at  his  window  watching  the 
moon.  "  Is  there,"  he  asks  himself,  "  really  a 
man  in  the  moon  ?  "  And  the  man  in  the  moon 
suggests  reflections  on  love  and  immortality. 
This  is  Sterne's  manner.  —  But  we  must  not 
insist  too  much  on  these  resemblances,  for 
Heine  is  no  echo  of  Sterne.  They  were  quite 
unlike  in  temperament.  Heine's  weird  poetic 
fancy,  his  vigor,  wit,  mockery,  and  scorn,  quali- 
ties whereby  Heine  is  Heine,  do  not  derive 
from  Sterne.  But  without  Sterne  there  would 
have  been  no  Reisebilder.  In  the  Romantische 
Schule,  the  brilliant  history  of  German  roman- 
ticism that  followed  the  sketches  of  travel, 
Heine  turned  aside  from  his  main  theme  to 
pay  to  Sterne  the  finest  tribute  that  has  yet 
come  from  any  pen.  The  characterization  is 
also  just,   except   that    Heine    discovered  in 

fad 


INTRODUCTION 

Sterne  a  depth  of  feeling  which  he  did  not 
possess.  "  He  is,"  wrote  Heine  in  that  splen- 
did passage,  "  a  born  equal  of  William  Shake- 
speare, and  him  too,  Laurence  Sterne,  have  the 
muses  nurtured  on  Parnassus.  But  after  the 
fashion  of  women  they  have  spoiled  him  while 
a  child  with  their  caresses.  He  was  the  foster 
child  of  the  pale  tragic  divinity.  Once  the 
latter,  in  an  access  of  awful  tenderness,  kissed 
him  on  his  young  heart  with  such  power,  such 
strength  of  love,  and  with  such  a  draught  of 
passion,  that  the  heart  began  to  bleed  and 
suddenly  understood  all  the  sorrows  of  the 
world,  and  was  filled  with  infinite  compassion. 
Poor  young  poet  heart!  But  the  younger 
daughter  of  Mnemosyne,  the  rosy  goddess  of 
humour,  skipped  quickly  up  to  him,  and  took 
the  suffering  child  in  her  arms,  and  tried  to 
enliven  him  with  her  laughter  and  singing, 
and  gave  him  as  toys  to  play  with  the  comic 
mask  and  the  bells  of  folly,  and  kissed  him 
soothingly  on  the  lips  and  kissed  upon  them 
all  her  frivolity,  all  her  saucy  joy  and  all  her 
mockery  and  wit."*  W.  L.  C. 

*  Stigand's  Life  of  Heine,  Vol.  I,  p.  411. 


lxii 


THE 

LIFE    AND    OPINIONS 

OF 

TRISTRAM    SHANDY, 

GENTLEMAN. 


Dixero  si  quid  forte  jocosius,  hoc  mihi  Juris 
Cum  venia  dabis. Hon. 

— Si  quis  calumnietur  levius  esse  quam  decet  theoloaum, 
aut  mordacius  quam  deceat  Christianum — non  Ego, 
sed  Democritus  dixit Erasmus. 

Si  quis  Clericus,  aut  Monachus,  verba  joculatoria,  visum 
moventia  sciebat  anathema  esto. 

Second  Council  of  Carthage. 


TO  THE   RIGHT  HONOURABLE 

JOHN, 
LORD    VISCOUNT    SPENCER. 

My  Lord, 

HUMBLY  beg  leave  to  offer  you  these 
two  Volumes ; *  they  are  the  best  my 
talents,  with  such  bad  health  as  I  have, 
could  produce: — had  Providence  granted  me 
a  larger  stock  of  either,  they  had  been  a 
much  more  proper  present  to  your  Lord- 
ship. 

I  beg  your  Lordship  will  forgive  me,  if, 
at  the  same  time  I  dedicate  this  work  to 
you,  I  join  Lady  Spencer,  in  the  liberty  I 

•  Volumes  V.   and  VI.   in   the   first  Edition. 


take  of  inscribing  the  story  of  Le  Fever  to 
her  name;  for  which  I  have  no  other  mo- 
tive, which  my  heart  has  informed  me  of, 
but  that  the  story  is  a  humane  one. 

I  am, 

My  Lord, 
Your  Lordship's  most  devoted 
and  most  humble  Servant, 

LAUR.  STERNE. 


THE 

LIFE    AND    OPINIONS 

OF 

TRISTRAM    SHANDY,    Gent. 

BOOK  V. 
CHAPTER  I. 

IF  it  had  not  been  for  those  two  mettle- 
some tits,  and  that  madcap  of  a  postil- 
lion who   drove   them   from    Stilton   to 
Stamford,    the    thought    had    never    entered 

my  head.     He  flew  like  lightning there 

was  a  slope  of  three   miles   and  a  half 

we   scarce   touched   the   ground the   mo- 
tion   was    most    rapid most    impetuous 

'twas    communicated    to    my    brain — 

my  heart   partook   of  it "By   the   great 

God  of  day,"   said    I,  looking   towards   the 
sun,  and  thrusting  my  arm  out  of  the  fore- 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

window  of  the  chaise,  as  I  made  my  vow, 
"I  will  lock  up  my  study-door  the  moment 
I  get  home,  and  throw  the  key  of  it  ninety 
feet  below  the  surface  of  the  earth,  into  the 
draw-well  at  the  back  of  my  house." 

The  London  waggon  confirmed  me  in  my 
resolution;  it  hung  tottering  upon  the  hill, 
scarce    progressive,    drag'd  —  drag'd    up    by 

eight  heavy  beasts — "by  main  strength! 

quoth  I,  nodding but  your  betters  draw 

the  same  way and  something  of  every- 
body's!  O  rare!" 

Tell  me,  ye  learned,  shall  we  for  ever  be 
adding  so  much  to  the  bulk — so  little  to  the 
stock? 

Shall  we  for  ever  make  new  books,  as 
apothecaries  make  new  mixtures,  by  pour- 
ing only  out  of  one  vessel  into  another? 

Are  we  for  ever  to  be  twisting,  and  un- 
twisting the  same  rope  ?  for  ever  in  the 
same  track — for  ever  at  the  same  pace  ? 

Shall  we  be  destined  to  the  days  of  eter- 
nity, on  holy-days,  as  well  as  working-days, 
to  be  shewing  the  relicks  of  learning,  as 
monks  do  the  relicks  of  their  saints — without 
working  one — one  single  miracle  with  them? 

Who  made  Man,  with  powers  which  dart 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

him  from  earth  to  heaven  m  a  moment — 
that  great,  that  most  excellent,  and  most 
noble  creature  of  the  world — the  miracle  of 
nature,  as  Zoroaster  in  his  book  Trepi  <£i5o-e&>? 
called    him  —  the    Shekinah    of    the    divine 

presence,    as    Chrysostom the    image   of 

God,   as    Moses the   ray   of   divinity,   as 

Plato — the  marvel  of  marvels,  as  Aristotle- 
to  go  sneaking  on   at  this    pitiful — pimping 

pettifogging  rate? 

I  scorn  to  be  as  abusive  as  Horace  upon 

the    occasion but    if   there    is  no    cata- 

chresis  in  the  wish,  and  no  sin  in  it,  I  wish 
from  my  soul,  that  every  imitator  in  Great 
Britain,  France,  and  Ireland,  had  the  farcy 
for  his  pains;  and  that  there  was  a  good 
farcical  house,  large  enough  to  hold — aye — 
and  sublimate  them,  shag -rag  and  bob-tail, 
male    and    female,    all    together;     and     this 

leads  me  to   the   affair  of  Whiskers but, 

by  what  chain  of  ideas — I  leave  as  a  legacy 
in  mort-main  to  Prudes  and  Tartufs,  to  en- 
joy and  make  the  most  of. 

UPON    WHISKERS. 

I'm    sorry   I   made    it 'twas    as    incon- 
siderate   a    promise  as  ever  entered  a  man's 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

head A  chapter  upon  whiskers!  alas!  the 

world  will  not  bear  it — 'tis  a  delicate  world 

but  I  knew  not  of  what  mettle  it  was 

made — nor  had  I  ever  seen  the  under- 
written fragment;  otherwise,  as  surely  as 
noses  are  noses,  and  whiskers  are  whiskers 
still  (let  the  world  say  what  it  will  to  the 
contrary);  so  surely  would  I  have  steered 
clear  of  this  dangerous  chapter. 

THE   FRAGMENT. 

■ff  ^F  ^F  ^F  ^F  tF  ^F  ^F  *Jt 

<H»  tF  tF  "tF  w  'Tr  "Tr  It  5JF 

You  are   half  asleep,   my  good  lady, 


said  the  old  gentleman,  taking  hold  of  the  old 
lady's  hand,  and  giving  it  a  gentle  squeeze,  as 

he  pronounced  the  word    Whiskers shall 

we  change  the  subject  ?  By  no  means,  re- 
plied the  old  lady — I  like  your  account  of 
those  matters :  so  throwing  a  thin  gauze  hand- 
kerchief over  her  head,  and  leaning  it  back 
upon  the  chair  with  her  face  turned  towards 
him,  and  advancing  her  two  feet  as  she  re- 
clined   herself 1    desire,    continued    she, 

you  will  go  on. 

The   old   gentleman   went   on   as  follows: 

10 


OF  TRISTRAM  SHANDY 

Whiskers  I  cried  the  queen  of  Na- 
varre,   dropping  her    knotting    ball,    as  La 

Fosseuse    uttered    the    word Whiskers, 

madam,  said  La  Fosseuse,  pinning  the  ball 
to  the  queen's  apron,  and  making  a  courtesy 
as  she  repeated  it. 

La  Fosseuse' s  voice  was  naturally  soft  and 
low,  yet  'twas  an  articulate  voice:  and  every 
letter  of  the  word  Whiskers  fell  distinctly 
upon  the  queen  of  Navarre's  ear — Whiskers! 
cried  the  queen,  laying  a  greater  stress  upon 
the  word,  and  as  if  she  had  still  distrusted  her 
ears Whiskers  1  replied  La  Fosseuse,  re- 
peating the   word  a  third  time There  is 

not  a  cavalier,  madam,  of  his  age  in  Navarre, 
continued  the  maid  of  honour,  pressing  the 
page's  interest  upon  the  queen,  that  has  so 

gallant  a  pair Of  what  ?  cried  Margaret, 

smiling — Of  whiskers,  said  La  Fosseuse,  with 
infinite  modesty. 

The  word  Whiskers  still  stood  its  ground, 
and  continued  to  be  made  use  of  in  most  of 
the  best  companies  throughout  the  little  king- 
dom of  Navarre,  notwithstanding  the  indis- 
creet use  which  La  Fosseuse  had  made  of  it: 
the  truth  was,  La  Fosseuse  had  pronounced 
the  word,   not  only  before  the  queen,  but 

11 


THE   LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

upon  sundry  other  occasions  at  court,  with 
an  accent  which  always  implied  something  of 
a  mystery — And  as  the  court  of  Margaret,  as 
all  the  world  knows,  was  at  that  time  a  mix- 
ture of  gallantry  and  devotion and  whis- 
kers being  as  applicable  to  the  one,  as  the 
other,   the  word  naturally  stood   its   ground 

it  gain'd  full  as  much  as  it  lost;   that  is, 

the    clergy   were    for    it the    laity    were 

against    it and    for    the   women, they 

were  divided. 

The  excellency  of  the  figure  and  mien  of 
the  young  Sieur  De  Croix,  was  at  that  time 
beginning  to  draw  the  attention  of  the  maids 
of  honour  towards  the  terrace  before  the  pal- 
ace gate,  where  the  guard  was  mounted. 
The   lady  De  Baussiere  fell   deeply  in  love 

with  him, La  B attar elle  did  the  same — 

it  was  the  finest   weather   for  it,   that  ever 

was  remembered  in  Navarre La  Guyol, 

La    Maronette,    La   Sabatiere,    fell  in   love 

with   the    Sieur    De   Croix   also La   Re- 

bours  and   La  Fosseuse  knew  better De 

Croix  had  failed  in  an  attempt  to  recom- 
mend himself  to  La  Rebours;  and  La  Re- 
bours  and  La  Fosseuse  were  inseparable. 

The  queen    of  Navarre  was   sitting  with 

12 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

her  ladies  in  the  painted  bow-window,  fac- 
ing the  gate  of  the  second  court,  as  De 
Croix   passed  through  it — He  is   handsome, 

said  the  Lady  Baussiere. He  has  a  good 

mien,    said    La    Battarelle He  is   finely 

shaped,  said  La  Guyol — I  never  saw  an 
officer   of  the    horse-guards  in  my  life,    said 

La  Maronette,  with  two  such  legs Or  who 

stood  so  well  upon  them,  said  La  Sabatiere 

But  he  has  no  whiskers,  cried  La  Fos- 

seuse Not  a  pile^  said  La  Rebours.  \ 

The  queen  went  directly  to  her  oratory, 
musing  all  the  way,  as  she  walked  through 
the  gallery,  upon  the  subject;  turning  it 
this  way  and    that   way   in    her   fancy — Ave 

Maria  ! what  can   La  Fosseuse  mean  ? 

said  she,  kneeling  down  upon  the  cushion. 

La  Guyol,  La  Battarelle,  La  Maronette, 
La  Sabatiere,  retired  instantly  to  their  cham- 
bers  Whiskers!    said    all    four  of  them 

to  themselves,  as  they  bolted  their  doors  on 
the  inside. 

The  Lady  Carnavallette  was  counting  her 
beads    with    both    hands,  unsuspected,  under 

her   farthingal from    St  Antony  down   to 

St  Ursula  inclusive,  not  a  saint  passed 
through    her    fingers    without    whiskers;    St 

13 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Francis,  St  Dominick,  St  Bennet,  St  Basil, 
St  Bridget,  had  all  whiskers. 

The  Lady  Baussiere  had  got  into  a  wil- 
derness of  conceits,  with  moralizing  too  in- 
tricately  upon   La   Fosseuse's   text She 

mounted  her  palfrey,  her  page  followed  her 

the  host  passed  by — the  Lady  Baussiere 

rode  on. 

One  denier,  cried  the  order  of  mercy — 
one  single  denier,  in  behalf  of  a  thousand 
patient  captives,  whose  eyes  look  towards 
heaven  and  you  for  their  redemption. 

The  Lady  Baussiere  rode  on. 

Pity  the  unhappy,  said  a  devout,  vener- 
able, hoary-headed  man,  meekly  holding  up 
a    box,    begirt    with    iron,    in    his    withered 

hands 1    beg    for   the    unfortunate — good 

my  Lady,   'tis  for  a  prison — for  an  hospital 
— 'tis  for  an  old  man — a  poor  man  undone 

by    shipwreck,    by    suretyship,    by   fire 1 

call   God  and  all   his   angels   to  witness 

'tis    to    clothe    the    naked to    feed    the 

hungry 'tis  to  comfort  the  sick  and  the 

broken-hearted. 

The  Lady  Baussiere  rode  on. 

A  decayed  kinsman  bowed  himself  to  the 
ground. 

14 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

The  Lady  Baussiere  rode  on. 

He  ran  begging  bare-headed  on  one  side 
of  her  palfrey,  conjuring  her  by  the  former 
bonds  of  friendship,    alliance,  consanguinity, 

&c. Cousin,    aunt,    sister,    mother, for 

virtue's  sake,  for  your  own,  for  mine,  for 
Christ's  sake,  remember  me pity  me. 

The  Lady  Baussiere  rode  on. 

Take  hold  of  my  whiskers,  said  the  Lady 

Baussiere The    page    took    hold    of    her 

palfrey.  She  dismounted  at  the  end  of  the 
terrace. 

There  are  some  trains  of  certain  ideas 
which  leave  prints  of  themselves  about  our 
eyes  and  eye-brows ;  and  there  is  a  con- 
sciousness of  it,  somewhere  about  the  heart, 
which  serves  but  to  make  these  etchings  the 
stronger — we  see,  spell,  and  put  them  to- 
gether without  a  dictionary. 

Ha,  ha!  he,  hee!  cried  La  Guyol  and  La 
Sabatiere,  looking  close  at  each  other's  prints 

Ho,  hoi  cried  La  Battarelle  and  Maro- 

nette,  doing  the  same: — Whist!  cried  one — 
st,  st, — said  a  second, — hush,  quoth  a  third 
—  poo,    poo,    replied    a    fourth  —  gramercy ! 

cried   the   Lady   Carnavallette; 'twas   she 

who  be  whisker 'd  St  Bridget. 

15 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

La  Fosseuse  drew  her  bodkin  from  the  knot 
of  her  hair,  and  having  traced  the  outline  of 
a  small  whisker,  with  the  blunt  end  of  it,  upon 
one  side  of  her  upper  lip,  put  it  into  La  Re- 
hours'  hand — La  Rebours  shook  her  head. 

The  Lady  Baussiere  coughed  thrice  into 
the  inside  of  her  muff — La  Guyol  smiled — 
Fy,  said  the  Lady  Baussiere.  The  queen  of 
Navarre  touched  her  eye  with  the  tip  of 
her  fore-finger — as  much  as  to  say,  I  un- 
derstand you  all. 

'Twas  plain  to  the  whole  court  the  word 
was  ruined:  La  Fosseuse  had  given  it  a 
wound,  and  it  was  not  the  better  for  pass- 
ing through   all   these  defiles It   made   a 

faint  stand,  however,  for  a  few  months,  by 
the  expiration  of  which,  the  Sieur  De  Croix, 
finding  it  high  time  to  leave  Navarre  for 
want  of  whiskers the  word  in  course  be- 
came indecent,  and  (after  a  few  efforts)  abso- 
lutely unfit  for  use. 

The  best  word,  in  the  best  language  of  the 
best  world,  must   have   suffered   under   such 

combinations. The  curate  of  d'Fstella 

wrote  a  book  against  them,  setting  forth 
the  dangers  of  accessory  ideas,  and  warning 
the  Navarois  against  them. 

18 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Does  not  all  the  world  know,  said  the 
curate  d'Estella  at  the  conclusion  of  his 
work,  that  Noses  ran  the  same  fate  some 
centuries  ago  in  most  parts  of  Europe, 
which  Whiskers  have  now  done  in  the 
kingdom  of  Navarre  ?  —  The  evil  indeed 
spread  no  farther  then — but  have  not  beds 
and  bolsters,  and  nightcaps  and  chamber- 
pots stood  upon  the  brink  of  destruction 
ever  since  ?  Are  not  trouse,  and  placket- 
holes,  and  pump-handles — and  spigots  and 
faucets,  in  danger  still  from  the  same  asso- 
ciation?  Chastity,  by  nature,  the  gentlest 

of  all  affections — give  it  but  its  head 'tis 

like  a  ramping  and  a  roaring  lion. 

The  drift  of  the  curate  d'Estella's  argu- 
ment was  not  understood. — They  ran  the 
scent  the  wrong  way. — The  world  bridled 
his  ass  at  the  tail. — And  when  the  extremes 
of  delicacy,  and  the  beginnings  of  concu- 
piscence, hold  their  next  provincial  chapter 
together,  they  may  decree  that  bawdy  also. 


i? 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


CHAPTER   II. 

WHEN    my   father    received   the   letter 
which  brought  him  the  melancholy 
account    of     my     brother     Bobby's 
death,  he  was  busy  calculating  the  expence 
of  his  riding  post  from  Calais  to  Paris,  and 
so  on  to  Lyons. 

'Twas  a  most  inauspicious  journey;  my 
father  having  had  every  foot  of  it  to  travel 
over  again,  and  his  calculation  to  begin 
afresh,  when  he  had  almost  got  to  the  end 
of  it,  by  Obadiah' s  opening  the  door  to  ac- 
quaint him  the  family  was  out  of  yeast — 
and  to  ask  whether  he  might  not  take  the 
great  coach-horse  early  in  the  morning  and 
ride  in  search  of  some. — With  all  my  heart, 
Obadiah,  said  my  father  (pursuing  his  jour- 
ney)—  take  the  coach-horse,    and   welcome. 

But   he   wants    a    shoe,    poor   creature ! 

said    Obadiah. Poor    creature !    said    my 

uncle  Toby,  vibrating  the  note  back  again, 
like  a  string  in  unison.  Then  ride  the 
Scotch  horse,  quoth  my  father  hastily. — He 

18 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

cannot  bear  a  saddle  upon  his  back,  quoth 

Obadiah,     for    the    whole    world. The 

devil's   in  that  horse;    then    take  Patriot, 

cried    my    father,    and    shut    the    door. 

Patriot  is  sold,  said  Obadiah.  Here's  for 
you!  cried  my  father,  making  a  pause,  and 
looking  in  my  uncle  Toby's  face,  as  if  the 
thing  had  not  been  a  matter  of  fact. — Your 
worship  ordered  me  to  sell  him  last  April, 
said    Obadiah.  —  Then   go   on   foot   for  your 

pains,    cried    my    father. 1    had    much 

rather  walk  than  ride,  said  Obadiah,  shut- 
ting the  door. 

What  plagues!  cried  my  father,  going  on 

with  his  calculation. But  the  waters  are 

out,  said  Obadiah, — opening  the  door  again. 

Till  that  moment,  my  father,  who  had  a 
map  of  Sanson's,  and  a  book  of  the  post- 
roads  before  him,  had  kept  his  hand  upon 
the  head  of  his  compasses,  with  one  foot  of 
them  fixed  upon  Nevers,  the  last  stage  he 
had  paid  for — purposing  to  go  on  from  that 
point  with  his  journey  and  calculation,  as 
soon  as  Obadiah  quitted  the  room:  but  this 
second  attack  of  Obadiah' s,  in  opening  the 
door  and  laying ,  the  whole  country  under 
water,    was    too    much. He    let    go    his 

19 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

compasses — or  rather  with  a  mixed  motion 
between  accident  and  anger,  he  threw  them 
upon  the  table;  and  then  there  was  nothing 
for  him  to  do,  but  to  return  back  to  Calais 
(like  many  others)  as  wise  as  he  had  set 
out. 

When  the  letter  was  brought  into  the 
parlour,  which  contained  the  news  of  my 
brother's  death,  my  father  had  got  for- 
wards again  upon  his  journey  to  within  a 
stride   of   the   compasses   of    the   very   same 

stage   of  Nevers. By   your  leave,   Mons. 

Sanson,  cried  my  father,  striking  the  point 
of  his  compasses  through  Nevers  into  the 
table — and  nodding  to  my  uncle  Toby,  to 
see  what  was  in  the  letter — twice  of  one 
night,  is  too  much  for  an  English  gentle- 
man and  his  son,  Mons.  Sanson,  to  be 
turned  back  from  so  lousy  a  town  as 
Nevers — What   think' st   thou,    Toby  1  added 

my  father  in  a  sprightly  tone. Unless  it 

be    a   garrison    town,    said    my   uncle    Toby 

for  then 1  shall   be  a  fool,  said   my 

father,  smiling  to  himself,  as  long  as  I  live. 
— So  giving  a  second  nod — and  keeping  his 
compasses  still  upon  Nevers  with  one  hand, 
and    holding   his   book  of  the   post-roads   in 

20 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

the  other — half  calculating  and  half  listen- 
ing, he  leaned  forwards  upon  the  table  with 
both  elbows,  as  my  uncle  Toby  hummed 
over  the  letter. 


— he's  gone!    said 

my   uncle    Toby. Where Who?   cried 

my   father. My   nephew,    said   my   uncle 

Toby. What  —  without    leave  —  without 

money — without   governor  ?   cried   my  father 

in  amazement.     No: he  is  dead,  my  dear 

brother,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby. — Without 
being  ill  ?  cried  my  father  again.  —  I  dare 
say  not,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  in  a  low 
voice,  and  fetching  a  deep  sigh  from  the 
bottom  of  his  heart,  he  has  been  ill  enough, 

poor  lad!     I'll  answer  for  him for  he  is 

dead. 

When  Agrippina  was  told  of  her  son's 
death,  Tacitus  informs  us,  that,  not  being 
able  to  moderate  the  violence  of  her  pas- 
sions, she  abruptly  broke  off  her  work. — My 
father  stuck  his  compasses  into  N'evers,  but 
so  much  the  faster.  —  What  contrarieties ! 
his,    indeed,    was    matter    of    calculation !  — 

21 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

Agrippina? s  must  have  been  quite  a  differ- 
ent affair;  who  else  could  pretend  to  reason 
from  history? 

How  my  father  went  on,  in  my  opinion, 
deserves  a  chapter  to  itself. — 


CHAPTER   III. 

And    a   chapter  it  shall    have, 

and  a  devil  of  a  one  too — so  look  to  your- 
selves. 

'Tis  either  Plato,  or  Plutarch,  or  Seneca, 
or  Xenophon,  or  Epictetus,  or  Theophrastus, 
or  Lucian  —  or  some  one  perhaps  of  later 
date — either  Cardan,  or  Budams,  or  Petrarch, 
or  Stella — or  possibly  it  may  be  some  divine 
or  father  of  the  church,  St  Austin,  or  St 
Cyprian,  or  Barnard,  who  affirms  that  it  is 
an  irresistible  and  natural  passion  to  weep 
for  the  loss  of  our  friends  or  children — and 
Seneca  (I'm  positive)  tells  us  somewhere, 
that  such  griefs  evacuate  themselves  best  by 
that  particular  channel — And  accordingly  we 
find,  that  David  wept  for  his  son  Absalom — 

22 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Adrian  for  his  Antinous — Niobe  for  her  chil- 
dren, and  that  Apollodorus  and  Crito  both 
shed  tears  for  Socrates  before  his  death. 

My  father  managed  his  affliction  other- 
wise; and  indeed  differently  from  most  men 
either  ancient  or  modern ;  for  he  neither 
wept  it  away,  as  the  Hebrews  and  the 
Romans — or  slept  it  off,  as  the  Laplanders 
— or  hanged  it,  as  the  English,  or  drowned 
it,  as  the  Germans — nor  did  he  curse  it,  or 
damn  it,  or  excommunicate  it,  or  rhyme  it, 
or  lillabullero  it. 

He  got  rid  of  it,  however. 


Will  your  worships  give  me  leave  to 
squeeze  in  a  story  between  these  two 
pages  ? 

When  Tully  was  bereft  of  his  dear 
daughter  Tullia,  at  first  he  laid  it  to  his 
heart, — he  listened  to  the  voice  of  nature, 
and  modulated  his  own  unto  it.  —  O  my 
Tullia!  my  daughter!  my  child! — still,  still, 
still,  —  'twas  O  my  Tnllia  !  —  my  Tullia  ! 
Methinks  I  see  my  Tullia,  I  hear  my 
Tullia,  I  talk  with  my  Tullia.  —  But  as 
soon  as  he  began  to  look  into  the  stores  of 
philosophy,  and  consider  how  many  excel- 
lent  things    might   be    said   upon  the   occa- 

ss 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

sion — no  body  upon  earth  can  conceive,  says 
the  great  orator,  how  happy,  how  joyful  it 
made  me. 

My  father  was  as  proud  of  his  eloquence 
as  Marcus  Tullius  Cicero  could  be  for 
his  life,  and,  for  aught  I  am  convinced  of 
to  the  contrary  at  present,  with  as  much 
reason:   it  was  indeed  his  strength — and  his 

weakness  too. His   strength — for  he  was 

by  nature  eloquent,  and  his  weakness — for 
he  was  hourly  a  dupe  to  it:  and,  provided 
an  occasion  in  life  would  but  permit  him  to 
shew  his  talents,  or  say  either  a  wise  thing, 
a  witty,  or  a  shrewd  one — (bating  the  case 
of  a  systematic  misfortune) — he  had  all  he 
wanted.  —  A  blessing  which  tied  up  my 
father's  tongue,  and  a  misfortune  which  let 
it  loose  with  a  good  grace,  were  pretty  equal : 
sometimes,  indeed,  the  misfortune  was  the 
better  of  the  two;  for  instance,  where  the 
pleasure  of  the  harangue  was  as  ten,  and 
the  pain  of  the  misfortune  but  as  five — my 
father  gained  half  in  half,  and  consequently 
was  as  well  again  off,  as  if  it  had  never  be- 
fallen him. 

This  clue  will  unravel  what  otherwise 
would  seem  very  inconsistent  in  my  father's 

Si 


OF .'.flUSTllAM    SHANDY 

domestic  character;  and  it  is  this,  that,  in 
the  provocations  arising  from  the  neglects 
and  blunders  of  servants,  or  other  mishaps 
unavoidable  in  a  family,  his  anger,  or  rather 
the  duration  of  it,  eternally  ran  counter  to 
all  conjecture. 

My  father  had  a  favourite  little  mare, 
which  he  had  consigned  over  to  a  most 
beautiful  Arabian  horse,  in  order  to  have  a 
pad  out  of  her  for  his  own  riding:  he  was 
sanguine  in  all  his  projects;  so  talked  about 
his  pad  every  day  with  as  absolute  a  secu- 
rity, as  if  it  had  been  reared,  broke, — and 
bridled  and  saddled  at  his  door  ready  for 
mounting.  By  some  neglect  or  other  in 
Obadiah,  it  so  fell  out,  that  my  father's 
expectations  were  answered  with  nothing 
better  than  a  mule,  and  as  ugly  a  beast  of 
the  kind  as  ever  was  produced. 

My  mother  and  my  uncle  Toby  expected 
my  father  would  be  the  death  of  Obadiah — 
and   that  there   never   would   be   an   end  of 

the  disaster. See   here!    you   rascal,  cried 

my  father,  pointing  to  the  mule,  what  you 
have  done ! It  was  not  me,  said  Oba- 
diah.  How  do  I   know  that  ?  replied  my 

father. 

96 

9 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

Triumph  swam  in  my  father's  eyes,  at 
the  repartee — the  Attic  salt  brought  water 
into  them — and  so  Obadiah  heard  no  more 
about  it. 

Now  let  us  go  back  to  my  brother's 
death. 

Philosophy  has  a  fine  saying  for  every 
thing. — For  Death  it  has  an  entire  set;  the 
misery  was,  they  all  at  once  rushed  into  my 
father's  head,  that  'twas  difficult  to  string 
them  together,  so  as  to  make  any  thing  of 
a  consistent  show  out  of  them. — He  took 
them  as  they  came. 

"  'Tis  an  inevitable  chance — the  first  stat- 
ute in  Magna  Charta — it  is  an  everlasting 
act  of  parliament,  my  dear  brother,  —  All 
must  die. 

"If  my  son  could  not  have  died,  it  had 
been  matter  of  wonder,  —  not  that  he  is 
dead. 

"  Monarchs  and  princes  dance  in  the  same 
ring  with  us. 

'* — To  die,  is  the  great  debt  and  tribute 
due    unto    nature :    tombs    and    monuments, 
which  should  perpetuate  our  memories,   pay 
it  themselves;  and  the  proudest  pyramid  of 
them    all,   which    wealth    and    science    have 

M 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

erected,  has  lost  its  apex,  and  stands  ob- 
truncated in  the  traveller's  horizon."  (My 
father  found  he  got  great  ease,  and  went 
on) — "Kingdoms  and  provinces,  and  towns 
and  cities,  have  they  not  their  periods?  and 
when  those  principles  and  powers,  which  at 
first  cemented  and  put  them  together,  have 
performed  their  several  evolutions,  they  fall 
back. ' '  —  Brother  Shandy,  said  my  uncle 
Toby,  laying  down  his  pipe  at  the  word 
evolutions — Revolutions,  I  meant,  quoth  my 
father, — by    heaven!     I    meant    revolutions, 

brother    Toby  —  evolutions    is    nonsense. 

'Tis  not  nonsense — said  my  uncle  Toby. 

But  is  it  not  nonsense  to  break  the  thread 
of  such  a  discourse,  upon  such  an  occasion? 
cried  my  father — do  not — dear  Toby,  con- 
tinued he,  taking  him  by  the  hand,  do  not 
— do  not,   I   beseech   thee,  interrupt   me   at 

this   crisis. My  uncle   Toby  put  his  pipe 

into  his  mouth. 

"Where  is  Troy,  and  Mycence,  and  Thebes 
and  Delos,  and  Persepolis  and  Agrigentum  ? ' ' 
— continued  my  father,  taking  up  his  book 
of  post- roads,  which  he  had  laid  down. — 
' '  What  is  become,  brother  Toby,  of  Nineveh 
and  Babylon,  of  Cizicum  and  Mitylenoe  ?    The 

27 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

fairest  towns  that  ever  the  sun  rose  upon, 
are  now  no  more;  the  names  only  are  left, 
and  those  (for  many  of  them  are  wrong  spelt) 
are  falling  themselves  by  piece-meals  to  de- 
cay, and  in  length  of  time  will  be  forgotten, 
and  involved  with  every  thing  in  a  perpetual 
night:  the  world  itself,  brother  Toby,  must 
— must  come  to  an  end. 

Returning  out  of  Asia,  when  I  sailed  from 
JEgina  towards  Megara^  (when  can  this 
have  been  ?  thought  my  uncle  Toby)  ' '  I  began 
to  view  the  country  round  about.  JEgina 
was  behind  me,  Megara  was  before,  Pyra?us 
on  the  right  hand,  Corinth  on  the  left. — 
What  flourishing  towns  now  prostrate  upon 
the  earth!  Alas!  alas!  said  I  to  myself, 
that  man  should  disturb  his  soul  for  the 
loss  of  a  child,  when  so  much  as  this  lies 
awfully  buried  in  his  presence Remem- 
ber, said  I  to  myself  again — remember  thou 
art  a  man." — 

Now  my  uncle  Toby  knew  not  that  this 
last  paragraph  was  an  extract  of  Servius 
Sulpicius's  consolatory  letter  to  Tully. — He 
had  as  little  skill,  honest  man,  in  the  frag- 
ments, as  he  had  in  the  whole  pieces  of  an- 
tiquity.— And   as   my  father,  whilst   he  was 

28 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

concerned  in  the  Turkey  trade,  had  been 
three  or  four  different  times  in  the  Levant, 
in  one  of  which  he  had  staid  a  whole  year 
and  an  half  at  Zant,  my  uncle  Toby  natu- 
rally concluded,  that,  in  some  one  of  these 
periods,  he  had  taken  a  trip  across  the 
Archipelago  into  Asia;  and  that  all  this 
sailing  affair  with  JEgina  behind,  and  Me- 
gara  before,  and  Pyr&us  on  the  right  hand, 
&c.  &c.  was  nothing  more  than  the  true 
course  of  my  father's  voyage  and  reflections. 
— 'Twas  certainly  in  his  manner,  and  many 
an  undertaking  critic  would  have  built  two 
stories  higher  upon  worse  foundations. — And 
pray,  brother,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby,  laying 
the  end  of  his  pipe  upon  my  father's  hand 
in  a  kindly  way  of  interruption — but  wait- 
ing till  he  finished  the  account — what  year 
of  our  Lord  was  this  ? — 'Twas  no  year  of 
our  Lord,  replied  my  father. — That's  im- 
possible, cried  my  uncle  Toby. — Simpleton! 
said  my  father,  —  'twas  forty  years  before 
Christ  was  born. 

My  uncle  Toby  had  but  two  things  for 
it;  either  to  suppose  his  brother  to  be  the 
wandering  Jew,  or  that  his  misfortunes  had 
disordered  his  brain. — "May  the  Lord  God 

29 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

of  heaven  and  earth  protect  him  and  restore 
him,"  said  my  uncle  Toby,  praying  silently 
for  my  father,  and  with  tears  in  his  eyes. 

— My  father  placed  the  tears  to  a  proper 
account,  and  went  on  with  his  harangue 
with  great  spirit. 

* '  There  is  not  such  great  odds,  brother 
Toby,   betwixt  good  and  evil,   as   the  world 

imagines" (this   way   of   setting    off,    by 

the   bye,   was  not  likely  to   cure   my  uncle 

Toby's     suspicions. ) ' '  Labour,     sorrow, 

grief,  sickness,  want,  and  woe,  are  the 
sauces  of  life."  —  Much  good  may  it  do 
them — said  my  uncle  Toby  to  himself. 

1 '  My  son  is  dead ! — so  much  the  better ; 
— 'tis  a  shame  in  such  a  tempest  to  have 
but  one  anchor." 

* '  But  he  is  gone  for  ever  from  us ! — be 
it  so.  He  is  got  from  under  the  hands  of 
his  barber  before  he  was  bald  —  he  is  but 
risen  from  a  feast  before  he  was  surfeited — 
from  a  banquet  before  he  had  got  drunken." 

' '  The  Thracians  wept  when  a  child  was 
born" — (and  we  were  very  near  it,  quoth 
my  uncle  Toby) — "and  feasted  and  made 
merry  when  a  man  went  out  of  the  world; 
and   with   reason. Death  opens  the  gate 

30 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

of  fame,  and  shuts  the  gate  of  envy  after 
it, — it  unlooses  the  chain  of  the  captive, 
and  puts  the  bondsman's  task  into  another 
man's  hands." 

' '  Shew  me  the  man,  who  knows  what  life 
is,  who  dreads  it,  and  I'll  shew  thee  a  pris- 
oner who  dreads  his  liberty." 

Is  it  not  better,  my  dear  brother  Toby 
(for  mark — our  appetites  are  but  diseases) — 
is  it  not  better  not  to  hunger  at  all,  than 
to  eat? — not  to  thirst,  than  to  take  physic 
to  cure  it  ? 

Is  it  not  better  to  be  freed  from  cares 
and  agues,  from  love  and  melancholy,  and 
the  other  hot  and  cold  fits  of  life,  than, 
like  a  galled  traveller,  who  comes  weary  to 
his  inn,  to  be  bound  to  begin  his  journey 
afresh  ? 

There  is  no  terrour,  brother  Toby,  in  its 
looks,  but  what  it  borrows  from  groans  and 
convulsions — and  the  blowing  of  noses,  and 
the  wiping  away  of  tears  with  the  bottoms 
of  curtains,  in  a  dying  man's  room. — Strip 
it  of  these,  what  is  it? — 'Tis  better  in  battle 
than  in  bed,  said  my  uncle  Toby.  —  Take 
away  its  herses,  its  mutes,  and  its  mourn- 
ing,— its  plumes,  scutcheons,  and  other  rae- 

31 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

chanic  aids — What  is  it? Better  in  bat- 

tie!  continued  my  father,  smiling,  for  he 
had  absolutely  forgot  my  brother  Bobby — 
'tis  terrible  no  way — for  consider,  brother 
Toby, — when  we  are — death  is  not; — and 
when  death  is — we  are  not.  My  uncle  Toby 
laid  down  his  pipe  to  consider  the  proposi- 
tion; my  father's  eloquence  was  too  rapid 
to  stay  for  any  man — away  it  went, — and 
hurried  my  uncle  Toby's  ideas  along  with 
it. 

For  this  reason,  continued  my  father,  'tis 
worthy  to  recollect,  how  little  alteration,  in 
great  men,  the  approaches  of  death  have 
made.  —  Vespasian  died  in  a  jest  upon  his 
close-stool — Galba  with  a  sentence  —  Septi- 
mus Severus  in  a  dispatch — Tiberius  in  dis- 
simulation, and  C&sar  Augustus  in  a  com- 
pliment.— I  hope  'twas  a  sincere  ->ne — quoth 
my  uncle  Toby. 

— 'Twas  to  his  wife, — said  my  father, 


32 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    IV. 

And  lastly — for  all  the  choice  anec- 
dotes which  history  can  produce  of  this 
matter,  continued  my  father, — this,  like  the 
gilded  dome  which  covers  in  the  fabric — 
crowns  all. — 

'Tis  of  Cornelius  Gallus,  the  praetor — 
which,  I  dare  say,  brother  Toby,  you  have 
read. — I    dare    say   I    have   not,  replied   my 

uncle. He  died,  said  my  father,  as  #  *  * 

############  — And  if  it  was  with 
his  wife,  said  my  uncle  Toby — there  could 
be  no  hurt  in  it.  —  That's  more  than  I 
know — replied   my  father. 


CHAPTER   V. 

MY  mother  was  going  very  gingerly  in 
the    dark    along   the    passage    which 
led    to    the    parlour,    as    my    uncle 
Toby    pronounced    the    word    wife.  —  'Tis    a 
shrill,  penetrating  sound  of  itself,  and  Oba- 

33 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

diah  had  helped  it  by  leaving  the  door  a 
little  a-jar,  so  that  my  mother  heard  enough 
of  it,  to  imagine  herself  the  subject  of  the 
conversation ;  so  laying  the  edge  of  her 
finger  across  her  two  lips — holding  in  her 
breath,  and  bending  her  head  a  little  down- 
wards, with  a  twist  of  her  neck — (not  to- 
wards the  door,  but  from  it,  by  which  means 
her  ear  was  brought  to  the  chink) — she  lis- 
tened with  all  her  powers: the  listening 

slave,  with  the  Goddess  of  Silence  at  his 
back,  could  not  have  given  a  finer  thought 
for  an  intaglio. 

In  this  attitude  I  am  determined  to  let 
her  stand  for  five  minutes:  till  I  bring  up 
the  affairs  of  the  kitchen  (as  JRapin  does 
those  of  the  church)  to  the  same  period. 


CHAPTER   VI. 

THOUGH  in  one  sense,  our  family  was 
certainly  a  simple  machine,  as  it  con- 
sisted of  a  few  wheels;  yet  there  was 
thus    much    to    be    said    for   it,    that    these 
wheels  were  set  in  motion  by  so  many  dif- 

34 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

ferent  springs,  and  acted  one  upon  the  other 
from  such  a  variety  of  strange  principles  and 

impulses that    though    it   was    a    simple 

machine,  it  had  all  the  honour  and  advan- 
tages of  a  complex  one, and   a   number 

of  as  odd  movements  within  it,  as  ever  were 
beheld  in  the  inside  of  a  Dutch  silk-mill. 

Amongst  these  there  was  one,  I  am  go- 
ing to  speak  of,  in  which,  perhaps,  it  was 
not  altogether  so  singular,  as  in  many 
others;  and  it  was  this,  that  whatever  mo- 
tion, debate,  harangue,  dialogue,  project, 
or  dissertation,  was  going  forwards  in  the 
parlour,  there  was  generally  another  at 
the  same  time,  and  upon  the  same  sub- 
ject, running  parallel  along  with  it  in  the 
kitchen. 

Now  to  bring  this  about,  whenever  an 
extraordinary  message,  or  letter,  was  deliv- 
ered in  the  parlour  —  or  a  discourse  sus- 
pended till  a  servant  went  out — or  the  lines 
of  discontent  were  observed  to  hang  upon 
the  brows  of  my  father  or  mother — or,  in 
short,  when  any  thing  was  supposed  to  be 
upon  the  tapis  worth  knowing  or  listening 
to,  'twas  the  rule  to  leave  the  door,  not 
absolutely   shut,    but   somewhat   a-jar — as    it 

36 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

stands  just  now, — which,  under  covert  of 
the  bad  hinge  (and  that  possibly  might  be 
one  of  the  many  reasons  why  it  was  never 
mended),  it  was  not  difficult  to  manage;  by 
which  means,  in  all  these  cases,  a  passage 
was  generally  left,  not  indeed  as  wide  as 
the  Dardanelles,  but  wide  enough,  for  all 
that,  to  carry  on  as  much  of  this  windward 
trade,  as  was  sufficient  to  save  my  father 
the  trouble  of  governing  his  house; — my 
mother  at  this  moment  stands  profiting  by 
it. — Obadiah  did  the  same  thing,  as  soon  as 
he  had  left  the  letter  upon  the  table  which 
brought  the  news  of  my  brother's  death;  so 
that  before  my  father  had  well  got  over  his 
surprise,  and  entered  upon  his  harangue, — 
had  Trim  got  upon  his  legs,  to  speak  his 
sentiments  upon  the  subject. 

A  curious  observer  of  nature,  had  he  been 
worth  the  inventory  of  all  Job's  stock — 
though,  by  the  by,  your  curious  observers 
are  seldom  worth  a  groat — would  have  given 
the  half  of  it,  to  have  heard  Corporal  Trim 
and  my  father,  two  orators  so  contrasted  by 
nature  and  education,  haranguing  over  the 
same  bier. 

My    father — a    man    of    deep    reading — 

36 


OP   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

prompt  memory  —  with  Cato,  and  Seneca, 
and  Epictetus,  at  his  fingers   ends. — 

The  corporal — with  nothing — to  remem- 
ber— of  no  deeper  reading  than  his  muster- 
roll —  or  greater  names  at  his  fingers  end, 
than  the  contents  of  it. 

The  one  proceeding  from  period  to  period, 
by  metaphor  and  allusion,  and  striking  the 
fancy  as  he  went  along  (as  men  of  wit  and 
fancy  do)  with  the  entertainment  and  pleas- 
antry of  his  pictures  and  images. 

The  other,  without  wit  or  antithesis,  or 
point,  or  turn,  this  way  or  that;  but  leaving 
the  images  on  one  side,  and  the  picture  on 
the  other,  going  straight  forwards  as  nature 
could  lead  him,  to  the  heart.  O  Trim! 
would  to  heaven  thou  had'st  a  better  histo- 
rian !  —  would thy  historian 

had    a    better    pair    of    breeches  ! O    ye 

critics !  will  nothing  melt  you  ? 


37 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER   VII. 

My    young    master    in    London    is 

dead!   said    Obadiah. — 

A   green  sattin   night-gown  of  my 

mother's,  which  had  been  twice  scoured,  was 
the  first  idea  which  Obadiah's  exclamation 
brought  into  Susannah's  head. — Well  might 
Locke  write  a  chapter  upon  the  imperfec- 
tions of  words. — Then,  quoth  Susannah,  we 
must  all  go  into  mourning.  —  But  note  a 
second  time:  the  word  mourning,  notwith- 
standing Susannah  made  use  of  it  herself — 
failed  also  of  doing  its  office;  it  excited  not 
one   single   idea,  tinged   either  with  grey  or 

black, — all  was  green. The   green   sattin 

night-gown  hung  there  still. 

— O!  'twill  be  the  death  of  my  poor  mis- 
tress, cried  Susannah. — My  mother's  whole 
wardrobe  followed. — What  a  procession!  her 
red  damask, — her  orange  tawney, — her  white 
and  yellow  lutestrings, — her  brown  taffata, 
— her  bone-laced  caps,  her  bed-gowns,  and 
comfortable    under-petticoats.  —  Not    a    rag 

38 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

was  left  behind. — "iVb, — she  will  never  look 
up  again,"  said  Susannah. 

We  had  a  fat,  foolish  scullion — my  father, 
I  think,  kept  her  for  her  simplicity;  —  she 
had  been  all  autumn  struggling  with  a 
dropsy. — He  is  dead,  said  Obadiah, — he  is 
certainly  dead !  —  So  am  not  I,  said  the 
foolish  scullion. 

Here  is  sad  news,  Trim,  cried  Susan- 
nah, wiping  her  eyes  as  Trim  stepp'd  into 
the  kitchen,  —  master  Bobby  is  dead  and 
buried — the  funeral  was  an  interpolation  of 
Susannah's — we  shall  have  all  to  go  into 
mourning,  said  Susannah. 

I  hope  not,  said  Trim. — You  hope  not! 
cried  Susannah  earnestly.  —  The  mourning 
ran  not  in  Trim's  head,  whatever  it  did  in 
Susannah's. — I  hope — said  Trim,  explaining 
himself,  I  hope  in  God  the  news  is  not 
true. — I  heard  the  letter  read  with  my  own 
ears,  answered  Obadiah;  and  we  shall  have 
a  terrible  piece  of  work  of  it  in  stubbing 
the  Ox-moor. — Oh!  he's  dead,  said  Susannah. 
— As  sure,  said  the  scullion,  as  I'm  alive. 

I  lament  for  him  from  my  heart  and  my 
soul,  said  Trim,  fetching  a  sigh.  —  Poor 
creature! — poor  boy! — poor  gentleman! 

39 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

— He  was  alive  last  Whitsontide!  said  the 
coachman.  —  Whitsontide  I  alas  !  cried  Trim, 
extending  his  right  arm,  and  falling  instantly 
into  the  same  attitude  in  which  he  read  the 
sermon, — what  is  Whitsontide,  Jonathan  (for 
that  was  the  coachman's  name),  or  Shrove- 
tide, or  any  tide  or  time  past,  to  this?  Are 
we  not  here  now,  continued  the  corporal 
(striking  the  end  of  his  stick  perpendicularly 
upon  the  floor,  so  as  to  give  an  idea  of 
health  and  stability)  —  and  are  we  not — 
(dropping  his  hat  upon  the  ground)  gone! 
in  a  moment!  —  'Twas  infinitely  striking! 
Susannah  burst  into  a  flood  of  tears. — We 
are  not  stocks  and  stones. — Jonathan,  Oba- 
diah,  the  cook- maid,  all  melted. — The  foolish 
fat  scullion  herself,  who  was  scouring  a  fish- 
kettle  upon  her  knees,  was  rous'd  with  it. — 
The  whole  kitchen  crowded  about  the  cor- 
poral. 

Now  as  I  perceive  plainly,  that  the  pre- 
servation of  our  constitution  in  church  and 
state, — and  possibly  the  preservation  of  the 
whole  world — or  what  is  the  same  thing, 
the  distribution  and  balance  of  its  property 
and  power,  may  in  time  to  come  depend 
greatly  upon  the  right  understanding  of  this 

40 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

stroke  of  the  corporal's  eloquence — I  do  de- 
mand your  attention  —  your  worships  and 
reverences,  for  any  ten  pages  together,  take 
them  where  you  will  in  any  other  part  of 
the  work,  shall  sleep  for  it  at  your  ease. 

I  said,  "we  were  not  stocks  and  stones" 
— 'tis  very  well.  I  should  have  added,  nor 
are  we  angels,  I  wish  we  were, — but  men 
clothed  with  bodies,  and  governed  by  our 
imaginations; — and  what  a  junketing  piece 
of  work  of  it  there  is,  betwixt  these  and 
our  seven  senses,  especially  some  of  them, 
for  my  own  part,  I  own  it,  I  am  ashamed 
to  confess.  Let  it  suffice  to  affirm,  that  of 
all  the  senses,  the  eye  (for  I  absolutely  deny 
the  touch,  though  most  of  your  Barbati,  I 
know,  are  for  it)  has  the  quickest  commerce 
with  the  soul, — gives  a  smarter  stroke,  and 
leaves  something  more  inexpressible  upon 
the  fancy,  than  words  can  either  convey — 
or  sometimes  get  rid  of. 

— I've  gone  a  little  about — no  matter,  'tis 
for  health — let  us  only  carry  it  back  in  our 
mind  to  the  mortality  of  Trim's  hat. — "Are 
we  not  here  now, — and  gone  in  a  moment?" 
— There  was  nothing  in  the  sentence — 'twas 
one  of  your  self-evident  truths  we  have  the 

41 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

advantage  of  hearing  every  day;  and  if 
Trim  had  not  trusted  more  to  his  hat  than 
his  head — he  had  made  nothing  at  all  of  it. 

"Are  we  not  here  now;"  continued 

the  corporal,  "and  are  we  not" — (dropping 
his  hat  plumb  upon  the  ground — and  pausing, 
before  he  pronounced  the  word) — "gone!  in 
a  moment?"  The  descent  of  the  hat  was 
as  if  a  heavy  lump  of  clay  had  been  kneaded 

into  the  crown  of  it. Nothing  could  have 

expressed  the  sentiment  of  mortality,  of 
which  it  was  the  type  and  fore-runner,  like 
it, — his  hand  seemed  to  vanish  from  under 
it, — it  fell  dead, — the  corporal's  eye  fixed 
upon  it,  as  upon  a  corpse, — and  Susannah 
burst  into  a  flood  of  tears. 

Now — Ten  thousand,  and  ten  thousand 
times  ten  thousand  (for  matter  and  motion 
are  infinite)  are  the  ways  by  which  a  hat 
may  be  dropped  upon  the  ground,  without 

any   effect. Had   he  flung  it,  or  thrown 

it,  or  cast  it,  or  skimmed  it,  or  squirted  it, 
or  let  it  slip  or  fall  in  any  possible  direction 
under  heaven, — or  in  the  best  direction  that 
could  be  given  to  it, — had  he  dropped  it 
like  a  goose — like  a  puppy — like  an  ass — or 
in  doing  it,  or  even  after  he  had  done,  had 

42 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

he  looked  like  a  fool — like  a  ninny — like  a 
nincompoop  —  it  had  fail'd,  and  the  effect 
upon  the  heart  had  been  lost. 

Ye  who  govern  this  mighty  world  and  its 
mighty  concerns  with  the  engines  of  elo- 
quence,— who  heat  it,  and  cool  it,  and  melt 

it,    and   mollify   it, and   then   harden   it 

again  to  your  purpose 

Ye  who  wind  and  turn  the  passions  with 
this  great  windlass,  and,  having  done  it, 
lead  the  owners  of  them,  whither  ye  think 
meet — 

Ye,  lastly,  who  drive and  why  not,  Ye 

also  who  are  driven,  like  turkeys  to  market 
with  a  stick  and  a  red  clout — meditate — 
meditate,  I  beseech  you,  upon  Trim's  hat. 


CHAPTER   VIII. 

STAY 1  have  a  small  account  to  settle 
with  the  reader  before  Trim  can  go  on 
with  his  harangue.  —  It   shall   be  done 
in  two  minutes. 

Amongst    many  other    book-debts,    all    of 

43 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

which  I  shall  discharge  in  due  time, —  I 
own  myself  a  debtor  to  the  world  for  two 
items, — a  chapter  upon  chamber-maids  and 
button-holes,  which,  in  the  former  part  of 
my  work,  I  promised  and  fully  intended  to 
pay  off  this  year:  but  some  of  your  wor- 
ships and  reverences  telling  me,  that  the 
two  subjects,  especially  so  connected  to- 
gether, might  endanger  the  morals  of  the 
world, — I  pray  the  chapter  upon  chamber- 
maids and  button-holes  may  be  forgiven 
me, — and  that  they  will  accept  of  the  last 
chapter  in  lieu  of  it;  which  is  nothing,  an't 
please  your  reverences,  but  a  chapter  of 
chamber-maids,  green  gowns,  and  old  hats. 

Trim  took  his  off  the  ground, — put  it 
upon  his  head, — and  then  went  on  with  his 
oration  upon  death,  in  manner  and  form 
following. 


CHAPTER    IX. 


To    us,    Jonathan,   who   know   not 

what  want  or  care  is — who  live  here  in  the 
service   of    two   of   the    best   of   masters — 


44 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

(bating  in  my  own  case  his  majesty  King 
William  the  Third,  whom  I  had  the  honour 
to  serve  both  in  Ireland  and  Flanders) — 
I  own  it,  that  from  Whitsontide  to  within 
three  weeks  of  Christmas ; — 'tis  not  long — 
'tis  like  nothing; — but  to  those,  Jonathan, 
who  know  what  death  is,  and  what  havock 
and  destruction  he  can  make,  before  a  man 
can  well  wheel  about — 'tis  like  a  whole  age. 
— O  Jonathan!  'twould  make  a  good-natured 
man's  heart  bleed,  to  consider,  continued  the 
corporal  (standing  perpendicularly),  how  low 
many  a  brave  and  upright  fellow  has  been 
laid  since  that  time! — And  trust  me,  Susy, 
added  the  corporal,  turning  to  Susannah, 
whose  eyes  were  swimming  in  water, — be- 
fore that  time  comes  round  again, — many  a 
bright  eye  will  be  dim. — Susannah  placed  it 
to  the  right  side  of  the  page — she  wept — 
but  she  court'sied  too. — Are  we  not,  con- 
tinued Trim,  looking  still  at  Susannah — are 
we  not  like  a  flower  of  the  field — a  tear  of 
pride  stole  in  betwixt  every  two  tears  of 
humiliation — else  no  tongue  could  have  de- 
scribed Susannah's  affliction — is  not  all  flesh 
grass  ?  —  'Tis  clay,  —  'tis  dirt.  —  They  all 
looked   directly   at   the   scullion,  —  the   scul- 

45 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

lion  had  just  been  scouring  a  fish-kettle. — 
It  was  not  fair. 

— What  is  the  finest  face  that  ever  man 
looked  at! — I  could  hear  Trim  talk  so  for 
ever,  cried  Susannah, — what  is  it!  {Susan- 
nah laid  her  hand  upon  Trim's  shoulder) — 
but  corruption? Susannah  took  it  off. 

Now  I  love  you  for  this — and  'tis  this 
delicious  mixture  within  you  which  makes 
you   dear  creatures   what   you    are — and    he 

who  hates  you  for  it all   I   can  say  of 

the  matter  is — That  he  has  either  a  pump- 
kin for  his  head — or  a  pippin  for  his  heart, 
— and  whenever  he  is  dissected  'twill  be 
found  so. 


CHAPTER  X. 

WHETHER  Susannah,  by  taking  her 
hand  too  suddenly  from  off  the  cor- 
poral's   shoulder    (by    the    whisking 

about  of  her  passions) broke  a  little  the 

chain  of  his  reflections 

Or  whether  the  corporal  began  to  be  sus- 
picious, he  had  got  into  the  doctor's  quar 

46 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

ters,  and   was   talking   more  like   the   chap- 
lain than  himself 

Or  whether 


Or  whether for  in  all  such  cases  a  man 

of  invention    and   parts    may   with   pleasure 

fill  a  couple  of  pages  with  suppositions 

which  of  all  these  was  the  cause,  let  the 
curious  physiologist,  or  the  curious  any  body 
determine 'tis  certain,  at  least,  the  cor- 
poral went  on  thus  with  his  harangue. 

For  my  own  part,  I  declare  it,  that  out 
of  doors,  I  value  not  death  at  all:  —  not 
this  .  .  added  the  corporal,  snapping  his  lin- 
gers,— but  with  an  air  which  no  one  but 
the  corporal  could  have  given  to  the  senti- 
ment.— In  battle,  I  value  death  not  this .  .  . 
and  let  him  not  take  me  cowardly,  like  poor 
Joe  Gibbins,  in  scouring  his  gun. — What  is 
he?  A  pull  of  a  trigger — a  push  of  a  bayo- 
net an  inch  this  way  or  that — makes  the 
difference.  —  Look  along  the  line  —  to  the 
right — see!  Jack's  down!  well, — 'tis  worth 
a  regiment  of  horse  to  him. — No — 'tis  Dick. 
Then  Jack's  no  worse. — Never  mind  which, 
— we  pass  on, — in  hot  pursuit  the  wound 
itself  which  brings  him  is  not  felt,  —  the 
best  way  is  to  stand  up  to  him, — the  man 

47 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

who  flies,  is  in  ten  times  more  danger  than 
the  man  who  marches  up  into  his  jaws. — 
I've  look'd  him,  added  the  corporal,  an 
hundred  times  in  the  face, — and  know  what 
he  is. — He's  nothing,  Obadiak,  at  all  in  the 
field. — But  he's  very  frightful  in   a  house, 

quoth  Obadiah. 1  never  mind  it  myself, 

said  Jonathan,  upon  a  coach-box. — It  must, 
in  my  opinion,  be  most  natural  in  bed,  re- 
plied Susannah. — And  could  I  escape  him 
by  creeping  into  the  worst  calf  s  skin  that 
ever  was  made  into  a  knapsack,  I  would  do 
it  there — said  Trim — but  that  is  nature. 

Nature    is    nature,    said    Jonathan. — 

And  that  is  the  reason,  cried  Susannah,  I 
so  much  pity  my  mistress. — She  will  never 
get  the  better  of  it. — Now  I  pity  the  captain 
the  most  of  any  one  in  the  family,  answered 

Trim. Madam  will  get  ease  of  heart  in 

weeping, — and  the  Squire  in  talking  about 
it, — but  my  poor  master  will  keep  it  all  in 
silence  to  himself.  — I  shall  hear  him  sigh  in 
his  bed  for  a  whole  month  together,  as  he 
did  for  lieutenant  Le  Fever. — An'  please 
your  honour,  do  not  sigh  so  piteously,  I 
would  say  to  him  as  I  laid  besides  him.  I 
cannot  help  it,  Trim,  my  master  would  say, 

48 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

'tis  so  melancholy  an  accident — I  can- 
not get  it  off  my  heart. — Your  honour  fears 
not  death  yourself. — I  hope,  Trim,  I  fear 
nothing,  he  would  say,  but  the  doing  a 
wrong  thing. Well,  he  would  add,  what- 
ever betides,  I  will  take  care  of  Le  Fever's 
boy.  —  And  with  that,  like  a  quieting 
draught,   his   honour   would   fall   asleep. 

I  like  to  hear  Trim's  stories  about  the 
captain,  said  Susannah.  —  He  is  a  kindly- 
hearted  gentleman,  said  Obadiah,  as  ever 
lived. — Aye,  and  as  brave  a  one  too,  said 
the  corporal,  as  ever  stept  before  a  platoon. 
— There  never  was  a  better  officer  in  the 
king's  army,  —  or  a  better  man  in  God's 
world;  for  he  would  march  up  to  the 
mouth  of  a  cannon,  though  he  saw  the 
lighted  match  at  the  very  touch- hole, — and 
yet,  for  all  that,  he  has  a  heart  as  soft  as  a 

child    for   other    people. He   would   not 

hurt   a   chicken. 1    would    sooner,    quoth 

Jonathan,  drive  such  a  gentleman  for  seven 
pounds  a  year  —  than  some  for  eight. — 
Thank  thee,  Jonathan/  for  thy  twenty 
shillings, — as  much,  Jonathan,  said  the  cor- 
poral, shaking  him  by  the  hand,  as  if  thou 
hadst   put  the   money  into  my  own  pocket. 

49 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

1  would  serve  him  to  the  day  of  my 

death  out  of  love.  He  is  a  friend  and  a 
brother  to  me, — and  could  I  be  sure  my 
poor  brother  Tom  was  dead, — continued  the 
corporal,  taking  out  his  handkerchief, — was 
I  worth  ten  thousand  pounds,  I  would  leave 

every  shilling  of  it  to  the  captain. Trim 

could  not  refrain  from  tears  at  this  testa- 
mentary proof  he  gave  of  his  affection  to  his 
master. — The  whole  kitchen  was  affected. — 
Do  tell  us  this  story  of  the  poor  lieutenant, 
said  Susannah. With  all  my  heart,  an- 
swered the  corporal. 

Susannahy  the  cook,  Jonathan,  Obadiah, 
and  corporal  Trim,  formed  a  circle  about 
the  fire ;  and  as ,  soon  as  the  scullion  had 
shut  the  kitchen  door, — the  corporal  begun. 


CHAPTER    XI. 

I  AM  a  Turk  if  I  had  not  as  much  for- 
got my  mother,  as  if  Nature  had  plais- 
tered  me  up,  and  set  me  down  naked 
upon  the  banks   of  the  river  Nile,  without 
one. Your   most  obedient   servant,   Mad- 
am— I've  cost  you  a  great  deal  of  trouble, 

BO 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

— I  wish  it  may  answer; — but  you  have  left 
a  crack  in  my  back, — and  here's  a  great 
piece  fallen  off  here  before, — and  what  must 

I  do  with  this  foot? 1  shall  never  reach 

England  with  it. 

For  my  own  part,  I  never  wonder  at  any 
thing; — and  so  often  has  my  judgment  de- 
ceived me  in  my  life,  that  I  always  suspect 
it,  right  or  wrong, — at  least  I  am  seldom 
hot  upon  cold  subjects.  For  all  this,  I 
reverence  truth  as  much  as  any  body;  and 
when  it  has  slipped  us,  if  a  man  will  but 
take  me  by  the  hand,  and  go  quietly  and 
search  for  it,  as  for  a  thing  we  have  both  lost, 
and  can  neither  of  us  do  well  without, — I'll 
go  to  the  world's  end  with  him: — — But  I 
hate  disputes,  —  and  therefore  (bating  relig- 
ious points,  or  such  as  touch  society)  I 
would  almost  subscribe  to  any  thing  which 
does    not    choak    me    in    the    first    passage, 

rather  than    be    drawn    into    one. But   I 

cannot  bear   suffocation, and    bad    smells 

worst  of  all. For  which  reasons,  I  re- 
solved from  the  beginning,  That  if  ever  the 
army  of  martyrs  was  to  be  augmented, — or 
a  new  one  raised, — I  would  have  no  hand 
in  it,  one  way  or  t'other. 

51 


THE   LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 


B 


CHAPTER    XII. 


UT  to  return  to  my  mother. 


My  uncle  Toby's  opinion,  Madam, 
"that  there  could  be  no  harm  in  Cornelius 
Gallus,  the  Roman  praetor's  lying  with  his 

wife;" or  rather  the  last  word   of  that 

opinion, — (for  it  was  all  my  mother  heard 
of  it)  caught  hold  of  her  by  the  weak  part 

of  the  whole  sex: You  shall  not  mistake 

me, — I  mean  her  curiosity, — she  instantly 
concluded  herself  the  subject  of  the  conver- 
sation, and  with  that  prepossession  upon  her 
fancy,  you  will  readily  conceive  every  word 
my  father  said,  was  accommodated  either  to 
herself,  or  her  family  concerns. 

Pray,    Madam,    in    what    street    does 

the  lady  live,  who  would  not  have  done  the 
same? 

From  the  strange  mode  of  Cornelius's 
death,  my  father  had  made  a  transition  to 
that  of  Socrates,  and  was  giving  my  uncle 
Toby  an  abstract  of  his  pleading  before  his 
judges; 'twas  irresistible: not  the  ora- 

58 


OF   TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

tion  of  Socrates, — but  my  father's  tempta- 
tion to  it. He  had  wrote   the  *  Life  of 

Socrates  himself  the  year  before  he  left  off 
trade,  which,  I  fear,  was  the  means  of  has- 
tening  him   out   of  it; so    that   no   one 

was  able  to  set  out  with  so  full  a  sail,  and 
in  so  swelling  a  tide  of  heroic  loftiness  upon 
the  occasion,  as  my  father  was.  Not  a  period 
in  Socrates's  oration,  which  closed  with  a 
shorter  word  than  transmigration,  or  annihi- 
lation,— or  a  worse  thought  in  the  middle 
of  it  than  to  be — or  not  to  be, — the  enter- 
ing upon  a  new  and  untried  state  of  things, 
— or,  upon  a  long,  a  profound  and  peaceful 
sleep,  without   dreams,  without  disturbance; 

That  we  and  our  children  were  born  to 

die, — but   neither   of  us   born    to    be   slaves. 

No — there   I   mistake;   that  was   part  of 

Eleazer's  oration,    as    recorded    by  Josephus 

(de  Bell.   Judaic.) Eleazer  owns  he  had 

it  from  the  philosophers  of  India;  in  all 
likelihood  Alexander  the  Great,  in  his  irrup- 
tion into  India,  after  he  had  over-run  Persia, 
amongst   the    many   things    he   stole, — stole 


•This  book  my  father  would  never  consent  to  publish;  'tis 
in  manuscript,  with  some  other  tracts  of  his,  in  the  family, 
all,  or  most  of  which  will  be  printed  in  due  time. 

53 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

that  sentiment  also;  by  which  means  it  was 
carried,  if  not  all  the  way  by  himself  (for 
we  all  know  he  died  at  Babylon),  at  least 
by  some  of  his  maroders,  into  Greece, — 
from  Greece  it  got  to  Rome, — from  Borne 
to  France, — and  from  France  to  England: 
So  things  come  round. 

By  land  carriage,  I  can  conceive  no  other 
way. 

By  water  the  sentiment  might  easily  have 
come  down  the  Ganges  into  the  Sinus 
Gangeticus,  or  Bap  of  Bengal,  and  so  into 
the  Indian  Sea;  and  following  the  course  of 
trade  (the  way  from  India  by  the  Cape  of 
Good  Hope  being  then  unknown),  might  be 
carried  with  other  drugs  and  spices  up  the 
Bed  Sea  to  Joddah,  the  port  of  Mekka,  or 
else  to  Tor  or  Sues,  towns  at  the  bottom 
of  the  gulf;  and  from  thence  by  karrawans 
to  Coptos,  but  three  days  journey  distant, 
so  down  the  Nile  directly  to  Alexandria, 
where  the  sentiment  would  be  landed  at 
the  very  foot  of  the  great  stair-case  of  the 
Alexandrian  library, and  from  that  store- 
house it  would  be  fetched. Bless  me! 

what  a  trade  was  driven  by  the  learned  in 
those  days. 

54 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 


CHAPTER   XIII. 

"^JOW  mjr  fatner  hac*  a  WSLY*  a  little 

JL^I      like  that  of  Job's  (in  case  there 

ever  was  such  a  man if  not, 

there's  an  end  of  the  matter. 

Though,  by  the  bye,  because  your  learned 
men  find  some  difficulty  in  fixing  the  pre- 
cise sera  in  which  so  great  a  man  lived; — 
whether,    for    instance,    before    or    after    the 

patriarchs,  &c. to  vote,  therefore,  that  he 

never  lived  at  all,  is  a  little  cruel, — 'tis  not 
doing  as  they  would   be  done  by, — happen 

that  as  it  may) My  father,  I  say,  had  a 

way,  when  things  went  extremely  wrong 
with  him,  especially  upon  the  first  sally  of 
his  impatience, — of  wondering  why  he  was 
begot,  —  wishing    himself   dead ; — sometimes 

worse: And    when    the    provocation    ran 

high,  and  grief  touched  his  lips  with  more 
than  ordinary  powers, — Sir,  you  scarce  could 
have  distinguished  him  from  Socrates  him- 
self.  Every  word  would  breathe  the  sen- 
timents of  a  soul  disdaining  life,  and  care- 
less about  all  its  issues;  for  which  reason, 
though    my    mother    was    a    woman    of    no 

55 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

deep  reading,  yet  the  abstract  of  Socrates' s 
oration,  which  my  father  was  giving  my 
uncle  Toby,  was  not  altogether  new  to  her. 
— She  listened  to  it  with  composed  intelli- 
gence, and  would  have  done  so  to  the  end 
of  the  chapter,  had  not  my  father  plunged 
(which  he  had  no  occasion  to  have  done) 
into  that  part  of  the  pleading  where  the 
great  philosopher  reckons  up  his  connections, 
his  alliances,  and  children;  but  renounces  a 
security  to  be  so  won  by  working  upon  the 
passions  of  his  judges. — "I  have  friends — I 
have  relations, — I  have  three  desolate  chil- 
dren,"— says  Socrates. — 

Then,  cried  my  mother,  opening  the 

door, you    have    one    more,   Mr  Shandy, 

than  I  know  of. 

By  heaven!  I  have  one  less, — said  my 
father,  getting  up  and  walking  out  of  the 
room. 


CHAPTER   XIV. 


They  are  Socrates's  children,  said  my 

uncle  Toby.     He  has  been  dead  a  hundred 
years  ago,  replied  my  mother. 

56 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

My  uncle  Toby  was  no  chronologer — so 
not  caring  to  advance  one  step  but  upon 
safe  ground,  he  laid  down  his  pipe  deliber- 
ately upon  the  table,  and  rising  up,  and 
taking  my  mother  most  kindly  by  the  hand, 
without  saying  another  word,  either  good  or 
bad,  to  her,  he  led  her  out  after  my  father, 
that  he  might  finish  the  ecclaircissement 
himself. 


CHAPTER   XV. 

HAD  this  volume  been  a  farce,  which, 
unless  every  one's  life  and  opinions 
are  to  be  looked  upon  as  a  farce  as 
well  as  mine,  I  see  no  reason  to  suppose — 
the  last  chapter,  Sir,  had  finished  the  first 
act  of  it,  and  then  this  chapter  must  have 
set  off  thus. 

Ptr. .  r. .  r. .  ing  —  twing — twang — prut — trut 

'tis  a  cursed  bad  fiddle. — Do  you  know 

whether  my  fiddle's  in  tune  or  no? — trut.. 
prut.. — They  should  be  fifths. 'Tis  wick- 
edly strung  —  tr...a. e. i.o.  u.  -twang.  — The 
bridge   is   a   mile   too   high,  and   the   sound 

57 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

post  absolutely  down, — else — trut  .  .  prut — 
hark !  'tis  not  so  bad  a  tone.  —  Diddle, 
diddle,  diddle,  diddle,  diddle,  diddle,  dum. 
There  is  nothing  in  playing  before  good 
judges, — but  there's  a  man  there — no — not 
him  with  the  bundle  under  his  arm — the 
grave  man  in  black. — 'Sdeath!  not  the  gen- 
tleman with  the  sword  on.  —  Sir,  I  had 
rather  play  a  Caprichio  to  Calliope  herself, 
than  draw  my  bow  across  my  fiddle  before 
that  very  man;  and  yet,  I'll  stake  my 
Cremona  to  a  Jew's  trump,  which  is  the 
greatest  musical  odds  that  ever  were  laid, 
that  I  will  this  moment  stop  three  hundred 
and  fifty  leagues  out  of  tune  upon  my  fid- 
dle, without  punishing  one  single  nerve  that 
belongs   to    him. — Twaddle    diddle,    tweddle 

diddle, — twiddle   diddle, twoddle  diddle, 

— twuddle  diddle, prut  trut — krish — krash 

— krush.  —  I've  undone  you,  Sir,  —  but  you 
see  he's  no  worse, — and  was  Apollo  to  take 
his  fiddle  after  me,  he  can  make  him  no 
better. 

Diddle  diddle,  diddle  diddle,  diddle  diddle 
— hum — dum  — drum. 

— Your  worships  and  your  reverences  love 
music  —  and    God    has    made    you    all   with 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

good  ears — and  some  of  you  play  delight- 
fully yourselves — trut-prut, — prut-trut. 

O!  there  is — whom  I  could  sit  and  hear 
whole  days, — whose  talents  lie  in  making 
what  he  fiddles  to  be  felt, — who  inspires  me 
with  his  joys  and  hopes,  and  puts  the  most 
hidden    springs   of   my   heart   into   motion. 

If  you  would  borrow  five  guineas  of 

me,  Sir, — which  is  generally  ten  guineas 
more  than  I  have  to  spare — or  you,  Messrs. 
Apothecary  and  Taylor,  want  your  bills 
paying, — that's  your  time. 


CHAPTER   XVI. 

THE  first  thing  which  entered  my 
father's  head,  after  affairs  were  a 
little  settled  in  the  family,  and  Su- 
sannah had  got  possession  of  my  mother's 
green  sattin  night-gown, — was  to  sit  down 
coolly,  after  the  example  of  JTenophon,  and 
write  a  Tm&TRA-paedia,  or  system  of  educa- 
tion for  me;  collecting  first  for  that  purpose 
his    own    scattered    thoughts,    counsels,    and 

59 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

notions;  and  binding  them  together,  so  as 
to  form  an  institute  for  the  government 
of  my  childhood  and  adolescence.  I  was 
my  father's  last  stake  —  he  had  lost  my 
brother  Bobby  entirely, — he  had  lost,  by  his 
own  computation,  full  three-fourths  of  me — 
that  is,  he  had  been  unfortunate  in  his  three 
first  great  casts  for  me — my  geniture,  nose, 
and  name, — there  was  but  this  one  left;  and 
accordingly  my  father  gave  himself  up  to  it 
with  as  much  devotion  as  ever  my  uncle 
Toby  had  done  to  his  doctrine  of  projectils. 
— The  difference  between  them  was,  that 
my  uncle  Toby  drew  his  whole  knowledge 
of  projectils  from  Nicholas  Tartaglia — My 
father  spun  his,  every  thread  of  it,  out  of 
his  own  brain, — or  reeled  and  cross- twisted 
what  all  other  spinners  and  spinsters  had 
spun  before  him,  that  'twas  pretty  near  the 
same  torture  to  him. 

In  about  three  years,  or  something  more, 
my  father  had  got  advanced  almost  into  the 
middle  of  his  work. — Like  all  other  writers, 
he  met  with  disappointments. — He  imagined 
he  should  be  able  to  bring  whatever  he  had 
to  say,  into  so  small  a  compass,  that  when 
it    was    finished    and    bound,    it    might    be 

60 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

rolled   up  in  my  mother's   hussive. — Matter     / 
grows   under  our  hands. — Let  no  man  say, 
— "Come — I'll  write  a  duodecimo." 

My  father  gave  himself  up  to  it,  how- 
ever, with  the  most  painful  diligence,  pro- 
ceeding step  by  step  in  every  line,  with  the 
same  kind  of  caution  and  circumspection 
(though  I  cannot  say  upon  quite  so  relig- 
ious a  principle)  as  was  used  by  John  de  la 
Casse,  the  lord  archbishop  of  Benevento,  in 
compassing  his  Galatea;  in  which  his  Grace 
of  Benevento  spent  near  forty  years  of  his 
life;  and  when  the  thing  came  out,  it  was 
not  of  above  half  the  size  or  the  thickness 
of  a  Rider' 's  Almanack.  —  How  the  holy 
man  managed  the  affair,  unless  he  spent 
the  greatest  part  of  his  time  in  combing 
his  whiskers,  or  playing  at  primero  with  his 
chaplain,  —  would  pose  any  mortal  not  let 
into  the  true  secret ;  —  and  therefore  'tis 
worth  explaining  to  the  world,  was  it  only 
for  the  encouragement  of  those  few  in  it, 
who  write  not  so  much  to  be  fed — as  to  be 
famous. 

I  own  had  John  de  la  Casse.  the  arch- 
bishop of  Benevento,  for  whose  memory 
(notwithstanding    his    Galatea)   I    retain   the 

61 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

highest  veneration,  —  had  he  been,  Sir,  a 
slender  clerk — of  dull  wit — slow  parts — cos- 
tive head,  and  so  forth, — he  and  his  Galatea 
might  have  jogged  on  together  to  the  age 
of  Methuselah  for  me,  —  the  phenomenon 
had  not  been  worth  a  parenthesis. — 

But  the  reverse  of  this  was  the  truth: 
John  de  la  Casse  was  a  genius  of  fine  parts 
and  fertile  fancy;  and  yet  with  all  these 
great  advantages  of  nature,  which  should 
have  pricked  him  forwards  with  his  Galatea, 
he  lay  under  an  impuissance  at  the  same 
time  of  advancing  above  a  line  and  a  half 
in  the  compass  of  a  whole  summer's  day: 
this  disability  in  his  Grace  arose  from  an 
opinion  he  was  afflicted  with,  —  which 
opinion  was  this,  —  viz.  that  whenever  a 
Christian  was  writing  a  book  (not  for  his 
private  amusement,  but)  where  his  intent 
and  purpose  was,  bona,  fide,  to  print  and 
publish  it  to  the  world,  his  first  thoughts 
were  always  the  temptations  of  the  evil 
one. — This  was  the  state  of  ordinary  writers: 
but  when  a  personage  of  venerable  character 
and  high  station,  either  in  church  or  state, 
once  turned  author,  —  he  maintained,  that 
from    the    very    moment    he    took    pen    in 

68 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

hand — all  the  devils  in  hell  broke  out  of 
their  holes  to  cajole  him. — 'Twas  Term- 
time  with  them, — every  thought,  first  and 
last,  was  captious; — how  specious  and  good 
soever, — 'twas  all  one; — in  whatever  form 
or  colour  it  presented  itself  to  the  imagina- 
tion,— 'twas  still  a  stroke  of  one  or  other 
of  'em  levell'd  at  him,  and  was  to  be 
fenced  off.  —  So  that  the  life  of  a  writer, 
whatever  he  might  fancy  to  the  contrary, 
was  not  so  much  a  state  of  composition,  as 
a  state  of  warfare;  and  his  probation  in  it, 
precisely  that  of  any  other  man  militant 
upon  earth, — both  depending  alike,  not  half 
so   much   upon   the   degrees  of  his  wit — as 

his    RESISTANCE. 

My  father  was  hugely  pleased  with  this 
theory  of  John  de  la  Casse,  archbishop  of 
Benevento ;  and  (had  it  not  cramped  him  a 
little  in  his  creed)  I  believe  would  have 
given  ten  of  the  best  acres  in  the  Shandy 
estate,  to  have  been  the  broacher  of  it. — 
How  far  my  father  actually  believed  in  the 
devil,  will  be  seen,  when  I  come  to  speak 
of  my  father's  religious  notions,  in  the  pro- 
gress of  this  work:  'tis  enough  to  say  here, 
as  he  could  not  have   the  honour  of  it,  in 

63 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

the  literal  sense  of  the  doctrine — he  took  up 

with  the  allegory  of  it; and  would  often 

say,  especially  when  his  pen  was  a  little  ret- 
rograde, there  was  as  much  good  meaning, 
truth,  and  knowledge,  couched  under  the 
veil  of  John  de  la  Casse's  parabolical  rep- 
resentation,— as  was  to  be  found  in  any  one 
poetic  fiction,  or  mystic  record  of  antiquity. 
— Prejudice  of  education,  he  would  say,  is 
the  devil,  —  and  the  multitudes  of  them 
which  we  suck  in  with  our  mother's  milk — 

are   the  devil  and  all. We    are    haunted 

with  them,  brother  Toby,  in  all  our  lucu- 
brations and  researches;  and  was  a  man  fool 
enough  to  submit  tamely  to  what  they  ob- 
truded upon  him,  —  what  would  his  book 
be  ?  Nothing, — he  would  add,  throwing  his 
pen  away  with  a  vengeance, — nothing  but  a 
farrago  of  the  clack  of  nurses,  and  of  the 
nonsense  of  the  old  women  (of  both  sexes) 
throughout  the  kingdom. 

This  is  the  best  account  I  am  determined 
to  give  of  the  slow  progress  my  father 
made  in  his  Tristra-poedia ;  at  which  (as  I 
said)  he  was  three  years  and  something  more, 
indefatigably  at  work,  and,  at  last,  had  scarce 
completed,  by  his  own  reckoning,  one  half  of 

64 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

his  undertaking:  the  misfortune  was,  that 
I  was  all  that  time  totally  neglected  and 
abandoned  by  my  mother;  and  what  was 
almost  as  bad,  by  the  very  delay,  the  first 
part  of  the  work,  upon  which  my  father  had 
spent  the  most   of  his   pains,   was   rendered 

entirely    useless, every   day    a    page    or 

two  became  of  no  consequence. 

Certainly  it  was  ordained  as  a  scourge 


upon  the  pride  of  human  wisdom,  That  the 
wisest  of  us  all  should  thus  outwit  ourselves, 
and  eternally  forego  our  purposes  in  the 
intemperate  act  of  pursuing  them. 

In  short,  my  father  was  so  long  in  all 
his  acts  of  resistance, — or  in  other  words, 
— he  advanced  so  very  slow  with  his  work, 
and  I  began  to  live  and  get  forwards  at  such 
a  rate,  that  if  an  event  had  not  happened, 

which,  when  we  get  to  it,  if  it  can  be 

told  with  decency,   shall  not  be  concealed  a 

moment  from  the  reader 1  verily  believe, 

I  had  put  by  my  father,  and  left  him  draw- 
ing a  sun-dial,  for  no  better  purpose  than 
to  be  buried  under  ground. 


66 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


T 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

WAS  nothing, — I  did  not  lose  two 

drops  of  blood  by  it 'twas  not 

worth  calling  in  a  surgeon,   had 

he  lived  next  door  to  us thousands  suffer 

by  choice,  what  I  did  by  accident. Doctor 

Slop  made  ten  times  more  of  it,  than  there 

was  occasion : some  men  rise,  by  the  art  of 

hanging  great  weights  upon  small  wires, — and 
I  am  this  day  {August  the  10th,  1761)  paying 
part  of  the  price   of  this   man's   reputation. 

O  'twould  provoke  a  stone,  to  see  how 

things  are  carried  on  in  this  world! The 

chamber-maid  had  left  no  *******  ***  under 

the   bed: Cannot    you    contrive,    master, 

quoth  Susannah,  lifting  up  the  sash  with  one 
hand,  as  he  spoke,  and  helping  me  up  into 
the  window-seat  with  the  other, — cannot  you 
manage,   my  dear,  for  a  single  time  to  **** 

Jfc.4i.4i-      -if-  -*i-      •4f>-V-4£>     -U-  -It-  -V'  -4£-  -if-  4fc-  0 
"TT  "Tr  w      TV"  TV*      "Tv  *A*  TV*      TV  "7V"  -tv"  *7\*  Tv  ■7T   *• 

I  was  five  years  old. Susannah  did  not 

consider  that  nothing  was  well  hung  in  our 
family, so  slap  came  the  sash  down  like 

66 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

lightning   upon   us; — Nothing  is   left, — cried 
Susannah, — nothing  is  left — for  me,   but   to 

run  my  country. 

My  uncle  Toby's  house  was  a  much 
kinder  sanctuary;  and  so  Susannah  fled 
to  it. 


CHAPTER   XVIII. 

WHEN  Susannah  told  the  corporal  the 
misadventure  of  the  sash,  with  all 
the  circumstances  which  attended 
the  murder  of  me, — (as  she  called  it) — the 
blood  forsook  his  cheeks; — all  accessaries  in 
murder  being  principals, — Trim's  conscience 
told  him  he  was  as  much  to  blame  as  Su- 
sannah,— and  if  the  doctrine  had  been  true, 
my  uncle  Toby  had  as  much  of  the  blood- 
shed to  answer  for  to  heaven,  as  either  of 
'em;  —  so  that  neither  reason  or  instinct, 
separate  or  together,  could  possibly  have 
guided  Susannah's  steps  to  so  proper  an 
asylum.     It  is   in  vain   to  leave  this  to  the 

Reader's   imagination: to   form   any  kind 

of  hypothesis  that  will  render  these  proposi- 

67 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

tions  feasible,  he  must  cudgel  his  brains 
sore, — and  to  do  it  without, — he  must  have 
such    brains    as    no    reader   ever   had    before 

him. Why  should   I  put  them  either  to 

trial  or  to  torture?  'Tis  my  own  affair:  I'll 
explain  it  myself. 


CHAPTER   XIX. 

TIS  a  pity,  Trim,  said  my  uncle  Toby, 
resting  with  his  hand  upon  the  cor- 
poral's shoulder,  as  they  both  stood 
surveying  their  works, — that  we  have  not  a 
couple  of  field- pieces  to  mount  in  the  gorge 

of  that  new  redoubt; 'twould  secure  the 

lines   all   along   there,  and   make   the   attack 

on   that   side   quite   complete: get   me   a 

couple  cast,  Trim. 

Your  honour  shall  have  them,  replied 
Trim,  before  to-morrow  morning. 

It  was  the  joy  of  Trim's  heart, — nor  was 
his  fertile  head  ever  at  a  loss  for  expedients 
in  doing  it,  to  supply  my  uncle  Toby  in  his 
campaigns,    with    whatever   his    fancy    called 

68 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

for;  had  it  been  his  last  crown,  he  would 
have  sate  down  and  hammered  it  into  a 
paderero,  to  have  prevented  a  single  wish  in 
his  Master.  The  corporal  had  already, — 
what  with  cutting  off  the  ends  of  my  uncle 
Toby's  spouts — hacking  and  chiseling  up  the 
sides  of  his  leaden  gutters, — melting  down 
his  pewter  shaving-bason,  —  and  going  at 
last,  like  Lewis  the   Fourteenth,  on  to  the 

top  of  the   church,  for   spare   ends,  &c. 

he  had  that  very  campaign  brought  no  less 
than  eight  new  battering  cannons,  besides 
three  demi-culverins  into  the  field ;  my 
uncle  Toby's  demand  for  two  more  pieces 
for  the  redoubt,  had  set  the  corporal  at 
work  again ;  and  no  better  resource  offer- 
ing, he  had  taken  the  two  leaden  weights 
from  the  nursery  window:  and  as  the  sash 
pullies,  when  the  lead  was  gone,  were  of  no 
kind  of  use,  he  had  taken  them  away  also, 
to  make  a  couple  of  wheels  for  one  of  their 
carriages. 

He  had  dismantled  every  sash-window  in 
my  uncle  Toby's  house  long  before,  in  the 
very  same  way, — though  not  always  in  the 
same  order;  for  sometimes  the  pullies  have 
been  wanted,  and  not  the  lead, — so  then  he 

69 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

began  with  the  pullies, — and  the  pullies  be- 
ing picked  out,  then  the  lead  became  use- 
less,— and  so  the  lead  went  to  pot  too. 

A    great     moral     might    be     picked 

handsomely  out  of  this,  but  I  have  not 
time — 'tis  enough  to  say,  wherever  the  de- 
molition began,  'twas  equally  fatal  to  the 
sash  window. 


CHAPTER   XX. 

THE  corporal   had   not   taken   his   meas- 
ures so  badly  in  this   stroke  of  artil- 
leryship,  but  that  he  might  have  kept 
the  matter  entirely  to  himself,  and  left  Su- 
sannah to  have  sustained  the  whole  weight 
of  the   attack,   as   she   could; — true   courage 

is   not  content  with  coming  off  so. The 

corporal,  whether   as   general   or   comptroller 

of  the  train, — 'twas  no  matter, had  done 

that,   without    which,    as    he    imagined,    the 
misfortune   could   never  have   happened, — at 

least  in   Susannah's   hands; How   would 

your  honours   have  behaved? He   deter- 

70 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

mined  at  once,  not  to  take  shelter  behind 
Susannah,  —  but  to  give  it;  and  with  this 
resolution  upon  his  mind,  he  marched  up- 
right into  the  parlour,  to  lay  the  whole 
manoeuvre  before  my  uncle   Toby. 

My  uncle  Toby  had  just  then  been  giving 
Yorick  an  account  of  the  Battle  of  Steen- 
kirk,  and  of  the  strange  conduct  of  count 
Solmes  in  ordering  the  foot  to  halt,  and 
the  horse  to  march  where  it  could  not  act; 
which  was  directly  contrary  to  the  king's 
commands,  and  proved  the  loss  of  the  day. 

There  are  incidents  in  some  families  so 
pat  to  the  purpose  of  what  is  going  to  fol- 
low,— they  are  scarce  exceeded  by  the  in- 
vention of  a  dramatic  writer; — I  mean  of 
ancient  days. 

Trim,  by  the  help  of  his  fore-finger,  laid 
flat  upon  the  table,  and  the  edge  of  his 
hand  striking  a-cross  it  at  right  angles, 
made  a  shift  to  tell  his  story  so,  that 
priests  and  virgins  might  have  listened  to 
it; — and  the  story  being  told, — the  dialogue 
went  on  as  follows. 


71 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XXI. 


1  would  be  picquetted  to  death,  cried 

the  corporal,  as  he  concluded  Susannah's 
story,  before  I  would  suffer  the  woman  to 
come  to  any  harm, — 'twas  my  fault,  an' 
please  your  honour, — not  hers. 

Corporal  Trim,  replied  my  uncle  Toby, 
putting    on    his    hat,    which    lay    upon    the 

table, if  any  thing  can  be  said  to  be  a 

fault,  when  the  service  absolutely  requires 
it  should  be  done, — 'tis  I  certainly  who  de- 
serve the  blame, you  obeyed  your  or- 
ders. 

Had  count  Solmes,  Trim,  done  the  same  at 
the  battle  of  Steenkirk,  said  Yorick,  drolling  a 
little  upon  the  corporal,   who  had  been  run 

over  by  a  dragoon  in  the  retreat, he  had 

saved  thee! Saved!  cried  Trim,  inter- 
rupting Yorick,  and  finishing  the  sentence  for 

him  after  his  own  fashion, he  had  saved 

five  battalions,  an'  please  your  reverence, 
every  soul  of  them: there  was  Cutts's — 

72 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

continued  the  corporal,  clapping  the  fore- 
finger of  his  right  hand  upon  the  thumb  of 

his  left,  and  counting  round  his  hand, there 

was    Cutts's, Mackay's, Angus's, 

Graham's and  Leven's,  all  cut  to  pieces; 

and  so  had  the  English  life-guards  too, 

had  it  not  been  for  some  regiments  upon 
the  right,  who  marched  up  boldly  to  their 
relief,  and  received  the  enemy's  fire  in  their 
faces,  before  any  one  of  their  own  platoons 

discharged  a  musket, they'll  go  to  heaven 

for  it, — added  Trim. — Trim  is  right,  said  my 
uncle  Toby,  nodding  to  Yorick, he's  per- 
fectly right.  What  signified  his  marching 
the  horse,  continued  the  corporal,  where  the 
ground  was  so  straight,  that  the  French  had 
such  a  nation  of  hedges,  and  copses,  and 
ditches,  and  fell'd  trees  laid  this  way  and 
that  to  cover   them;    (as  they  always  have.) 

-Count  Solmes  should  have  sent  us, 

we  would  have  fired  muzzle  to  muzzle  with 

them  for  their  lives. There  was   nothing 

to   be   done    for   the    horse: he    had    his 

foot  shot  off  however  for  his  pains,  continued 
the  corporal,  the  very  next  campaign  at 
Landen. — Poor  Trim  got  his  wound  there, 
quoth  my  uncle  Toby. 'Twas  owing,  an' 

73 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

please  your  honour,  entirely  to  count  Solmes, 

had  he  drubb'd  them  soundly  at  Steen- 

kirk,    they   would    not    have    fought    us    at 

Landen. Possibly     not, Trim,    said 

my  uncle   Toby  ; though  if  they  have  the 

advantage  of  a  wood,  or  you  give  them  a  mo- 
ment's time  to  intrench  themselves,  they  are 
a  nation  which  will  pop  and  pop  for  ever  at 

you. There  is  no  way  but  to  march  coolly 

up  to  them, receive  their  fire,  and  fall  in 

upon  them,   pell-mell Ding  dong,   added 

Trim. Horse    and    foot,    said    my  uncle 

Toby. Helter    skelter,     said     Trim. 

Right   and  left,    cried   my  uncle    Toby. 

Blood  an'  ounds,  shouted  the  corporal; 

the  battle  raged, Yorick   drew   his  chair 

a  little  to  one  side  for  safety,  and  after  a 
moment's  pause,  my  uncle  Toby,  sinking 
his  voice  a  note, — resumed  the  discourse  as 
follows. 


74 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

KING  William,  said  my  uncle   Toby,  ad- 
dressing   himself   to    Yorick,    was    so 
terribly  provoked  at  count  Solmes  for 
disobeying   his   orders,    that    he   would    not 
suffer  him  to   come    into    his    presence  for 

many    months    after. 1    fear,     answered 

Yorick,  the  squire  will  be  as  much  pro- 
voked  at   the  corporal,  as  the  King  at  the 

count. But    'twould    be    singularly    hard 

in  this  case,  continued  he,  if  corporal  Trim, 
who  has  behaved  so  diametrically  opposite 
to  count  Solmes,  should  have  the  fate  to  be 

rewarded   with    the    same    disgrace; too 

oft  in  this  world  do  things  take  that  train. 

1  would  spring  a  mine,  cried  my  uncle 

Toby,  rising  up, and  blow  up  my  forti- 
fications, and  my  house  with  them,  and  we 
would  perish  under  their  ruins,  ere  I  would 

stand    by    and    see    it. Trim    directed    a 

slight, but   a    grateful    bow   towards  his 

master, and  so  the  chapter  ends. 


1$ 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 


-Then,  Yorick,  replied  my  uncle  Toby, 


you    and    I    will   lead   the   way  abreast, 

and  do   you,    corporal,    follow   a    few    paces 

behind    us. And    Susannah,    an'    please 

your  honour,  said   Trim,  shall  be  put  in  the 

rear. 'Twas  an  excellent  disposition, — and 

in  this  order,  without  either  drums  beating, 
or  colours  flying,  they  marched  slowly  from 
my  uncle  Toby's  house  to  Shandy-hall. 

1    wish,    said  Trim,    as    they   entered 

the  door,  instead  of  the  sash  weights,  I  had 
cut  off  the  church  spout,  as  I  once  thought 
to  have  done. — You  have  cut  off  spouts 
enow,  replied  Yorick. 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 

AS   many   pictures    as    have    been    given 
of  my  father,  how  like  him  soever  in 
different  airs  and  attitudes, — not  one, 
or  all  of  them,   can  ever  help  the  reader  to 

16 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

any  kind  of  preconception  of  how  my 
father  would  think,  speak,  or  act,  upon 
any  untried  occasion  or  occurrence  of  life. 
—  There  was  that  infinitude  of  oddities  in 
him,  and  of  chances  along  with  it,  by 
which  handle  he  would  take  a  thing,  —  it 
baffled,  Sir,  all  calculations.  —  The  truth 
was,  his  road  lay  so  very  far  on  one  side, 
from  that  wherein  most  men  travelled, — 
that  every  object  before  him  presented  a 
face  and  section  of  itself  to  his  eye,  alto- 
gether different  from  the  plan  and  elevation 
of  it  seen  by  the  rest  of  mankind.  —  In 
other  words,  'twas  a  different  object,  and 
in  course  was  differently  considered: 

This  is  the  true  reason,  that  my  dear 
Jenny  and  I,  as  well  as  all  the  world  be- 
sides us,  have  such  eternal  squabbles  about 
nothing. — She  looks  at  her  outside, — I,  at 
her  in — .  How  is  it  possible  we  should 
agree  about  her  value  ? 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER   XXV. 

TIS  a  point  settled, — and  I  mention  it 
for  the  comfort  of  *  Confucius,  who 
is  apt  to  get  entangled  in  telling  a 
plain  story  —  that  provided  he  keeps  along 
the  line  of  his  story,  —  he  may  go  back- 
wards and  forwards  as  he  will,  —  'tis  still 
held  to  be  no  digression. 

This  being   premised,   I   take  the  benefit 
of  the  act  of  going  backwards  myself. 


CHAPTER   XXVI. 

FIFTY  thousand  pannier  loads  of  devils — 
(not  of  the  Archbishop  of  Benevento's, 
— I  mean  of  Rabelais' s  devils)  with  then- 
tails  chopped  off  by  their  rumps,  could  not 
have  made  so  diabolical  a  scream  of  it,   as 

*  Mr    Shandy    is    supposed    to    mean    ********     ***t    Esq.; 
member  for  ******,   and  not  the   Chinese  Legislator. 

78 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

I  did  —  when  the  accident  befell  me:  it 
summoned  up  my  mother  instantly  into  the 
nursery,  —  so  that  Susannah  had  but  just 
time  to  make  her  escape  down  the  back 
stairs,  as  my  mother  came  up  the  fore. 

Now,  though  I  was  old  enough  to  have 
told  the  story  myself, — and  young  enough, 
I  hope,  to  have  done  it  without  malignity; 
yet  Susannah,  in  passing  by  the  kitchen,  for 
fear  of  accidents,  had  left  it  in  short- hand 
with  the  cook — the  cook  had  told  it  with  a 
commentary  to  Jonathan,  and  Jonathan  to 
Obadiah;  so  that  by  the  time  my  father 
had  rung  the  bell  half  a  dozen  times,  to 
know  what  was  the  matter  above,  —  was 
Obadiah  enabled  to  give  him  a  particular 
account  of  it,  just  as  it  had  happened. — I 
thought  as  much,  said  my  father,  tuck- 
ing up  his  night-gown; — and  so  walked  up 
stairs. 

One  would  imagine  from  this (though 

for  my  own  part  I  somewhat  question  it) — 
that  my  father,  before  that  time,  had  actu- 
ally wrote  that  remarkable  character  in  the 
Tristra-pcedia,  which  to  me  is  the  most 
original  and  entertaining  one  in  the  whole 
book; — and  that  is    the   chapter  upon  sash- 

79 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

windows,  with  a  bitter  Philippick  at  the  end 
of  it,  upon  the  forgetfulness  of  chamber- 
maids.— I  have  but  two  reasons  for  think- 
ing otherwise. 

First,  Had  the  matter  been  taken  into 
consideration  before  the  event  happened, 
my  father  certainly  would  have  nailed  up 
the  sash  window  for  good  an'  all; — which, 
considering  with  what  difficulty  he  com- 
posed books, — he  might  have  done  with  ten 
times  less  trouble,  than  he  could  have  wrote 
the  chapter:  this  argument  I  foresee  holds 
good  against  his  writing  a  chapter,  even 
after  the  event;  but  'tis  obviated  under  the 
second  reason,  which  I  have  the  honour  to 
offer  to  the  world  in  support  of  my  opinion, 
that  my  father  did  not  write  the  chapter 
upon  sash-windows  and  chamber-pots,  at  the 
time  supposed, — and  it  is  this. 

That,  in  order  to  render  the  Tristra- 

poedia  complete, — I  wrote  the  chapter  my- 
self. 


80 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER   XXVII. 

MY  father  put  on  his  spectacles — looked, 
— took  them  off, — put  them  into  the 
case — all  in  less  than  a  statutable 
minute;  and  without  opening  his  lips,  turned 
about  and  walked  precipitately  down  stairs: 
my  mother  imagined  he  had  stepped  down 
for  lint  and  basilicon;  but  seeing  him  return 
with  a  couple  of  folios  under  his  arm,  and 
Obadiah  following  him  with  a  large  read- 
ing-desk, she  took  it  for  granted  'twas  an 
herbal,  and  so  drew  him  a  chair  to  the  bed- 
side, that  he  might  consult  upon  the  case  at 
his  ease. 

If  it   be   but   right   done,  —  said   my 

father,   turning   to   the  Section — de  sede   vel 

subjecto  circumcisionis, for  he  had  brought 

up  Spenser  de  Legibus  Hebrceorum  Rituali- 
bus — and  Maimonides,  in  order  to  confront 
and  examine  us  altogether. — 

If  it  be  but  right  done,  quoth  he: — 

only  tell  us,   cried   my  mother,  interrupting 

him,    what    herbs. For   that,   replied   my 

father,  you   must  send   for  Dr  Slop. 

81 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

My    mother    went    down,  and    my   father 
went  on,  reading  the  section  as  follows, 
######### 

•  ••***•*# 

*  *      Very  well, — said  my  father, 

•  •#*##### 

********* 

*  *        — nay,  if  it  has  that  convenience 

and   so  without  stopping  a  moment  to 

settle  it  first  in  his  mind,  whether  the  Jews 
had  it  from  the  Egyptians,  or  the  Egyptians 
from  the  Jews,  —  he  rose  up,  and  rubbing 
his  forehead  two  or  three  times  across  with 
the  palm  of  his  hand,  in  the  manner  we 
rub  out  the  footsteps  of  care,  when  evil  has 
trod  lighter  upon  us  than  we  foreboded, — 
he  shut  the  book,  and  walked  down  stairs. 
— Nay,  said  he,  mentioning  the  name  of  a 
different  great  nation  upon  every  step  as  he 
set  foot  upon  it — if  the  Egyptians, — the 
Syrians, — the  Phoenicians, — the  Arabians, 

— the  Cappadocians, if  the  Colchi,  and 

Troglodytes  did  it if  Solon  and  Pyth- 
agoras submitted, — what  is  Tristram? 

Who  am  I,  that  I  should  fret  or  fume  one 
moment  about  the  matter? 


82 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XXVIII. 

DEAR  Yorick,  said  my  father,  smiling 
(for  Yorick  had  broke  his  rank  with 
my  uncle  Toby  in  coming  through 
the  narrow  entry,  and  so  had  stept  first 
into  the  parlour) — this  Tristram  of  ours,  I 
find,  comes  very  hardly  by  all  his  religious 
rites. — Never  was  the  son  of  Jew,  Christian, 
Turk,  or  Infidel  initiated  into  them  in  so 
oblique  and  slovenly  a  manner. — But  he  is 
no  worse,  I  trust,  said  Yorick. — There  has 
been  certainly,  continued  my  father,  the 
deuce  and  all  to  do  in  some  part  or  other 
of  the  ecliptic,  when  this  offspring  of  mine 
was  formed. — That,  you  are  a  better  judge 
of  than  I,  replied  Yorick.  —  Astrologers, 
quoth  my  father,  know  better  than  us 
both  :  —  the  trine  and  sextil  aspects  have 
jumped  awry, — or  the  opposite  of  their 
ascendents  have  not  hit  it,  as  they  should, 
— or  the  lords  of  the  genitures  (as  they  call 
them)  have  been  at  bo-peep, — or  something 
has  been  wrong  above,  or  below  with  us. 

83 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

*Tis  possible,  answered  Yorick.  —  But  is 
the  child,  cried  my  uncle   Toby,  the  worse  ? 

—  The  Troglodytes  say  not,  replied  my 
father.  And  your  theologists,  Yorick,  tell 
us — Theologically?  said  Yorick, — or  speak- 
ing after  the  manner  of  *  apothecaries  ? — t 
statesmen? — or  J  washer- women  ? 

I'm  not  sure,  replied  my  father, — but 

they  tell  us,   brother    Toby,   he's  the  better 

for  it. Provided,  said   Yorick,  you  travel 

him  into  Egypt. Of  that,  answered  my 

father,  he  will  have  the  advantage,  when  he 
sees  the  Pyramids. 

Now  every  word  of  this,  quoth  my  uncle 

Toby,   is  Arabick   to    me. 1    wish,   said 

Yorick,  'twas  so,  to  half  the  world. 

— §  Ilus,  continued  my  father,  circumcised 
his  whole  army  one  morning. — Not  without 

a  court  martial  ?   cried  my  uncle  Toby. 

Though  the  learned,  continued  he,  taking 
no  notice  of   my  uncle   Toby's  remark,  but 

*  XaXeir^s  vbaov,  nal  Swidrov   diraXXa?^,  1)v  HvOpaiea  Ka\ov<rtv. 

—  Philo. 

f  TA  Ttp.v6fj.eva  ruv  iOvuv  iroXvyovibrara,  xai  iroXvavdpuvirara 
tlttu. 

X  Ka8apt6r7}TOi  etveicev.  —  Bochart. 

§  '0  IXot,  tA  alSota  irepirtfiverai,  rivrb  volifirai  Ka\  rob*  &p 
avr$  avwiAxovs  KaravayKdeas.  —  SANCHUNIATHO. 

84 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

turning  to  Yorick, — are  greatly  divided  still 
who  Ilus  was ; — some  say  Saturn; — some  the 
Supreme   Being ;  —  others,   no   more  than   a 

brigadier    general    under    Pharaoh-neco. 

Let  him  be  who  he  will,  said  my  uncle 
Toby,  I  know  not  by  what  article  of  war 
he  could  justify  it. 

The  controvertists,  answered  my  father, 
assign  two -and -twenty  different  reasons  for 
it :  —  others  indeed,  who  have  drawn  their 
pens  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  question, 
have  shewn  the  world  the  futility  of  the 
greatest  part  of  them.  —  But  then  again, 
our  best  polemic  divines — I  wish  there  was 
not  a  polemic  divine,  said  Yorick,  in  the\ 
kingdom; — one  ounce  of  practical  divinity — 
is  worth  a  painted  ship-load  of  all  their 
reverences  have  imported  these  fifty  years. 
— Pray,   Mr  Yorick,  quoth  my  uncle   Toby, 

— do  tell  me  what  a  polemic  divine  is? 

The  best  description,  captain  Shandy,  I  have 
ever  read,  is  of  a  couple  of  'em,  replied 
Yorick,  in  the  account  of  the  battle  fought 
single   hands   betwixt    Gymnast   and   captain 

Tripet ;   which    I    have  in  my   pocket. 1 

beg  I  may  hear  it,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby 
earnestly. — You  shall,  said   Yorick. — And  as 

85 


THE   LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

the  corporal  is  waiting  for  me  at  the  door, 
— and  I  know  the  description  of  a  battle 
will  do  the  poor  fellow  more  good  than  his 
supper,  —  I  beg,  brother,  you'll  give  him 
leave  to  come  in. — With  all  my  soul,  said 

my    father. Trim    came    in,    erect    and 

happy  as  an  emperor;  and  having  shut  the 
door,  Yorick  took  a  book  from  his  right- 
hand  coat- pocket,  and  read,  or  pretended  to 
read,  as  follows. 


CHAPTER    XXIX. 


"which  words  being  heard  by  all  the 


soldiers  which  were  there,  divers  of  them 
being  inwardly  terrified,  did  shrink  back  and 
make  room  for  the  assailant:  all  this  did 
Gymnast  very  well  remark  and  consider; 
and  therefore,  making  as  if  he  would  have 
alighted  from  off  his  horse,  as  he  was  pois- 
ing himself  on  the  mounting  side,  he  most 
nimbly  (with  his  short  sword  by  his  thigh) 
shifting  his  feet  in  the  stirrup,  and  perform- 
ing  the    stirrup-leather  feat,   whereby,   after 

86 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

the  inclining  of  his  body  downwards,  he 
forthwith  launched  himself  aloft  into  the 
air,  and  placed  both  his  feet  together  upon 
the  saddle,  standing  upright,  with  his  back 
turned  towards  his  horse's  head, — Now  (said 
he)  my  case  goes  forward.  Then  suddenly 
in  the  same  posture  wherein  he  was,  he 
fetched  a  gambol  upon  one  foot,  and  turn- 
ing to  the  left-hand,  failed  not  to  carry  his 
body   perfectly  round,  just   into   his    former 

position,    without    missing    one   jot. Ha! 

said  Tripet,  I  will  not  do  that  at  this  time, 
— and  not  without  cause.  Well,  said  Gym- 
nast, I  have  failed, — I  will  undo  this  leap; 
then  with  a  marvellous  strength  and  agility, 
turning  towards  the  right-hand,  he  fetched 
another  frisking  gambol  as  before;  which 
done,  he  set  his  right-hand  thumb  upon  the 
bow  of  the  saddle,  raised  himself  up,  and 
sprung  into  the  air,  poising  and  upholding 
his  whole  weight  upon  the  muscle  and 
nerve  of  the  said  thumb,  and  so  turned 
and  whirled  himself  about  three  times:  at 
the  fourth,  reversing  his  body,  and  over- 
turning it  upside  down,  and  fore-side  back, 
without  touching-  any  thing,  he  brought  him- 
self betwixt  the  horse's  two  ears,  and  then 

87 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

giving  himself  a  jerking  swing,  he  seated 
himself  upon  the  crupper " 

(This    can't    be    fighting,   said    my    uncle 

Toby. The   corporal   shook   his   head   at 

it. Have  patience,  said  Yorick.) 

"Then  (Tripet)  pass'd  his  right  leg  over 
his  saddle,  and  placed  himself  en  croup. — 
But,  said  he,  'twere  better  for  me  to  get 
into  the  saddle ;  then  putting  the  thumbs 
of  both  hands  upon  the  crupper  before  him, 
and  thereupon  leaning  himself,  as  upon  the 
only  supporters  of  his  body,  he  inconti- 
nently turned  heels  over  head  in  the  air, 
and  strait  found  himself  betwixt  the  bow  of 
the  saddle  in  a  tolerable  seat;  then  springing 
into  the  air  with  a  summerset,  he  turned 
him  about  like  a  wind-mill,  and  made  above 
a  hundred  frisks,  turns,  and  demi-pomma- 
das. " — Good  God!  cried  Trim,  losing  all 
patience, — one    home    thrust    of   a    bayonet 

is   worth   it  all. 1   think   so   too,  replied 

Yorick. 

I  am  of  a  contrary  opinion,  quoth  my 
father. 


88 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XXX. 


No, — I  think  I  have  advanced  noth- 
ing, replied  my  father,  making  answer  to  a 
question  which  Yorick  had  taken  the  liberty 
to  put  to  him, — I  have  advanced  nothing 
in  the  Tristra-pcedia,  but  what  is  as  clear  as 
any  one  proposition  in  Euclid. — Reach  me, 

Trim,  that  book  from  off  the  scrutoir: it 

has  oft-times  been  in  my  mind,  continued 
my  father,  to  have  read  it  over  both  to 
you,  Yorick,  and  to  my  brother  Toby,  and 
I  think  it  a  little   unfriendly  in   myself,   in 

not  having   done   it   long   ago: shall   we 

have  a  short  chapter  or  two  now, — and  a 
chapter  or  two  hereafter,  as  occasions  serve; 
and  so  on,  till  we  get  through  the  whole? 
My  uncle  Toby  and  Yorick  made  the  obeis- 
ance which  was  proper;  and  the  corporal, 
though  he  was  not  included  in  the  compli- 
ment,  laid    his    hand    upon    his   breast,   and 

made    his    bow   at    the    same    time. The 

company  smiled.  Trim,  quoth  my  father, 
has   paid  the  full  price  for  staying  out  the 

89 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

entertainment. He  did  not  seem  to  relish 

the  play,  replied  Yorick. 'Twas  a  Tom- 
fool-battle, an'  please  your  reverence,  of  cap- 
tain Tripefs  and  that  other  officer,  making 

so  many  summersets,  as  they  advanced; 

the  French  come  on  capering  now  and  then 
in  that  way, — but  not  quite  so  much. 

My  uncle  Toby  never  felt  the  conscious- 
ness of  his  existence  with  more  complacency 
than  what  the  corporal's,  and  his  own  reflec- 
tions, made  him  do  at  that  moment; he 

lighted   his  pipe, Yorick  drew   his   chair 

closer  to  the  table, — Trim  snufFd  the  can- 
dle,— my  father  stirr'd  up  the  fire, — took  up 
the  book, — cough 'd  twice,  and  begun. 


CHAPTER   XXXI. 

THE  first  thirty  pages,  said   my  father, 
turning  over  the  leaves, — are  a  little 
dry;  and  as  they  are  not  closely  con- 
nected with  the   subject, for  the  present 

we'll  pass  them  by:    'tis  a  prefatory  intro- 
duction, continued   my  father,  or   an   intro- 

90 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

ductory  preface  (for  I  am  not  determined 
which  name  to  give  it)  upon  political  or 
civil  government;  the  foundation  of  which 
being  laid  in  the  first  conjunction  betwixt 
male    and    female,    for    procreation    of    the 

species 1  was  insensibly  led  into  it. 

'Twas  natural,  said  Yorick. 

The  original  of  society,  continued  my 
father,  I'm  satisfied  is,  what  Politian  tells 
us,  i.  e.,  merely  conjugal;  and  nothing 
more  than  the  getting  together  of  one  man 
and  one  woman; — to  which,  (according  to 
Hesiod)    the    philosopher    adds    a    servant: 

but    supposing    in    the    first    beginning 

there    were    no    men    servants    born he 

lays    the    foundation    of   it,    in   a    man, — a 

woman  —  and   a  bull. 1    believe    'tis   an 

ox,  quoth  Yorick y  quoting  the  passage  (ohcov 

ixhv  TrpaTiara,   ywal/ca  re,  fiovv  r    apoTrjpa). A 

bull    must    have    given    more    trouble    than 

his    head    was    worth. But    there    is    a 

better  reason  still,  said  my  father  (dipping 
his  pen  into  his  ink);  for,  the  ox  being  the 
most  patient  of  animals,  and  the  most  use- 
ful withal  in  tilling  the  ground  for  their 
nourishment, — was  the  properest  instrument, 
and  emblem  too,  for  the  new  joined  couple, 

91 


THE    LIFF   AND   OPINIONS 

that  the  creation  could  have  associated  with 
them. — And  there  is  a  stronger  reason, 
added  my  uncle  Toby,  than  them  all  for 
the  ox. — My  father  had  not  power  to  take 
his  pen  out  of  his  ink-horn,  till  he  had 
heard  my  uncle  Toby's  reason. — For  when 
the  ground-  was  tilled,  said  my  uncle  Toby, 
and  made  worth  inclosing,  then  they  began 
to   secure   it    by    walls    and    ditches,    which 

was    the    origin    of    fortification. True, 

true,  dear  Toby,  cried  my  father,  striking 
out  the  bull,  and  putting  the  ox  in  his 
place. 

My  father  gave  Trim  a  nod,  to  snuff  the 
candle,   and  resumed  his  discourse. 

1    enter    upon    this    speculation,    said 

my  father  carelessly,  and  half  shutting  the 
book,  as  he  went  on,  merely  to  shew  the 
foundation  of  the  natural  relation  between 
a  father  and  his  child;  the  right  and  juris- 
diction over  whom  he  acquires  these  several 
ways — 

1st,  by  marriage. 

2d,  by  adoption. 

3d,  by  legitimation. 

And  4th,  by  procreation;  all  of  which  I 
consider  in  their  order. 

92 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

I   lay   a  slight   stress  upon  one  of  them, 

replied    Yorick the   act,   especially  where 

it  ends  there,  in  my  opinion  lays  as  little 
obligation  upon  the  child,  as  it  conveys 
power  to  the  father. — You  are  wrong, — 
said   my   father   argutely,   and  for  this  plain 


reason 

#         # 


"R*  *K*  *rr  "&  ^P  *w  ^f 


*  *  . — I  own,  added  my  father,  that 
the  offspring,  upon  this  account,  is  not  so 
under  the  power  and  jurisdiction  of  the 
mother. — But    the    reason,     replied     Yorick, 

equally  holds  good  for  her. She  is  under 

authority  herself,  said  my  father: — and  be- 
sides, continued  my  father,  nodding  his 
head,  and  laying  his  finger  upon  the  side  of 
his  nose,  as  he  assigned  his  reason, — she  is 
not  the  principal  agent,  Yorick. — In  what, 
quoth  my  uncle  Toby,  stopping  his  pipe. — 
Though  by  all  means,  added  my  father  (not 
attending  to  my  uncle  Toby)  "  The  son 
ought  to  pay  her  respect,"  as  you  may  read, 
Yorick,  at  large  in  the  first  book  of  the  In- 
stitutes of  Justinian,  at  the  eleventh  title 
and  the  tenth  section. — I  can  read  it  as 
well,  replied   Yorick,  in  the  Catechism. 


93 


THE   LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER  XXXII. 


TRIM  can  repeat  every  word  of  it  by 
heart,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby. — Pugh! 
said  my  father,  not  caring  to  be  in- 
terrupted with  Trim's  saying  his  Catechism. 
He  can,  upon  my  honour,  replied  my  uncle 
Toby. — Ask  him,  Mr.  Yorick,  any  question 
you  please. 

— The  fifth  Commandment,  Trim — said 
Yorick,  speaking  mildly,  and  with  a  gentle 
nod,  as  to  a  modest  Catechumen.  The  cor- 
poral stood  silent.  —  You  don't  ask  him 
right,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  raising  his 
voice,    and   giving   it   rapidly  like  the  word 

of  command; The  fifth cried  my 

uncle  Toby. — I  must  begin  with  the  first, 
an'  please  your  honour,  said  the  cor- 
poral.  

— Yorick  could  not  forbear  smiling.  — 
Your  reverence  does  not  consider,  said  the 
corporal,  shouldering  his  stick  like  a  mus- 
ket,   and    marching  into    the   middle  of  the 

94 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

room,  to  illustrate  his  position, — that  'tis 
exactly  the  same  thing,  as  doing  one's  ex- 
ercise in  the  field. — 

"Join  your  right-hand  to  your  firelock" 
cried  the  corporal,  giving  the  word  of  com- 
mand, and  performing  the  motion. — 

"Poise  your  firelock,"  cried  the  corporal, 
doing  the  duty  still  both  of  adjutant  and 
private  man. 

"Rest  your  firelock;" — one  motion,  an' 
please  your  reverence,  you  see  leads  into 
another. — If  his  honour  will  begin  but  with 
the  first — 

The  first — cried  my  uncle  Toby,  setting 
his  hand  upon  his  side —     *         *        #       * 

The  second — cried  my  uncle  Toby,  wav- 
ing his  tobacco-pipe,  as  he  would  have 
done  his  sword  at  the  head  of  a  regiment. 
— The  corporal  went  through  his  manual 
with  exactness;  and  having  honoured  his 
father  and  mother,  made  a  low  bow,  and 
fell  back  to  the  side  of  the  room. 

Every  thing  in  this  world,  said  my  father, 
is  big  with  jest, — and  has  wit  in  it,  and 
instruction  too, — if  we  can  but  find  it  out. 

— Here  is   the  scaffold  work  of  Instruo 

95 


( 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

tion,  its  true  point  of  folly,  without  the 
building  behind  it. 

— Here  is  the  glass  for  pedagogues,  pre- 
ceptors, tutors,  governors,  gerund-grinders, 
and  bear-leaders  to  view  themselves  in,  in 
their  true  dimensions. — 

Oh!  there  is  a  husk  and  shell,  Yorick, 
which  grows  up  with  learning,  which  their 
unskilfulness  knows  not  how  to  fling  away! 

— Sciences  may  be  learned  by  rote, 
but  Wisdom  not. 

Yorick  thought  my  father  inspired. — I 
will  enter  into  obligations  this  moment,  said 
my  father,  to  lay  out  all  my  aunt  Dinah's 
legacy,  in  charitable  uses  (of  which,  by  the 
bye,  my  father  had  no  high  opinion),  if  the 
corporal  has  any  one  determinate  idea  an- 
nexed to  any  one  word  he  has  repeated. — 
Prythee,  Trim,  quoth  my  father,  turning 
round  to  him, — What  dost  thou  mean,  by 
' '  honouring  thy  father  and  mother  ?  ' ' 

Allowing  them,  an'  please  your  honour, 
three  half-pence  a  day  out  of  my  pay,  when 
they  grow  old. — And  didst  thou  do  that, 
Trim  ?  said  Yorick. — He  did  indeed,  re- 
plied my  uncle  Toby. — Then,  said  Trim, 
Yorick,  springing  out  of  his  chair,  and  tak- 

96 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

ing  the  corporal  by  the  hand,  thou  art  the 
best  commentator  upon  that  part  of  the 
Decalogue ;  and  I  honour  thee  more  for  it, 
corporal  Trim,  than  if  thou  hadst  had  a 
hand  in  the  Talmud  itself. 


CHAPTER   XXXIII. 

O  BLESSED    health!    cried   my   father, 
making  an  exclamation,  as  he  turned  . 
over  the  leaves  to  the   next   chapter,  ) 
thou   art   above   all   gold   and   treasure:    'tis  J 
thou   who   enlargest   the   soul, — and   openest  \ 
all  its  powers  to  receive  instructions  and  to  j 
relish    virtue. — He    that   has  thee,  has   little 
more     to     wish    for; — and     he     that    is    so 
wretched    as    to    want    thee, — wants    every 
thing  with  thee. 

I  have  concentrated  all  that   can   be  said 

upon  this  important   head,    said   my   father, 

into  a  very  little  room,  therefore  we'll  read 

the  chapter  quite  through. 

My  father  read  as  follows: 

'  The   whole   secret   of   health   depending 

97 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

upon  the  due  contention  for  mastery  betwixt 
the  radical  heat  and  the  radical  moisture  " — 
You  have  proved  that  matter  of  fact,  I  sup- 
pose, above,  said  Yorick.  Sufficiently,  re- 
plied my  father. 

In  saying  this,  my  father  shut  the  book, 
— not  as  if  he  resolved  to  read  no  more  of 
it,  for  he  kept  his  fore-finger  in  the  chapter : 

nor    pettishly, — for   he    shut    the    book 

slowly  ;  his  thumb  resting,  when  he  had 
done  it,  upon  the  upper-side  of  the  cover, 
as  his  three  fingers  supported  the  lower 
side  of  it,  without  the  least  compressive 
violence. 

I  have  demonstrated  the  truth  of  that 
point,  quoth  my  father,  nodding  to  Yorick, 
most  sufficiently  in  the  preceding  chapter. 

Now  could  the  man  in  the  moon  be  told, 
that  a  man  in  the  earth  had  wrote  a  chapter, 
sufficiently  demonstrating,  That  the  secret  of 
all  health  depended  upon  the  due  contention 
for  mastery  betwixt  the  radical  heat  and  the 
radical  moisture, — and  that  he  had  managed 
the  point  so  well,  that  there  was  not  one 
single  word  wet  or  dry  upon  radical  heat  or 
radical  moisture,  throughout  the  whole  chap- 
ter,— or  a  single  syllable  in  it,  pro  or   con, 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

directly   or  indirectly,    upon  the    contention 
betwixt  these  two  powers  in  any  part  of  the 

animal  ceconomy. 

"O  thou  eternal  Maker  of  all  beings  !" — 
he  would  cry,  striking  his  breast  with  his 
right  hand  (in  case  he  had  one) — "Thou 
whose  power  and  goodness  can  enlarge  the 
faculties  of  thy  creatures  to  this  infinite  de- 
gree of  excellence  and  perfection, — What 
have  we  Moonites  done  ?" 


CHAPTER  XXXIV. 

WITH  two  strokes,   the  one  at  Hippo- 
crates, the  other  at  Lord   Verulam, 
did  my  father  achieve  it. 
The   stroke   at   the    prince   of    physicians, 
with  which  he  began,   was  no  more  than  a 
short  insult  upon  his  sorrowful  complaint  of 

the    Ars    longa, — and    Vita   brevis. Life 

short,  cried  my  father, — and  the  art  of 
healing  tedious!  And  who  are  we  to  thank 
for  both  the  one  and  the  other,  but  the 
ignorance    of   quacks    themselves,  —  and    the 

99 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

stage- loads  of  chymical  nostrums,  and  peri- 
patetic lumber,  with  which,  in  all  ages, 
they  have  first  flatter' d  the  world,  and  at 
last  deceived  it? 

O  my  lord  Verulam!  cried  my  father, 

turning  from  Hippocrates,  and  making  his 
second  stroke  at  him,  as  the  principal  of 
nostrum -mongers,     and    the    fittest    to    be 

made  an  example  of  to  the  rest, What 

shall  I  say  to  thee,  my  great  lord  Verulam? 
What   shall    I    say  to  thy  internal  spirit, — 

thy   opium,  —  thy   salt-petre, thy  greasy 

unctions,  —  thy  daily  purges,  —  thy  nightly 
clysters,  and  succedaneums  ? 

My  father  was  never  at  a  loss  what 

to  say  to  any  man,  upon  any  subject;  and 
had  the  least  occasion  for  the  exordium  of 
any  man  breathing:   how  he  dealt  with  his 

lordship's  opinion, you  shall  see; but 

when — I    know   not: we   must  first  see 

what  his  lordship's  opinion  was. 


100 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER   XXXV. 

THE  two  great  causes,  which  conspire 
with  each  other  to  shorten  life,  says 
lord   Verulamy  are  first 

"The  internal  spirit,  which,  like  a  gentle 
flame,  wastes  the  body  down  to  death: — 
And  secondly,  the  external  air,  that  parches 
the  body  up  to  ashes: — which  two  enemies 
attacking  us  on  both  sides  of  our  bodies 
together,  at  length  destroy  our  organs,  and 
render  them  unfit  to  carry  on  the  functions 
of  life." 

This  being  the  state  of  the  case,  the  road 
to  Longevity  was  plain ;  nothing  more  being 
required,  says  his  lordship,  but  to  repair  the 
waste  committed  by  the  internal  spirit,  by 
making  the  substance  of  it  more  thick  and 
dense,  by  a  regular  course  of  opiates  on  one 
side,  and  by  refrigerating  the  heat  of  it  on 
the  other,  by  three  grains  and  a  half  of 
salt-petre  every  morning  before  you  got 
up. 

Still  this   frame  of  ours   was  left  exposed 

101 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

to  the  inimical  assaults  of  the  air  without; 
— but  this  was  fenced  off  again  by  a  course 
of  greasy  unctions,  which  so  fully  saturated 
the  pores  of  the  skin,  that  no  spicula  could 

enter; nor    could    any  one    get   out. 

This  put  a  stop  to  all  perspiration,  sensible 
and  insensible,  which  being  the  cause  of  so 
many  scurvy  distempers — a  course  of  clys- 
ters was  requisite  to  carry  off  redundant 
humours,  —  and  render  the  system  com- 
plete. 

What  my  father  had  to  say  to  my  lord  of 
Verulam's  opiates,  his  salt-petre,  and  greasy 
unctions  and  clysters,  you  shall  read,  —  but 
not  to-day — or  to-morrow:  time  presses  upon 
me,  —  my  reader  is  impatient — I  must  get 
forwards.  —  You  shall  read  the  chapter  at 
your  leisure  (if  you  chuse  it),  as  soon  as 
ever  the   Tristra-pcedia  is  published. 

Sufficeth  it  at  present,  to  say,  my  father 
levelled  the  hypothesis  with  the  ground,  and 
in  doing  that,  the  learned  know,  he  built  up 
and  established  his  own. 


lot 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDl 


CHAPTER   XXXVI. 

THE  whole  secret  of  health,  said  my 
father,  beginning  the  sentence  again, 
depending  evidently  upon  the  due 
contention  betwixt  the  radical  heat  and  rad- 
ical moisture  within  us; — the  least  imagina- 
ble skill  had  been  sufficient  to  have  main- 
tained it,  had  not  the  schoolmen  confounded 
the  talk,  merely  (as  Van  Helmont,  the  fa- 
mous chymist,  has  proved)  by  all  along  mis- 
taking the  radical  moisture  for  the  tallow 
and  fat  of  animal  bodies. 

Now  the  radical  moisture  is  not  the  tal- 
low or  fat  of  animals,  but  an  oily  and  bal- 
samous  substance;  for  the  fat  and  tallow,  as 
also  the  phlegm  or  watery  parts,  are  cold; 
whereas  the  oily  and  balsamous  parts  are  of 
a  lively  heat  and  spirit,  which  accounts  for 
the  observation  of  Aristotle,  "Quod  omne 
animal  post  coitum  est  triste. ' ' 

Now  it  is  certain,  that  the  radical  heat 
lives  in  the  radical  moisture,  but  whether 
vice  versa,  is   a   doubt:    however,  when  the 

103 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

one  decays,  the  other  decays  also;  and  then 
is  produced,  either  an  unnatural  heat,  which 
causes  an  unnatural  dryness or  an  un- 
natural moisture,  which  causes  dropsies. 

So  that  if  a  child,  as  he  grows  up,  can  but 
be  taught  to  avoid  running  into  fire  or 
water,  as  either  of  'em  threaten  his  destruc- 
tion,  'twill   be  all  that  is  needful  to  be 

done  upon  that  head. 


CHAPTER   XXXVII. 

THE  description  of  the  siege  of  Jericho 
itself,  could  not  have  engaged  the 
attention  of  my  uncle  Toby  more 
powerfully  than  the  last  chapter; — his  eyes 
were  fixed  upon  my  father,  throughout  it; — 
he  never  mentioned  radical  heat  and  radical 
moisture,  but  my  uncle  Toby  took  his  pipe 
out  of  his  mouth,  and  shook  his  head;  and 
as  soon  as  the  chapter  was  finished,  he 
beckoned  to  the  corporal  to  come  close  to 
his  chair,  to  ask  him  the  following  ques- 
tion,— aside. *         *         *        *        *        * 

#         #         #        #         #         ###>jt 

104 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

was  at  the  siege  of  Limerick,  an'  please 
your  honour,  replied  the  corporal,  making  a 
bow. 

The  poor  fellow  and  I,  quoth  my  uncle 
Toby,  addressing  himself  to  my  father,  were 
scarce  able  to  crawl  out  of  our  tents,  at  the 
time  the  siege  of  Limerick  was  raised,  upon 

the    very    account    you    mention. Now 

what  can  have  got  into  that  precious  nod- 
dle of  thine,  my  dear  brother  Toby  ?  cried 
my  father,  mentally. By  Heaven !  con- 
tinued he,  communing  still  with  himself,  it 
would  puzzle  an  CEdipus  to  bring  it  in 
point. 

I  believe,  an'  please  your  honour,  quoth 
the  corporal,  that  if  it  had  not  been  for 
the  quantity  of  brandy  we  set  fire  to  every 
night,  and  the  claret  and  cinnamon  with 
which  I  plyed  your  honour  off; — And  the 
geneva,  Trim,  added  my  uncle  Toby,  which 
did  us  more  good  than  all 1  verily  be- 
lieve, continued  the  corporal,  we  had  both, 
an'  please  your  honour,  left  our  lives  in  the 

trenches,  and   been  buried  in  them  too. 

The  noblest  grave,  corporal!  cried  my  uncle 
Toby,  his  eyes  sparkling  as  he  spoke,  that  a 
soldier  could  wish  to  lie  down  in. But  a 

105 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

pitiful  death  for  him!  an'  please  your  hon- 
our, replied  the  corporal. 

All  this  was  as  much  Arabick  to  my 
father,  as  the  rites  of  the  Colchi  and  Trog- 
lodites  had  been  before  to  my  uncle  Toby; 
my  father  could  not  determine  whether  he 
was  to  frown  or  to  smile. 

My  uncle  Toby,  turning  to  Yorick,  re- 
sumed the  case  at  Limerick,  more  intelli- 
gibly than  he  had  begun  it, — and  so  settled 
the  point  for  my  father  at  once. 


CHAPTER    XXXVIII. 

IT  was  undoubtedly,  said  my  uncle  Toby, 
a  great  happiness  for  myself  and  the 
corporal,  that  we  had  all  along  a  burn- 
ing fever,  attended  with  a  most  raging 
thirst,  during  the  whole  five-and-twenty 
days  the  flux  was  upon  us  in  the  camp; 
otherwise  what  my  brother  calls  the  radical 
moisture,  must,  as  I  conceive   it,  inevitably 

have   got   the  better. My  father  drew  in 

his   lungs    top-full   of  air,   and    looking    up, 

106 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

blew  it  forth  again,  as  slowly  as  he  possibly 

could. 

It  was  Heaven's  mercy  to  us,  con- 


tinued my  uncle  Toby,  which  put  it  into 
the  corporal's  head  to  maintain  that  due 
contention  betwixt  the  radical  heat  and  the 
radical  moisture,  by  reinforcing  the  fever,  as 
he  did  all  along,  with  hot  wine  and  spices; 
whereby  the  corporal  kept  up  (as  it  were)  a 
continual  firing,  so  that  the  radical  heat 
stood  its  ground  from  the  beginning  to  the 
end,  and  was  a  fair  match  for  the  moisture, 

terrible    as    it    was. Upon    my    honour, 

added  my  uncle  Toby,  you  might  have 
heard  the  contention  within  our  bodies, 
brother  Shandy,  twenty  toises.  —  If  there 
was  no  firing,  said  Yorick. 

Well — said  my  father,  with  a  full  aspira- 
tion,  and    pausing   a   while    after    the   word 

Was   I   a  judge,    and   the  laws   of  the 

country  which  made  me  one  permitted  it,  I 
would  condemn  some  of  the  worst  malefac- 
tors, provided  they  had  had  their  clergy 
Yorick  foreseeing  the  sen- 
tence was  likely  to  end  with  no  sort  of 
mercy,  laid  his  hand  upon  my  father's 
breast,   and   begged   he  would  respite  it  for 

iot  " 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

a  few  minutes,  till  he  asked  the  corporal  a 

question. Prithee,     Trim,    said     Yorick, 

without  staying  for  my  father's  leave, — tell 
us  honestly — what  is  thy  opinion  concern- 
ing this  self-same  radical  heat  and  radical 
moisture  ? 

With  humble  submission  to  his  honour's 
better  judgment,  quoth  the  corporal,  mak- 
ing a  bow  to  my  uncle  Toby — Speak  thy 
opinion  freely,  corporal,  said  my  uncle  Toby. 
— The  poor  fellow  is  my  servant, — not  my 
slave,  —  added  my  uncle  Toby,  turning  to 
my  father. 

The  corporal  put  his  hat  under  his  left 
arm,  and  with  his  stick  hanging  upon  the 
wrist  of  it,  by  a  black  thong  split  into  a 
tassel  about  the  knot,  he  marched  up  to 
the  ground  where  he  had  performed  his 
catechism ;  then  touching  his  under-jaw 
with  the  thumb  and  fingers  of  his  right- 
hand    before   he   opened   his   mouth, he 

delivered  his  notion  thus. 


168 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER   XXXIX. 

JUST  as  the  corporal  was  humming,  to 
begin — in  waddled  Dr  Slop. — 'Tis  not 
two-pence  matter — the  corporal  shall  go 
on  in  the  next  chapter,  let  who  will  come 
in. 

Well,  my  good  doctor,  cried  my  father 
sportively,  for  the  transitions  of  his  passions 
were  unaccountably  sudden, — and  what  has 
this  whelp  of  mine  to  say  to  the  mat- 
ter?  

Had  my  father  been  asking  after  the  am- 
putation of  the  tail  of  a  puppy-dog  —  he 
could  not  have  done  it  in  a  more  careless 
air:  the  system  which  Dr  Slop  had  laid 
down,  to  treat  the  accident  by,  no  way 
allowed  of  such  a  mode  of  enquiry. — He 
sat  down. 

Pray,  Sir,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby,  in  a 
manner  which  could  not  go  unanswered, — 
in  what  condition  is  the  boy? — 'Twill  end 
in  a  phimosis,  replied   Dr  Slop. 

I   am   no   wiser   than    I    was,    quoth    my 

109 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

uncle    Toby,  —  returning   his   pipe    into   his 

mouth. Then    let    the    corporal    go    on, 

said  my  father,  with  his  medical  lecture. — 
The  corporal  made  a  bow  to  his  old  friend, 
Dr  Slop,  and  then  delivered  his  opinion  con- 
cerning radical  heat  and  radical  moisture,  in 
the  following  words. 


CHAPTER   XL. 

THE  city  of  Limerick,  the  siege  of 
which  was  begun  under  his  majesty 
king  JVilliam  himself,  the  year  after 
I  went  into  the  army — lies,  an'  please  your 
honours,  in  the  middle  of  a  devilish  wet, 
swampy  country.  —  'Tis  quite  surrounded, 
said  my  uncle  Toby,  with  the  Shannon,  and 
is,    by    its    situation,    one    of   the    strongest 

fortified  places  in  Ireland. 

I  think  this  is  a  new  fashion,  quoth  Dr 
Slop,  of  beginning  a  medical  lecture. — 'Tis 
all  true,  answered  Trim. — Then  I  wish  the 
faculty  would  follow  the  cut  of  it,  said 
Yorick. — 'Tis    all    cut    through,    an'    please 

no 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

your  reverence,  said  the  corporal,  with 
drains  and  bogs;  and  besides,  there  was 
such  a  quantity  of  rain  fell  during  the 
siege,  the  whole  country  was  like  a  pud- 
dle,— 'twas  that,  and  nothing  else,  which 
brought  on  the  flux,  and  which  had  like  to 
have  killed  both  his  honour  and  myself; 
now  there  was  no  such  thing,  after  the 
first  ten  days,  continued  the  corporal,  for  a 
soldier  to  lie  dry  in  his  tent,  without  cutting 
a  ditch  round  it,  to  draw  off  the  water; — 
nor  was  that  enough,  for  those  who  could 
afford  it,  as  his  honour  could,  without  set- 
ting fire  every  night  to  a  pewter  dish  full 
of  brandy,  which  took  off  the  damp  of  the 
air,  and  made  the  inside  of  the  tent  as 
warm  as  a  stove. 

And  what  conclusion  dost  thou  draw, 
corporal  Trim,  cried  my  father,  from  all 
these  premises  ? 

I  infer,  an'  please  your  worship,  replied 
Trim,  that  the  radical  moisture  is  nothing 
in  the  world  but  ditch-water — and  that  the 
radical  heat,  of  those  who  can  go  to  the 
expence  of  it,  is  burnt  brandy — the  radical 
heat  and  moisture  of  a  private  man,  an' 
please    your    honour,   is    nothing   but   ditch- 

111 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

water — and   a  dram   of  geneva and   give 

us  but  enough  of  it,  with  a  pipe  of  tobacco, 
to  give  us  spirits,  and  drive  away  the 
vapours — we  know  not  what  it  is  to  fear 
death. 

I  am  at  a  loss,  Captain  Shandy,  quoth 
Dr  Slop,  to  determine  in  which  branch 
of  learning  your  servant  shines  most, 
whether  in  physiology,  or  divinity.  —  Slop 
had  not  forgot  Trim's  comment  upon  the 
sermon. — 

It  is  but  an  hour  ago,  replied  Yorick, 
since  the  corporal  was  examined  in  the 
latter,  and  pass'd  muster  with  great  hon- 
our.  

The  radical  heat  and  moisture,  quoth  Dr 
Slop,  turning  to  my  father,  you  must  know, 
is  the  basis  and  foundation  of  our  being, — 
as  the  root  of  a  tree  is  the  source  and  prin- 
ciple of  its  vegetation. — It  is  inherent  in  the 
seeds  of  all  animals,  and  may  be  preserved 
sundry  ways,  but  principally  in  my  opinion 
by    consubstantials,    impriments,    and    occlu- 

dents. Now   this    poor    fellow,    continued 

Dr  Slop,  pointing  to  the  corporal,  has  had 
the  misfortune  to  have  heard  some  super- 
ficial empiric  discourse  upon  this  nice  point. 

112 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

■ That  he  has, — said  my  father. Very 

likely,    said    my    uncle. — I'm    sure    of   it — 
quoth   Yorick. 


CHAPTER   XLI. 

DOCTOR  Slop  being  called  out  to  look 
at  a  cataplasm  he  had  ordered,  it  gave 
my  father  an  opportunity  of  going  on 
with  another  chapter  in   the    Tiistra-pcedia. 

Come!    cheer   up,    my   lads;    I'll    shew 

you   land for   when   we   have   tugged 

through  that  chapter,  the  book  shall  not  be 
opened  again  this  twelvemonth. — Huzza! — 


CHAPTER   XLII. 

kIVE    years    with    a    bib    under    his 

chin ; 

Four  years  in  travelling  from  Christ- 
cross-row  to  Malachi; 

A  year  and  a  half  in  learning  to  write  his 
own  name; 

113 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

Seven  long  years  and  more  Twrw-ing  it,  at 
Greek  and  Latin; 

Four  years  at  his  probations  and  his  nega- 
tions— the  fine  statue  still  lying  in  the  mid- 
dle of  the  marble  block, — and  nothing  done, 
but  his  tools  sharpened  to  hew  it  out! — 'Tis 
a  piteous  delay! — Was  not  the  great  Julius 
Scaliger  within  an  ace  of  never  getting  his 

tools  sharpened  at  all? Forty- four  years 

old  was  he  before  he  could  manage  his  Greek ; 
— and  Peter  Damianus,  lord  bishop  of  Ostia, 
as  all  the  world  knows,  could  not  so  much 
as  read,  when  he  was  of  man's  estate. — And 
Baldus  himself,  as  eminent  as  he  turned  out 
after,  entered  upon  the  law  so  late  in  life, 
that  every  body  imagined  he  intended  to 
be  an  advocate  in  the  other  world:  no  won- 
der, when  Eudamidas,  the  son  of  Archi- 
damas,  heard  Xenocrates  at  seventy-five  dis- 
puting about  wisdom,  that  he  asked  gravely, 
— If  the  old  man  be  yet  disputing  and  en- 
quiring concerning  wisdom, — what  time  will 
he  have  to  make  use  of  it  ? 

Yorick  listened  to  my  father  with  great 
attention;  there  was  a  seasoning  of  wisdom 
unaccountably  mixed  up  with  his  strangest 
whims,  and  he  had  sometimes  such  illumina- 

114 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

tions  in  the  darkest  of  his  eclipses,  as  almost 
atoned  for  them: — be  wary,  Sir,  when  you 
imitate  him. 

I  am  convinced,  Yorick,  continued  my 
father,  half  reading  and  half  discoursing, 
that  there  is  a  Northwest  passage  to  the 
intellectual  world ;  and  that  the  soul  of  man 
has  shorter  ways  of  going  to  work,  in  fur- 
nishing itself  with  knowledge  and  instruc- 
tion,  than   we    generally  take  with  it. 

But  alack!  all  fields  have  not  a  river  or  a 
spring  running  besides  them; — every  child, 
Yorick,  has  not  a  parent  to  point  it  out. 

The   whole    entirely    depends,    added 

my  father,  in  a  low  voice,  upon  the  auodli- 
ary  verbs,  Mr  Yorick. 

Had  Yorick  trod  upon  VirgiVs  snake,  he 
could  not  have  looked  more  surprised. — I 
am  surprised  too,  cried  my  father,  observing 
it, — and  I  reckon  it  as  one  of  the  greatest 
calamities  which  ever  befel  the  republic  of 
letters,  That  those  who  have  been  entrusted 
with  the  education  of  our  children,  and 
whose  business  it  was  to  open  their  minds, 
and  stock  them  early  with  ideas,  in  order  to 
set  the  imagination  loose  upon  them,  have 
made  so  little  use  of  the  auxiliary  verbs  in 

115 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

doing  it,  as  they  have  done So  that,  ex- 
cept Raymond  Lullius,  and  the  elder  Pele- 
grini,  the  last  of  which  arrived  to  such 
perfection  in  the  use  of  'em,  with  his  topics, 
that  in  a  few  lessons,  he  could  teach  a 
young  gentleman  to  discourse  with  plausi- 
bility upon  any  subject,  pro  and  con,  and 
to  say  and  write  all  that  could  be  spoken 
or  written  concerning  it,  without  blotting  a 
word,  to  the  admiration  of  all  who  beheld 
him. — I  should  be  glad,  said  Yorick,  inter- 
rupting my  father,  to  be  made  to  compre- 
hend this  matter.  You  shall,  said  my 
father. 

The  highest  stretch  of  improvement  a 
single  word  is  capable  of,  is  a  high  meta- 
phor,  for  which,  in  my  opinion,  the  idea 

is  generally  the  worse,  and  not  the  better; 

but  be  that  as  it  may, — when  the  mind 

has  done  that  with  it — there  is  an  end, — the 
mind  and  the  idea  are  at  rest, — until  a  sec- 
ond idea  enters; and  so  on. 

Now  the  use  of  the  Auociliaries  is,  at  once 
to  set  the  soul  a-going  by  herself  upon  the 
materials  as  they  are  brought  her;  and  by 
the  versability  of  this  great  engine,  round 
which  they  are  twisted,  to  open  new  tracts 

116 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

of  enquiry,  and  make  every  idea  engender 
millions. 

You  excite  my  curiosity  greatly,  said 
Yorick. 

For  my  own  part,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby, 

I    have    given    it   up. The    Danes,    an' 

please  your  honour,  quoth  the  corporal,  who 
were  on  the  left  at  the  siege  of  Limerick, 

were  all  auxiliaries. And  very  good  ones, 

said  my  uncle  Toby. — But  the  auxiliaries, 
Trim,  my  brother  is  talking  about, — I  con- 
ceive to  be  different  things. 

You  do?  said  my  father,  rising  up. 


CHAPTER   XLIII. 

MY  father  took  a  single  turn  across  the 
room,  then  sat  down  and  finished 
the  chapter. 
The  verbs  auxiliary  we  are  concerned  in 
here,  continued  my  father,  are,  am;  was; 
have;  had;  do;  did;  make;  made;  suffer; 
shall;  should;  will;  would;  can;  could;  owe; 
ought;  used;  or  is  wont. — And  these  varied 

117 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

with  tenses,  present,  past,  future,  and  con* 
jugated  with  the  verb  see, — or  with  these 
questions  added  to  them; — Is  it?  Was  it? 
Will  it  be?  Would  it  be?  May  it  bet 
Might  it  be  ?  And  these  again  put  nega- 
tively, Is  it  not  ?  Was  it  not  ?  Ought  it 
not? — Or  affirmatively, — It  is;  It  was;  It 
ought  to  be.  Or  chronologically,  —  Has  it 
been  always  ?  Lately  ?  How  long  ago  ? — 
Or  hypothetically, — If  it  was;     If  it  was 

not?   What  would  follow? If  the  French 

should  beat  the  English?  If  the  Sun  go 
out  of  the  Zodiac? 

Now,  by  the  right  use  and  application 
of  these,  continued  my  father,  in  which  a 
child's  memory  should  be  exercised,  there  is 
no  one  idea  can  enter  his  brain,  how  barren 
soever,   but   a   magazine  of  conceptions  and 

conclusions  may  be  drawn  forth  from  it. 

Didst  thou  ever  see  a  white  bear?  cried  my 
father,  turning  his  head  round  to  Trim,  who 
stood    at   the    back   of    his    chair: — No,  an' 

please  your  honour,  replied  the  corporal. 

But  thou  couldst  discourse  about  one,  Trim, 

said  my  father,  in  case  of  need? How  is 

it  possible,  brother,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby, 
if  the  corporal  never  saw  one? 'Tis  the 

118 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

fact   I   want;   replied   my   father, — and   the 
possibility  of  it  is  as  follows. 

A  white  bear  !  Very  well.  Have  I 
ever  seen  one  ?  Might  I  ever  have  seen 
one  ?  Am  I  ever  to  see  one  ?  Ought  I 
ever  to  have  seen  one  ?  Or  can  I  ever  see 
one? 

Would  I  had  seen  a  white  bear!  (for  how 
can  I  imagine  it?) 

If  I  should  see  a  white  bear,  what  should 
I  say?  If  I  should  never  see  a  white  bear, 
what  then? 

If  I  never  have,  can,  must,  or  shall  see 
a  white  bear  alive;  have  I  ever  seen  the 
skin  of  one  ?  Did  I  ever  see  one  painted  ? 
— described  ?  Have  I  never  dreamed  of 
one  ? 

Did  my  father,  mother,  uncle,  aunt, 
brothers  or  sisters,  ever  see  a  white  bear  ? 
What  would  they  give  ?  How  would  they 
behave  ?  How  would  the  white  bear  have 
behaved  ?  Is  he  wild  ?  Tame  ?  Terrible  ? 
Rough  ?     Smooth  ? 

— Is  the  white  bear  worth  seeing? — 

— Is  there  no  sin  in  it? — 

Is  it  better  than  a  black  one? 


119 


THE 

LIFE    AND    OPINIONS 

OF 

TRISTRAM   SHANDY,  Gent. 

BOOK  VI. 

CHAPTER    I. 

\\  TE'LL    not    stop    two    moments, 

V  V     my  dear  Sir, — only,  as  we  have 
got  through  these  five  volumes,* 
(do,  Sir,  sit  down  upon  a  set they  are  bet- 
ter than  nothing)  let  us  just  look  back  upon 

the  country  we  have  passed  through. 

What  a  wilderness   has   it  been!    and 


what  a  mercy  that  we  have  not  both  of  us 
been  lost,  or  devoured  by  wild  beasts  in  it! 

Did   you  think  the  world   itself,  Sir,  had 
contained    such   a   number   of   Jack  Asses? 

How    they   view'd   and  review'd  us  as 

we  passed  over  the   rivulet  at  the  bottom 

of    that    little    valley ! and    when    we 

climbed   over  that  hill,  and   were  just  get- 

*  In    the    first    edition,   the    sixth    volume   began   with   this 
chapter. 

121 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

ting  out  of  sight — good  God!  what  a  bray- 
ing did  they  all  set  up  together! 

Prithee,    shepherd  !     who    keeps    all 

those  Jack  Asses  ?  #  *  # 

Heaven  be  their  comforter What! 

are  they  never  curried  ? Are  they  never 

taken   in   in   winter? Bray,   bray — bray. 

Bray  on, — the  world  is  deeply  your  debtor; 

louder  still  —  that's  nothing;  —  in  good 

sooth,   you  are  ill-used: Was   I   a  Jack 

Asse,  I  solemnly  declare,  I  would  bray  in 
G-fol-re-ut  from  morning,  even  unto  night. 


CHAPTER    II. 

WHEN  my  father  had  danced  his  white 
bear  backwards  and  forwards  through 
half  a  dozen  pages,  he  closed  the  book 
for  good  an'  all, — and  in  a  kind  of  triumph 
redelivered   it  into  Trim's  hand,  with  a  nod 
to  lay  it  upon  the  'scrutoire,  where  he  found 

it. Tristram,  said   he,   shall   be   made   to 

conjugate    every    word    in    the    dictionary, 

backwards  and  forwards  the  same  way; 

every  word,  Yorick,  by  this  means,  you  see, 
is  converted  into  a  thesis  or  an  hypothesis; 

122 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

— every  thesis  and  hypothesis  have  an  off- 
spring of  propositions; — and  each  proposition 
has  its  own  consequences  and  conclusions; 
every  one  of  which  leads  the  mind  on  again, 
into    fresh    tracks    of    enquiries    and    doubt- 

ings. The  force  of  this  engine,  added  my 

father,    is    incredible,    in    opening    a    child's 

head. 'Tis  enough,  brother  Shandy,  cried 

my  uncle   Toby,  to  burst  it  into  a  thousand 

splinters. 

I  presume,  said  Yorick,  smiling, — it  must 

be    owing  to  this, (for   let   logicians   say 

what  they  will,  it  is  not  to  be  accounted 
for  sufficiently  from  the  bare  use  of  the  ten 

predicaments) That  the  famous    Vincent 

Quirino,  amongst  the  many  other  astonish- 
ing feats  of  his  childhood,  of  which  the 
Cardinal  Bembo  has  given  the  world  so  ex- 
act a  story, — should  be  able  to  paste  up  in 
the  public  schools  at  Rome,  so  early  as  in 
the  eighth  year  of  his  age,  no  less  than  four 
thousand  five  hundred  and  fifty  different 
theses,  upon  the  most  abstruse  points  of  the 
most  abstruse  theology; — and  to  defend  and 
maintain    them    in    such    sort,   as    to    cramp 

and  dumbfound  his   opponents. What   is 

that,    cried   my   father,    to   what   is   told   us 

123 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

of  Alphonsus  Tostatus,  who,  almost  in  his 
nurse's  arms,  learned  all  the  sciences  and 
liberal   arts   without    being    taught   any   one 

of    them  ? What    shall   we   say   of    the 

great  Piereskius? —  That's  the  very  man, 
cried  my  uncle  Toby,  I  once  told  you  of, 
brother  Shandy,  who  walked  a  matter  of 
five  hundred  miles,  reckoning  from  Paris 
to  Shevling,   and  from  Shevling  back  again, 

merely  to  see  Stevinus's  flying  chariot. 

He  was  a  very  great  man !  added  my  uncle 
Toby  (meaning  Stevinus) — He  was  so,  brother 
Toby,   said   my  father   (meaning   Piereskius) 

and  had  multiplied  his  ideas  so  fast,  and 

increased  his  knowledge  to  such  a  prodigious 
stock,  that,  if  we  may  give  credit  to  an 
anecdote  concerning  him,  which  we  cannot 
withhold  here,  without  shaking  the  authority 
of  all  anecdotes  whatever  —  at  seven  years 
of  age,  his  father  committed  entirely  to  his 
care  the  education  of  his  younger  brother, 
a  boy  of  five  years  old, — with  the  sole  man- 
agement of  all  his  concerns. — Was  the  father 
as  wise  as  the  son  ?  quoth  my  uncle  Toby: 
— I  should  think  not,  said  Yorick : — But 
what  are  these,  continued  my  father — 
(breaking    out   in   a  kind    of    enthusiasm) — 

124 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

what  are  these,  to  those  prodigies  of  child- 
hood in  Grotius,  Scioppius,  Heinsius,  Pol- 
itian,  Pascal,  Joseph  Scaliger,  Ferdinand 
de  Cordoue,  and  others — some  of  which 
left  off  their  substantial  forms  at  nine  years 
old,  or  sooner,  and  went  on  reasoning 
without  them; — others  went  through  then- 
classics  at  seven; — wrote  tragedies  at  eight; 
Ferdinand  de  Cordoue  was  so  wise  at  nine, 
— 'twas  thought  the  Devil  was  in  him; — 
and  at  Venice  gave  such  proofs  of  his 
knowledge   and    goodness,    that   the    monks 

imagined  he  was  Antichrist,  or  nothing. 

Others  were  masters  of  fourteen  languages 
at  ten, — finished  the  course  of  their  rhetoric, 
poetry,  logic,  and  ethics,  at  eleven, — put 
forth  their  commentaries  upon  Servius  and 
Martianus  Capella  at  twelve, — and  at  thir- 
teen   received    their    degrees   in   philosophy, 

laws,    and    divinity: But    you  forget   the 

great  Lipsius,  quoth  Yorick,  who  composed 
a  work*  the  day  he  was  born : — They  should 

*  Nous  aurions  quelque  interet,  says  Baillet,  de  montrer  qu'il 
n"  a  rien  de  ridicule  s'il  etoit  veritable,  au  moins  dans  le  sens 
enigmatique  que  Nidus  Erythrceus  a  tache  de  lui  donner.  Cet 
auteur  dit  que  pour  coraprendre  comme  Lipse,  il  a  pu  composer 
un  ouvrage  le  premier  jour  de  sa  vie,  il  faut  s'imaginer,  que 
ce  premier  jour  n'est  pas  celui  de  sa  naissance  charnelle,  mais 
celui   au  quel   il  a  commence  d'user  de  la  raison;  il  veut  que 

135 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

have  wiped  it  up,  said  my  uncle   Toby,  and 
said  no  more  about  it. 


CHAPTER  III. 

WHEN  the  cataplasm  was  ready,  a  scru- 
ple of  decorum  had  unseasonably  rose 
up  in  Susannah's  conscience,  about 
holding  the  candle,  whilst  Slop  tied  it  on; 
Slop  had  not  treated  Susannah's  distemper 
with  anodynes, — and  so  a  quarrel  had  ensued 
betwixt  them. 

Oh !   oh ! said  Slop,  casting  a  glance 

of  undue  freedom  in  Susannah's  face,  as  she 

declined  the  office; then,   I  think  I  know 

you,    madam You   know   me,    Sir!    cried 

Susannah  fastidiously,  and  with  a  toss  of 
her  head,  levelled  evidently,  not  at  his  pro- 
fession,   but   at   the    doctor  himself, you 

know  mel  cried  Susannah  again. Doctor 

Slop  clapped  his  finger  and  his  thumb  in- 
stantly    upon     his     nostrils ; Susannah's 


<j'ait   ete   a  l'age  de  neuf  ans;  et  il  nous  veut   persuader  que 

ce    fut    en    cet  age,    que   Lipse  fit   un  po6me. Le  tour  est 

ingenieux,  &c.  &c. 

126 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

spleen    was   ready   to    burst    at    it; 'Tis 

false,  said  Susannah.  —  Come,  come,  Mrs 
Modesty,  said  Slop,  not  a  little  elated  with 

the    success    of    his    last    thrust, If  you 

won't  hold  the  candle,  and  look — you  may 
hold  it  and  shut  your  eyes: — That's  one  of 
your  popish  shifts,  cried  Susannah: — 'Tis 
better,  said  Slop,  with  a  nod,    than  no  shift 

at    all,    young    woman; 1  defy  you,   Sir, 

cried  Susannah,  pulling  her  shift  sleeve  be- 
low her  elbow. 

It  was  almost  impossible  for  two  persons 
to  assist  each  other  in  a  surgical  case  with 
a  more  splenetic  cordiality. 

Slop  snatched  up  the  cataplasm, Su- 
sannah  snatched    up    the   candle; a  little 

this  way,  said  Slop;  Susannah  looking  one 
way,  and  rowing  another,  instantly  set  fire 
to  Slop's  wig,  which  being  somewhat  bushy 
and  unctuous  withal,  was   burnt  out  before 

it    was    well    kindled. You    impudent 

whore!  cried  Slop, — (for  what  is  passion,  but 
a  wild  beast?) — you  impudent  whore,  cried 
Slop,  getting  upright,  with  the  cataplasm  in 

his  hand; 1  never  was  the  destruction  of 

any  body's  nose,  said  Susannah, — which  is 
more  than  you  can  say: Is  it?  cried  Slop, 

127 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

throwing  the  cataplasm  in  her  face; Yes, 

it  is,  cried  Susannah,  returning  the  compli- 
ment with  what  was  left  in  the  pan. 


CHAPTER    IV. 

DOCTOR  Slop  and  Susannah  filed  cross- 
bills against  each  other  in  the  par- 
lour; which  done,  as  the  cataplasm 
had  failed,  they  retired  into  the  kitchen  to 
prepare  a  fomentation  for  me; — and  whilst 
that  was  doing,  my  father  determined  the 
point  as  you  will  read. 


CHAPTER   V. 

YOU  see  'tis  high  time,  said  my  father, 
addressing  himself  equally  to  my  uncle 
Toby  and    Yorick,   to   take  this  young 
creature    out    of  these    women's    hands,  and 
put  him    into   those  of   a   private  governor. 

128 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Marcus  Antoninus  provided  fourteen  gov- 
ernors all  at  once  to  superintend  his  son 
Commodus's  education,  —  and  in  six  weeks 
he  cashiered  five  of  them;  —  I  know  very 
well,  continued  my  father,  that  Commodus's 
mother  was  in  love  with  a  gladiator  at  the 
time  of  her  conception,  which  accounts  for 
a  great  many  of  Commodus's  cruelties  when 
he  became  emperor ;  —  but  still  I  am  of 
opinion,  that  those  five  whom  Antoninus 
dismissed,  did  Commodus's  temper,  in  that 
short  time,  more  hurt  than  the  other  nine 
were  able  to  rectify  all  their  lives  long. 

Now  as  I  consider  the  person  who  is  to 
be  about  my  son,  as  the  mirror  in  which 
he  is  to  view  himself  from  morning  to 
night,  and  by  which  he  is  to  adjust  his 
looks,  his  carriage,  and  perhaps  the  inmost 
sentiments  of  his  heart; — I  would  have  one, 
Yorick,  if  possible,  polished  at  all  points,  fit 

for  my  child  to  look  into. This  is  very 

good  sense,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby  to  him- 
self. 

There  is,  continued  my  father,  a  cer- 
tain mien  and  motion  of  the  body  and  all 
its  parts,  both  in  acting  and  speaking,  which 
argues  a  man  well  within;  and  I  am  not  at 

129 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

all  surprised  that  Gregory  of  Nazianzum, 
upon  observing  the  hasty  and  untoward 
gestures  of  Julian,  should  foretel  he  would 

one  day  become  an  apostate; or  that  St 

Ambrose  should  turn  his  Amanuensis  out  of 
doors,  because  of  an  indecent  motion  of  his 
head,   which    went   backwards    and    forwards 

like   a  flail; or   that   Democritus   should 

conceive  Protagoras  to  be  a  scholar,  from 
seeing  him  bind  up  a  faggot,  and  thrusting, 

as   he   did   it,  the  small  twigs  inwards. 

There  are  a  thousand  unnoticed  openings, 
continued  my  father,  which  let  a  penetrat- 
ing eye  at  once  into  a  man's  soul;  and  I 
maintain  it,  added  he,  that  a  man  of  sense 
does  not  lay  down  his  hat  in  coming  into  a 
room, — or  take  it  up  in  going  out  of  it, 
but  something  escapes,  which  discovers  him. 

It  is  for  these  reasons,  continued  my 
father,  that  the  governor  I  make  choice  of 
shall   neither  *   lisp,   or   squint,  or   wink,  or 

talk    loud,    or   look   fierce,    or   foolish; or 

bite  his  lips,  or  grind  his  teeth,  or  speak 
through  his  nose,  or  pick  it,  or  blow  it 
with  his  fingers. 

He   shall   neither    walk    fast, — or  slow,  or 

*  Vid.   PeUegrina. 
ISO 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

fold  his  arms, — for  that  is  laziness; — or  hang 
them  down, — for  that  is  folly;  or  hide  them 
in  his  pocket,  for  that  is  nonsense. 

He  shall  neither  strike,  or  pinch,  or 
tickle, — or  bite,  or  cut  his  nails,  or  hawk, 
or  spit,    or   snift,   or  drum  with  his   feet  or 

fingers    in    company ; nor    (according    to 

Erasmus)  shall  he  speak  to  any  one  in 
making-  water, — nor  shall  he  point  to  car- 
rion or  excrement. Now  this  is  all  non- 
sense again,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby  to  him- 
self.  

I  will  have  him,  continued  my  father, 
cheerful,  facete,  jovial;  at  the  same  time, 
prudent,  attentive  to  business,  vigilant, 
acute,  argute,  inventive,  quick  in  resolv- 
ing   doubts    and    speculative    questions; 

he  shall  be  wise,  and  judicious,  and  learned: 

And   why   not   humble,    and   moderate, 

and     gentle  -  tempered,      and      good  ?     said 

Yorick: And   why    not,    cried   my   uncle 

Toby,    free,    and    generous,    and    bountiful, 

and    brave  ? He    shall,    my    dear    Toby, 

replied  my   father,   getting    up    and   shaking 
him   by   his    hand. — Then,    brother   Shandy, 
answered  my  uncle   Toby,  raising  himself  off 
the  chair,  and  laying  down  his  pipe  to  take 

131 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

hold  of  my  father's  other  hand, — I  humbly 
beg  I  may  recommend  poor  Le  Fever's  son 

to  you; a  tear  of  joy  of  the  first  water 

sparkled  in  my  uncle  Toby's  eye,  and  an- 
other, the  fellow  to  it,  in  the  corporal's,  as 

the  proposition  was  made; you  will  see 

why  when  you  read  Le  Fever's  story: 

fool  that  I  was!  nor  can  I  recollect,  (nor 
perhaps  you)  without  turning  back  to  the 
place,  what  it  was  that  hindered  me  from 
letting  the  corporal  tell  it  in  his  own 
words; — but  the  occasion  is  lost, — I  must 
tell  it  now  in  my  own. 


CHAPTER   VI. 

THE     STORY    OF    LE     FEVER. 

IT  was  some  time  in  the  summer  of  that 
year  in   which   Dendermond  was    taken 
by  the  allies, — which  was    about   seven 
years  before  my  father  came  into  the  coun- 
try,— and   about    as    many,    after    the    time, 
that  my  uncle  Toby  and  Trim  had  privately 

132 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

decamped  from  my  father's  house  in  town, 
in  order  to  lay  some  of  the  finest  sieges  to 
some  of  the  finest  fortified  cities  in  Europe 

when   my  uncle  Toby  was   one   evening 

getting  his  supper,  with  Trim  sitting  behind 
him  at  a  small  sideboard, — I  say,  sitting — 
for  in  consideration  of  the  corporal's  lame 
knee  (which  sometimes  gave  him  exquisite 
pain) — when  my  uncle  Toby  dined  or  supped 
alone,  he  would  never  suffer  the  corporal  to 
stand;  and  the  poor  fellow's  veneration  for 
his  master  was  such,  that,  with  a  proper 
artillery,  my  uncle  Toby  could  have  taken 
Dendermond  itself,  with  less  trouble  than  he 
was  able  to  gain  this  point  over  him;  for 
many  a  time  when  my  uncle  Toby  supposed 
the  corporal's  leg  was  at  rest,  he  would  look 
back,  and  detect  him  standing  behind  him 
with  the  most  dutiful  respect:  this  bred 
more  little  squabbles  betwixt  them,  than  all 
other  causes  for  five-and-twenty  years  to- 
gether— But  this  is  neither  here  nor  there — 

why  do  I  mention  it? Ask  my  pen, — it 

governs  me, — I  govern  not  it. 

He  was  one  evening  sitting  thus  at  his 
supper,  when  the  landlord  of  a  little  inn  in 
the   village   came  into  the   parlour  with   an 

133 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

empty  phial  in  his  hand,  to  beg  a  glass  or 
two  of  sack;  'Tis  for  a  poor  gentleman, — 
I  think,  of  the  army,  said  the  landlord,  who 
has  been  taken  ill  at  my  house  four  days 
ago,  and  has  never  held  up  his  head  since, 
or  had  a  desire  to  taste  any  thing,  till  just 
now,  that  he  has  a  fancy  for  a  glass  of  sack 

and  a  thin  toast, /  think,  says  he,  taking 

his  hand  from  his  forehead,  it  would  comfort 

me. 

If    I    could   neither   beg,    borrow,    or 


buy  such  a  thing, — added  the  landlord, — I 
would  almost  steal  it  for  the  poor  gentle- 
man, he  is  so  ill. 1  hope  in  God  he  will 

still  mend,  continued  he, — we  are  all  of  us 
concerned  for  him. 

Thou  art  a  good-natured  soul,  I  will  an- 
swer for  thee,  cried  ray  uncle  Toby;  and 
thou  shalt  drink  the  poor  gentleman's  health 
in  a  glass  of  sack  thyself, — and  take  a  couple 
of  bottles  with  my  service,  and  tell  him  he 
is  heartily  welcome  to  them,  and  to  a  dozen 
more  if  they  will  do  him  good. 

Though  I  am  persuaded,  said  my  uncle 
Toby,  as  the  landlord  shut  the  door,  he  is 
a  very  compassionate  fellow — Trim, — yet  I 
cannot  help  entertaining  a  high  opinion  of 

134 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

his  guest  too;  there  must  be  something 
more  than  common  in  him,  that  in  so  short 
a  time  should  win  so  much  upon  the  affec- 
tions   of    his    host; And    of    his    whole 

family,  added  the  corporal,  for  they  are  all 

concerned  for  him. Step   after  him,  said 

my  uncle  Toby, — do,  Trim, — and  ask  if  he 
knows  his  name. 

1  have  quite  forgot  it,  truly,  said  the 

landlord,  coming  back  into  the  parlour  with 
the  corporal, — but  I  can  ask  his  son  again: 

Has  he  a  son  with  him   then?  said  my 

uncle  Toby. — A  boy,  replied  the  landlord, 
of  about  eleven  or  twelve  years  of  age; — 
but  the  poor  creature  has  tasted  almost  as 
little  as  his  father;  he  does  nothing  but 
mourn  and  lament  for  him  night  and  day: 

He   has    not   stirred   from   the   bed-side 

these  two  days. 

My  uncle  Toby  laid  down  his  knife  and 
fork,  and  thrust  his  plate  from  before  him, 
as  the  landlord  gave  him  the  account;  and 
Trim,  without  being  ordered,  took  away, 
without  saying  one  word,  and  in  a  few  min- 
utes after  brought  him  his  pipe  and  tobacco. 

Stay  in   the   room   a    little,    said   my 

uncle  Toby. 

135 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Trim! said    my   uncle    Toby,    after   he 

lighted  his  pipe,  and  smok'd  about  a  dozen 
whiffs. Trim  came  in  front  of  his  mas- 
ter,   and    made   his    bow; — my  uncle    Toby 

smok'd  on,  and  said  no  more. Corporal! 

said  my   uncle    Toby the   corporal  made 

his  bow. My   uncle    Toby  proceeded   no 

farther,   but  finished  his  pipe. 

Trim!  said  my  uncle  Toby,  I  have  a 
project  in  my  head,  as  it  is  a  bad  night, 
of  wrapping  myself  up  warm  in  my  roque- 
laure,     and     paying    a    visit    to    this     poor 

gentleman. Your    honour's     roquelaure, 

replied  the  corporal,  has  not  once  been  had 
on,  since  the  night  before  your  honour 
received  your  wound,  when  we  mounted 
guard  in  the  trenches  before  the  gate  of  St 

Nicholas; and  besides,   it  is  so  cold  and 

rainy  a  night,  that  what  with  the  roque- 
laure, and  what  with  the  weather,  'twill  be 
enough  to  give  your  honour  your  death, 
and  bring  on  your  honour's  torment  in  your 
groin.  I  fear  so,  replied  my  uncle  Toby; 
but  I  am  not  at  rest  in  my  mind,  Trim, 
since    the    account   the    landlord    has    given 

me. 1    wish    I    had   not  known  so  much 

of  this    affair, — added   my   uncle    Toby, — or 

136 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

that    I    had    known    more    of   it: How 

shall  we  manage  it  ?     Leave  it,  an't  please 
your    honour,    to    me,    quoth    the    corporal; 

I'll   take  my  hat  and    stick   and   go   to 

the    house    and  reconnoitre,    and  act  accord- 
ingly;   and  I   will  bring   your  honour  a  full 

account  in  an  hour. Thou  shalt  go,  Trim, 

said    my    uncle    Toby,    and  here's  a  shilling 

for    thee    to    drink    with    his    servant. 1 

shall   get   it  all    out    of  him,    said    the    cor- 
poral, shutting  the  door. 

My  uncle  Toby  filled  his  second  pipe; 
and  had  it  not  been,  that  he  now  and  then 
wandered  from  the  point,  with  considering 
whether  it  was  not  full  as  well  to  have  the 
curtain  of  the  tenaille  a  straight  line,  as  a 
crooked  one, — he  might  be  said  to  have 
thought  of  nothing  else  but  poor  Le  Fever 
and  his  boy  the  whole  time  he  smoked  it. 


187 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER  VII. 

THE   STORY    OF   LE   FEVER.   CONTINUED. 

IT  was  not  till  my  uncle  Toby  had  knocked 
the  ashes  out  of  his  third  pipe,  that  cor- 
poral  Trim  returned  from  the  inn,  and 
gave  him  the  following  account. 

I  despaired,  at  first,  said  the  corporal,  of 
being  able  to  bring  back  your  honour  any 
kind  of  intelligence  concerning  the  poor  sick 
lieutenant — Is   he    in   the   army,    then  ?   said 

my  uncle    Toby He  is,  said  the  corporal 

And  in  what  regiment  ?  said  my  uncle 

Toby I'll  tell   your  honour,    replied  the 

corporal,  every  thing  straight  forwards,  as 
I  learnt  it. — Then,  Trim,  I'll  fill  another 
pipe,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  and  not  inter- 
rupt thee  till  thou  hast  done;  so  sit  down 
at  thy  ease,  Trim,  in  the  window-seat,  and 
begin  thy  story  again.  The  corporal  made 
his  old  bow,  which  generally  spoke  as  plain 
as  a  bow  could  speak — Your  honour  is  good : 
And   having   done  that,    he  sat    down, 

138 


OF   TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

as  he  was  ordered, — and  begun  the  story  to 
my  uncle  Toby  over  again  in  pretty  near 
the  same  words. 

I  despaired  at  first,  said  the  corporal,  of 
being  able  to  bring  back  any  intelligence 
to  your  honour,  about  the  lieutenant  and 
his  son ;  for  when  I  asked  where  his  servant 
was,  from  whom  I  made  myself  sure  of 
knowing  every  thing  which  was  proper  to 
be  asked, — That's  a  right  distinction,  Trim, 
said  my  uncle  Toby — I  was  answered,  an* 
please  your  honour,   that  he  had  no  servant 

with  him; that  he  had  come  to  the  inn 

with  hired  horses,  which,  upon  finding  him- 
self unable  to  proceed  (to  join,  I  suppose, 
the  regiment),  he  had  dismissed  the  morn- 
ing after  he  came.  —  If  I  get  better,  my 
dear,  said  he,  as  he  gave  his  purse  to  his 
son  to  pay  the  man, — we  can  hire  horses 
from  hence. But  alas!  the  poor  gentle- 
man will  never  get  from  hence,  said  the 
landlady  to  me, — for  I  heard  the  death- 
watch  all  night  long ;  — -  and  when  he  dies, 
the  youth,  his  son,  will  certainly  die  with 
him;    for  he  is  broken-hearted  already. 

I  was  hearing  this  account,  continued  the 
corporal,    when    the    youth    came    into    the 

139 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

kitchen,  to  order  the  thin  toast  the  landlord 

spoke  of; but  I  will  do  it  for  my  father 

myself,  said  the  youth. Pray  let  me  save 

you  the  trouble,  young  gentleman,  said  I, 
taking  up  a  fork  for  the  purpose,  and 
offering  him  my  chair  to  sit  down  upon  by 

the  fire,   whilst  I  did  it. 1  believe,   Sir, 

said  he,  very  modestly,  I  can  please  him 
best  myself. 1  am  sure,  said  I,  his  hon- 
our will  not   like   the    toast    the   worse   for 

being    toasted    by    an    old    soldier. The 

youth  took  hold  of  my  hand,  and  instantly 

burst   into    tears. Poor    youth,    said    my 

uncle  Toby,  —  he  has  been  bred  up  from 
an  infant  in  the  army,  and  the  name  of 
a  soldier,  Trim,  sounded  in  his  ears  like 
the  name  of  a  friend ;  —  I  wish  I  had  him 
here. 

1    never,    in    the    longest  march,  said 

the  corporal,  had  so  great  a  mind  to  my 
dinner,  as  I  had  to  cry  with  him  for  com- 
pany:— What  could  be  the  matter  with  me, 
an'  please  your  honour?  Nothing  in  the 
world,  Trim,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  blowing 
his  nose, — but  that  thou  art  a  good-natured 
fellow. 

When    I    gave    him   the   toast,    continued 

140 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

the  corporal,  I  thought  it  was  proper  to 
tell  him  I  was  captain  Shandy's  servant, 
and  that  your  honour  (though  a  stranger) 
was  extremely  concerned  for  his  father; — 
and   that    if   there    was    any  thing   in   your 

house  or  cellar (And  thou  might 'st  have 

added  my  purse  too,   said  my  uncle    Toby) 

he  was   heartily  welcome   to   it: He 

made  a  very  low  bow  (which  was  meant  to 
your  honour),  but  no  answer, — for  his  heart 
was  full — so  he  went  up  stairs  with  the 
toast; — I  warrant  you,  my  dear,  said  1,  as 
I  opened  the  kitchen- door,   your  father  will 

be   well    again. Mr    Yorick's    curate   was 

smoaking  a  pipe  by  the  kitchen  fire, — but 
said  not  a  word  good  or  bad  to  comfort  the 

youth. 1    thought   it    wrong;    added   the 

corporal 1    think    so  too,   said   my   uncle 

Toby. 

When  the  lieutenant  had  taken  his  glass 
of  sack  and  toast,  he  felt  himself  a  little 
revived,  and  sent  down  into  the  kitchen, 
to  let  me  know,  that  in  about  ten  minutes 
he  should  be  glad  if  I  would  step  up  stairs. 

1  believe,  said  the  landlord,  he  is  going 

to  say  his  prayers, for  there  was  a  book 

laid  upon  the  chair  by  his  bed-side,    and  as 

141 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

I  shut   the   door,  I  saw  his  son  take  up  a 

cushion. 

I    thought,    said    the     curate,     that    you 
gentlemen   of  the    army,    Mr    Trim,    never 

said  your  prayers  at  all. 1  heard  the  poor 

gentleman  say  his  prayers  last  night,  said 
the  landlady,  very  devoutly,  and  with  my 
own   ears,    or  I  could  not  have  believed   it. 

Are  you  sure  of  it  ?  replied  the  curate. 

A    soldier,    an'    please    your  reverence, 

said   I,    prays  as  often    (of   his  own  accord) 

as  a  parson; and  when  he  is  fighting  for 

his  king,  and  for  his  own  life,  and  for  his 
honour  too,  he  has  the  most  reason  to 
pray    to    God    of   any    one    in    the    whole 

world 'Twas    well    said    of  thee,     Trim, 

said  my  uncle  Toby. But  when  a  soldier, 

said  I,  an'  please  your  reverence,  has  been 
standing  for  twelve  hours  together  in  the 
trenches,  up  to  his  knees  in  cold  water, — or 
engaged,  said  I,  for  months  together  in  long 
and  dangerous  marches; — harassed,  perhaps, 
in  his  rear  to-day; — harassing  others  to-mor- 
row;-— detached  here; — countermanded  there; 
—•resting  this  night  out  upon  his  arms; — 
beat  up  in  his  shirt  the  next; — benumbed 
in  his  joints; — perhaps  without  straw  in  his 
us 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

tent  to  kneel  on; — must  say  his  prayers 
how  and  when  he  can, — I  believe,  said  I, — 
for  I  was  piqued,  quoth  the  corporal,  for 
the  reputation  of  the  army, — I  believe,  an' 
please  your  reverence,  said  I,  that  when  a 
soldier  gets  time  to  pray,  —  he  prays  as 
heartily  as  a  parson, — though   not   with    all 

his    fuss    and    hypocrisy. Thou    shouldst 

not  have  said  that,  Trim,  said  my  uncle 
Toby, — for  God  only  knows  who  is  a  hypo- 
crite, and  who  is  not: At  the  great  and 

general  review  of  us  all,  corporal,  at  the 
day  of  judgment  (and  not  till  then) — it  will 
be  seen  who  has  done  their  duties  in  this 
world, — and  who  has  not;    and  we  shall  be 

advanced,   Trim,  accordingly. 1   hope  we 

shall,  said    Trim. It  is   in  the   Scripture, 

said  my  uncle  Toby;  and  I  will  shew  it 
thee  to-morrow:  —  In  the  mean  time  we 
may  depend  upon  it,  Trim,  for  our  comfort, 
said  my  uncle  Toby,  that  God  Almighty  is 
so  good  and  just  a  governor  of  the  world, 
that  if  we  have  but  done  our  duties  in  it, — it 
will  never  be  enquired  into,  whether  we  have 

done  them  in  a  red  coat  or  a  black  one : 

I  hope  not,  said  the  corporal But  go  on, 

Trim,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  with  thy  story. 

143 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

When  I  went  up,  continued  the  corporal, 
into  the  lieutenant's  room,  which  I  did  not 
do  till  the  expiration  of  the  ten  minutes, — 
he  was  lying  in  his  bed  with  his  head  raised 
upon  his  hand,  with  his  elbow  upon  the  pil- 
low, and  a  clean  white  cambrick  handker- 
chief beside  it: — The  youth  was  just  stoop- 
ing down  to  take  up  the  cushion,  upon 
which  I  supposed  he  had  been  kneeling, — 
the  book  was  laid  upon  the  bed, — and  as 
he  rose,  in  taking  up  the  cushion  with  one 
hand,  he   reached   out   his   other   to   take   it 

away   at   the    same   time. Let   it   remain 

there,  my  dear,  said  the  lieutenant. 

He  did  not  offer  to  speak  to  me,  till  I 
had  walked  up  close  to  his  bed-side  :  —  If 
you  are  captain  Shandy  s  servant,  said  he, 
you  must  present  my  thanks  to  your  mas- 
ter, with  my  little  boy's  thanks  along  with 
them,  for  his  courtesy  to  me;  —  if  he  was 
of  Leven's — said  the  lieutenant. — I  told  him 
your  honour  was — Then,  said  he,  I  served 
three  campaigns  with  him  in  Flanders,  and 
remember  him, — but  'tis  most  likely,  as  I 
had  not  the  honour  of  any  acquaintance 
with  him,  that  he  knows  nothing  of  me. 
You    will    tell    him,    however,    that   the 

144 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

person  his  good-nature  has  laid  under  obli- 
gations to  him,  is  one  Le  Fever,  a  lieuten- 
ant in  Angus's but  he  knows  me  not, — 

said  he,  a  second  time,  musing; possibly 

he  may  my  story — added  he — pray  tell  the 
captain,  I  was  the  ensign  at  Breda,  whose 
wife  was  most  unfortunately  killed  with  a 
musket-shot,  as  she  lay  in   my  arms  in  my 

tent. 1   remember   the   story,  an't   please 

your  honour,  said    I,  very  well. Do  you 

so  ?  said  he,  wiping  his  eyes  with  his  hand- 
kerchief,— then  well  may  I. — In  saying  this, 
he  drew  a  little  ring  out  of  his  bosom, 
which    seemed    tied    with    a    black    ribband 

about  his  neck,  and  kiss'd  it  twice Here, 

Billy,    said    he, the   boy  flew  across   the 

room  to  the  bed-side, — and  falling  down 
upon  his  knee,  took  the  ring  in  his  hand, 
and  kissed  it  too, — then  kissed  his  father, 
and  sat  down  upon  the  bed  and  wept. 

I  wish,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  with  a  deep 
sigh, — 1  wish,  Trim,  I  was  asleep. 

Your  honour,  replied  the  corporal,  is  too 
much  concerned; — shall   I  pour  your  honour 

out   a   glass   of   sack   to   your   pipe? Do, 

Trim,  said  my  uncle   Toby. 

1  remember,  said  my  uncle   Toby,  sighing 

145 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

again,  the  story  of  the  ensign  and  his  wixtf, 
with  a  circumstance  his  modesty  omitted; — 
and  particularly  well  that  he,  as  well  as  she, 
upon  some  account  or  other  (I  forget  what) 
was  universally  pitied  by  the  whole  regi- 
ment;— but  finish  the  story  thou  art  upon: 
— 'Tis  finished  already,  said  the  corporal, — 
for  I  could  stay  no  longer, — so  wished  his 
honour  a  good  night;  young  Le  Fever  rose 
from  off  the  bed,  and  saw  me  to  the  bot- 
tom of  the  stairs;  and  as  we  went  down 
together,  told  me,  they  had  come  from 
Ireland,    and    were    on    their   route   to  join 

the  regiment  in  Flanders. But  alas!  said 

the  corporal,  —  the  lieutenant's  last  day's 
march  is  over. — Then  what  is  to  become  of 
his  poor  boy?  cried  my  uncle  Toby, 


146 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER   VIII. 

THE     STORY    OF    LE     FEVER     CONTINUED. 

IT  was  to   my  uncle   Toby's  eternal   hon- 
our,  though   I   tell   it   only   for   the 

sake  of  those,  who,  when  coop'd  in 
betwixt  a  natural  and  a  positive  law,  know 
not,  for  their  souls,  which  way  in  the  world 

to  turn  themselves That  notwithstanding 

my  uncle  Toby  was  warmly  engaged  at  that 
time  in  carrying  on  the  siege  of  JDender- 
mond,  parallel  with  the  allies,  who  pressed 
theirs  on  so  vigorously,  that  they  scarce 
allowed  him  time  to  get  his  dinner — —that 
nevertheless  he  gave  up  Dendermond,  though 
he  had  already  made  a  lodgment  upon  the 
counterscarp; — and  bent  his  whole  thoughts 
towards  the  private  distresses  at  the  inn; 
and,  except  that  he  ordered  the  garden  gate 
to  be  bolted  up,  by  which  he  might  be  said 
to  have  turned  the  siege  of  Dendermond 
into  a  blockade,  —  he  left  Dendermond  to 
itself, — to  be  relieved  or  not  by  the  French 

w 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

king,  as  the  French  king  thought  good ;  and 
only  considered  how  he  himself  should  relieve 
the  poor  lieutenant  and  his  son. 

That  kind  Being,  who  is  a  friend  to 

the  friendless,  shall  recompence  thee  for 
this. 

Thou  hast  left  this  matter  short,  said  my 
uncle  Toby  to  the  corporal,  as  he  was  putting 

him  to  bed, and  I  will  tell  thee  in  what, 

Trim. In  the  first  place,  when  thou  mad- 

est  an  offer  of  my  services  to  Le  Fever, 

as  sickness  and  travelling  are  both  expensive, 
and  thou  knowest  he  was  but  a  poor  lieu- 
tenant, with  a  son  to  subsist  as  well  as  him- 
self, out  of  his  pay, — that  thou  didst  not 
make  an  offer  to  him  of  my  purse;  because, 
had  he  stood  in  need,  thou  knowest,  Trim, 
he   had    been   as  welcome   to   it   as   myself. 

Your  honour  knows,  said    the  corporal, 

I  had  no  orders; True,  quoth  my   uncle 

Toby, — thou  didst  very  right,  Trim,  as  a 
soldier,  —  but  certainly  very  wrong  as  a 
man. 

In   the   second    place,  for    which,  indeed, 
thou    hast   the    same   excuse,  continued  my 

uncle     Toby, when    thou    offeredst    him 

whatever  was  in  my  house, thou  shouldst 

148 


OF    TPJSTRAM    SHANDY 

have  offered  him  my  house,  too: A  sick 

brother  officer  should  have  the  best  quarters, 
Trim,  and  if  we  had  him  with  us, — we  could 
tend  and  look  to  him : Thou  art  an  excel- 
lent nurse  thyself,  Trim, — and  what  with  thy 
care  of  him,  and  the  old  woman's,  and  his 
boy's,  and  mine  together,  we  might  recruit 
him    again  at    once,  and    set    him  upon   his 

legs. 

In  a  fortnight  or  three  weeks,  added 


my  uncle  Toby,  smiling, he  might  march. 

He  will   never   march   an'    please  your 

honour,  in  this  world,  said  the  corporal  : 


He  will  march,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  rising  up 
from  the  side  of  the  bed,  with  one  shoe  off: 
An'  please  your  honour,  said  the  cor- 
poral, he  will  never  march  but  to  his  grave : 

He  shall    march,   cried  my   uncle   Toby, 

marching  the  foot  which  had  a  shoe  on, 
though  without  advancing  an  inch, — he  shall 

march  to  his    regiment. He  cannot  stand 

it,  said  the  corporal  ; He  shall  be  sup- 
ported, said  my  uncle    Toby; He'll  drop 

at  last,  said  the  corporal,  and  what  will  be- 
come   of   his    boy  ? He    shall    not    drop, 

said    my    uncle     Toby,    firmly. A-well- 

o'day, — do  what  we  can  for  him,  said  Trim, 

149 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

maintaining   his   point, — the    poor  soul   will 

die: He  shall  not  die,  by  G — ,  cried  my 

uncle  Toby. 

— The  accusing  spirit,  which  flew  up  to 
heaven's  chancery  with  the  oath,  blush'd  as 
he  gave  it  in; — and  the  recording  angel, 
as  he  wrote  it  down,  dropp'd  a  tear  upon 
the  word,  and  blotted  it  out  for  ever. 


CHAPTER   IX. 

Y  uncle  Toby  went  to  his  bureau, 
-put  his  purse  into  his  breech- 
es pocket,   and    having   ordered 
the  corporal  to  go  early  in  the  morning  for 
a    physician,  —  he    went    to    bed,    and    fell 
asleep. 


M 


150 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 
CHAPTER  X. 

THE   STORY   OF   LE    FEVER    CONTINUED. 

THE    sun    looked    bright    the    morning 
after,  to  every  eye  in  the  village  but 
Le   Fever* s   and    his   afflicted    son's; 
the  hand  of  death  press 'd    heavy  upon    his 

eye-lids, and    hardly  could   the  wheel  at 

the  cistern  turn  round  its  circle, — when  my 
uncle  Toby,  who  had  rose  up  an  hour  be- 
fore his  wonted  time,  entered  the  lieuten- 
ant's room,  and  without  preface  or  apology, 
sat  himself  down  upon  the  chair  by  the  bed- 
side, and,  independently  of  all  modes  and  cus- 
toms, opened  the  curtain  in  the  manner  an 
old  friend  and  brother  officer  would  have 
done  it,  and  asked  him  how  he  did, — how  he 
had  rested  in  the  night, — what  was  his  com- 
plaint,— where  was  his  pain, — and   what  he 

could  do  to  help  him : and  without  giving 

him  time  to  answer  any  one  of  the  enquir- 
ies, went  on  and  told  him  of  the  little 
plan  which  he  had  been  concerting  with 
the  corporal  the  night  before  for  him. 

151 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


-You  shall  go  home  directly,  Le  Fever, 


said  my  uncle  Toby,  to  my  house, — and 
we'll  send  for  a  doctor  to  see  what's  the 
matter, — and    we'll    have    an    apothecary, — 

and    the  corporal    shall    be  your  nurse; 

and  I'll  be  your  servant,  Le  Fever. 

There  was  a  frankness  in  my  uncle  Toby, 
—  not  the  effect  of  familiarity,  —  but  the 
cause  of  it, — which  let  you  at  once  into  his 
soul,  and  shewed  you  the  goodness  of  his 
nature;  to  this,  there  was  something  in  his 
looks,  and  voice,  and  manner,  superadded, 
which  eternally  beckoned  to  the  unfortunate 
to  come  and  take  shelter  under  him ;  so  that 
before  my  uncle  Toby  had  half  finished  the 
kind  offers  he  was  making  to  the  father, 
had  the  son  insensibly  pressed  up  close  to 
his  knees,  and  had  taken  hold  of  the  breast 
of  his    coat,    and    was    pulling    it    towards 

him. The  blood  and  spirits  of  Le  Fever, 

which  were  waxing  cold  and  slow  within 
him,  and  were  retreating  to  their  last  cita- 
del, the  heart, — rallied  back, — the  film  for- 
sook his  eyes  for  a  moment, — he  looked  up 
wishfully  in  my  uncle  Toby's  face, — then  cast 

a  look  upon  his  boy, and  that  ligament, 

fine  as  it  was, — was  never  broken. 

1*8 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Nature    instantly    ebb'd    again, — the    film 

returned  to  its  place, the  pulse  fluttered 

stopp'd went  on throbb'd 

stopp'd  again moved stopp'd shall 

I  go  on  ? No. 


CHAPTER   XL 

I  AM  so  impatient  to  return  to  my  own 
story,  that  what  remains  of  young  Le 
Fever's,  that  is,  from  this  turn  of  his 
fortune,  to  the  time  my  uncle  Toby  recom- 
mended him  for  my  preceptor,  shall  be  told 
in  a  very  few  words,  in  the  next  chapter. — 
All  that  is  necessary  to  be  added  to  this 
chapter  is  as  follows. — 

That  my  uncle  Toby,  with  young  Le 
Fever  in  his  hand,  attended  the  poor  lieu- 
tenant, as   chief  mourners,  to  his  grave. 

That  the  governor  of  Dendermond  paid  his 
obsequies  all  military  honours,  —  and  that 
Yorick,  not  to  be  behind-hand — paid  him  all 
ecclesiastic — for  he  buried  him  in  his  chan- 
cel:— And    it  appears    likewise,  he  preached 

153 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

a  funeral  sermon  over  him  — —  I  say  it 
appears, — for  it  was  Yorick's  custom,  which 
I  suppose  a  general  one  with  those  of  his 
profession,  on  the  first  leaf  of  every  sermon 
which  he  composed,  to  chronicle  down  the 
time,  the  place,  and  the  occasion  of  its  be- 
ing preached:  to  this,  he  was  ever  wont  to 
add  some  short  comment  or  stricture  upon 
the  sermon  itself,  seldom,  indeed,  much  to 
its  credit: — For  instance,  This  sermon  upon 
the  Jewish  dispensation — /  don't  like  it  at  all; 
— Though  I  own  there  is  a  world  of  wateh- 
landish  knowledge  in  it,— but  'tis  all  tritical, 

and  most  tritically  put  together. ■—  This  is 

but  a  flimsy  kind  of  a  composition  ;  what  was 
in  my  head  when  I  made  it  ? 

- N„  B.      The  excellency  of  this  text  is, 

that  it  will  Suit  any  sermon,— and  of  this  ser- 
mon,  that  it  will  suit  any  text.- 

— >~For  this  sermon  I  shall  be  hanged, — 


for  I  have  stolen  the  greatest  part  of  it.     Doc- 
tor  Paidagunes  found  me  out.      J3F  Set  a 

thief  to  catch  a  thief— 

On  the  back  of  half  a  dozen  I  find  writ- 
ten,  So>  so,   and   no   more and  upon  a 

couple    Moderato ;   by  which,  as   far  as  any 
one  may  gather  from    AltierVs    Italian  dic- 

154 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

tionary, — but  mostly  from  the  authority  of 
a  piece  of  green  whipcord,  which  seemed  to 
have  been  the  unravelling  of  Yorick's  whip- 
lash, with  which  he  has  left  us  the  two  ser- 
mons marked  Moderato,  and  the  half  dozen 
of  So,  so,  tied  fast  together  in  one  bundle 
by  themselves, — one  may  safely  suppose  he 
meant  pretty  near  the  same  thing. 

There  is  but  one  difficulty  in  the  way  of 
this  conjecture,  which  is  this,  that  the  mod- 
erators are  five  times  better  than  the  so, 
so's; — show  ten  times  more  knowledge  of 
the  human  heart  ;  —  have  seventy  times 
more  wit  and  spirit  in  them  ; — (and,  to  rise 
properly  in  my  climax) — discovered  a  thou- 
sand times  more  genius  ;  and  to  crown  all, 
are  infinitely  more  entertaining  than  those 
tied  up  with  them  ;  —  for  which  reason, 
whene'er  Yorick's  dramatic  sermons  are  of- 
fered to  the  world,  though  I  shall  admit 
but  one  out  of  the  whole  number  of  the 
so,  so's,  I  shall,  nevertheless,  adventure  to 
print  the  two  moderators  without  any  sort 
of  scruple. 

What  Yorick  could  mean  by  the  words 
lentamente, — tenute, — grave, — and  sometimes 
adagio, — as  applied    to    theological  composi- 

155 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

tions,  and  with  which  he  has  characterised 
some  of  these  sermons,    I   dare  not  venture 

to  guess. 1  am   more  puzzled   still   upon 

finding   a  Voctava  altaf   upon   one  ; Con 

strepito    upon    the    back    of    another ; 

Siciliana    upon    a    third  ; Alia    capella 

upon  a  fourth  ; Con   Varco   upon   this  ; 

Senza  Varco  upon  that. All  I  know 

is,  that  they  are  musical  terms,  and  have  a 

meaning; and  as  he  was  a  musical  man, 

I  will  make  no  doubt,  but  that  by  some 
quaint  application  of  such  metaphors  to  the 
compositions  in  hand,  they  impressed  very 
distinct  ideas  of  their  several  characters 
upon  his  fancy, — whatever  they  may  do 
upon  that  of  others. 

Amongst    these,    there  is   that    particular 
sermon    which    has    unaccountably    led    me 

into   this   digression The   funeral    sermon 

upon  poor  Le  Fever,  wrote  out  very  fairly, 
as  if  from  a  hasty  copy. — I  take  notice  of 
it  the  more,  because  it  seems  to  have  been 
his  favourite  composition It  is  upon  mor- 
tality; and  is  tied  length- ways  and  cross- 
ways  with  a  yarn  thrum,  and  then  rolled 
up  and  twisted  round  with  a  half-sheet  of 
dirty  blue  paper,  which  seems  to  have  been 

156 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

once  the  cast  cover  of  a  general  review, 
which  to  this  day  smells  horribly  of  horse 
drugs. Whether  these  marks  of  humili- 
ation  were   designed, — I  something   doubt  ; 

because  at  the  end  of  the  sermon  (and 

not  at  the  beginning  of  it) — very  different 
from  his  way  of  treating  the  rest,  he  had 
wrote 

Bravo  ! 
Though  not  very  offensively, for 


it  is  at  two  inches,  at  least,  and  a  halfs 
distance  from,  and  below  the  concluding 
line  of  the  sermon,  at  the  very  extremity 
of  the  page,  and  in  that  right  hand  corner 
of  it,  which,  you  know,  is  generally  covered 
with  your  thumb  ;  and,  to  do  it  justice,  it 
is  wrote  besides  with  a  crow's  quill  so 
faintly  in  a  small  Italian  hand,  as  scarce 
to  solicit  the  eye  towards  the  place,  whether 
your  thumb  is  there  or  not, — so  that  from 
the  manner  of  it,  it  stands  half  excused  ; 
and  being  wrote  moreover  with  very  pale 
ink,  diluted  almost  to  nothing, — 'tis  more 
like  a  ritratto  of  the  shadow  of  vanity, 
than  of  Vanity  herself — of  the  two;  resem- 
bling   rather    a   faint    thought    of    transient 

157 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

applause,  secretly  stirring  up  in  the  heart 
of  the  composer,  than  a  gross  mark  of  it, 
coarsely  obtruded  upon  the  world. 

With  all  these  extenuations,  I  am  aware, 
that  in  publishing  this,  I  do  no  service  to 
Yorick's  character  as  a  modest  man  ; — but 
all  men  have  their  failings  !  and  what  les- 
sens this  still  farther,  and  almost  wipes  it 
away,  is  this  ;  that  the  word  was  struck 
through  sometime  afterwards  (as  appears 
from  a  different  tint  of  the  ink)  with  a  line 

quite  across  it  in  this  manner,  BRAVO  

as  if  he  had  retracted,  or  was  ashamed  of 
the  opinion  he  had  once  entertained  of  it. 

These  short  characters  of  his  sermons  were 
always  written,  excepting  in  this  one  in- 
stance, upon  the  first  leaf  of  his  sermon, 
which  served  as  a  cover  to  it  ;  and  usually 
upon  the  inside  of  it,  which  was  turned 
towards  the  text  ; — but  at  the  end  of  his 
discourse,  where,  perhaps,  he  had  five  or  six 
pages,  and  sometimes,  perhaps,  a  whole  score 
to  turn  himself  in, — he  took  a  large  circuit, 
and,  indeed,  a  much  more  mettlesome  one ; — 
as  if  he  had  snatched  the  occasion  of  unlac- 
ing himself  with  a  few  more  frolicksome 
strokes  at    vice,   than    the  straitness  of   the 

158 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

pulpit  allowed. — These,  though  hussar- like, 
they  skirmish  lightly  and  out  of  all  order, 
are  still  auxiliaries  on  the  side  of  virtue  ; — 
tell  me  then,  Mynheer  Vander  Bloneder- 
dondergewdenstronke,  why  they  should  not 
be  printed  together  ? 


CHAPTER   XII. 

WHEN  my  uncle  Toby  had  turned 
every  thing  into  money,  and  settled 
all  accounts  betwixt  the  agent  of 
the  regiment  and  Le  Fever,  and  betwixt 
Le  Fever  and  all  mankind, there  re- 
mained nothing  more  in  my  uncle  Toby's 
hands,  than  an  old  regimental  coat  and  a 
sword  ;  so  that  my  uncle  Toby  found  little 
or  no  opposition  from  the  world  in  taking 
administration.       The    coat    my  uncle    Toby 

gave  the   corporal  ; Wear  it,    Trim,  said 

my  uncle  Toby,  as  long  as  it  will  hold  to- 
gether, for  the  sake  of  the  poor  lieutenant 
And  this, said  my  uncle  Toby,  tak- 
ing up  the  sword  in  his  hand,  and  drawing 

159 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

it  out  of  the  scabbard   as  he  spoke and 

this,  Le  Fever,  I'll  save  for  thee, — 'tis  all 
the  fortune,  continued  my  uncle  Toby, 
hanging  it  up  upon  a  crook,  and  pointing 
to  it, — 'tis  all  the  fortune,  my  dear  Le  Fever, 
which  God  has  left  thee  ;  but  if  he  has 
given  thee  a  heart  to  fight  thy  way  with 
it  in  the  world, — and  thou  doest  it  like  a 
man  of  honour, — 'tis  enough  for  us. 

As  soon  as  my  uncle  Toby  had  laid  a 
foundation,  and  taught  him  to  inscribe  a 
regular  polygon  in  a  circle,  he  sent  him  to 
a  public  school,  where,  excepting  Whitsun- 
tide and  Christmas,  at  which  times  the  cor- 
poral was  punctually  dispatched  for  him, — 
he  remained  to  the  spring  of  the  year,  sev- 
enteen; when  the  stories  of  the  emperor's 
sending  his  army  into  Hungary  against  the 
Turks,  kindling  a  spark  of  fire  in  his  bosom, 
he  left  his  Greek  and  Latin  without  leave, 
and  throwing  himself  upon  his  knees  before 
my  uncle  Toby,  begged  his  father's  sword, 
and  my  uncle  Toby's  leave  along  with  it, 
to  go  and  try  his  fortune  under  Eugene. — 
Twice  did  my  uncle  Toby  forget  his  wound, 
and  cry  out,  Le  Fever !  I  will  go  with  thee, 
and    thou    shalt    fight    beside    me And 

160 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

twice  he  laid  his  hand  upon  his  groin,  and 
hung  down  his  head  in  sorrow  and  discon- 
solation. 

My  uncle  Toby  took  down  the  sword  from 
the  crook,  where  it  had  hung  untouched 
ever  since  the  lieutenant's  death,  and  deliv- 
ered it  to  the  corporal  to  brighten  up; 

and  having  detained  Le  Fever  a  single  fort- 
night to  equip  him,  and  contract  for  his 
passage  to  Leghorn, — he  put  the  sword  into 

his  hand. If  thou  art  brave,   Le  Fever, 

said  my  uncle    Toby,  this  will  not  fail  thee, 

but  Fortune,    said  he  (musing  a  little), 

Fortune    may And    if   she    does, — 

added  my  uncle  Toby,  embracing  him,  come 
back  again  to  me,  Le  Fever,  and  we  will 
shape  thee  another  course. 

The  greatest  injury  could  not  have  op- 
pressed   the    heart  of  Le   Fever  more  than 

my  uncle    Toby's  paternal    kindness  ; he 

parted  from  my  uncle   Toby,  as  the  best  of 

sons    from    the    best    of    fathers both 

dropped    tears and    as    my   uncle    Toby 

gave  him  his  last  kiss,  he  slipped  sixty 
guineas,  tied  up  in  an  old  purse  of  his 
father's,  in  which  was  his  mother's  ring, 
into  his  hand, — and  bid  God  bless  him. 

161 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER   XIII. 

LE  Fever  got  up  to  the  Imperial  army- 
just  time  enough  to  try  what  metal 
his  sword  was  made  of,  at  the  defeat 
of  the  Turks  before  Belgrade;  but  a  series 
of  unmerited  mischances  had  pursued  him 
from  that  moment,  and  trod  close  upon  his 
heels  for  four  years  together  after:  he  had 
withstood  these  buffetings  to  the  last,  till 
sickness  overtook  him  at  Marseilles,  from 
whence  he  wrote  my  uncle  Toby  word,  he 
had   lost   his   time,   his   services,   his  health, 

and,  in  short,  every  thing  but  his  sword ; 

and  was  waiting  for  the  first  ship  to  return 
back  to  him. 

As  this  letter  came  to  hand  about  six 
weeks  before  Susannah's  accident,  Le  Fever 
was  hourly  expected;  and  was  uppermost  in 
my  uncle  Toby's  mind  all  the  time  my  father 
was  giving  him  and  Yorick  a  description  of 
what  kind  of  a  person  he  would  chuse  for  a 
preceptor  to  me:  but  as  my  uncle  Toby 
thought  my  father  at  first  somewhat  fanciful 

162 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

in  the  accomplishments  he  required,  he  fore- 
bore  mentioning  Le  Fever's  name, till 

the  character,  by  Yorick's  interposition,  end- 
ing unexpectedly,  in  one,  who  should  be 
gentle-tempered,  and  generous,  and  good,  it 
impressed  the  image  of  Le  Fever,  and  his 
interest  upon  my  uncle  Toby  so  forcibly,  he 
rose  instantly  off  his  chair;  and  laying  down 
his  pipe,  in  order  to  take  hold  of  both  my 

father's    hands 1    beg,    brother   Shandy, 

said  my  uncle  Toby,  I  may  recommend  poor 

Le  Fever's  son  to  you 1   beseech  you, 

do,   added  Yorick He  has  a  good  heart, 

said    my    uncle    Toby And   a   brave    one 

too,  an'  please  your  honour,  said  the  cor- 
poral. 

The   best   hearts,    Trim,  are  ever  the 

bravest,    replied    my    uncle    Toby. And 

the  greatest  cowards,  an'  please  your  hon- 
our, in  our  regiment,  were  the  greatest  ras- 
cals in  it. There   was    serjeant  Kumber, 

and  ensign 

We'll  talk  of  them,  said   my  father, 

another  time. 


163 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XIV. 

WHAT    a   jovial    and    a    merry    world 
would   this   be,    may   it  please   your 
worships,    but    for    that    inextricable 
labyrinth  of  debts,  cares,  woes,  want,  grief, 
discontent,    melancholy,   large  jointures,    im- 
positions, and  lies! 

Doctor  Slop,  like   a   son    of  a   w ,  as 

my  father  called  him  for  it, — to  exalt  him- 
self,— debased  me  to  death, — and  made  ten 
thousand  times  more  of  Susannah's  accident, 
than  there  was  any  grounds  for;  so  that  in 
a  week's  time,  or  less,  it  was  in  every  body's 
mouth,  That  poor  Master  Shandy  * 

*Jr  *fr  w  tt  *tF  *nr  *  *Jr  * 

entirely. — And  Fame,  who  loves  to  double 
every  thing, — in  three  days  more,  had  sworn 
positively  she  saw  it, — and  all  the  world,  as 

usual,  gave  credit  to  her  evidence "That 

the  nursery  window  had  not  only         #         * 


# 

# 

*  . 

nnt    thot    * 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

» 

# 

UUL      Lllclt 
#                   #                  # 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

*  's  also." 

164 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Could  the  world  have  been  sued  like  a 
body- corporate,  —  my  father  had  brought 
an  action  upon  the  case,  and  trounced  it 
sufficiently;  but  to  fall  foul  of  individuals 
about  it as  every  soul  who  had  men- 
tioned  the    affair,    did   it   with   the   greatest 

pity  imaginable; 'twas  like  flying  in  the 

very  face  of  his  best  friends: And  yet  to 

acquiesce  under  the  report,  in  silence — was 
to  acknowledge  it  openly, — at  least  in  the 
opinion  of  one  half  of  the  world ;  and  to 
make  a  bustle  again,  in  contradicting  it, — 
was  to  confirm  it  as  strongly  in  the  opinion 
of  the  other  half. 

Was    ever    poor    devil    of    a    country 


gentleman  so  hampered  ?  said  my  father. 

I    would    shew    him    publickly,    said    my 
uncle    Toby,  at  the  market  cross. 

'Twill  have  no  effect,  said  my  father. 


CHAPTER    XV. 


-I'll  put  him,  however,  into   breeches, 


said  my  father, — let  the  world  say  what  it 
will. 


165 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


CHAPTER   XVI. 

THERE  are  a  thousand  resolutions,  Sir, 
both  in  church  and  state,  as  well  as  in 
matters,  Madam,  of  a  more  private 
concern; — which,  though  they  have  carried 
all  the  appearance  in  the  world  of  being 
taken,  and  entered  upon  in  a  hasty,  hare- 
brained, and  unadvised  manner,  were,  not- 
withstanding this,  (and  could  you  or  I  have 
got  into  the  cabinet,  or  stood  behind  the 
curtain,  we    should    have    found    it   was    so) 

weighed,    poized,    and    perpended argued 

upon canvassed  through entered  into, 

and  examined  on  all  sides  with  so  much 
coolness,  that  the  goddess  of  coolness  her- 
self (I  do  not  take  upon  me  to  prove  her 
existence)  could  neither  have  wished  it,  or 
done  it  better. 

Of  the  number  of  these  was  my  father's 
resolution  of  putting  me  into  breeches ; 
which,  though  determined  at  once, — in  a 
kind  of  huff,  and  a  defiance  of  all  mankind, 
had,   nevertheless,   been   pro'd  and   conn'd, 

166 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

and  judicially  talked  over  betwixt  him  and 
my  mother  about  a  month  before,  in  two 
several  beds  of  justice,  which  my  father  had 
held  for  that  purpose.  I  shall  explain  the 
nature  of  these  beds  of  justice  in  my  next 
chapter;  and  in  the  chapter  following  that, 
you  shall  step  with  me,  Madam,  behind  the 
curtain,  only  to  hear  in  what  kind  of  man- 
ner my  father  and  my  mother  debated  be- 
tween themselves,  this  affair  of  the  breeches, 
— from  which  you  may  form  an  idea,  how 
they  debated  all  lesser  matters. 


CHAPTER    XVII. 

THE  ancient  Goths  of  Germany,  who  (the 
learned  Cluverius  is  positive)  were  first 
seated  in  the  country  between  the  Vis- 
tula and  the  Oder,  and  who  afterwards  in- 
corporated the  Herculi,  the  Bugians,  and 
some  other  Vandallich  clans  to  'em, — had  all 
of  them  a  wise  custom  of  debating  every 
thing  of  importance  to  their  state,  twice; 
that   is, — once   drunk,  and   once   sober: 

167 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Drunk — that  their  councils  might  not  want 

vigour; and   sober — that  they  might  not 

want  discretion. 

Now  my  father  being  entirely  a  water- 
drinker, — was  a  long  time  gravelled  almost 
to  death,  in  turning  this  as  much  to  his  ad- 
vantage, as  he  did  every  other  thing,  which 
the  ancients  did  or  said;  and  it  was  not  till 
the  seventh  year  of  his  marriage,  after  a 
thousand  fruitless  experiments  and  devices, 
that  he  hit  upon  an  expedient  which  an- 
swered the  purpose; and  that  was,  when 

any  difficult  and  momentous  point  was  to 
be  settled  in  the  family,  which  required 
great   sobriety,   and   great   spirit   too,   in    its 

determination, he  fixed  and  set  apart  the 

first  Sunday  night  in  the  month,  and  the 
Saturday  night  which  immediately  preceded 
it,  to  argue  it  over,  in  bed,  with  my  mother: 
By  which  contrivance,  if  you  consider,  Sir, 
with  yourself,    ****** 

?nF  "fr  iff  ^r  ^ff  ?ff  ^ff  "n.  ^ff 


These    my    father,    humourously   enough, 
called   his  beds   of  justice; for   from   the 

168 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

two  different  counsels  taken  in  these  two 
different  humours,  a  middle  one  was  gener- 
ally found  out,  which  touched  the  point  of 
wisdom  as  well,  as  if  he  had  got  drunk  and 
sober  a  hundred  times. 

It  must  not  be  made  a  secret  of  to  the 
world,  that  this  answers  full  as  well  in  liter- 
ary discussions,  as  either  in  military  or  con- 
jugal; but  it  is  not  every  author  that  can 
try  the  experiment  as  the  Goths  and  Vandals 

did  it or,  if  he  can,  may  it  be  always  for 

his  body's  health;  and  to  do  it,  as  my  father 
did  it, — am  I  sure  it  would  be  always  for 
his  soul's. 

My  way  is  this: 

In  all  nice  and  ticklish  discussions, — (of 
which,  heaven  knows,  there  are  but  too 
many  in  my  book) — where  I  find  I  cannot 
take  a  step  without  the  danger  of  having 
either  their  worships  or  their  reverences  upon 

my    back I    write    one-half  full,  —  and 

t'other  fasting; or  write  it  all  full, — and 

correct   it   fasting; or   write   it  fasting, — 

and  correct  it  full,  for  they  all  come  to  the 

same  thing: So  that  with  a  less  variation 

from  my  father's  plan,  than  my  father's 
from   the  Got  hick 1   feel   myself  upon   a 

169 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

par  with  him  in  his  first  bed  of  justice, — 
and  no  way  inferior  to  him  in  his  second. 

These   different   and   almost  irreconcile- 

able  effects,  flow  uniformly  from  the  wise 
and    wonderful    mechanism    of    nature,  —  of 

which,  —  be  her's   the  honour. All   that 

we  can  do,  is  to  turn  and  work  the  machine 
to  the  improvement  and  better  manufactory 
of  the  arts  and  sciences. 

Now,  when  I  write  full, — I  write  as  if  I 
was  never  to  write  fasting  again  as  long  as 

I    live ; that    is,    I   write   free  from  the 

cares   as   well   as   the   terrors   of  the   world. 

1  count  not  the  number  of  my  scars, — 

nor  does  my  fancy  go  forth  into  dark  en- 
tries and  bye-corners  to  antedate  my  stabs. 

In    a   word,    my   pen    takes   its   course; 

and  I  write  on  as  much  from  the  fulness 
of  my  heart,  as  my  stomach. 

But  when,  an'  please  your  honours,  I  in- 
dite   fasting,    'tis    a    different    history. 1 

pay  the  world  all  possible  attention  and  re- 
spect,— and  have  as  great  a  share  (whilst  it 
lasts)  of  that  under-strapping  virtue  of  dis- 
cretion,   as    the    best    of   you. So    that 

betwixt    both,    I    write    a    careless    kind   of 
a    civil,    nonsensical,    good-humoured    Shan- 
no 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

dean    book,   which   will    do   all   your  hearts 

good 

And   all  your   heads   too,  —  provided 


you  understand  it. 


CHAPTER    XVIII. 

WE  should  begin,  said  my  father,  turn- 
ing himself  half  round  in  bed,  and 
shifting    his    pillow  a  little    towards 

my  mother's,  as  he  opened  the  debate 

We  should  begin  to  think,  Mrs  Shandy,  of 
putting  this  boy  into  breeches. 

We  should  so, — said  my  mother. We 

defer  it,  my  dear,  quoth  my  father,  shame- 
fully.  

I  think  we  do,  Mr  Shandy, — said  my 
mother. 

Not   but   the    child    looks    extremely 

well,  said  my  father,  in  his  vests  and 
tunicks. 

He  does  look  very  well  in  them, — 

replied  my  mother. 

And    for    that    reason    it    would    be 

171 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

almost  a  sin,  added  my  father,  to  take  him 

out  of  'em. 

It  would  so, — said    my   mother: 


But  indeed  he  is  growing  a  very  tall  lad, — 
rejoined  my  father. 

He  is  very  tall  for  his  age,  indeed, — 

said  my  mother. 


1  can  not  (making  two  syllables  of  it) 

imagine,  quoth  my  father,  who  the  deuce  he 
takes  after. 

I  cannot  conceive,  for  my  life, — said  my 
mother. 

Humph! said  my  father. 

(The  dialogue  ceased  for  a  moment.) 

1    am   very   short  myself, — continued 

my  father  gravely. 

You  are  very  short,  Mr  Shandy, — said  my 
mother. 

Humph!  quoth  my  father  to  himself,  a 
second  time:  in  muttering  which,  he  plucked 
his  pillow  a  little  further  from  my  mother's, — 
and  turning  about  again,  there  was  an  end  of 
the  debate  for  three  minutes  and  a  half. 

When  he  gets   these   breeches   made, 

cried  my  father  in  a  higher  tone,  he'll  look 
like  a  beast  in  'em. 


172 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

He  will  be  very  awkward  in  them  at  first, 

replied  my  mother. 

And    'twill    be    lucky,    if   that's    the 


worst  on't,  added  my  father. 

It  will  be  very  lucky,  answered  my 
mother. 

I  suppose,  replied  my  father,  —  making 
some  pause  first,  —  he'll  be  exactly  like 
other  people's  children. 

Exactly,  said  my  mother. 


Though    I    shall    be    sorry    for    that, 

added  my  father:  and  so  the  debate  stopp'd 
again. 

They  should    be  of    leather,  said   my 

father,  turning  him  about  again. — 

They  will  last  him,  said  my  mother,  the 
longest. 

But  he  can  have  no  linings  to  'em,  replied 
my  father. 

He  cannot,  said  my  mother. 

'Twere  better  to  have  them  of  fustian, 
quoth  my  father. 

Nothing  can  be  better,  quoth  my 
mother. 

Except    dimity, — replied    my    father: 


-'Tis  best  of  all, — replied   my  mother. 


I7S 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

—One   must   not   give   him   his  death, 


however, — interrupted  my  father. 

By  no  means,  said  my  mother: and  so 

the  dialogue  stood  still  again. 

I  am  resolved,  however,  quoth  my  father, 
breaking  silence  the  fourth  time,  he  shall 
have  no  pockets  in  them. 

There    is    no   occasion    for   any,    said 


my  mother. 

I  mean  in  his  coat  and  waistcoat, — cried 
my  father. 

1  mean  so  too, — replied  my  mother. 

Though  if  he  gets  a  gig  or  top 

Poor  souls!  it  is  a  crown  and  a  sceptre  to 
them, — they  should  have  where  to  secure 
it. 

Order  it  as  you  please,  Mr  Shandy,  re- 
plied my  mother. 

But  don't  you  think  it  right?  added 


my  father,  pressing  the  point  home  to  her. 

Perfectly,   said    my  mother,   if  it   pleases 
you,  Mr  Shandy. 

There's    for    you!    cried    my    father, 


losing  temper Pleases  me! You  never 

will  distinguish,  Mrs  Shandy,  nor  shall  I 
ever  teach  you  to  do  it,  betwixt  a  point  of 
pleasure    and    a   point   of   convenience. 

174 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

This  was  on  the  Sunday  night; and  fur- 
ther this  chapter  sayeth  not. 


CHAPTER   XIX. 

AFTER  my  father  had  debated  the 
affair  of  the  breeches  with  my  mother, 
— he  consulted  Albertus  Rubenius  upon 
it;  and  Albertus  Rubenius  used  my  father 
ten  times  worse  in  the  consultation  (if  pos- 
sible) than  even  my  father  had  used  my 
mother:  For  as  Rubenius  had  wrote  a 
quarto  express,  De  re  Vestiaria  Vet er urn, — 
it  was  Rubenius' 's  business  to  have  given  my 
father  some  lights.  —  On  the  contrary,  my 
father  might  as  well  have  thought  of  ex- 
tracting the  seven  cardinal  virtues  out  of  a 
long  beard, — as  of  extracting  a  single  word 
out  of  Rubenius  upon  the  subject. 

Upon  every  other  article  of  ancient  dress, 
Rubenius  was  very  communicative  to  my 
father; — gave  him  a  full  and  satisfactory  ac- 
count of 

175 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

The  Toga,  or  loose  gown. 
The  Chlamys. 
The  Ephod. 
The  Tunica,  or  Jacket. 
The  Synthesis. 
The  Psenula. 

The  Lacema,  with  its  Cucullus. 
The  Paludamentum. 
The  Prsetexta. 

The  Sagum,  or  soldier's  jerkin. 
The  Trabea :  of  which,  according  to  Sue- 
tonius, there  were  three  kinds. — 

But  what  are  these  to  the  breeches? 

said   my  father. 

Rubenius  threw  him  down  upon  the  coun- 
ter  all    kinds   of   shoes  which   had   been   in 

fashion  with  the  Romans. 

There  was, 

The  open  shoe. 
The  close  shoe. 
The  slip  shoe. 
The  wooden  shoe. 
The  soc. 
The  buskin. 
And  The  military  shoe  with  hobnails 
in  it,  which  Juvenal  takes 
notice  of. 

176 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

There  were,  The  clogs. 
The  pattins. 
The  pantoufles. 
The  brogues. 

The  sandals,    with     latchets    to 
them. 
There  was,  The  felt  shoe. 
The  linen  shoe. 
The  laced  shoe. 
The  braided  shoe. 
The  calceus  incisus. 
And  The  calceus  rostratus. 
Rubenius  showed  my  father  how  well  they 
all  fitted, — in  what  manner  they  laced  on, — 
with   what    points,    straps,    thongs,    latchets, 

ribbands,  jaggs,  and  ends. 

But  I  want  to  be  informed  about  the 


breeches,  said  my  father. 

Albertus  Rubenius  informed  my  father  that 
the  Romans   manufactured   stuffs   of  various 

fabrics, some     plain,  —  some     striped,  — 

others  diapered  throughout  the  whole  con- 
texture of  the  wool,  with  silk  and  gold 

That  linen  did  not  begin  to  be  in  common 
use,  till  towards  the  declension  of  the  em- 
pire, when  the  Egyptians  coming  to  settle 
amongst  them,  brought  it  into  vogue. 

m 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 
—That  persons  of  quality   and   fortune 


distinguished  themselves  by  the  fineness  and 
whiteness  of  their  clothes;  which  colour 
(next  to  purple,  which  was  appropriated  to 
the  great  offices)  they  most  affected,  and 
wore  on  their  birth- days  and  public  rejoic- 
ings.  That  it  appeared  from  the  best  his- 
torians of  those  times,  that  they  frequently 
sent  their  clothes  to  the  fuller,  to  be  clean' d 
and  whitened; but  that  the  inferior  peo- 
ple, to  avoid  that  expence,  generally  wore 
brown  clothes,  and  of  a  something  coarser 
texture,  —  till  towards  the  beginning  of 
Augustus's  reign,  when  the  slave  dressed 
like  his  master,  and  almost  every  distinction 
of  habiliment  was  lost,  but  the  Latus 
Clavus. 

And   what   was  the  Latus   Clavus  ?   said 
my  father. 

Rubenius    told    him,    that   the   point   was 

still    litigating    amongst    the     learned  : 

That  Egnatius,  Sigonius,  Bossius  Ticinensis, 
Bayfius,  Budceus,  Salmasius,  Lipsius,  Lazius, 
Isaac  Casaubon,  and  Joseph  Scaliger,  all 
differed  from  each  other, — and  he  from 
them  :  That  some  took  it  to  be  the 
button, — some  the  coat  itself, — others   only 

178 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

the  colour  of  it  : — That  the  great  Bayfius, 
in  his  Wardrobe  of  the  Ancients,  chap. 
12. — honestly  said,  he  knew  not  what  it 
was, — whether  a  tibula, — a  stud, — a  button, 
—  a    loop,  —  a     buckle,  —  or     clasps     and 

keepers. 

My   father  lost   the    horse,    but    not 


the  saddle They  are  hooks  and  eyes,  said 

my  father and    with   hooks   and  eyes  he 

ordered  my  breeches  to  be  made. 


w 


CHAPTER  XX. 

E    are  now   going   to    enter    upon    a 

new  scene  of  events. 

Leave    we   then   the   breeches 

in  the  taylor's  hands,  with  my  father  stand- 
ing over  him  with  his  cane,  reading  him  as 
he  sat  at  work  a  lecture  upon  the  lotus 
clavuSy  and  pointing  to  the  precise  part  of 
the  waistband,  where  he  was  determined  to 

have  it  sewed  on. 

Leave  we   my  mother — (truest  of  all  the 
Pococurantes  of  her  sex)  1 — careless  about  it, 

179 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

as  about  every  thing  else  in  the  world 
which  concerned  her  ; — that  is, — indifferent 
whether  it  was  done  this  way  or  that, — 
provided   it  was  but  done   at  all. 

Leave  we  Slop  likewise  to  the  full  profits 
of  all  my  dishonours. 

Leave  we  poor  Le  Fever  to  recover,    and 

get   home    from    Marseilles   as    he   can. 

And  last  of  all,  —  because  the  hardest 
of  all 

Let  us  leave,   if  possible,    myself: But 

'tis  impossible, — I  must  go  along  with  you 
to  the  end  of  the  work. 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

IF  the  reader  has  not  a  clear  conception 
of  the  rood  and  the  half  of  ground 
which  lay  at  the  bottom  of  my  uncle 
Toby's  kitchen-garden,  and  which  was  the 
scene  of  so  many  of  his  delicious  hours, — 
the  fault  is  not  in  me, — but  in  his  imagina- 
tion ; — for  I  am  sure  I  gave  him  so  minute 
a  description,    I    was   almost  ashamed  of  it. 

ISO 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

When  Fate  was  looking  forwards  one 
afternoon,  into  the  great  transactions  of 
future  times, — and  recollected  for  what  pur- 
pose, this  little  plot,  by  a  decree  fast  bound 
down  in  iron,  had  been  destined, — she  gave 
a  nod  to  Nature, — 'twas  enough — Nature 
threw  half  a  spade  full  of  her  kindliest 
compost  upon  it,  with  just  so  much  clay  in 
it,  as  to  retain  the  forms  of  angles  and  in- 
dentings, — and  so  little  of  it  too,  as  not  to 
cling  to  the  spade,  and  render  works  of  so 
much  glory,  nasty  in  foul  weather. 

My  uncle  Toby  came  down,  as  the  reader 
has  been  informed,  with  plans  along  with 
him,  of  almost  every  fortified  town  in  Italy 
and  Flanders;  so  let  the  Duke  of  Marl- 
borough, or  the  allies,  have  set  down  before 
what  town  they  pleased,  my  uncle  Toby 
was  prepared  for  them, 

His  way,  which  was  the  simplest  one  in 
the  world,  was  this;  as  soon  as  ever  a  town 
was  invested — (but  sooner  when  the  design 
was  known)  to  take  the  plan  of  it  (let  it 
be  what  town  it  would),  and  enlarge  it 
upon  a  scale  to  the  exact  size  of  his  bowl- 
ing-green; upon  the  surface  of  which,  by 
means  of  a  large  roll    of  packthread,  and  a 

181 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

number  of  small  piquets  driven  into  the 
ground,  at  the  several  angles  and  redans,  he 
transferred  the  lines  from  his  paper;  then 
taking  the  profile  of  the  place,  with  its 
works,  to  determine  the  depths  and  slopes 
of  the  ditches, — the  talus  of  the  glacis,  and 
the  precise  height  of  the  several  banquets, 
parapets,  &c. — he  set   the    corporal  to  work 

and  sweetly  went  it  on: The  nature 

of  the  soil, — the  nature  of  the  work  itself, 
— and  above  all,  the  good-nature  of  my 
uncle  Toby  sitting  by  from  morning  to 
night,  and  chatting  kindly  with  the  corporal 
upon  past-done  deeds, — left  labour  little  else 
but  the  ceremony  of  the  name. 

When  the  place  was  finished  in  this 
manner,  and  put  into  a  proper  posture 
of  defence, — it  was  invested, — and  my 
uncle    Toby  and  the  corporal  began  to  run 

their  first   parallel. 1    beg  I  may  not  be 

interrupted  in  my  story,  by  being  told, 
That  the  first  parallel  should  be  at  least 
three  hundred  toises  distant  from  the  main 
body  of  the  place, — and  that  I  have  not  left 

a    single    inch  for    it; for    my     uncle 

Toby  took  the  liberty  of  incroaching  upon 
his  kitchen-garden,  for  the  sake  of  enlarging 

189 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

ins  works  on  the  bowling-green,  and  for  that 
reason  generally  ran  his  first  and  second 
parallels  betwixt  two  rows  of  his  cabbages 
and  his  cauliflowers;  the  conveniences  and 
inconveniences  of  which  will  be  considered 
at  large  in  the  history  of  my  uncle  Toby's 
and  the  corporal's  campaigns,  of  which,  this 
I'm  now  writing  is  but  a  sketch,  and  will 
be  finished,  if  I    conjecture    right,    in  three 

pages    (but    there    is    no     guessing) The 

campaigns  themselves  will  take  up  as  many 
books;  and  therefore  I  apprehend  it  would 
be  hanging  too  great  a  weight  of  one  kind 
of  matter  in  so  flimsy  a  performance  as 
this,  to  rhapsodize  them,  as  I  once  intended, 

into  the    body    of   the    work surely  they 

had  better  be  printed  apart, we'll  con- 
sider   the    affair so     take     the    following 

sketch  of  them  in  the  mean  time. 


183 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

WHEN  the  town,  with  its  works,  was 
finished,  my  uncle  Toby  and  the 
corporal     began     to     run    their    first 

parallel not  at  random,    or  any  how 

but  from  the  same  points  and  distances 
the  allies  had  begun  to  run  theirs;  and 
regulating  their  approaches  and  attacks,  by 
the  accounts  my  uncle  Toby  received  from 
the  daily  papers, — they  went  on,  during  the 
whole  siege,   step  by  step  with  the  allies. 

When  the  duke  of  Marlborough  made  a 
lodgment, my  uncle  Toby  made  a  lodg- 
ment   too. And     when    the    face    of    a 

bastion  was  battered  down,  or  a  defence 
ruined, — the     corporal     took      his     mattock 

and   did   as    much, — and    so   on; gaining 

ground,  and  making  themselves  masters  of 
the  works  one  after  another,  till  the  town 
fell  into   their   hands. 

To  one  who  took  pleasure  in  the  happy 
state  of  others, — there  could  not  have 
been  a    greater   sight    in    the    world,    than, 

184 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

on  a  post- morning,  in  which  a  practicable 
breach  had  been  made  by  the  duke  of  Marl- 
borough, in  the  main  body  of  the  place, — 
to  have  stood  behind  the  horn- beam  hedge, 
and  observed  the  spirit  with  which  my 
uncle    Toby,  with   Trim  behind    him,    sallied 

forth; the    one  with  the    Gazette    in   his 

hand, — the    other     with     a     spade    on    his 

shoulder  to    execute   the  contents. What 

an  honest  triumph  in  my  uncle  Toby's 
looks  as  he  marched  up  to  the  ramparts! 
What  intense  pleasure  swimming  in  his 
eye  as  he  stood  over  the  corporal,  read- 
ing the  paragraph  ten  times  over  to  him, 
as  he  was  at  work,  lest,  peradventure,  he 
should   make   the   breach  an  inch  too   wide, 

— or   leave   it   an   inch   too    narrow. But 

when  the  chamade  was  beat,  and  the 
corporal  helped  my  uncle  up  it,  and  fol- 
lowed with  the  colours  in  his  hand,  to 
fix  them  upon  the  ramparts  —  Heaven  ! 
Earth  !  Sea  ! but  what  avails  apos- 
trophes?  with  all  your  elements,  wet   or 

dry,  ye  never  compounded  so  intoxicating 
a   draught. 

In     this    track     of    happiness     for     many 
years,    without   one    interruption     to   it,    ex- 

1K5 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

cept  now  and  then  when  the  wind  con- 
tinued to  blow  due  west  for  a  week  or 
ten  days  together,  which  detained  the 
Flanders  mail,  and  kept  them  so  long  in 
torture, — but   still    'twas  the   torture   of  the 

happy In    this    track,    I     say,     did     my 

uncle  Toby  and  Trim  move  for  many 
years,  every  year  of  which,  and  sometimes 
every  month,  from  the  invention  of  either 
the  one  or  the  other  of  them,  adding 
some  new  conceit  or  quirk  of  improve- 
ment to  their  operations,  which  always 
opened  fresh  springs  of  delight  in  carrying 
them  on. 

The  first  year's  campaign  was  carried  on 
from  beginning  to  end,  in  the  plain  and 
simple  method   I've  related. 

In  the  second  year,  in  which  my  uncle 
Toby  took  Liege  and  Ruremond,  he 
thought  he  might  afford  the  expence  of 
four  handsome  draw-bridges,  of  two  of 
which  I  have  given  an  exact  description, 
in   the   former   part   of  my   work. 

At  the  latter  end  of  the  same  year  he 
added   a   couple  of   gates   with   portcullises: 

These    last     were    converted    afterwards 

into  orgues,  as  the  better  thing;  and  during 

186 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

the  winter  of  the  same  year,  my  uncle 
Toby,  instead  of  a  new  suit  of  clothes, 
which  he  always  had  at  Christmas,  treated 
himself  with  a  handsome  sentry-box,  to 
stand  at  the  corner  of  the  bowling-green, 
betwixt  which  point  and  the  foot  of  the 
glacis,  there  was  left  a  little  kind  of  an 
esplanade  for  him  and  the  corporal  to  confer 
and   hold   councils  of  war  upon. 

The  sentry-box  was  in  case  of  rain. 

All  these  were  painted  white  three  times 
over  the  ensuing  spring,  which  enabled  my 
uncle  Toby  to  take  the  field  with  great 
splendour. 

My  father  would  often  say  to  Yorick, 
that  if  any  mortal  in  the  whole  universe 
had  done  such  a  thing,  except  his  brother 
Toby,  it  would  have  been  looked  upon  by 
the  world  as  one  of  the  most  refined  satires 
upon  the  parade  and  prancing  manner,  in 
which  Lewis  XIV.  from  the  beginning  of 
the    war,    but   particularly    that    very    year, 

had    taken    the    field But     'tis    not    my 

brother   Toby's  nature,  kind  soul!  my  father 
would  add,  to  insult  any  one. 

But   let   us   go   on. 


187 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XXIII. 

I  MUST  observe,  that  although  in  the 
first  year's  campaign,  the  word  town 
is  often  mentioned, — yet  there  was  no 
town  at  that  time  within  the  potygon;  that 
addition  was  not  made  till  the  summer  fol- 
lowing the  spring  in  which  the  bridges  and 
sentry-box  were  painted,  which  was  the  third 
year  of  my  uncle  Tobys  campaigns, — when 
upon  his  taking  Amber g,  Bonn,  and  Rhinberg, 
and  Huy  and  Limbourg,  one  after  another, 
a  thought  came  into  the  corporal's  head,  that 
to  talk  of  taking  so  many  towns,  without  one 
town  to  shew  for  it, — was  a  very  nonsensical 
way  of  going  to  work,  and  so  proposed  to 
my  uncle  Toby,  that  they  should  have  a  little 
model  of  a  town  built  for  them, — to  be  run 
up  together  of  slit  deals,  and  then  painted, 
and  clapped  within  the  interior  polygon  to 
serve   for  all. 

My  uncle  Toby  felt  the  good  of  the  pro- 
ject   instantly,    and    instantly   agreed   to   it, 

188 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

but  with  the  addition    of   two    singular   im- 
provements,   of   which    he     was    almost    as 
proud,    as    if  he    had    been   the  original  in 
ventor  of  the   project   itself. 

The  one  was,  to  have  the  town  built  ex- 
actly in  the  style  of  those,  of  which  it  was 

most    likely    to    be   the    representative: 

with  grated  windows,  and  the  gable  ends  of 
the  houses,  facing  the  streets,  &c.  &c. — as 
those  in  Ghent  and  Bruges  and  the  rest  of 
the  towns  in  Brabant  and  Flanders. 

The  other  was,  not  to  have  the  houses 
run  up  together,  as  the  corporal  proposed, 
but  to  have  every  house  independent,  to 
hook  on,  or  off,  so  as  to  form  into  the  plan 
of  whatever  town  they  pleased.  This  was 
put  directly  into  hand,  and  many  and  many 
a  look  of  mutual  congratulation  was  ex- 
changed between  my  uncle  Toby  and  the 
corporal,  as  the  carpenter  did  the  work. 

It    answered    prodigiously    the     next 

summer the  town  was   a  perfect  Proteus 

It  was  Landen,  and  Trerebach,  and  Sant- 

vliet,  and  JDrusen,  and  Hagenau, — and  then 
it  was  Ostend  and  Menin,  and  Aeth  and 
Dendermond. 

Surely    never    did    any   town    act  so 

1 89 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

many  parts,  since  Sodom  and  Gomorrah,  as 
my  uncle  Toby's  town  did. 

In  the  fourth  year,  my  uncle  Toby 
thinking  a  town  looked  foolishly  without 
a   church,    added    a    very    fine    one   with   a 

steeple. Trim    was    for    having    bells    in 

it; my  uncle    Toby  said,   the  metal  had 

better  be   cast  into  cannon. 

This  led  the  way  the  next  campaign  for 
half  a  dozen  brass  field-pieces,  to  be  planted 
three  and  three  on  each  side  of  my  uncle 
Toby's  sentry-box;  and  in  a  short  time, 
these  led  the  way  for  a  train  of  somewhat 
larger, — and  so  on — (as  must  always  be  the 
case  in  hobby-horsical  affairs)  from  pieces  of 
half  an  inch  bore,  till  it  came  at  last  to  my 
father's  jack  boots. 

The  next  year,  which  was  that  in  which 
Lisle  was  besieged,  and  at  the  close  of 
which  both  Ghent  and  Bruges  fell  into  our 
hands, — my  uncle  Toby  was  sadly  put  to  it 

for  proper    ammunition ; 1    say    proper 

ammunition because    his    great   artillery 

would  not  bear  powder;    and  'twas  well  for 

the  Shandy  family  they  would  not For 

so  full  were  the  papers,  from  the  beginning 
to  the  end  of   the   siege,    of  the  incessant 

190 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

firings  kept  up  by  the  besiegers, and  so 

heated  was  my  uncle  Toby's  imagination 
with  the  accounts  of  them,  that  he  had  in- 
fallibly shot  away  all  his  estate. 

Something  therefore  was  wanting,  as  a 
succedaneum,  especially  in  one  or  two  of  the 
more  violent  paroxysms  of  the  siege,  to 
keep  up  something  like  a  continual  firing  in 

the  imagination, and  this  something1,  the 

corporal,  whose  principal  strength  lay  in  in- 
vention, supplied  by  an  entire  new  system 
of  battering  of  his  own, — without  which, 
this  had  been  objected  to  by  military  critics, 
to  the  end  of  the  world,  as  one  of  the  great 
desiderata  of  my  uncle  Toby's  apparatus. 

This  will  not  be  explained  the  worse,  for 
setting  off,  as  I  generally  do,  at  a  little  dis- 
tance from  the  subject. 


191 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER   XXIV. 

WITH  two  or  three  other  trinkets, 
small  in  themselves,  but  of  great 
regard,  which  poor  Tom,  the  cor- 
poral's unfortunate  brother,  had  sent  him 
over,  with  the  account  of  his  marriage  with 
the  Jew's  widow there  was 

A  Montero-cap  and  two  Turkish  tobacco- 
pipes. 

The  Montero-c&i)  I  shall  describe  by  and 

bye. The     Turkish    tobacco-pipes     had 

nothing  particular  in  them,  they  were  fitted 
up  and  ornamented  as  usual,  with  flexible 
tubes  of  Morocco  leather  and  gold  wire, 
and  mounted  at  their  ends,  the  one  of  them 
with  ivory,  —  the  other  with  black  ebony, 
tipp'd  with  silver. 

My  father,  who  saw  all  things  in  lights 
different  from  the  rest  of  the  world,  would 
say  to  the  corporal,  that  he  ought  to  look 
upon  these  two  presents  more  as  tokens  of 

his   brother's   nicety,  than  his  affection. 

Tom  did  not  care,    Trim,  he  would  say,  to 

19* 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

put  on  the  cap,  or  to  smoke  in  the  tobacco- 
pipe  of  a  Jew. God  bless  your  honour, 

the  corporal  would  say,  (giving  a  strong 
reason  to  the  contrary) — how  can  that  be? 

The  Montero-cap  was  scarlet,  of  a  super- 
fine Spanish  cloth,  dyed  in  grain,  and 
mounted  all  round  with  fur,  except  about 
four  inches  in  the  front,  which  was  faced 
with  a  light  blue,  slightly  embroidered, — and 
seemed  to  have  been  the  property  of  a 
Portuguese  quartermaster,  not  of  foot,  but 
of  horse,  as  the  word  denotes. 

The  corporal  was  not  a  little  proud  of  it, 
as  well  for  its  own  sake,  as  the  sake  of  the 
giver,  so  seldom  or  never  put  it  on  but 
upon  Gal  a- days;  and  yet  never  was  a 
Montero-cap  put  to  so  many  uses;  for  in 
all  controverted  points,  whether  military  or 
culinary,  provided  the  corporal  was  sure  he 
was  in  the  right, — it  was  either  his  oath, — 
his  wager, — or  his  gift. 

'Twas  his  gift  in  the  present  case. 

I'll  be  bound,  said  the  corporal,  speaking 
to  himself,  to  give  away  my  Montero-cap 
to  the  first  beggar  who  comes  to  the  door, 
if  I  do  not  manage  this  matter  to  his  hon- 
our's satisfaction. 

193 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

The  completion  was  no  further  off,  than 
the  very  next  morning;  which  was  that  of 
the  storm  of  the  counterscarp  betwixt  the 
Lower  Deule,  to  the  right,  and  the  gate  St 
Andrew,  —  and  on  the  left,  between  St 
Magdalen's  and  the  river. 

As  this  was  the  most  memorable  attack 
in  the  whole  war, — the  most  gallant  and 
obstinate  on  both  sides, — and  I  must  add 
the  most  bloody  too,  for  it  cost  the  allies 
themselves  that  morning  above  eleven  hun- 
dred men, — my  uncle  Toby  prepared  him- 
self for  it  with  a  more  than  ordinary  solem- 
nity. 

The  eve  which  preceded,  as  my  uncle 
Toby  went  to  bed,  he  ordered  his  ramallie 
wig,  which  had  laid  inside  out  for  many 
years  in  the  corner  of  an  old  campaigning 
trunk,  which  stood  by  his  bedside,  to  be 
taken  out  and  laid  upon  the  lid  of  it,  ready 
for  the  morning; — and  the  very  first  thing 
he  did  in  his  shirt,  when  he  had  stepped 
out  of  bed,  my  uncle  Toby,  after  he  had 
turned  the  rough  side  outwards, — put  it  on: 

This    done,    he   proceeded   next   to    his 

breeches,  and  having  buttoned  the  waist- 
band, he   forthwith   buckled    on    his    sword- 

194 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

belt,  and  had  got  his  sword  half  way  in, — 
when  he  considered  he  should  want  shaving, 
and  that  it  would  be  very  inconvenient  do- 
ing it  with   his  sword  on, — so  took  it  off: 

In   assaying   to   put   on   his    regimental 

coat  and  waistcoat,  my  uncle  Toby  found 
the  same  objection  in  his  wig,  —  so  that 
went  off  too: — So  that  what  with  one  thing 
and  what  with  another,  as  always  falls  out 
when  a  man  is  in  the  most  haste, — 'twas 
ten  o'clock,  which  was  half  an  hour  later 
than  his  usual  time,  before  my  uncle  Toby 
sallied  out. 


CHAPTER   XXV. 

MY  uncle    Toby  had   scarce  turned   the 
corner    of    his     yew    hedge,    which 
separated     his    kitchen-garden    from 
his    bowling-green,  when    he    perceived    the 
corporal     had     begun     the     attack     without 

him. 

Let  me   stop   and   give  you   a  picture  of 
the  corporal's  apparatus;  and  of  the  corporal 

195 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

himself  in  the  height  of  his  attack,  just  as  it 
struck  my  uncle  Toby,  as  he  turned  towards 
the    sentry-box,   where   the   corporal   was   at 

work, for    in    nature    there    is    not    such 

another, nor  can  any  combination  of  all 

that  is  grotesque  and  whimsical  in  her  works 
produce  its  equal. 

The  corporal 

Tread  lightly  on  his  ashes,  ye  men  of 


genius, for  he  was  your  kinsman: 

Weed  his  grave  clean,  ye  men  of  good- 
ness,—  for  he  was  your  brother.  —  Oh  cor- 
poral! had  I  thee,  but  now, — now,  that  I 
am  able  to  give  thee  a  dinner  and  protec- 
tion,— how  would  I  cherish  thee  I  thou 
should'st  wear  thy  Montero-cap  every  hour 
of  the  day,  and  every  day  of  the  week, — 
and  when  it  was  worn  out,  I  would  pur- 
chase  thee   a   couple   like   it : But   alas ! 

alas!  alas!  now  that  I  can  do  this  in  spite 
of  their  reverences  —  the  occasion  is  lost — 
for  thou  art  gone; — thy  genius  fled  up  to 
the  stars  from  whence  it  came; — and  that 
warm  heart  of  thine,  with  all  its  generous 
and  open  vessels,  compressed  into  a  clod  of 
the  valley! 

But   what what   is    this,    to    that 

196 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

future  and  dreaded  page,  where  I  look  to- 
wards the  velvet  pall,  decorated  with  the 
military  ensigns   of  thy   master — the  first — 

the   foremost   of  created   beings; where, 

I  shall  see  thee,  faithful  servant!  laying  his 
swcrd  and  scabbard  with  a  trembling  hand 
across  his  coffin,  and  then  returning  pale  as 
ashes  to  the  door,  to  take  his  mourning 
horse    by   the    bridle,    to    follow   his   hearse, 

as    he    directed    thee ; where  —  all    my 

father's  systems  shall  be  baffled  by  his  sor- 
rows; and,  in  spite  of  his  philosophy,  I  shall 
behold  him,  as  he  inspects  the  lackered 
plate,  twice  taking  his  spectacles  from  off 
his  nose,  to  wipe  away  the  dew  which  na- 
ture  has   shed   upon   them When    I    see 

him  cast  in  the  rosemary  with  an  air  of 
disconsolation,  which  cries  through  my  ears, 

O    Toby!   in   what   corner  of  the  world 

shall  I  seek  thy  fellow? 

Gracious     powers  I     which    erst    have 

opened  the  lips  of  the  dumb  in  his  dis- 
tress, and  made  the  tongue  of  the  stam- 
merer speak  plain when  I  shall  arrive  at 

this  dreaded  page,  deal  not  with  me,  then, 
with  a  stinted  hand. 


197 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XXVI. 

THE  corporal,  who  the  night  before  had 
resolved  in  his  mind  to  supply  the 
grand  desideratum,  of  keeping  up 
something  like  an  incessant  firing  upon  the 
enemy  during  the  heat  of  the  attack, — had 
no  further  idea  in  his  fancy  at  that  time, 
than  a  contrivance  of  smoking  tobacco 
against  the  town,  out  of  one  of  my  uncle 
Toby's  six  field-pieces,  which  were  planted 
on  each  side  of  his  sentry-box;  the  means 
of  effecting  which  occurring  to  his  fancy  at 
the  same  time,  though  he  had  pledged  his 
cap,  he  thought  it  in  no  danger  from  the 
miscarriage  of  his  projects. 

Upon  turning  it  this  way,  and  that,  a 
little  in  his  mind,  he  soon  began  to  find 
out,  that  by  means  of  his  two  Turkish 
tobacco-pipes,  with  the  supplement  of  three 
smaller  tubes  of  wash-leather  at  each  of 
their  lower  ends,  to  be  tagg'd  by  the  same 
number   of   tin-pipes    fitted    to    the    touch- 

198 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

holes,  and  sealed  with  clay  next  the  can- 
non, and  then  tied  hermetically  with  waxed 
silk  at  their  several  insertions  into  the  Mo- 
rocco tube, — he  should  be  able  to  fire  the 
six   field- pieces    all   together,    and    with    the 

same  ease  as  to  fire  one. 

Let  no  man  say  from  what  taggs  and 


jaggs  hints  may  not  be  cut  out  for  the  ad- 
vancement of  human  knowledge.  Let  no 
man  who  has  read  my  father's  first  and 
second  beds  of  justice,  ever  rise  up  and  say 
again,  from  collision  of  what  kinds  of  bodies, 
light  may  or  may  not  be  struck  out,  to  carry 

the   arts   and  sciences  up  to  perfection. 

Heaven  I    thou   knowest   how   I    love   them; 

thou  knowest   the  secrets  of  my  heart, 

and  that   I   would    this    moment    give    my 

shirt Thou     art     a    fool,     Shandy,     says 

Eugenius,    for    thou    hast    but    a    dozen    in 

the   world, — and  'twill  break  thy  set. 

No  matter  for  that,  Eugenius ;  I  would 
give  the  shirt  off  my  back  to  be  burned 
into  tinder,  were  it  only  to  satisfy  one 
feverish  enquirer,  how  many  sparks  at  one 
good    stroke,    a    good    flint   and   steel   could 

strike  into  the  tail  of  it. Think  ye  not 

that   in  striking  these  in, —  he   might,    per- 

199 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

adventure,  strike  something  out?  as  sure  as 

a  gun. 

But  this  project,  by  the  bye. 


The  corporal  sat  up  the  best  part  of  the 
night  in  bringing  his  to  perfection;  and  hav- 
ing made  a  sufficient  proof  of  his  cannon, 
with  charging  them  to  the  top  with  tobac- 
co,— he  went  with  contentment  to  bed. 


CHAPTER    XXVII. 

THE  corporal  had  slipped  out  about  ten 
minutes  before  my  uncle   Toby,  in  or- 
der to  fix  his  apparatus,  and  just  give 
the   enemy  a   shot  or  two  before   my  uncle 
Toby  came. 

He  had  drawn  the  six  field- pieces  for  this 
end,  all  close  up  together  in  front  of  my 
uncle  Toby's  sentry-box,  leaving  only  an  in- 
terval of  about  a  yard  and  a  half  betwixt 
the  three,  on  the  right  and  left,  for  the 
convenience  of  charging,  &c. — and  the  sake 
possibly  of  two  batteries,  which  he  might 
think  double  the  honour  of  one. 

200 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

In  the  rear,  and  facing  this  opening,  witn 
his  back  to  the  door  of  the  sentry-box,  for 
fear  of  being  flanked,  had  the  corporal  wisely 

taken  his  post: He  held  the  ivory  pipe, 

appertaining  to  the  battery  on  the  right, 
betwixt  the  finger  and  thumb  of  his  right 
hand, — and  the  ebony  pipe  tipp'd  with  sil- 
ver, which  appertained  to  the  battery  on  the 
left,   betwixt    the    finger   and   thumb  of  the 

other and  with  his  right  knee  fixed  firm 

upon  the  ground,  as  if  in  the  front  rank  of 
his  platoon,  was  the  corporal,  with  his  Mon- 
tero-cap  upon  his  head,  furiously  playing  off 
his  two  cross  batteries  at  the  same  time 
against  the  counter-guard,  which  faced  the 
counterscarp,  where  the  attack  was  to  be 
made  that  morning.  His  first  intention,  as 
I  said,  was  no  more  than  giving  the  enemy 
a  single  puff  or  two; — but  the  pleasure  of 
the  puffs,  as  well  as  the  puffing,  had  in- 
sensibly got  hold  of  the  corporal,  and  drawn 
him  on  from  puff  to  puff,  into  the  very 
height  of  the  attack,  by  the  time  my  uncle 
Toby  joined  him. 

'Twas  well  for  my  father,  that  my  uncle 
Toby  had  not  his  will  to  make  that  day. 


201 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XXVIII. 

MY  uncle  Toby  took  the  ivory  pipe  out 
of  the  corporal's  hand, — looked  at  it 
for  half  a  minute,  and  returned  it. 

In  less  than  two  minutes,  my  uncle  Toby 
took  the  pipe  from  the  corporal  again,  and 

raised    it    half   way    to    his    mouth then 

hastily  gave  it  back  a  second  time. 

The  corporal  redoubled  the  attack, my 

uncle    Toby  smiled, then   looked  grave, 

then    smiled    for    a    moment, then 

looked  serious  for  a  long  time; Give  me 

hold  of  the  ivory  pipe,  Trim,  said  my  uncle 

Toby my  uncle  Toby  put  it  to  his  lips, 

drew   it   back   directly, gave   a   peep 

over  the  horn- beam  hedge; never  did  my 

uncle    Toby's  mouth   water  so    much   for  a 

pipe   in   his   life. My  uncle  Toby  retired 

into  the  sentry-box  with  the  pipe  in  his 
hand. 

Dear  uncle   Toby!  don't   go   into   the 

sentry-box  with  the  pipe, — there's  no  trusting 
a  man's  self  with  such  a  thing  in  such  a 
corner. 

202 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER   XXIX. 

I  BEG  the  reader  will  assist  me  here,  to 
wheel   off   my   uncle    Toby's    ordnance 

behind    the    scenes, to    remove    his 

sentry-box,  and  clear  the  theatre,  if  possible, 
of  horn- works  and  half  moons,  and  get  the 
rest   of   his    military   apparatus    out   of   the 

way; that  done,  my  dear  friend  Garrick, 

we'll  snuff  the  candles  bright, — sweep  the 
stage  with  a  new  broom, — draw  up  the  cur- 
tain, and  exhibit  my  uncle  Toby  dressed  in  a 
new  character,  throughout  which  the  world 
can  have  no  idea  how  he  will  act:  and  yet, 
if  pity  be  a-kin  to  love, — and  bravery  no 
alien  to  it,  you  have  seen  enough  of  my 
uncle  Toby  in  these,  to  trace  these  family 
likenesses,  betwixt  the  two  passions  (in  case 
there  is  one)  to  your  heart's  content. 

Vain  science!  thou  assistest  us  in  no  case 
of  this  kind — and  thou  puzzlest  us  in  every 
one. 

There  was,  Madam,  in  my  uncle  Toby,  a 
singleness  of  heart  which  misled  him  so  far 
out  of  the  little  serpentine  tracks  in  which 

203 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

things  of  this  nature  usually  go  on;  you 
can  —  you  can  have  no  conception  of  it : 
with  this,  there  was  a  plainness  and  sim- 
plicity of  thinking,  with  such  an  unmistrust- 
ing   ignorance   of  the   plies   and   foldings   of 

the  heart  of  woman; and  so  naked  and 

defenceless  did  he  stand  before  you,  (when 
a  siege  was  out  of  his  head)  that  you  might 
have  stood  behind  any  one  of  your  serpen- 
tine walks,  and  shot  my  uncle  Toby  ten 
times  in  a  day,  through  his  liver,  if  nine 
times  in  a  day,  Madam,  had  not  served 
your  purpose. 

With  all  this,  Madam,  —  and  what  con- 
founded every  thing  as  much  on  the  other 
hand,  my  uncle  Toby  had  that  unparalleled 
modesty  of  nature  I  once  told  you  of,  and 
which,  by  the  bye,  stood  eternal  sentry  upon 

his  feelings,  that  you  might  as  soon But 

where  am  I  going  ?  these  reflections  crowd 
in  upon  me  ten  pages  at  least  too  soon, 
and  take  up  that  time,  which  I  ought  to 
bestow  upon  facts. 


204 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDV 


CHAPTER   XXX. 

OF  the  few  legitimate  sons  of  Adam, 
whose  breasts  never  felt  what  the 
sting  of  love  was, — (maintaining  first, 
all  mysogynists  to  be  bastards) — the  greatest 
heroes  of  ancient  and  modern  story  have 
carried  off  amongst  them,  nine  parts  in  ten 
of  the  honour;  and  I  wish  for  their  sakes  I 
had  the  key  of  my  study  out  of  my  draw- 
well,  only  for  five  minutes,  to  tell  you  their 
names — recollect  them  I  cannot — so  be  con- 
tent  to  accept  of  these,  for  the  present,    in 

their  stead. 

There   was    the    great    king   Aldrovandus, 
and  JSosphorus,  and   Cappadocius,  and  Dar- 

danus,    and    Pontus,    and    Asius, to   say 

nothing  of  the  iron- hearted  Charles  the 
Xllth,  whom  the  Countess  of  K#**#*  her- 
self could   make   nothing   of. There   was 

Babylonicus,  and  Mediterraneus,  and  Police- 
enes,  and  Persicus,  and  Prusicus,  not  one  of 
whom  (except  Cappadocius  and  Pontus,  who 
were     both    a    little    suspected)     ever    once 

2Q5 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

bowed   down  his  breast  to  the  goddess 

The  truth  is,  they  had  all  of  them  some- 
thing else  to  do  —  and  so  had  my  uncle 
Toby — till  Fate — till  Fate  I  say,  envying 
his  name  the  glory  of  being  handed  down 
to  posterity  with  Aldrovandus' s  and  the 
rest, — she  basely  patched  up  the  peace  of 
Utrecht. 

Believe    me,    Sirs,    'twas    the    worst 

deed   she   did   that  year. 


CH AFTER    XXXI. 

AMONGST  the  many  ill  consequences 
of  the  treaty  of  Utrecht,  it  was  within 
a  point  of  giving  my  uncle  Toby  a 
surfeit  of  sieges;  and  though  he  recovered 
his  appetite  afterwards,  yet  Calais  itself  left 
not  a  deeper  scar  in  Mary's  heart,  than 
Utrecht  upon  my  uncle  Toby's.  To  the 
end  of  his  life  he  never  could  hear  Utrecht 
mentioned  upon  any  account  whatever, — or 
so  much  as  read  an  article  of  news  ex- 
tracted out  of  the  Utrecht  Gazette,  without 

206 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

fetching  a  sigh,  as  if  his  heart  would  break 
in  twain. 

My  father,  who  was  a  great  motive- 
monger,  and  consequently  a  very  dangerous 
person  for  a  man  to  sit  by,  either  laughing 
or  crying, — for  he  generally  knew  your  mo- 
tive for  doing  both,  much  better  than  you 
knew  it  yourself — would  always  console  my 
uncle  Toby  upon  these  occasions,  in  a  way, 
which  shewed  plainly,  he  imagined  my  uncle 
Toby  grieved  for  nothing  in  the  whole  affair, 

so  much  as  the  loss  of  his  hobby-horse. 

Never  mind,  brother  Toby,  he  would  say, — 
by  God's  blessing  we  shall  have  another  war 
break  out  again  some  of  these  days;  and 
when  it  does,  —  the  belligerent  powers,  if 
they   would    hang    themselves,    cannot   keep 

us   out   of   play. 1    defy   'em,    my   dear 

Toby,  he  would  add,  to  take  countries 
without  taking  towns, or  towns  with- 
out sieges. 

My  uncle  Toby  never  took  this  back- 
stroke of  my  father's  at  his  hobby-horse 
kindly. He  thought  the  stroke  ungener- 
ous; and  the  more  so,  because  in  striking 
the  horse,  he  hit  the  rider  too,  and  in  the 
most  dishonourable   part  a   blow  could    fall; 

SOT 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

so  that  upon  these  occasions,  he  always  laid 
down  his  pipe  upon  the  table  with  more 
fire  to  defend  himself  than  common. 

I  told  the  reader,  this  time  two  years, 
that  my  uncle  Toby  was  not  eloquent;  and 
in  the  very  same  page  gave  an  instance  to 

the   contrary: 1   repeat  the    observation, 

and  a  fact  which  contradicts  it  again.  —  He 
was  not  eloquent, — it  was  not  easy  to  my 
uncle  Toby  to  make  long  harangues, — and 
he  hated  florid  ones;  but  there  were  occa- 
sions where  the  stream  overflowed  the  man, 
and  ran  so  counter  to  its  usual  course,  that 
in   some   parts   my  uncle  Toby,  for  a  time, 

was   at   least   equal   to    Tertullus but   in 

others,  in  my  own  opinion,  infinitely  above 
him. 

My  father  was  so  highly  pleased  with  one 
of  these  apologetical  orations  of  my  uncle 
Toby's,  which  he  had  delivered  one  even- 
ing before  him  and  Yorick,  that  he  wrote 
it  down  before  he  went  to  bed. 

I  have  had  the  good  fortune  to  meet 
with  it  amongst  my  father's  papers,  with 
here  and  there  an  insertion  of  his  own, 
betwixt    two    crooks,    thus    [  ],    and    is 

endorsed, 

208 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

MY  BROTHER  TOBY'S  JUSTIFICATION  OF  HIS 
OWN  PRINCIPLES  AND  CONDUCT  IN  WISH- 
ING   TO    CONTINUE    THE    WAR. 

I  may  safely  say,  I  have  read  over  this 
apologetical  oration  of  my  uncle  Toby's  a 
hundred  times,  and  think  it  so  fine  a  model 
of  defence, — and  shews  so  sweet  a  tempera- 
ment of  gallantry  and  good  principles  in 
him,  that  I  give  it  the  world,  word  for 
word  (interlineations  and  all),  as  I  find  it. 


CHAPTER    XXXII. 

MY    UNCLE    TOBY'S    APOLOGETICAL   ORATION. 

I  AM  not  insensible,  brother  Shandy,  that 
when  a  man,  whose  profession  is  arms, 
wishes,    as    I    have   done,    for   war, — it 

has  an  ill  aspect  to  the  world; and  that, 

how  just  and  right  soever  his  motives  and 
intentions  may  be, — he  stands  in  an  uneasy 
posture  in  vindicating  himself  from  private 
views  in  doing  it. 

209 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

For  this  cause,  if  a  soldier  is  a  prudent 
man,  which  he  may  be,  without  being  a  jot 
the  less  brave,  he  will  be  sure  not  to  utter 
his  wish  in  the  hearing  of  an  enemy;  for 
say  what  he  will,  an  enemy  will  not  believe 

him. He  will    be    cautious   of  doing  it 

even  to  a  friend, — lest  he  may  suffer  in  his 

esteem: But  if  his  heart  is  overcharged, 

and  a  secret  sigh  for  arms  must  have  its 
vent,  he  will  reserve  it  for  the  ear  of  a 
brother,  who  knows  his  character  to  the 
bottom,  and  what  his  true  notions,  disposi- 
tions, and  principles  of  honour  are:  What, 
I  hope,  I  have  been  in  all  these,  brother 
Shandy,   would    be    unbecoming    in    me   to 

say: much  worse,  I   know,  have  I  been 

than  I  ought, — and  something  worse,  per- 
haps, than  I  think:  But  such  as  I  am,  you, 
my  dear  brother  Shandy,  who  have  sucked 
the  same  breasts  with  me, — and  with  whom 
I  have  been  brought  up  from  my  cradle, — 
and  from  whose  knowledge,  from  the  first 
hours  of  our  boyish  pastimes,  down  to  this, 
I  have  concealed  no  one  action  of  my  life, 

and   scarce  a  thought  in   it Such   as   I 

am,  brother,  you  must  by  this  time  know 
me,    with    all    my   vices    and   with    all    my 

210 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

weaknesses  too,  whether  of  my  age,  my 
temper,   my  passions,  or  my  understanding. 

Tell  me  then,  my  dear  brother  Shandy, 
upon  which  of  them  it  is,  that  when  I  con- 
demned the  peace  of  Utrecht,  and  grieved 
the  war  was  not  carried  on  with  vigour  a 
little  longer,  you  should  think  your  brother 
did  it  upon  unworthy  views;  or  that  in 
wishing  for  war,  he  should  be  bad  enough 
to  wish  more  of  his  fellow-creatures  slain, — 
more  slaves  made,  and  more  families  driven 
from  their  peaceful  habitations,  merely  for  his 

own  pleasure: Tell  me,  brother  Shandy, 

upon  what  one  deed  of  mine  do  you  ground 
it?  [The  devil  a  deed  do  I  know  of,  dear 
Toby,  but  one  for  a  hundred  pounds,  which 
I  lent  thee  to  carry  on  these  cursed  sieges.] 

If,  when  I  was  a  school-boy,  I  could  not 
hear  a  drum  beat,  but  my  heart  beat  with 

it — was    it   my  fault  ? Did    I    plant   the 

propensity  there? Did  I  sound  the  alarm 

within,  or  Nature? 

When  Guy,  Earl  of  Warwick,  and  Parismus 
and  Parismenus,  and  Valentine  and  Orson,  and 
the  Seven  Champions  of  England  were  handed 
around  the  school, — were  they  not  all  pur- 
chased with   my  own   pocket-money?     Was 

211 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

that  selfish,  brother  Shandy?  When  we  read 
over   the   siege  of   Troy,  which   lasted   ten 

years    and    eight    months, though    with 

such  a  train  of  artillery  as  we  had  at 
Namur,  the  town  might  have  been  carried 
in  a  week — was  1  not  as  much  concerned 
for  the  destruction  of  the  Greeks  and  Tro- 
jans as  any  boy  of  the  whole  school?  Had 
I  not  three  strokes  of  a  ferula  given  me, 
two  on  my  right  hand,  and  one  on  my  left, 
for  calling  Helena  a  bitch  for  it  ?  Did  any 
one  of  you  shed  more  tears  for  Hector  ? 
And  when  king  Priam  came  to  the  camp 
to  beg  his  body,  and  returned  weeping  back 
to   Troy  without  it, — you  know,  brother,  I 

could  not  eat  my  dinner. 

Did  that  bespeak  me  cruel  ?     Or  be- 


cause, brother  Shandy,  my  blood  flew  out 
into  the  camp,  and  my  heart  panted  for 
war, — was  it  a  proof  it  could  not  ache  for 
the  distresses  of  war  too? 

O  brother!  'tis  one  thing  for  a  soldier  to 
gather   laurels, — and   'tis    another   to   scatter 

cypress. [  Who   told  thee,  my  dear  Toby, 

that  cypress  was  used  by  the  antients  on 
mournful  occasions?] 

'Tis  one  thing,  brother  Shandy,  for  a 

212 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

soldier  to  hazard  his  own  life — to  leap  first 
down   into  the  trench,  where  he  is  sure  to 

be   cut   in   pieces: 'Tis    one   thing,  from 

public  spirit  and  a  thirst  of  glory,  to  enter 
the  breach  the  first  man, — To  stand  in  the 
foremost  rank,  and  march  bravely  on  with 
drums    and    trumpets,     and    colours    flying 

about   his   ears: 'Tis  one  thing,    I    say, 

brother  Shandy,  to  do  this, — and  'tis  another 
thing  to  reflect  on  the  miseries  of  war; — to 
view  the  desolations  of  whole  countries,  and 
consider  the  intolerable  fatigues  and  hard- 
ships which  the  soldier  himself,  the  instru- 
ment who  works  them,  is  forced  (for  six- 
pence a  day,  if  he  can  get  it)  to  undergo. 

Need  I  be  told,  dear  Yorick,  as  I  was  by 
you,  in  Le  Fever's  funeral  sermon,  That  so 
soft  and  gentle  a  creature,  born  to  love,  to 
mercy,    and    kindness,    as    man    is,    was    not 

shaped  for  this? But  why  did   you  not 

add,  Yorick, — if  not  by  nature — that  he  is 

so  by  necessity? For  what  is  war?  what 

is  it,  Yorick,  when  fought  as  ours  has  been, 
upon  principles  of  liberty,  and  upon  prin- 
ciples of  honour what  is  it,  but  the  get- 
ting together  of  quiet  and  harmless  people, 
with   their  swords   in  their  hands,    to   keep 

213 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

the  ambitious  and  the  turbulent  within 
bounds  ?  And  heaven  is  my  witness, 
brother  Shandy,  that  the  pleasure  I  have 
taken  in  these  things,  —  and  that  infinite 
delight,  in  particular,  which  has  attended 
my  sieges  in  my  bowling-green,  has  arose 
within  me,  and  I  hope  in  the  corporal  too, 
from  the  consciousness  we  both  had,  that  in 
carrying  them  on,  we  were  answering  the 
great  ends  of  our  creation. 


CHAPTER    XXXIII. 

I    TOLD    the    Christian    reader 1    say 
Christian hoping   he    is   one and 

if  he  is  not,   I  am  sorry  for  it and 

only  beg  he  will  consider  the  matter  with 
himself,  and  not  lay  the  blame  entirely  upon 

this  book 

I  told  him,  Sir for  in  good  truth,  when 

a  man  is  telling  a  story  in  the  strange  way 
I  do  mine,  he  is  obliged  continually  to  be 
going  backwards  and  forwards  to  keep  all 
tight    together    in    the    reader's     fancy 

214 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

which,  for  my  own  part,  if  I  did  not  take 
heed  to  do  more  than  at  first,  there  is  so 
much  unfixed  and  equivocal  matter  starting 
up,  with  so  many  breaks  and  gaps  in  it, — 
and  so  little  service  do  the  stars  afford, 
which,  nevertheless,  I  hang  up  in  some  of 
the  darkest  passages,  knowing  that  the  world 
is  apt  to  lose  its  way,  with  all  the  lights 

the  sun  itself  at  noon- day  can  give  it 

and  now  you  see,  I  am  lost  myself! 

But  'tis  my  father's  fault;  and  when- 


ever my  brains  come  to  be  dissected,  you 
will  perceive,  without  spectacles,  that  he  has 
left  a  large  uneven  thread,  as  you  sometimes 
see  in  an  unsaleable  piece  of  cambrick,  run- 
ning along  the  whole  length  of  the  web, 
and  so  untowardly,  you  cannot  so  much  as 
cut  out  a  *  *,  (here  I  hang  up  a  couple  of 

lights  again) or  a  fillet,  or  a  thumb-stall, 

but  it  is  seen  or  felt. 

Quanto  id  diligentius  in  liberis  procreandis 
cavendum,  sayeth  Cardan.  All  which  being 
considered,  and  that  you  see  'tis  morally 
impracticable  for  me  to  wind  this  round  to 
where  I  set  out 

I  begin  the  chapter  over  again. 


815 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XXXIV. 

I  TOLD  the  Christian  reader  in  the  be- 
ginning of  the  chapter  which  preceded 
my  uncle  Toby's  apologetical  oration, 
— though  in  a  different  trope  from  what  I 
should  make  use  of  now,  That  the  peace  of 
Utrecht  was  within  an  ace  of  creating  the 
same  shyness  betwixt  my  uncle  Toby  and 
his  hobby-horse,  as  it  did  betwixt  the  queen 
and  the  rest  of  the  confederating  powers. 

There  is  an  indignant  way  in  which  a 
man  sometimes  dismounts  his  horse,  which 
as  good  as  says  to  him,  "I'll  go  afoot,  Sir, 
all  the  days  of  my  life,  before  I  would  ride 
a  single  mile  upon  your  back  again."  Now 
my  uncle  Toby  could  not  be  said  to  dis- 
mount his  horse  in  this  manner;  for  in 
strictness  of  language,  he  could  not  be  said 

to    dismount    his    horse    at    all his    horse 

rather  flung  him and  somewhat  viciously, 

which    made    my    uncle    Toby   take    it   ten 
times   more   unkindly.     Let  this   matter  be 

settled    by  state-jockies    as    they   like. It 

created,    I    say,    a   sort   of  shyness    betwixt 

216 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

my  uncle  Toby  and  his  hobby-horse. He 

had  no  occasion  for  him  from  the  month  of 
March  to  November,  which  was  the  summer 
after  the  articles  were  signed,  except  it  was 
now  and  then  to  take  a  short  ride  out,  just 
to  see  that  the  fortifications  and  harbour  of 
Dunkirk  were  demolished,  according  to  stipu- 
lation. 

The  French  were  so  backwards  all  that 
summer  in  setting  about  that  affair,  and 
Monsieur  Tugghe,  the  Deputy  from  the 
magistrates  of  Dunkirk,  presented  so  many 
affecting  petitions  to  the  queen, — beseeching 
her  majesty  to  cause  only  her  thunder- bolts 
to  fall  upon  the  martial  works,  which  might 
have  incurred  her  displeasure, — but  to  spare 
— to  spare  the  mole,  for  the  mole's  sake; 
which,   in  its  naked  situation,  could   be   no 

more    than    an    object    of   pity and    the 

queen  (who  was  but  a  woman)  being  of  a 
pitiful  disposition, — and  her  ministers  also, 
they  not  wishing  in  their  hearts  to  have  the 
town  dismantled,  for  these  private  reasons,  # 

*  tt  'Tr  "TF  "JF  tT  tt  tF  * 


# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

# 

217 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

*  *  #;  so  that  the  whole  went  heavily 
on  with  my  uncle  Toby;  insomuch,  that  it 
was  not  within  three  full  months,  after  he 
and  the  corporal  had  constructed  the  town, 
and  put  it  in  a  condition  to  be  destroyed, 
that  the  several  commandants,  commissaries, 
deputies,  negociators,  and  intendants,  would 
permit  him  to  set  about  it. Fatal  inter- 
val of  inactivity! 

The  corporal  was  for  beginning  the  de- 
molition, by  making  a  breach  in  the  ram- 
parts, or  main  fortifications  of  the  town 

No, — that  will  never  do,  corporal,  said  my 
uncle  Toby,  for  in  going  that  way  to  work 
with  the  town,  the  English  garrison  will  not 
be  safe  in  it  an  hour;  because  if  the  French 

are  treacherous They  are   as   treacherous 

as  devils,  an'  please  your   honour,  said   the 

corporal It    gives    me    concern    always 

when  I  hear  it,  Trim,  said  ray  uncle  Toby, 
— for  they  don't  want  personal  bravery;  and 
if  a  breach  is  made  in  the  ramparts,  they 
may  enter  it,  and  make  themselves  masters 

of  the  place  when  they  please: Let  them 

enter  it,  said  the  corporal,  lifting  up  his 
pioneer's  spade  in  both  his  hands,  as  if  he 
was   going  to   lay   about   him   with   it, — let 

218 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

them  enter,  an'  please  your  honour,  if  they 

dare. In    cases   like   this,    corporal,    said 

my  uncle  Toby,  slipping  his  right  hand 
down  to  the  middle  of  his  cane,  and  hold- 
ing  it   afterwards   truncheon-wise,    with    his 

fore-finger  extended, 'tis  no  part  of  the 

consideration  of  a  commandant,  what  the 
enemy  dare, — or  what  they  dare  not  do;  he 
must  act  with  prudence.  We  will  begin 
with  the  outworks  both  towards  the  sea 
and  the  land,  and  particularly  with  fort 
Louis,  the  most  distant  of  them  all,  and 
demolish  it  first, — and  the  rest,  one  by  one, 
both   on   our  right   and   left,  as  we   retreat 

towards   the   town; then  we'll   demolish 

the  mole, — next  fill  up  the  harbour, — then 
retire  into  the  citadel,  and  blow  it  up  into 
the   air;    and    having    done    that,    corporal, 

we'll    embark    for    England. We     are 

there,  quoth  the  corporal,  recollecting  him- 
self  Very    true,    said    my    uncle    Toby — 

looking  at  the  church. 


f!9 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER   XXXV. 

A  DELUSIVE,  delicious  consultation  or 
two  of  this  kind,  betwixt  my  uncle 
Toby  and  Trim,  upon  the  demolition 
of  Dunkirk, — for  a  moment  rallied  back  the 
ideas  of  those  pleasures,  which  were  slipping 

from   under  him: still — still  all  went  on 

heavily the    magic    left    the    mind    the 

weaker — Stillness,  with  Silence  at  her 
back,  entered  the  solitary  parlour,  and  drew 
their  gauzy   mantle  over   my   uncle    Toby's 

head; and    Listlessness,    with    her    lax 

fibre   and   undirected   eye,  sat  quietly   down 

beside  him  in  his  arm-chair. No  longer 

Amber g,  and  Rhinberg,  and  Limbourg,  and 
Huy,  and  Bonn,  in  one  year, — and  the 
prospect  of  Landen,  and  Trerebach,  and 
Drusen,  and  Dendermond,  the  next, — hur- 
ried on  the  blood: — No  longer  did  saps,  and 
mines,  and  blinds,  and  gabions,  and  palisa- 
does,  keep  out  this  fair  enemy  of  man's  re- 
pose:  No   more  could   my   uncle    Toby, 

after  passing  the  French  lines,  as  he  eat  his 

220 


OF  TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

egg  at  supper,  from  thence  break  into  the 
heart  of  France, — cross  over  the  Oyes,  and 
with  all  Picardie  open  behind  him,  march 
up   to   the   gates   of  Paris,  and    fall    asleep 

with    nothing    but    ideas    of   glory: No 

more  was  he  to  dream,  he  had  fixed  the 
royal  standard  upon  the  tower  of  the  Hos- 
tile, and  awake  with  it  streaming  in  his 
head. 

Softer     visions,  —  gentler     vibrations 

stole  sweetly  in  upon  his  slumbers; — the 
trumpet  of  war  fell  out  of  his  hands, — he 
took  up  the  lute,  sweet  instrument!  of  all 
others  the  most  delicate!  the  most  difficult! 

how  wilt  thou  touch  it,  my  dear  uncle 

Toby  ? 


CHAPTER    XXXVI. 

NOW,    because    I    have    once    or   twice 
said,    in    my    inconsiderate    way    of 
talking,    That    I    was    confident    the 
following    memoirs    of    my     uncle     Toby's 
courtship    of    widow    Wadman,    whenever    I 
got   time   to   write   them,   would   turn   out 

221 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

one  of  the  most  complete  systems,  both  of 
the  elementary  and  practical  part  of  love 
and    love-making,   that   ever   was   addressed 

to   the  world are  you  to  imagine  from 

thence,  that  I  shall  set  out  with  a  descrip- 
tion of  what  love  is  1  whether  part  God  and 

part  Devil,  as  Plotinus  will  have  it 

Or  by  a  more  critical  equation,  and 


supposing  the  whole  of  love  to  be  as  ten 

to  determine  with  Ficinus,   "How  many 

parts  of  it — the  one, — and  how  many  the 
other;" — or  whether  it  is  all  of  it  one  great 
Devil,  from  head  to  tail,  as  Plato  has  taken 
upon  him  to  pronounce;  concerning  which 
conceit  of  his,  I  shall  not  offer  my  opinion: 
— but  my  opinion  of  Plato  is  this;  that  he 
appears,  from  this  instance,  to  have  been  a 
man  of  much  the  same  temper  and  way  of 
reasoning  with  doctor  Baynyard,  who  being 
a  great  enemy  to  blisters,  as  imagining  that 
half  a  dozen  of  'em  at  once,  would  draw  a 
man  as  surely  to  his  grave,  as  a  herse  and 
six — rashly  concluded,  that  the  Devil  him- 
self was  nothing  in  the  world,  but  one  great 

bouncing  Canthari[di]s. 

I    have    nothing    to    say   to    people    who 
allow  themselves   this   monstrous   liberty  in 

222 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

arguing,  but  what  Nazianzen  cried  out  (that 
is  polemically)  to  Philagrius 

"*Evye\"  O  rare!  His  fine  reasoning,  Sir, 
indeed/ — "on  <f>i\o<ro<f)el<;  iv  HdBecrt" — and  most 
nobly  do  you  aim  at  truth,  when  you  philos- 
ophize about  it  in  your  moods  and  passions. 

Nor  is  it  to  be  imagined,  for  the  same 
reason,    I    should    stop    to    inquire,    whether 

love  is  a  disease, or  embroil  myself  with 

Rhasis  and  Dioscorides,  whether  the  seat  of 
it  is  in  the  brain  or  liver ;  —  because  this 
would  lead  me  on,  to  an  examination  of 
the    two    very    opposite    manners,   in   which 

patients    have    been   treated the   one,   of 

Aoetius,  who  always  begun  with  a  cooling 
clyster  of  hempseed  and  bruised  cucumbers; 
— and  followed  on  with  thin  potations  of 
water-lillies  and  purslane — to  which  he  added 
a  pinch  of  snuff,  of  the  herb  Hanea; — and 
where  Aoetius  durst  venture  it, — his  topaz- 
ring. 

The  other,  that  of  Gordonius,  who  (in 

his  cap.  15.  de  Amove)  directs  they  should  be 

thrashed,   " ad  putovem  usque," till  they 

stink  again. 

These  are  disquisitions,  which  my  father, 
who  had  laid  in  a  great  stock  of  knowledge 

223 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

of  this  kind,  will  be  very  busy  with,  in  the 
progress  of  my  uncle  Toby's  affairs:  I  must 
anticipate  thus  much,  That  from  his  theories 
of  love,  (with  which,  by  the  way,  he  con- 
trived to  crucify  my  uncle  Toby's  mind, 
almost  as  much  as  his  amours  themselves) — 
he  took  a  single  step  into  practice; — and  by 
means  of  a  camphorated  cerecloth,  which  he 
found  means  to  impose  upon  the  taylor  for 
buckram,  whilst  he  was  making  my  uncle 
Toby  a  new  pair  of  breeches,  he  produced 
Gordonius's  effect  upon  my  uncle  Toby 
without  the  disgrace. 

What  changes  this  produced,  will  be  read 
in  its  proper  place:  all  that  is  needful  to  be 
added  to  the  anecdote,  is  this That  what- 
ever effect  it  had  upon  my  uncle  Toby, 

it  had  a  vile  effect  upon  the  house; and 

if  my  uncle  Toby  had  not  smoaked  it  down 
as  he  did,  it  might  have  had  a  vile  effect 
upon  my  father  too. 


224 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


T 


CHAPTER   XXXVII. 

^WILL  come  out  of  itself  by  and 

bye. All    I    contend    for   is, 

that  I  am  not  obliged  to  set 
out  with  a  definition  of  what  love  is;  and 
so  long  as  I  can  go  on  with  my  story  in- 
telligibly, with  the  help  of  the  word  itself, 
without  any  other  idea  to  it,  than  what  I 
have  in  common  with  the  rest  of  the  world, 
why  should  I  differ  from  it  a  moment  be- 
fore  the   time? When  I   can   get  on   no 

further, and  find  myself  entangled  on  all 

sides  of  this  mystic  labyrinth, — my  Opinion 
will  then  come  in,  in  course, — and  lead  me 
out. 

At  present,  I  hope  I  shall  be  sufficiently 
understood,  in  telling  the  reader,  my  uncle 
Toby  fell  in  love : 

— Not  that  the  phrase  is  at  all  to  my 
liking:  for  to  say  a  man  is  fallen  in  love, — 
or  that  he  is  deeply  in  love, — or  up  to  the 
ears  in  love, — and  sometimes  even  over  head 
and  ears  in  it, — carries  an   idiomatical  kind 

225 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

of  implication,  that  love  is  a  thing  below  a 
man: — this  is  recurring  again  to  Plato's 
opinion,  which,  with  all  his  divinity  ship, — I 
hold  to  be  damnable  and  heretical; — and  so 
much  for  that. 

Let  love  therefore  be  what  it  will, — my 
uncle  Toby  fell  into  it. 

And  possibly,  gentle  reader,  with  such 

a  temptation — so  wouldst  thou:  For  never 
did  thy  eyes  behold,  or  thy  concupiscence 
covet  any  thing  in  this  world,  more  concu- 
piscible  than  widow  Wadman. 


CHAPTER    XXXVIII. 

TO  conceive  this  right, — call  for  pen  and 
ink — here's  paper  ready  to  your  hand. 

Sit  down,  Sir,   paint  her  to  your 

own  mind as  like  your  mistress  as  you 

can as    unlike    your   wife    as    your   con- 
science will  let  you — 'tis  all  one  to  me 

please  but  your  own  fancy  in  it. 


S26 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Was  ever  any  thing  in  Nature   so 


sweet! — so  exquisite! 

Then,  dear  Sir,  how  could  my  uncle 

Toby  resist  it  ? 

Thrice  happy  book!  thou  wilt  have  one 
page,  at  least,  within  thy  covers,  which 
Malice  will  not  blacken,  and  which  Igno- 
rance cannot  misrepresent. 


CHAPTER    XXXIX. 

AS  Susannah  was  informed  by  an  express 
from  Mrs  B?idget,  of  my  uncle  Toby's 
falling  in  love  with  her  mistress  fifteen 
days  before  it  happened, — the  contents  of 
which  express,  Susannah  communicated  to 
my  mother  the  next  day, — it  has  just  given 
me  an  opportunity  of  entering  upon  my 
uncle  Toby's  amours  a  fortnight  before  their 
existence. 

I  have  an  article  of  news  to  tell  you,  Mr 
Shandy,  quoth  my  mother,  which  will  sur- 
prise you  greatly. 

928 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Now  my  father  was  then  holding  one  of 
his  second  beds  of  justice,  and  was  musing 
within  himself  about  the  hardships  of  matri- 
mony, as  my  mother  broke  silence. 

" My  brother  Toby,  quoth  she,  is  go- 


ing to  be  married  to  Mrs  Madman." 

Then  he  will  never,  quoth  my  father, 

be  able  to  lie  diagonally  in  his  bed  again  as 
long  as  he  lives. 

It  was  a  consuming  vexation  to  my  father, 
that  my  mother  never  asked  the  meaning  of 
a  thing  she  did  not  understand. 

That  she  is  not  a  woman  of  science, 

my  father  would  say — is  her  misfortune — 
but  she  might  ask  a  question. — 

My    mother    never    did. In    short,    she 

went  out  of  the  world  at  last  without 
knowing  whether  it  turned  round,  or  stood 

still. My  father  had   officiously  told   her 

above  a  thousand  times  which  way  it  was, 
— but  she  always  forgot. 

For  these  reasons,  a  discourse  seldom  went 
on  much  further  betwixt  them,  than  a 
proposition, — a  reply,  and  a  rejoinder;  at 
the  end  of  which,  it  generally  took  breath 
for  a  few  minutes  (as  in  the  affair  of  the 
breeches),  and  then  went  on  again. 

229 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

If  he  marries,  'twill  be  the  worse  for  us, 
— quoth  my  mother. 

Not  a  cherry-stone,  said  my  father, — he 
may  as  well  batter  away  his  means  upon 
that,  as  any  thing  else. 

To  be  sure,  said  my  mother:  so  here 

ended  the  proposition, — the  reply, — and  the 
rejoinder,   I  told  you  of. 

It  will  be  some  amusement  to  him,  too, 
said  my  father. 

A  very  great  one,  answered  my  mother,  if 
he  should  have  children. 

Lord  have  mercy  upon  me, — said  my 


father  to  himself #  *  *  *  * 

■4J.                                      AA,  ^t                                            J^                                            .V,  JJ,  JJ,  Jfc  Jfc 

TP          TT  TT           TF            Tv  *7r  TP  TP  TP 

^T                       ^F  "7r                          ^F           ^F  ^nF  "fc  ^r  "ff 

"IP         *HF  tF          w          vT  *^  "IF  "TF  tF 


CHAPTER    XL. 

I   AM    now   beginning   to   get   fairly   into 
my  work;   and  by  the  help  of  a  vege- 
table   diet,    with    a    few    of    the    cold 
seeds,  I  make  no  doubt  but  I  shall  be  able 

230 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

to  go  on  with  my  uncle    Toby's  story,  and 
my  own,  in  a  tolerable  strait  line.     Now, 


These    were    the    four    lines    I    moved   in 
through   my  first,  second,  third,  and   fourth 

volumes.* In  the  fifth  volume  I   have 

been  very  good, the  precise  line  I    have 

described  in  it  being  this: 

A 


co      ceo  ( D)     r\ 


By    which    it    appears,    that    except    at    the 

•Alluding  to  the  first  edition. 


231 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

curve,  marked  A,  where  I  took  a  trip  to 
Navarre, — and  the  indented  curve  B,  which 
is  the  short  airing  when  I  was  there  with 
the  Lady  Baussiere  and  her  page, — I  have 
not  taken  the  least  frisk  of  a  digression,  till 
John  de  la  Casse's  devils  led  me  the  round 
you  see  marked  D, — for  as  for  c  c  c  c  c  they 
are  nothing  but  parentheses,  and  the  com- 
mon ins  and  outs  incident  to  the  lives  of 
the  greatest  ministers  of  state;  and  when 
compared  with  what  men  have  done, — or 
with  my  own  transgressions  at  the  letters  A 
B  D — they  vanish  into  nothing. 

In  this  last  volume  I  have  done  better 
still — for  from  the  end  of  Le  Fever's  epi- 
sode, to  the  beginning  of  my  uncle  Toby's 
campaigns, — I  have  scarce  stepped  a  yard 
out  of  my  way. 

If  I  mend  at  this  rate,  it  is  not  impossi- 
ble  by  the   good   leave   of    his   grace  of 

Benevento's  devils but  I  may  arrive  here- 
after at  the  excellency  of  going  on  even 
thus ; 


which  is  a  line  drawn  as  straight  as  I  could 
draw    it,   by    a    writing-master's   ruler   (bor- 

232 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

rowed  for  that  purpose),  turning  neither  to 
the  right  hand  or  to  the  left. 

This  right  line, — the  path-way  for  Chris- 
tians to  walk  in!  say  divines 

The  emblem  of  moral  rectitude!  says 


Cicero- 


The    best    line!   say    cabbage   planters 

is    the    shortest    line,   says  Archimedes, 

which  can  be  drawn  from  one  given  point 
to  another. 

I  wish  your  ladyships  would  lay  this 
matter  to  heart,  in  your  next  birth-day 
suits ! 

What  a  journey! 

Pray  can  you  tell  me, — that  is,  without 
anger,     before    I    write     my    chapter    upon 

straight    lines by    what    mistake who 

told    them    so or    how    it    has    come   to 

pass,  that  your  men  of  wit  and  genius  have 
all  along  confounded  this  line,  with  the  line 

Of  GRAVITATION  ? 


9SS 


■ « 


f-  ss 


The  Widow 


and  Uncle  Toby 


THE 

LIFE    AND    OPINIONS 

OF 

TRISTRAM     SHANDY, 

GENTLEMAN. 


Non  enim  excursus  hie  ejus,  sed  opus  ipsum  est. 

Pun.     Lib.  quintus  Epistola  sexta. 


THE 

LIFE    AND    OPINIONS 

OF 

TRISTRAM   SHANDY,  Gent. 
BOOK   VII. 


CHAPTER    I. 

NO 1  think,  I  said,  I  would  write  two 
volumes  every  year,  provided  the  vile 
cough  which  then  tormented  me,  and 
which  to  this  hour  I  dread  worse  than  the 
devil,  would  but  give  me  leave — and  in  an- 
other place — (but  where,  I  can't  recollect 
now)  speaking  of  my  book  as  a  machine,  and 
laying  my  pen  and  ruler  down  cross-wise 
upon  the  table,  in  order  to  gain  the  greater 
credit  to  it — I  swore  it  should  be  kept 
a  going  at  that  rate  these  forty  years,  if  it 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

pleased  but  the  fountain  of  life  to  bless  me 
so  long  with  health  and  good  spirits.. 

Now  as  for  my  spirits,  little  have  I  to  lay 
to  their  charge  —  nay  so  very  little  (unless 
the  mounting  me  upon  a  long  stick,  and 
playing  the  fool  with  me  nineteen  hours  out 
of  the  twenty-four,  be  accusations)  that  on 
the  contrary,  I  have  much — much  to  thank 
'em  for:  cheerily  have  ye  made  me  tread 
the  path  of  life  with  all  the  burthens  of  it 
(except  its  cares)  upon  my  back;  in  no  one 
moment  of  my  existence,  that  I  remember, 
have  ye  once  deserted  me,  or  tinged  the 
objects  which  came  in  my  way,  either  with 
sable,  or  with  a  sickly  green;  in  dangers  ye 
gilded  my  horizon  with  hope,  and  when 
Death  himself  knocked  at  my  door  —  ye 
bad  him  come  again;  and  in  so  gay  a  tone 
of  careless  indifference,  did  ye  do  it,  that  he 
doubted  of  his  commission 

" — There  must  certainly  be  some  mistake 
in  this  matter,"  quoth  he. 

Now  there  is  nothing  in  this  world  I 
abominate  worse,  than  to  be  interrupted  in 

a   story and    I  was  that   moment  telling 

Eugenius  a  most  tawdry  one  in  my  way,  of 
a  nun  who  fancied   herself  a  shell-fish,  and 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

of  a  monk  damn'd  for  eating  a  muscle,  and 
was  shewing  him  the  grounds  and  justice  of 
the  procedure 

" —  Did  ever  so  grave  a  personage  get 
into  so  vile  a  scrape?"  quoth  Death.  Thou 
hast  had  a  narrow  escape,  Tristram,  said 
Eugenius,  taking  hold  of  my  hand  as  I 
finished  my  story 

But  there  is  no  living,  Eugenius,  replied 
I,  at  this  rate;  for  as  this  son  of  a  whore 
has  found  out  my  lodgings 

— You  call  him  rightly,  said  Eugenius, — 
for    by    sin,    we    are    told,    he    enter 'd    the 

world 1  care   not  which  way  he  enter'd, 

quoth  I,  provided  he  be  not  in  such  a  hurry 
to  take  me  out  with  him — for  1  have  forty 
volumes  to  write,  and  forty  thousand  things 
to  say  and  do,  which  no  body  in  the  world 
will  say  and  do  for  me,  except  thyself;  and 
as  thou  seest  he  has  got  me  by  the  throat 
(for  Eugenius  could  scarce  hear  me  speak 
across  the  table),  and  that  I  am  no  match 
for  him  in  the  open  field,  had  I  not  better, 
whilst  these  few  scatter' d  spirits  remain,  and 
these  two  spider  legs  of  mine  (holding  one 
of  them  up  to  him)  are  able  to  support  me 
— had   I   not   better,   Eugenius,   fly   for  my 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

life?  'Tis  my  advice,  my  dear  Tristram, 
said  Eugenius — Then  by  heaven!  I  will  lead 

him  a  dance  he  little  thinks  of for  I  will 

gallop,  quoth  I,  without  looking  once  behind 
me,  to   the   banks  of  the  Garonne;    and   if 

I    hear  him    clattering   at   my  heels I'll 

scamper    away   to    mount    Vesuvius from 

thence  to  Joppa,  and  from  Joppa  to  the 
world's  end ;  where,  if  he  follows  me,  I 
pray  God  he  may  break  his  neck 

— He  runs  more  risk  there,  said  Eugenius, 
than  thou. 

Eugenius1  s  wit  and  affection  brought  blood 
into  the  cheek  from  whence  it  had  been  some 

months  banish' d 'twas  a  vile  moment  to 

bid   adieu   in;   he  led  me  to  my  chaise 

A  lions!   said    I;    the   postboy   gave   a   crack 

with  his  whip off  I  went  like  a  cannon, 

and  in  half  a  dozen  bounds  got  into  Dover. 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER   II. 

NOW  hang  it!  quoth  I,  as  I  look'd  to- 
wards the  French  coast — a  man  should 
know   something  of  his   own   country 

too,  before   he  goes  abroad and   I   never 

gave  a  peep  into  Rochester  church,  or  took 
notice  of  the  dock  of  Chatham,  or  visited 
St  Thomas  at  Canterbury,  though  they  all 
three  laid  in  my  way 

—  But  mine,  indeed,  is  a  particular 
case 

So  without  arguing  the  matter  further 
with  Thomas  o'  Becket,  or  any  one  else — I 
skip'd  into  the  boat,  and  in  five  minutes  we 
got  under  sail,  and  scudded  away  like  the 
wind. 

Pray,  captain,  quoth  I,  as  I  was  going 
down  into  the  cabin,  is  a  man  never  over- 
taken by  Death  in  this  passage  ? 

Why,  there  is  not  time  for  a  man  to  be 

sick  in  it,  replied  he What  a  cursed  lyar! 

for  I  am  sick  as  a  horse,  quoth  I,  already 
what  a  brain! upside  down! hey- 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

day!  the  cells  are  broke  loose  one  into  an- 
other, and  the  blood,  and  the  lymph,  and 
the  nervous  juices,  with  the  fix'd  and  vola- 
tile salts,  are  all  jumbled  into  one  mass 

good    G — !    every   thing  turns  round  in  it 

like    a   thousand    whirlpools I'd    give   a 

shilling  to  know  if  I  shan't  write  the  clearer 
for  it 

Sick!  sick!  sick!  sick! 

— When   shall  we  get  to  land?  captain — 

they    have    hearts   like    stones O    I    am 

deadly   sick! reach   me   that  thing,   boy 

'tis  the  most  discomfiting  sickness 1 

wish  I  was  at  the  bottom — Madam!  how  is 

it  with  you?     Undone!   undone!   un O! 

undone!  sir What  the  first  time? No, 

'tis  the  second,  third,  sixth,  tenth  time,  sir, 

hey-day! — what  a  trampling  over  head! 

— hollo!   cabin  boy!  what's  the  matter? — 

The  wind  chopp'd  about!  s'Death! — then 
I  shall  meet  him  full  in  the  face. 

What  luck! — 'tis  chopp'd  about  again, 
master O  the  devil  chop  it 

Captain,  quoth  she,  for  heaven's  sake,  let 
us  get  ashore. 


10 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER   III. 

IT  is  a  great  inconvenience  to  a  man  in  a 
haste,  that  there  are  three  distinct  roads 
between  Calais  and  Paris,  in  behalf  of 
which  there  is  so  much  to  be  said  by  the 
several  deputies  from  the  towns  which  lie 
along  them,  that  half  a  day  is  easily  lost  in 
settling  which  you'll  take. 

First,  the  road  by  Lisle  and  Arras,  which 

is  the  most  about but  most  interesting, 

and  instructing. 

The  second  that  by  Amiens,  which  you 
may  go,  if  you  would  see  Chantilly 

And  that  by  Beauvais,  which  you  may  go, 
if  you  will. 

For  this  reason  a  great  many  chuse  to  go 
by  Beauvais, 


11 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    IV. 

NOW  before  I  quit  Calais,"  a  travel- 
writer  would  say,  "it  would  not  be 
amiss  to  give  some  account  of  it." — 
Now  I  think  it  very  much  amiss — that  a 
man  cannot  go  quietly  through  a  town,  and 
let  it  alone,  when  it  does  not  meddle  with 
him,  but  that  he  must  be  turning  about  and 
drawing  his  pen  at  every  kennel  he  crosses 
over,  merely,  o'  my  conscience,  for  the  sake 
of  drawing  it;  because,  if  we  may  judge 
from  what  has  been  wrote  of  these  things, 
by  all  who  have  wrote  and  gallop' d — or  who 
have  gallop  d  and  wrote,  which  is  a  different 
way  still;  or  who  for  more  expedition  than 
the  rest,  have  wrote  galloping,  which  is  the 
way  I  do  at  present from  the  great  Ad- 
dison, who  did  it  with  his  satchel  of  school 
books  hanging  at  his  a — ,  and  galling  his 
beast's  crupper  at  every  stroke  —  there  is 
not  a  gallopper  of  us  all  who  might  not 
have    gone    on    ambling    quietly  in   his  own 

12 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

ground  (in  case  he  had  any),  and  have 
wrote  all  he  had  to  write,  dryshod,  as  well 
as   not. 

For  my  own  part,  as  heaven  is  my  judge, 
and  to  which  1  shall  ever  make  my  last  ap- 
peal— I  know  no  more  of  Calais  (except  the 
little  my  barber  told  me  of  it,  as  he  was 
whetting  his  razor),  than  I  do  this  moment 
of  Grand  Cairo;  for  it  was  dusky  in  the 
evening  when  I  landed,  and  dark  as  pitch 
in  the  morning  when  I  set  out,  and  yet  by 
merely  knowing  what  is  what,  and  by  draw- 
ing this  from  that  in  one  part  of  the  town, 
and  by  spelling  and  putting  this  and  that 
together  in  another — I  would  lay  any  travel- 
ling odds,  that  I  this  moment  write  a  chap- 
ter upon  Calais  as  long  as  my  arm ;  and 
with  so  distinct  and  satisfactory  a  detail  of 
every  item,  which  is  worth  a  stranger's  cu- 
riosity in  the  town — that  you  would  take 
me  for  the  town-clerk  of  Calais  itself — and 
where,  sir,  would  be  the  wonder?  was  not 
Democritus,  who  laughed  ten  times  more 
than  I — town-clerk  of  Abdera?  and  was  not 
(I  forget  his  name)  who  had  more  discretion 

than  us  both,  town- clerk  of  Ephesus  1 

it  should   be  penn'd  moreover,   sir,  with   so 

13 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

much  knowledge  and  good  sense,  and  truth, 

and  precision 

— Nay — if  you  don't  believe  me,  you  may 
read  the  chapter  for  your  pains. 


CHAPTER  V. 

CALAIS,  Calatium,  Calusium,  Calesium. 
This  town,  if  we  may  trust  its  archives, 
the  authority  of  which  I  see  no  reason  to 
call  in  question  in  this  place — was  once  no 
more  than  a  small  village  belonging  to  one 
of  the  first  Counts  de  Guignes;  and  as  it 
boasts  at  present  of  no  less  than  fourteen 
thousand  inhabitants,  exclusive  of  four  hun- 
dred and  twenty  distinct  families  in  the  basse 

ville,  or  suburbs it  must  have  grown  up 

by  little  and  little,  I  suppose,  to  its  present 
size. 

Though  there  are  four  convents,  there  is 
but  one  parochial  church  in  the  whole  town; 
I  had  not  an  opportunity  of  taking  its  exact 
dimensions,  but  it  is  pretty  easy  to  make  a 
tolerable  conjecture  of  'em — for  as  there  are 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

fourteen  thousand  inhabitants  in  the  town, 
if  the  church  holds  them  all,  it  must  be 
considerably  large — and  if  it  will  not — 'tis  a 
very  great  pity  they  have  not  another — it  is 
built  in  form  of  a  cross,  and  dedicated  to 
the  Virgin  Mary;  the  steeple,  which  has  a 
spire  to  it,  is  placed  in  the  middle  of  the 
church,  and  stands  upon  four  pillars  elegant 
and  light  enough,  but  sufficiently  strong  at 
the  same  time — it  is  decorated  with  eleven 
altars,  most  of  which  are  rather  fine  than 
beautiful.  The  great  altar  is  a  masterpiece 
in  its  kind;  'tis  of  white  marble,  and  as  I 
was  told  near  sixty  feet  high — had  it  been 
much  higher,  it  had  been  as  high  as  mount 
Calvary  itself — therefore,  I  suppose  it  must 
be  high  enough  in  all  conscience. 

There  was  nothing  struck  me  more  than 
the  great  Square;  tho'  I  cannot  say  'tis 
either  well  paved  or  well  built;  but  'tis  in 
the  heart  of  the  town,  and  most  of  the 
streets,  especially  those  in  that  quarter,  all 
terminate  in  it;  could  there  have  been  a 
fountain  in  all  Calais,  which  it  seems  there 
cannot,  as  such  an  object  would  have  been 
a  great  ornament,  it  is  not  to  be  doubted, 
but  that  the  inhabitants  would  have  had  it 

15 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

in  the  very  centre  of  this  square, — not  that 
it  is  properly  a  square, — because  'tis  forty 
feet  longer  from  east  to  west,  than  from 
north  to  south;  so  that  the  French  in  gen- 
eral have  more  reason  on  their  side  in  call- 
ing them  Places  than  Squares,  which,  strictly 
speaking,  to  be  sure  they  are  not. 

The  town-house  seems  to  be  but  a  sorry 
building,  and  not  to  be  kept  in  the  best 
repair;  otherwise  it  had  been  a  second  great 
ornament  to  this  place;  it  answers  however 
its  destination,  and  serves  very  well  for  the 
reception  of  the  magistrates,  who  assemble 
in  it  from  time  to  time;  so  that  'tis  pre- 
sumable, justice  is  regularly  distributed. 

I  have  heard  much  of  it,  but  there  is 
nothing  at  all  curious  in  the  Courgain;  'tis 
a  distinct  quarter  of  the  town,  inhabited 
solely  by  sailors  and  fishermen;  it  consists 
of  a  number  of  small  streets,  neatly  built, 
and  mostly  of  brick;  'tis  extremely  popu- 
lous, but  as  that  may  be  accounted  for, 
from  the  principles  of  their  diet — there  is 
nothing  curious  in  that  neither. A  trav- 
eller may  see  it  to  satisfy  himself — he  must 
not  omit  however  taking  notice  of  La  Tour 
de  Guet,  upon  any  account;    'tis  so  called 

16 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

from  its  particular  destination,  because  in 
war  it  serves  to  discover  and  give  notice  of 
the  enemies  which  approach  the  place,  either 

by  sea  or  land; but  'tis  monstrous  high, 

and  catches  the  eye  so  continually,  you  can- 
not avoid  taking  notice  of  it,  if  you  would. 
It  was  a  singular  disappointment  to  me, 
that  I  could  not  have  permission  to  take  an 
exact  survey  of  the  fortifications,  which  are 
the  strongest  in  the  world,  and  which,  from 
first  to  last,  that  is,  from  the  time  they  were 
set  about  by  Philip  of  France,  Count  of 
Boulogne,  to  the  present  war,  wherein  many 
reparations  were  made,  have  cost  (as  I 
learned  afterwards  from  an  engineer  in  Gas- 
cony) — above  a  hundred  millions  of  livres. 
It  is  very  remarkable,  that  at  the  Tete  de 
Ctravelenes,  and  where  the  town  is  naturally 
the  weakest,  they  have  expended  the  most 
money;  so  that  the  outworks  stretch  a  great 
way  into  the  campaign,  and  consequently  oc- 
cupy a  large  tract  of  ground.  — However,  after 
all  that  is  said  and  done,  it  must  be  acknowl- 
edged that  Calais  was  never  upon  any  account 
so  considerable  from  itself,  as  from  its  situa- 
tion, and  that  easy  entrance  which  it  gave 
our  ancestors,  upon  all  occasions,  into  France: 

17 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

it  was  not  without  its  inconveniences  also; 
being  no  less  troublesome  to  the  English  in 
those  times,  than  Dunkirk  has  been  to  us,  in 
ours;  so  that » it  was  deservedly  looked  upon 
as  the  key  to  both  kingdoms,  which  no  doubt 
is  the  reason  that  there  have  arisen  so  many 
contentions  who  should  keep  it :  of  these,  the 
siege  of  Calais,  or  rather  the  blockade  (for  it 
was  shut  up  both  by  land  and  sea),  was  the 
most  memorable,  as  it  withstood  the  efforts 
of  Edward  the  Third  a  whole  year,  and  was 
not  terminated  at  last  but  by  famine  and  ex- 
treme misery ;  the  gallantry  of  Eustace  de  St 
Pierre,  who  first  offered  himself  a  victim  for 
his  fellow-citizens,  has  rank'd  his  name  with 
heroes.  As  it  will  not  take  up  above  fifty 
pages,  it  would  be  injustice  to  the  reader, 
not  to  give  him  a  minute  account  of  that 
romantic  transaction,  as  well  as  of  the  siege 
itself,  in  Rapin's  own  words: 


OF  TRISTRAM  SHANDY 


B 


CHAPTER    VI. 

UT    courage!    gentle    reader! 1 

scorn   it 'tis    enough    to    have 

thee  in  my  power but  to  make 

use  of  the  advantage  which  the  fortune  of 
the  pen  has  now  gained  over  thee,  would  be 

too   much No !    by   that   all-powerful 

fire  which  warms  the  visionary  brain,  and 
lights  the  spirits  through  unwordly  tracts ! 
ere  I  would  force  a  helpless  creature  upon 
this  hard  service,  and  make  thee  pay,  poor 
soul !  for  fifty  pages,  which  I  have  no  right 

to   sell   thee, naked   as    I    am,    I   would 

browse  upon  the  mountains,  and  smile  that 
the  north  wind  brought  me  neither  my  tent 
or  my  supper. 

— So   put  on,   my   brave   boy!   and   make 
the  best  of  thy  way  to  Boulogne. 


19 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


B 


CHAPTER   VII. 

OULOGNE! hah! so  we  are 

all  got  together debtors  and  sin- 
ners before  heaven;  a  jolly  set  of  us 
— but  I  can't  stay  and  quaff  it  off  with  you — 
I'm   pursued  myself  like  a  hundred  devils, 
and   shall    be  overtaken,    before   I   can  well 

change  horses: for  heaven's   sake,   make 

haste 'Tis  for  high- treason,  quoth  a  very 

little  man,  whispering  as  low  as  he  could  to 

a  very  tall  man,  that  stood  next  him Or 

else  for  murder;  quoth  the  tall  man Well 

thrown,  Size- ace!  quoth  I.    No;  quoth  a  third, 

the  gentleman  has  been  committing . 

Ah!  ma  chere  fille!  said  I,  as  she  tripp'd 
by,  from  her  matins — you  look  as  rosy  as 
the  morning  (for  the  sun  was  rising,  and  it 
made  the  compliment  the  more  gracious) — 

No;  it  can't  be  that,  quoth  a  fourth (she 

made  a  curt'sy  to  me — I  kiss'd  my  hand) 
'tis  debt;  continued  he:  'Tis  certainly  for 
debt;  quoth  a  fifth;  I  would  not  pay  that 
gentleman's   debts,  quoth   Ace,  for  a  thou- 

20 


OF   TBISTRAM    SHANDY 

sand  pounds;  nor  would  I,  quoth  Size,  for 
six  times  the  sum — Well  thrown,  Size-ace, 
again!  quoth  I; — but  I  have  no  debt  but 
the  debt  of  Nature,  and  I  want  but  patience 
of  her,  and  I  will  pay  her  every  farthing  I  owe 

her How  can  you  be  so  hard-hearted, 

Madam,  to  arrest  a  poor  traveller  going  along 
without  molestation  to  any  one,  upon  his 
lawful  occasions?  do  stop  that  death-looking, 
long-striding  scoundrel  of  a  scare-sinner,  who 

is  posting  after  me he  never  would  have 

followed  me  but  for  you if  it  be  but  for 

a  stage   or  two,   just  to  give   me   start   of 

him,   I   beseech  you,   madam do,   dear 

lady 

Now,  in  troth,  'tis  a  great  pity,  quoth 


mine  Irish  host,  that  all  this  good  courtship 
should  be  lost;  for  the  young  gentlewoman 
has  been  after  going  out  of  hearing  of  it 
all  along. 

Simpleton !  quoth  I. 

So  you  have  nothing  else  in  Boulogne 

worth  seeing? 

— By  Jasus!  there  is  the  finest  Seminary 
for  the  Humanities 

i — There  cannot  be  a  finer;  quoth  I. 


si 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


CHAPTER   VIII. 

WHEN  the  precipitancy  of  a  man's 
wishes  hurries  on  his  ideas  ninety 
times  faster  than  the  vehicle  he 
rides  in— woe  be  to  truth!  and  woe  be  to 
the  vehicle  and  its  tackling  (let  'em  be 
made  of  what  stuff  you  will)  upon  which 
he  breathes  forth  the  disappointment  of  his 
soul! 

As  I  never  give  general  characters  either 
of  men  or  things  in  choler,  ''the  most  haste, 
the  worst  speed,"  was  all  the  reflection  I 
made  upon  the  affair,  the  first  time  it  hap- 
pen'd; — the  second,  third,  fourth,  and  fifth 
time,  I  confined  it  respectively  to  those 
times,  and  accordingly  blamed  only  the  sec- 
ond, third,  fourth,  and  fifth  post-boy  for  it, 
without  carrying  my  reflections  further;  but 
the  event  continuing  to  befal  me  from  the 
fifth,  to  the  sixth,  seventh,  eighth,  ninth, 
and  tenth  time,  and  without  one  exception, 
I  then  could  not  avoid  making  a  national 
reflection  of  it,  which  I  do  in  these  words; 

a 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

That  something  is  always  wrong  in  a 
French  post-chaise,  upon  first  setting  out. 

Or  the  proposition  may  stand  thus: 

A  French  postilion  has  always  to  alight 
before  he  has  got  three  hundred  yards  out 
of  town. 

What's    wrong    now  ? Diable  !  — —  a 

rope's    broke! a    knot    has    slipt! a 

staple's   drawn! a  bolt's   to   whittle! 

a  tag,  a  rag,  a  jag,  a  strap,  a  buckle,  or  a 
buckle's  tongue,  want  altering. 

Now  true  as  all  this  is,  T  never  think 
myself  impowered  to  excommunicate  there- 
upon either  the  post-chaise,  or  its  driver 

nor  do  I  take  it  into  my  head  to  swear  by 
the  living  G — ,  I  would  rather  go  a- foot  ten 

thousand  times or  that  I  will  be  damn'd, 

if  ever  I  get  into  another but  I  take  the 

matter  coolly  before  me,  and  consider,  that 
some  tag,  or  rag,  or  jag,  or  bolt,  or  buckle, 
or  buckle's  tongue,  will  ever  be  a  wanting, 
or  want  altering,  travel  where  I  will — so  I 
never  chaff,  but  take  the  good  and  the  bad, 
as  they  fall  in  my  road,  and  get  on: — —Do 
so,  my  lad!  said  I;  he  had  lost  five  minutes 
already,  in  alighting  in  order  to  get  at  a 
luncheon    of    black    bread,    which    he    had 

23 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

cramm'd    into    the    chaise- pocket,    and    was 

remounted,  and  going  leisurely  on,  to  relish 

it  the   better Get  on,    my  lad,   said    I, 

briskly  —  but    in    the   most    persuasive   tone 

imaginable,   for   I  jingled  a  four- and- twenty 

sous  piece  against  the  glass,  taking  care  to 

hold  the  flat  side  towards  him,  as  he  look'd 

back:   the  dog  grinn'd  intelligence  from  his 

right  ear  to  his  left,  and   behind  his  sooty 

muzzle    discovered    such    a    pearly   row    of 

teeth,  that  Sovereignty  would  have  pawn'd 

her  jewels  for  them 

t    *   i.  i  (  What  masticators! — 

Just  heaven  I  \  __ 

I  What  bread!— 

and  so,  as  he  finished  the  last  mouthful  of 

it,  we  entered  the  town  of  Montreuil. 


CHAPTER   IX. 

THERE  is  not  a  town  in  all  France, 
which,  in  my  opinion,  looks  better  in 

the  map,  than  Montreuil; 1  own, 

it  does   not  look   so  well    in    the    book  of 

24 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

post-roads;  but  when  you  come  to  see  it — ■ 
to  be  sure  it  looks  most  pitifully. 

There  is  one  thing,  however,  in  it  at 
present  very  handsome;  and  that  is  the  inn- 
keeper's daughter:  She  has  been  eighteen 
months  at  Amiens,  and  six  at  Paris,  in  go- 
ing through  her  classes;  so  knits,  and  sews, 
and  dances,  and  does  the  little  coquetries 
very  well. 

— A  slut!  in  running  them  over  within 
these  five  minutes  that  I  have  stood  look- 
ing at  her,  she  has  let  fall  at  least  a  dozen 

loops    in    a    white    thread    stocking yes, 

yes — I  see,  you  cunning  gipsy! — 'tis  long 
and  taper  —  you  need  not  pin  it  to  your 
knee — and  that  'tis  your  own — and  fits  you 
exactly. 

That    Nature    should    have    told    this 

creature  a  word  about  a  statue 's  thumb/ 

— But  as   this   sample   is  worth   all  their 

thumbs besides,   I   have  her  thumbs  and 

fingers  in  at  the  bargain,  if  they  can  be  any 
guide  to  me, — and  as  Janatone  withal  (for 
that  is  her  name)  stands  so  well  for  a  draw- 
ing  may   I   never  draw   more,  or  rather 

may  I  draw  like  a  draught- horse,  by  main 
strength   all   the   days  of  my  life, — if  I   do 

25 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

not  draw  her  in  all  her  proportions,  and  with 
as  determined  a  pencil,  as  if  I  had  her  in 

the  wettest  drapery. 

— But  your  worships  chuse  rather  that  I 
give  you  the  length,  breadth,  and  perpen- 
dicular height  of  the  great  parish- church,  or 
drawing  of  the  facade  of  the  abbey  of  Saint 
Austreberte  which  has  been  transported  from 
Artois  hither — every  thing  is  just  I  suppose 
as  the  masons  and  carpenters  left  them, — and 
if  the  belief  in  Christ  continues  so  long,  will 
be  so  these  fifty  years  to  come — so  your 
worships  and  reverences  may  all  measure 
them  at  your  leisures but  he  who  meas- 
ures thee,  Janatone,  must  do  it  now — thou 
carriest  the  principles  of  change  within  thy 
frame;  and  considering  the  chances  of  a 
transitory  life,  I  would  not  answer  for  thee 
a  moment ;  ere  twice  twelve  months  are 
passed    and    gone,    thou    mayest   grow   out 

like  a  pumpkin,  and  lose  thy  shapes or, 

thou  mayest  go  off  like  a  flower,  and  lose 
thy  beauty — nay,  thou  mayest  go  off  like  a 
hussy — and  lose  thyself. — I  would  not  an- 
swer for  my  aunt  Dinah,  was  she  alive 

'faith,  scarce  for  her  picture were  it  but 

painted  by  Reynolds — 

26 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

But  if  I  go  on  with  my  drawing, 
after  naming  that  son  of  Apollo,  I'll  be 
shot 

So  you  must  e'en  be  content  with  the 
original ;  which,  if  the  evening  is  fine  in 
passing  thro'  Montreuil,  you  will  see  at 
your  chaise-door,  as  you  change  horses:  but 
unless  you  have  as   bad  a  reason   for  haste 

as  I  have — you  had  better  stop: She  has 

a  little  of  the  devote:  but  that,  sir,  is  a  terce 
to  a  nine  in  your  favour 

— L — help  me!  I  could  not  count  a  single 
point:  so  had  been  piqued,  and  repiqued, 
and  capotted  to  the  devil. 


CHAPTER   X. 

ALL   which    being    considered,    and   that 
Death     moreover    might    be    much 

nearer    me    than    I    imagined 1 

wish   I   was  at  Abbeville,  quoth   I,  were  it 

only  to  see  how  they  card  and  spin so 

off  we  set. 

27 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

*  de   Montreuil  a   Nampont-poste   et  demi 

de  Nampont  a  Bernay poste 

de  Bernay  a  Nouvion poste 

de  Nouvion  a  Abbeville  -  poste 

but   the    carders   and  spinners   were    all 

gone  to  bed. 


CHAPTER   XI. 

WHAT   a  vast  advantage  is  travelling! 
only   it   heats   one;    but   there   is   a 
remedy    for    that,    which    you    may 
pick  out  of  the  next  chapter. 


CHAPTER   XII. 

WAS  I  in  a  condition  to  stipulate  with 
Death,  as  I  am  this  moment  with 
my   apothecary,    how   and   where   I 

will   take    his    clyster 1    should   certainly 

declare   against  submitting  to   it  before  my 

*  Vid.  Book  of  French  post-roads,  page  36,  edition  of  1762. 

28 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

friends;  and  therefore  I  never  seriously  think 
upon  the  mode  and  manner  of  this  great 
catastrophe,  which  generally  takes  up  and 
torments  my  thoughts  as  much  as  the  ca- 
tastrophe itself,  but  I  constantly  draw  the 
curtain  across  it  with  this  wish,  that  the 
Disposer  of  all  things  may  so  order  it,  that 

it  happen  not  to  me  in  my  own  house 

but  rather  in  some  decent  inn at  home, 

I   know  it, the   concern   of  my  friends, 

and  the  last  services  of  wiping  my  brows, 
and  smoothing  my  pillow,  which  the  quiver- 
ing hand  of  pale  affection  shall  pay  me,  will 
so  crucify  my  soul,  that  I  shall  die  of  a 
distemper  which  my  physician  is  not  aware 
of:  but  in  an  inn,  the  few  cold  offices  I 
wanted,  would  be  purchased  with  a  few 
guineas,  and   paid  me  with  an  undisturbed, 

but  punctual  attention but  mark.    This 

inn  should  not  be  the  inn  at  Abbeville 

if  there  was  not  another  inn  in  the  uni- 
verse, I  would  strike  that  inn  out  of  the 
capitulation:  so 

Let   the   horses   be   in  the   chaise   exactly 

by   four  in  the   morning Yes,    by   four, 

Sir, or  by  Genevieve!   I'll  raise  a  clatter 

in  the  house,  shall  wake  the  dead. 

29 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XIII. 

MAKE  them  like  unto  a  wheel,"  is  a 
bitter  sarcasm,  as  all  the  learned 
know,  against  the  grand  tour, 
and  that  restless  spirit  for  making  it,  which 
David  prophetically  foresaw  would  haunt 
the  children  of  men  in  the  latter  days;  and 
therefore,  as  thinketh  the  great  bishop  Hall, 
'tis  one  of  the  severest  imprecations  which 
David  ever  utter' d  against  the  enemies  of 
the  Lord — and,  as  if  he  had  said,  "I  wish 
them  no  worse  luck  than  always  to  be  roll- 
ing about" — So  much  motion,  continues  he 
(for  he  was  very  corpulent) — is  so  much  un- 
quietness;  and  so  much  of  rest,  by  the  same 
analogy,  is  so  much  of  heaven. 

Now,  I  (being  very  thin)  think  differently; 
and  that  so  much  of  motion,  is  so  much  of 

life,   and    so   much  of  joy and    that    to 

stand  still,  or  get  on  but  slowly,  is  death 
and  the  devil 

Hollo!    Ho! the  whole  world's  asleep  I 

bring    out    the    horses grease    the 


so 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

wheels tie  on  the   mail and   drive  a 

nail  into  that  moulding I'll   not  lose   a 

moment 

Now  the  wheel  we  are  talking  of,  and 
whereinto  (but  not  whereonto,  for  that  would 
make  an  Ixion's  wheel  of  it)  he  curseth  his 
enemies,  according  to  the  bishop's  habit  of 
body,  should  certainly  be  a  post-chaise  wheel, 
whether  they  were  set  up  in  Palestine  at  that 
time  or  not and  my  wheel,  for  the  con- 
trary reasons,  must  as  certainly  be  a  cart- 
wheel groaning  round  its  revolution  once  in 
an  age;  and  of  which  sort,  were  I  to  turn 
commentator,  I  should  make  no  scruple  to 
affirm,  they  had  great  store  in  that  hilly 
country. 

I  love  the  Pythagoreans  (much  more  than 
ever   I    dare   tell   my   dear   Jenny)  for   their 

"^(opLcrfjibv  curb  rov  Sco/iaTO?,  et?  to  fcaXoos  (f>i\oao(f>eiv" 

[their]  "getting  out  of  the  body,  in  or- 
der to  think  well."  No  man  thinks  right, 
whilst  he  is  in  it;  blinded  as  he  must  be, 
with  his  congenial  humours,  and  drawn  dif- 
ferently aside,  as  the  bishop  and  myself  have 

been,  with  too  lax  or  too  tense  a  fibre 

Reason  is,  half  of  it,  Sense;  and  the 
measure   of  heaven   itself  is   but  the   meas- 

31 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

ure    of   our    present    appetites    and    concoc- 
tions  

But  which  of  the  two,  in  the  present 


case,    do    you    think    to    be    mostly   in    the 
wrong  ? 

You,    certainly:    quoth    she,   to   disturb   a 
whole  family  so   early. 


CHAPTER    XIV. 

But  she  did   not  know  I  was  under 

a  vow  not  to  shave  my  beard,  till   I  got  to 

Paris; yet  I   hate  to  make  mysteries  of 

nothing; 'tis  the  cold  cautiousness  of  one 

of  those  little  souls  from  which  Lessius  {lib. 
13.  de  moribus  divinis,  cap.  24.)  hath  made 
his  estimate,  wherein  he  setteth  forth,  That 
one  Dutch  mile,  cubically  multiplied,  will 
allow  room  enough,  and  to  spare,  for  eight 
hundred  thousand  millions,  which  he  sup- 
poses to  be  as  great  a  number  of  souls 
(counting  from  the  fall  of  Adam)  as  can 
possibly  be  damn'd  to  the  end  of  the  world. 

33 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

From  what  he  has  made  this  second  esti- 
mate  unless   from   the   parental  goodness 

of  God — I  don't  know — I  am  much  more 
at  a  loss  what  could  be  in  Franciscus  Rib- 
herd's  head,  who  pretends  that  no  less  a 
space  than  one  of  two  hundred  Italian  miles 
multiplied    into    itself,   will    be    sufficient   to 

hold  the  like  number he    certainly  must 

have  gone  upon  some  of  the  old  Roman 
souls,  of  which  he  had  read,  without  reflect- 
ing how  much,  by  a  gradual  and  most  tabid 
decline,  in  the  course  of  eighteen  hundred 
years,  they  must  unavoidably  have  shrunk, 
so  as  to  have  come,  when  he  wrote,  almost 
to  nothing. 

In  Lessius's  time,  who  seems  the  cooler 
man,  they  were  as  little  as  can  be  imag- 
ined  

We  find  them  less  now 


And  next  winter  we  shall  find  them  less 
again;  so  that  if  we  go  on  from  little  to 
less,  and  from  less  to  nothing,  I  hesitate 
not  one  moment  to  affirm,  that  in  half  a 
century,  at  this  rate,  we  shall  have  no  souls 
at  all;  which  being  the  period  beyond  which 
I  doubt  likewise  of  the  existence  of  the 
Christian    faith,     'twill    be    one    advantage, 

83 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

that  both  of  'em  will  be  exactly  worn  out 
together. 

Blessed  Jupiter!  and  blessed  every  other 
heathen  god  and  goddess !  for  now  ye  will 
all  come  into  play  again,  and  with  Priapus 

at  your   tails what  jovial    times! but 

where  am  I  ?   and  into  what  a  delicious  riot 

of  things  am  I  rushing?     I 1  who  must 

be  cut  short  in  the  midst  of  my  days,  and 
taste  no  more  of  'em  than  what  I  borrow 
from  my  imagination peace  to  thee,  gen- 
erous fool!  and  let  me  go  on. 


CHAPTER   XV. 

"So  hating,  I   say,  to   make   mys- 
teries  of   nothing" 1   intrusted   it   with 

the  post-boy,  as  soon  as  ever  I  got  off  the 
stones;  he  gave  a  crack  with  his  whip,  to 
balance  the  compliment;  and  with  the  thill- 
horse  trotting,  and  a  sort  of  an  up  and  a 
down  of  the  other,  we  danced  it  along  to 
Ailly  au  dockers,  famed  in  days  of  yore  for 
the    finest    chimes    in    the    world;    but   we 

Si 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

danced     through     it     without     music  —  the 
chimes   being  greatly   out  of  order  —  (as   in 
truth  they  were  through  all  France.) 
And  so  making  all  possible  speed,  from 
Ailly  au  clochers,  I  got  to  Hixcourt, 
from  Hixcourt,  I  got  to  Pequignay,  and 
from  Pequignay,  I  got  to  Amiens, 
concerning  which  town   I    have  nothing  to 
inform  you,  but  what  I  have  informed  you 

once  before and  that  was — that  Janatone 

went  there  to  school. 


CHAPTER    XVI. 

IN   the  whole  catalogue  of  those  whiffling 
vexations   which   come   puffing   across   a 
man's    canvass,    there    is    not  one   of   a 
more    teasing   and   tormenting    nature,    than 
this  particular  one  which  I  am  going  to  de- 
scribe  and    for   which   (unless   you   travel 

with    an    avance-courier,   which    numbers    do 

in  order  to  prevent  it) there  is  no  help: 

and  it  is  this. 

That   be   you   in   never   so  kindly   a  pro- 

35 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

pensity   to    sleep tho'    you    are    passing 

perhaps  through  the  finest  country — upon 
the  best  roads, and  in  the  easiest  car- 
riage for  doing  it  in  the  world nay,  was 

you  sure  you  could  sleep  fifty  miles  straight 
forwards,  without  once  opening  your  eyes — 
nay,  what  is  more,  was  you  as  demonstra- 
tively satisfied  as  you  can  be  of  any  truth 
in  Euclid,  that  you  should  upon  all  accounts 
be  full  as  well  asleep  as  awake nay,  per- 
haps better Yet  the  incessant  returns  of 

paying    for    the    horses    at   every   stage, 

with  the  necessity  thereupon  of  putting 
your  hand  into  your  pocket,  and  counting 
out  from  thence  three  livres  fifteen  sous 
(sous  by  sous),  puts  an  end  to  so  much  of 
the  project,  that  you  cannot  execute  above 
six   miles  of   it  (or   supposing  it  is  a  post 

and  a  half,  that  is  but  nine) were  it  to 

save  your  soul  from  destruction. 

— I'll  be  even  with  'em,  quoth  I,  for  I'll 
put  the  precise  sum  into  a  piece  of  paper, 
and  hold  it  ready  in  my  hand  all  the  way: 
"Now  I  shall  have  nothing  to  do,"  said  I 
(composing  myself  to  rest),  "but  to  drop 
this  gently  into  the  post-boy's  hat,  and  not 
say  a  word." Then  there  wants  two  sous 

36 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

more  to  drink or  there  is  a  twelve  sous 

piece  of  Louis  XIV.  which  will  not  pass — or 
a  livre  and  some  odd  liards  to  be  brought 
over  from  the  last  stage,  which  Monsieur 
had  forgot;  which  altercations  (as  a  man 
cannot  dispute  very  well  asleep)  rouse  him: 
still  is  sweet  sleep  retrievable;  and  still 
might  the  flesh  weigh  down  the  spirit,  and 
recover  itself  of  these  blows — but  then,  by- 
heaven  I  you  have  paid  but  for  a  single  post 
— whereas  'tis  a  post  and  a  half;  and  this 
obliges  you  to  pull  out  your  book  of  post- 
roads,  the  print  of  which  is  so  very  small, 
it  forces  you  to  open  your  eyes,  whether 
you  will  or  no:  Then  Monsieur  le  Cure 
offers  you  a  pinch  of  snuff or  a  poor  sol- 
dier shews  you  his  leg or  a  shaveling  his 

box or  the   priestess   of  the   cistern  will 

water   your   wheels they  do   not  want  it 

but  she  swears  by  her  priesthood  (throw- 
ing it  back)  that  they  do : then  you  have 

all  these  points  to  argue,  or  consider  over 
in  your  mind;  in  doing  of  which,  the 
rational  powers  get  so  thoroughly  awakened 

you  may  get  'em  to  sleep  again  as  you 

can. 

It    was    entirely    owing    to    one    of    these 

37 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

misfortunes,   or   I   had   pass'd   clean   by   the 

stables  of  Chantilly 

But  the  postilion  first  affirming,  and 


then  persisting  in  it  to  my  face,  that  there 
was  no  mark  upon  the  two  sous  piece,  I 
open'd  my  eyes  to  be  convinced — and  see- 
ing the  mark  upon  it  as  plain  as  my  nose — 
I  leap'd  out  of  the  chaise  in  a  passion,  and 

so  saw  every  thing  at  Chantilly  in  spite. 

I  tried  it  but  for  three  posts  and  a  half, 
but  believe  'tis  the  best  principle  in  the 
world  to  travel  speedily  upon;  for  as  few 
objects  look  very  inviting  in  that  mood — 
you  have  little  or  nothing  to  stop  you;  by 
which  means  it  was  that  I  passed  through 
St  Dennis,  without  turning  my  head  so  much 

as  on  one  side  towards  the  Abby 

Richness  of  their  treasury!   stuff  and 


nonsense! bating  their  jewels,  which  are 

all  false,    I   would  not   give  three  sous   for 

any  one  thing  in  it,  but  Jaidas's  lantern 

nor  for  that  either,  only  as  it  grows  dark,  it 
might  be  of  use. 


38 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XVII. 

CRACK,  crack crack,  crack crack, 
crack so    this    is   Paris!    quoth    I 

(continuing   in  the   same    mood) — and 

this  is  Paris! humph! Paris!  cried  I, 

repeating  the  name  the  third  time 

The  first,  the  finest,  the  most  brilliant 

The  streets  however  are  nasty. 

But   it   looks,    I    suppose,    better  than  it 

smells crack,    crack crack,    crack 

what  a  fuss  thou  makest!  —  as  if  it  con- 
cerned the  good  people  to  be  informed, 
that  a  man  with  pale  face,  and  clad  in 
black,  had  the  honour  to  be  driven  into 
Paris  at  nine  o'clock  at  night,  by  a  pos- 
tilion   in    a    tawny    yellow    jerkin,    turned 

up   with    red    calamanco — crack,    crack 

crack,  crack crack,  crack, 1  wish  thy 

whip 

But  'tis  the  spirit  of  thy  nation;   so 

crack — crack  on. 

Ha! and  no  one  gives   the  wall! 

but  in  the  School  of  Urbanity  herself,  if 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

the    walls    are    besh-t  —  how    can    you    do 
otherwise  ? 

And    prithee    when    do    they    light    the 
lamps  ?      What  ?  —  never     in     the     summer 

months! Ho!    'tis    the    time   of   sallads. 

O  rare!   sallad  and  soup — soup  and  sal- 
lad — sallad  and  soup,  encore 


'Tis  too  much  for  sinners. 


Now  I  cannot  bear  the  barbarity  of  it; 
how  can  that  unconscionable  coachman  talk 
so  much  bawdy  to  that  lean  horse?  don't 
you  see,  friend,  the  streets  are  so  villain- 
ously narrow,  that  there  is  not  room  in  all 
Paris  to  turn  a  wheelbarrow  ?  In  the 
grandest  city  of  the  whole  world,  it  would 
not  have  been  amiss,  if  they  had  been  left  a 
thought  wider;  nay,  were  it  only  so  much 
in  every  single  street,  as  that  a  man  might 
know  (was  it  only  for  satisfaction)  on  which 
side  of  it  he  was  walking. 

One — two — three — four — five — six — seven — 
eight — nine — ten. — Ten  cook's  shops  !  and 
twice  the  number  of  barbers!  and  all  within 
three  minutes  driving!  one  would  think  that 
all  the  cooks  in  the  world,  on  some  great 
merry-meeting  with  the  barbers,  by  joint 
consent  had   said — Come,  let  us  all  go  live 

40 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

at  Paris:   the  French  love  good  eating 

they   are  all  gourmands we   shall  rank 

high;    if    their    god    is    their   belly their 

cooks  must  be  gentlemen :  and  forasmuch 
as  the  periwig"  makeih  the  man,  and  the 
periwig- maker  maketh  the  periwig — ergo, 
would  the  barbers  say,  we  shall  rank  higher 
still — we  shall  be  above  you  all — we  shall 
be  *  Capitouls  at  least — pardif   we   shall   all 

wear  swords 

— And  so,  one  would  swear  (that  is  by 
candle  light,  —  but  there  is  no  depending 
upon  it)  they  continue  to  do,  to  this  day. 


CHAPTER    XVIII. 

THE     French    are     certainly    misunder- 
stood:  but    whether    the    fault    is 

theirs,  in  not  sufficiently  explaining 
themselves ;  or  speaking  with  that  exact 
limitation  and  precision  which  one  would 
expect  on  a  point  of  such   importance,   and 

*  Chief  Magistrate  in  Toulouse,  &c.  &c.  &c. 

41 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

which,  moreover,  is  so  likely  to  be  con- 
tested  by  us or  whether  the  fault  may 

not  be  altogether  on  our  side,  in  not  un- 
derstanding their  language  always  so  critic- 
ally as  to  know  "what  they  would  be  at" 

1  shall  not  decide;   but  'tis   evident  to 

me,  when  they  affirm,  "That  they  who  have 
seen  Paris,  have  seen  every  thing, ' '  they  must 
mean  to  speak  of  those  who  have  seen  it  by 
day- light. 

As   for  candle-light  —  I   give   it  up 1 

have  said  before,  there  was  no  depending 
upon  it — and  I  repeat  it  again;  but  not  be- 
cause the  lights  and  shades  are  too  sharp — 
or  the  tints  confounded — or  that  there  is 
neither  beauty  or  keeping,  &c.  ...  for 
that's  not  truth — but  it  is  an  uncertain  light 
in  this  respect,  That  in  all  the  five  hundred 
grand  Hotels,  which  they  number  up  to 
you  in  Paris — and  the  five  hundred  good 
things,  at  a  modest  computation  (for  'tis 
only  allowing  one  good  thing  to  a  Hotel), 
which  by  candle-light  are  best  to  be  seen, 
felt,   heard,  and   understood  (which,    by   the 

bye,  is  a  quotation  from  Lilly) the  devil 

a  one  of  us  out  of  fifty,  can  get  our  heads 
fairly  thrust  in  amongst  them. 

42 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

This  is  no   part  of  the  French  computa- 
tion: 'tis  simply  this, 

That  by  the  last  survey,  taken  in  the 
year  one  thousand  seven  hundred  and  six- 
teen, since  which  time  there  have  been  con- 
siderable augmentations,  Paris  doth  contain 
nine  hundred  streets;  (viz.) 
In    the    quarter    called   the   City — there   are 

fifty-three  streets. 
In  St  James  of  the  Shambles,  fifty-five  streets. 
In   St  Oportune,  thirty-four  streets. 
In   the  quarter  of  the   Louvre,  twenty-five 

streets. 
In  the  Palace  Royal,  or  St  Honorius,  forty- 
nine  streets. 
In  Mont.  Martyr,  forty-one  streets. 
In  St  Eustace,  twenty-nine  streets. 
In  the  Halles,  twenty- seven  streets. 
In  St  Dermis,  fifty- five  streets. 
In  St  Martin,  fifty-four  streets. 
In  St  Paul,  or  the  Mortellerie,  twenty-seven 

streets. 
The  Greve,  thirty-eight  streets. 
In     St    Avoy,    or     the     Verrerie,    nineteen 

streets. 
In    the    Marais,  or    the     Temple,    fifty-two 

streets. 

48 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

In  St  Antony's,  sixty-eight  streets. 
In  the  Place  Maubert,  eighty-one  streets. 
In  St  Bennet,  sixty  streets. 
In  St  Andrews  de  Arcs,  fifty-one  streets. 
In  the  quarter  of  the   Luxembourg-,   sixty- 
two  streets. 
And  in  that  of  St  Germain,  fifty-five  streets, 
into  any  of  which  you  may  walk;  and  that 
when    you    have    seen    them    with    all    that 
belongs   to   them,   fairly   by  day-light — their 
gates,    their    bridges,     their    squares,     their 

statues and    have    crusaded    it  moreover 

through  all  their  parish-churches,  by  no  means 

omitting    St   Roche  and  Sulpice and  to 

crown  all,  have  taken  a  walk  to  the  four  pal- 
aces, which  you  may  see,  either  with  or  without 
the  statues  and  pictures,  just  as  you  chuse — 

Then  you  will  have  seen 

but,  'tis  what  no  one  needeth  to  tell 


you,  for  you  will  read  of  it  yourself  upon 
the  portico  of  the  Louvre,  in  these  words, 

*  EARTH    NO    SUCH     FOLKS  ! NO    FOLKS    E'ER 

SUCH   A   TOWN 
AS    PARIS    IS! SING,    DERRY,    DERRY,    DOWN. 

*  Non  orbis  gentem,   non  urbem  gens  habet  ullam 
ulla  parem. 

44 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

The  French  have  a  gay  way  of  treating 
every  thing  that  is  Great;  and  that  is  all 
can  be  said  upon  it. 


CHAPTER    XIX. 

IN  mentioning  the  word  gay  (as  in  the 
close  of  the  last  chapter)  it  puts  one 
{i.e.  an   author)   in    mind    of   the   word 

spleen especially  if   he    has    anything   to 

say  upon  it:  not  that  by  any  analysis — or 
that  from  any  table  of  interest  or  genealogy, 
there  appears  much  more  ground  of  alliance 
betwixt  them,  than  betwixt  light  and  dark- 
ness,   or   any   two    of   the    most    unfriendly 

opposites  in  nature only    'tis    an    under- 

craft  of  authors  to  keep  up  a  good  under- 
standing amongst  words,  as  politicians  do 
amongst  men — not  knowing  how  near  they 
may  be   under  a  necessity  of  placing  them 

to    each    other which    point    being    now 

gain'd,  and  that  I  may  place  mine  exactly 
to  my  mind,  I  write  it  down  here — 


45 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


SPLEEN. 

This,  upon  leaving  Chantilly,  I  declared  to 
be  the  best  principle  in  the  world  to  travel 
speedily  upon;  but  I  gave  it  only  as  matter 
of  opinion.  I  still  continue  in  the  same 
sentiments — only  I  had  not  then  experience 
enough  of  its  working  to  add  this,  that 
though  you  do  get  on  at  a  tearing  rate, 
yet  you  get  on  but  uneasily  to  yourself  at 
the  same  time;  for  which  reason  I  here  quit 
it  entirely,  and  for  ever,  and  'tis  heartily  at 
any  one's  service  —  it  has  spoiled  me  the 
digestion  of  a  good  supper,  and  brought  on 
a  bilious  diarrhoea,  which  has  brought  me 
back  again  to   my  first  principle  on  which 

I   set  out and  with  which    I   shall   now 

scamper  it  away  to  the  banks  of  the 
Garonne — 

No; 1   cannot  stop  a   moment  to 

give  you  the  character  of  the  people — their 

genius their    manners — their    customs — 

their  laws their  religion  —  their  govern- 
ment— their  manufactures — their  commerce 
— their  finances,  with   all   the   resources  and 

46 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

hidden  springs  which  sustain  them:  qualified 
as  I  may  be,  by  spending  three  days  and 
two  nights  amongst  them,  and  during  all 
that  time  making  these  things  the  entire 
subject  of  my  enquiries  and  reflections 

Still — still   I  must  away the  roads  are 

paved — the  posts  are  short — the  days  are 
long — 'tis  no  more  than  noon — I  shall  be 
at  Fontainbleau  before  the  king 

— Was  he  going  there  ?  not  that  I 
know 


CHAPTER    XX. 

NOW  I  hate  to  hear  a  person,  especially 
if  he  be  a  traveller,  complain  that  we 
do  not  get  on  so  fast  in  France  as 
we  do  in  England;  whereas  we  get  on 
much  faster,  consideratis  consider andis ; 
thereby  always  meaning,  that  if  you  weigh 
their  vehicles  with  the  mountains  of  bag- 
gage which  you  lay  both  before  and  behind 
upon  them — and  then  consider  their  puny 
horses,  with  the  very  little  they  give  them 
— 'tis    a   wonder  they   get   on   at  all:    their 

4T 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

suffering  is  most  unchristian,  and  'tis  evi- 
dent thereupon  to  me,  that  a  French  post- 
horse  would  not  know  what  in  the  world 
to  do,  was  it  not  for  the  two  words  ****** 
and  ******  in  which  there  is  as  much  sus- 
tenance, as  if  you  gave  him  a  peck  of  corn: 
now  as  these  words  cost  nothing,  I  long 
from  my  soul  to  tell  the  reader  what  they 
are;  but  here  is  the  question — they  must 
be  told  him  plainly,  and  with  the  most  dis- 
tinct articulation,  or  it  will  answer  no  end — - 
and  yet  to  do  it  in  that  plain  way — though 
their  reverences  may  laugh  at  it  in  the  bed- 
chamber—  full  well  I  wot,  they  will  abuse 
it  in  the  parlour:  for  which  cause,  I  have 
been  volving  and  revolving  in  my  fancy 
some  time,  but  to  no  purpose,  by  what 
clean  device  or  facette  contrivance  I  might 
so  modulate  them,  that  whilst  I  satisfy  that 
ear  which  the  reader  chuses  to  lend  me — 
I  might  not  dissatisfy  the  other  which  he 
keeps  to  himself. 

My  ink   burns   my  finger  to   try 

and   when   I    have 'twill    have    a   worse 

consequence it    will    burn    (I    fear)    my 

paper. 

No; 1  dare  not — — 

48 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

But  if  you  wish  to  know  how  the  abbess 
of  Andouillets  and  a  novice  of  her  convent 
got  over  the  difficulty  (only  first  wishing 
myself  all  imaginable  success) — I'll  tell  you 
without  the  least  scruple. 


CHAPTER   XXI. 

THE  abbess  of  Andouillets,  which,  if  you 
look  into  the  large  set  of  provincial 
maps  now  publishing  at  Paris,  you 
will  find  situated  amongst  the  hills  which 
divide  Burgundy  from  Savoy,  being  in  dan- 
ger of  an  Anchylosis  or  stiff  joint  (the  sinovia 
of  her  knee  becoming  hard  by  long  matins), 

and    having    tried    every   remedy first, 

prayers  and  thanksgiving;  then  invocations 
to    all   the    saints    in    heaven    promiscuously 

then  particularly  to  every  saint  who  had 

ever    had    a    stiff    leg    before    her then 

touching  it  with  all  the  reliques  of  the  con- 
vent, principally  with  the  thigh-bone  of  the 
man  of  Lystra,  who  had  been  impotent  from 
his  youth then  wrapping  it  up  in  her  veil 

49 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

when  she  went  to  bed — then  cross-wise  her 
rosary — then  bringing  in  to  her  aid  the  sec- 
ular arm,  and  anointing  it  with  oils  and  hot 
fat  of  animals then  treating  it  with  emol- 
lient  and   resolving   fomentations then 

with  poultices  of  marsh- mallows,  mallows, 
bonus  Henricus,  white  lillies  and  fenugreek 
— then  taking  the  woods,  I  mean  the  smoke 
of  'em,  holding  her  scapulary  across  her  lap 
then  decoctions  of  wild  chicory,  water- 
cresses,   chervil,   sweet   cecily   and   cochlearia 

and    nothing    all   this   while    answering, 

was  prevailed  on  at  last  to  try  the  hot- 
baths  of  Bourbon so  having  first  ob- 
tain'd  leave  of  the  visitor-general  to  take 
care  of  her  existence — she  ordered  all  to  be 
got  ready  for  her  journey:  a  novice  of  the 
convent  of  about  seventeen,  who  had  been 
troubled  with  a  whitloe  in  her  middle  finger, 
by  sticking  it  constantly  into  the  abbess's 
cast  poultices,  &c. — had  gained  such  an  in- 
terest, that  overlooking  a  sciatical  old  nun, 
who  might  have  been  set  up  for  ever  by 
the  hot-baths  of  Bourbon,  Margarita,  the 
little  novice,  was  elected  as  the  companion 
of  the  journey. 

An  old  calesh,  belonging  to  the  abbesse, 

60 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

lined  with  green  frize,  was  ordered  to  be 
drawn  out  into  the  sun  —  the  gardener  of 
the  convent  being  chosen  muleteer,  led  out 
the  two  old  mules,  to  clip  the  hair  from 
the  rump- ends  of  their  tails,  whilst  a  couple 
of  lay-sisters  were  busied,  the  one  in  darn- 
ing the  lining,  and  the  other  in  sewing  on 
the    shreds    of    yellow    binding,    which    the 

teeth  of  time  had  unravelled the  under- 

gardener  dress'd   the   muleteer's   hat   in   hot 

wine-lees and   a   taylor   sat   musically   at 

it,  in  a  shed  over-against  the  convent,  in 
assorting  four  dozen  of  bells  for  the  har- 
ness, whistling  to  each  bell,  as  he  tied  it  on 

with  a  thong. 

The  carpenter  and  the  smith  of  An- 


douillets  held  a  council  of  wheels;  and  by 
seven,  the  morning  after,  all  look'd  spruce, 
and  was  ready  at  the  gate  of  the  convent 
for  the  hot-baths  of  Bourbon — two  rows  of 
the  unfortunate  stood  ready  there  an  hour 
before. 

The  abbess  of  Andoiiillets,  supported  by 
Margarita  the  novice,  advanced  slowly  to 
the  calesh,  both  clad  in  white,  with  their 
black  rosaries  hanging  at  their  breasts 

There  was  a  simple  solemnity  in  the 

51 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

contrast:  they  entered  the  calesh;  and  nuns 
in  the  same  uniform,  sweet  emblem  of  in- 
nocence, each  occupied  a  window,  and  as 
the  abbess  and  Margarita  look'd  up — each 
(the  sciatical  poor  nun  excepted)  —  each 
stream 'd  out  the  end  of  her  veil  in  the  air 
— then  kiss'd  the  lilly  hand  which  let  it  go: 
the  good  abbess  and  Margarita  laid  their 
hands  saint- wise  upon  their  breasts — look'd 
up  to  heaven  —  then  to  them — and  look'd 
"God  bless  you,  dear  sisters." 

I   declare   I   am   interested   in   this   story, 
and   I  wish  I   had  been  there. 

The  gardener,  whom  I  shall  now  call  the 
muleteer,  was  a  little,  hearty,  broad-set, 
good-natured,  chattering,  toping  kind  of  a 
fellow,  who  troubled  his  head  very  little 
with  the  hows  and  whens  of  life ;  so  had 
mortgaged  a  month  of  his  conventical  wages 
in  a  borrachio,  or  leathern  cask  of  wine, 
which  he  had  disposed  behind  the  calesh, 
with  a  large  russet- coloured  riding-coat  over 
it,  to  guard  it  from  the  sun;  and  as  the 
weather  was  hot,  and  he  not  a  niggard  of 
his  labours,  walking  ten  times  more  than  he 
rode — he  found  more  occasions  than  those 
of  nature,   to   fall   back   to   the   rear   of  his 

52 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

carriage;  till  by  frequent  coming  and  go- 
ing, it  had  so  happen 'd,  that  all  his  wine 
had  leak'd  out  at  the  legal  vent  of  the  bor- 
rachio,  before  one  half  of  the  journey  was 
finish' d. 

Man  is  a  creature  born  to  habitudes. 
The  day  had  been  sultry — the  evening  was 
delicious — the  wine  was  generous — the  Bur- 
gundian  hill  on  which  it  grew  was  steep — 
a  little  tempting  bush  over  the  door  of  a 
cool  cottage  at  the  foot  of  it,  hung  vibrat- 
ing in  full  harmony  with  the  passions  —  a 
gentle  air  rustled  distinctly  through  the 
leaves — "Come — come,  thirsty  muleteer — 
come  in." 

The  muleteer  was  a  son  of  Adam.  I 
need  not  say  a  word  more.  He  gave  the 
mules,  each  of  'em,  a  sound  lash,  and  look- 
ing in  the  abbess's  and  Margarita's  faces 
(as  he  did  it) — as  much  as  to  say  "here  I 
am "  —  he    gave    a    second    good    crack  —  as 

much  as  to  say  to  his  mules,  "get  on" 

so  slinking  behind,  he  enter 'd  the  little  inn 
at  the  foot  of  the  hill. 

The  muleteer,  as  I  told  you,  was  a  little, 
joyous,  chirping  fellow,  who  thought  not  of 
to-morrow,  nor  of  what  had  gone  before,  or 

53 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

what  was  to  follow  it,  provided  he  got  but 
his  scantling  of  Burgundy,  and  a  little  chit- 
chat along  with  it;  so  entering  into  a  long 
conversation,  as  how  he  was  chief  gardener 
to  the  convent  of  Andouillets,  &c.  &c.  and 
out  of  friendship  for  the  abbess  and  Mad- 
emoiselle Margarita,  who  was  only  in  her 
noviciate,  he  had  come  along  with  them 
from  the  confines  of  Savoy,  &c.  &c. — and 
as  how  she  had  got  a  white  swelling  by  her 
devotions — and  what  a  nation  of  herbs  he 
had  procured  to  mollify  her  humours,  &c. 
&c.  and  that  if  the  waters  of  Bourbon  did 
not  mend  that  leg — she  might  as  well  be 
lame  of  both  —  &c.  &c.  &c.  —  He  so  con- 
trived his  story,  as  absolutely  to  forget  the 
heroine  of  it — and  with  her,  the  little  novice, 
and  what  was  a  more  ticklish  point  to  be 
forgot  than  both — the  two  mules;  who  be- 
ing creatures  that  take  advantage  of  the 
world,  inasmuch  as  their  parents  took  it  of 
them  —  and  they  not  being  in  a  condition 
to  return  the  obligation  downwards  (as  men 
and  women  and  beasts  are) — they  do  it  side- 
ways, and  long-ways,  and  back-ways — and 
up  hill,  and  down  hill,  and  which  way  they 
can. Philosophers,  with  all  their  eth- 

54 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

icks,  have  never  considered  this  rightly — 
how  should  the  poor  muleteer,  then  in  his 
cups,  consider  it  at  all  ?  he  did  not  in  the 
least — 'tis  time  we  do;  let  us  leave  him 
then  in  the  vortex  of  his  element,  the  hap- 
piest and   most  thoughtless  of  mortal  men 

and   for  a  moment  let  us  look  after  the 

mules,  the  abbess,  and  Margarita. 

By  virtue  of  the  muleteer's  two  last 
strokes,  the  mules  had  gone  quietly  on, 
following  their  own  consciences  up  the  hill, 
till  they  had  conquer'd  about  one  half  of 
it ;  when  the  elder  of  them,  a  shrewd, 
crafty  old  devil,  at  the  turn  of  an  angle, 
giving  a  side  glance,  and  no  muleteer  be- 
hind them 

By  my  fig!  said  she,  swearing,  I'll  go  no 

further And  if  I   do,   replied   the   other, 

they  shall  make  a  drum  of  my  hide. 

And  so  with  one  consent  they  stopp'd 
thus 


m 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XXII. 

Get  on  with  you,  said  the  abbess. 

Wh ysh ysh cried  Mar- 
garita. 

Sh a shu  -  u shu  -  -  u sh  -  -  aw 

shaw'd  the  abbess. 

Whu  —  v  —  w whew  —  w  —  w  — 

whuv'd  Margarita,  pursing  up  her  sweet  lips 
betwixt  a  hoot  and  a  whistle. 

Thump  —  thump  —  thump  —  obstreperated 
the  abbess  of  Andouillets  with  the  end  of 
her  gold- headed  cane  against  the  bottom  of 
the  calesh 


The  old  mule  let  a  f- 


w 


CHAPTER    XXIII. 

E   are  ruined   and   undone,   my  child, 

said   the   abbess    to   Margarita, 

we   shall    be   here   all  night we 

shall    be    plunder'd we    shall    be    rav- 

ish'd 

56 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

We  shall  be  ravish'd,  said  Margarita, 

as  sure  as  a  gun. 

Sancta  Maria!  cried  the  abbess  (forget- 
ting the  Of) — why  was  I  govern' d  by  this 
wicked  stiff  joint  ?  why  did  I  leave  the  con- 
vent of  Andouillets?  and  why  didst  thou  not 
suffer  thy  servant  to  go  unpolluted  to  her 
tomb  ?  ' 

O  my  finger!  my  finger!  cried  the  novice, 
catching  fire  at  the  word  servant — why  was 
I  not  content  to  put  it  here,  or  there,  any 
where  rather  than  be  in  this  strait? 

Strait!  said  the  abbess. 

Strait said   the   novice ;    for  terror  had 

struck  their  understandings the  one  knew 

not  what  she   said the   other  what   she 

answer'd. 

O  my  virginity!  virginity!  cried  the  ab- 
bess. 

inity! inity!  said  the  novice,  sob- 
bing. 


«t 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XXIV. 

MY  dear  mother,  quoth  the  novice,  com- 
ing a  little  to  herself, there  are 

two  certain  words,  which  I  have  been 
told  will  force  any  horse,  or  ass,  or  mule,  to 
go  up  a  hill,  whether  he  will  or  no;  be  he 
never  so  obstinate  or  ill-will'd,  the  moment 
he  hears  them  utter' d,  he  obeys.  They  are 
words  magic!  cried  the  abbess  in  the  utmost 
horror — No;  replied  Margarita  calmly — but 
they  are  words  sinful  —  What  are  they  ? 
quoth  the  abbess,  interrupting  her:  They 
are  sinful  in  the  first  degree,  answered  Mar- 
garita,— they  are  mortal — and  if  we  are  rav- 
ish'd  and  die  unabsolved  of  them,  we  shall 

both but  you   may  pronounce  them  to 

me,    quoth    the    abbess    of   Andoidllets 

They  cannot,  my  dear  mother,  said  the  no- 
vice, be  pronounced  at  all;  they  will  make 
all  the  blood  in  one's  body  fly  up  into  one's 
face — But  you  may  whisper  them  in  my  ear, 
quoth  the  abbess. 

Heaven!  hadst  thou  no  guardian  angel  to 

58 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


delegate  to  the  inn  at  the  bottom  of  the 
hill  ?    was    there   no    generous    and    friendly 

spirit   unemployed no    agent    in    nature, 

by  some  monitory  shivering,  creeping  along 
the  artery  which  led  to  his  heart,  to  rouse 

the  muleteer  from  his  banquet? no  sweet 

minstrelsy  to  bring  back  the  fair  idea  of  the 
abbess  and  Margarita,  with  their  black  rosa- 
ries! 

Rouse !  rouse ! but  'tis  too  late  —  the 

horrid  words  are  pronounced  this  mo- 
ment  

and  how  to  tell  them — Ye,  who  can 


speak   of  every  thing   existing,  with   unpol- 
luted lips — instruct  me guide  me 


CHAPTER    XXV. 

ALL   sins   whatever,    quoth    the   abbess, 
turning   casuist   in    the    distress    they 
were  under,  are  held  by  the  confessor 
of  our  convent  to  be  either  mortal  or  venial: 
there  is  no  further  division.     Now  a  venial 
sin  being  the  slightest  and  least  of  all  sins, 

59 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

— being  halved — by  taking,  either  only  the 
half  of  it,  and  leaving  the  rest — or,  by  tak- 
ing it  all,  and  amicably  halving  it  betwixt 
yourself  and  another  person — in  course  be- 
comes diluted  into  no  sin  at  all. 

Now  I  see  no  sin  in  saying,  bou,  bou,  bou, 
bou,  bou,  a  hundred  times  together;  nor  is 
there  any  turpitude  in  pronouncing  the  syl- 
lable ger,  ger,  ger,  ger,  ger,  were  it  from 
our  matins  to  our  vespers:  Therefore,  my 
dear  daughter,  continued  the  abbess  of  An- 
douillets — I  will  say  bou,  and  thou  shalt  say 
ger;  and  then  alternately,  as  there  is  no 
more  sin  in  fou  than  in  bou — Thou  shalt 
say  fou — and  I  will  come  in  (like  fa,  sol,  la, 
le,  mi,  ut,  at  our  complines)  with  ter.  And 
accordingly  the  abbess,  giving  the  pitch  note, 
set  off  thus : 

Abbess,        [  Bou  -  -  bou  -  -  bou  -  - 

Margarita,  )  ger,  -  -  ger,  -  -  ger. 

Margarita,  \  Fou  -  -  fou  -  -  fou  -  - 
Abbess,        [ ter,  -  -  ter,  -  -  ter. 

The  two  mules  acknowledged  the  notes 
by  a  mutual  lash  of  their  tails;  but  it  went 

no  further. 'Twill  answer  by  an'  by,  said 

the  novice. 

60 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Abbess,        |    Bou-  boil-  bou-  bou-  bou-  bou- 
Margarita,  )  — ger,  ger,   ger,  ger,   ger,  ger. 

Quicker  still,  cried  Margarita. 

Fou,  fou,  fou,  fou,  fou,  fou,  fou,  fou,  fou.. 

Quicker  still,  cried  Margarita. 

Bou,  bou,  bou,  bou,  bou,  bou,  bou,  bou, 
bou. 

Quicker  still — God  preserve  me!  said  the 
abbess — They  do  not  understand  us,  cried 
Margarita  —  But  the  Devil  does,  said  the 
abbess  of  Andouillets. 


CHAPTER   XXVI. 

WHAT  a  tract  of  country  have  I  run! — 
how  many  degrees  nearer  to  the  warm 
sun  am  I  advanced,  and  how  many 
fair  and  goodly  cities  have  I  seen,  during  the 
time  you  have  been  reading,  and  reflecting, 
Madam,  upon  this  story!  There's  Fontain- 
beeau,  and  Sens,  and  Joigny,  and  Auxerre, 
and  Dijon  the  capital  of  Burgundy,  and 
Challon,    and    Macon    the    capital   of   the 

61 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Maconese,  and  a  score  more  upon  the  road 

to   Lyons and    now    I    have   run    them 

over 1  might  as  well  talk  to  you  of  so 

many  market  towns  in  the  moon,  as  tell 
you  one  word  about  them:  it  will  be  this 
chapter  at  the  least,  if  not  both  this  and 
the  next  entirely  lost,  do  what  I  will 

— Why,  'tis  a  strange  story!    Tristram. 

Alas !   Madam, 

had  it  been  upon  some  melancholy  lecture 
of  the  cross — the  peace  of  meekness,  or  the 

contentment    of    resignation 1    had    not 

been  incommoded:  or  had  I  thought  of 
writing  it  upon  the  purer  abstractions  of 
the  soul,  and  that  food  of  wisdom  and 
holiness  and  contemplation,  upon  which  the 
spirit   of    man    (when    separated    from    the 

body)  is  to  subsist  for  ever You  would 

have  come  with  a  better  appetite  from  it 

1  wish  I  never  had  wrote  it:  but  as 

I  never  blot  any  thing   out let  us   use 

some  honest  means  to  get  it  out  of  our 
heads  directly. 

Pray  reach    me    my   fool's    cap 1 

fear  you  sit  upon  it,  Madam 'tis   under 

the  cushion I'll  put  it  on 

Bless    me !    you   have   had   it  upon  your 

62 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

head   this   half   hour. There  then  let  it 

stay,  with  a 

Fa-ra  diddle  di 

and  a  fa-ri  diddle  d 

and  a  high-dum — dye-dum 

riddle dumb  -  c. 

And  now,  Madam,  we  may  venture,  I  hope, 
a  little  to  go  on. 


CHAPTER    XXVII. 

All  you  need  say  of  Fontainbleau  (in 

case  you  are  ask'd)  is,  that  it  stands  about 
forty  miles  (south  something)  from  Paris,  in 

the  middle  of  a  large  forest That  there 

is   something    great   in    it That  the  king 

goes  there  once  every  two  or  three  years, 
with  his  whole  court,  for  the  pleasure  of 
the  chase — and  that,  during  that  carnival  of 
sporting,  any  English  gentleman  of  fashion 
(you  need  not  forget  yourself)  may  be  ac- 
commodated with  a  nag  or  two,  to  partake 
of  the  sport,  taking  care  only  not  to  out- 
gallop the  king 

63 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

Though  there  are  two  reasons  why  you 
need  not  talk  loud  of  this  to  every  one. 

First,  Because  'twill  make  the  said  nags 
the  harder  to  be  got;  and 

Secondly,  'Tis  not  a  word  of  it  true. 

A  lions! 

As  for  Sens you  may  dispatch  it  in  a 

word "'Tis  an  archiepiscopal  see." 

For   Joigny — the   less,    I    think,   one 

says  of  it,  the  better. 

But  for  Auxerre — I  could  go  on  for  ever: 
for  in  my  grand  tour  through  Europe,  in 
which,  after  all,  my  father  (not  caring  to  trust 
me  with  any  one)  attended  me  himself,  with 
my  uncle  Toby,  and  Trim,  and  Obadiah,  and 
indeed  most  of  the  family,  except  my  mother, 
who  being  taken  up  with  a  project  of  knitting 
my  father  a  pair  of  large  worsted  breeches — 
(the  thing  is  common  sense) — and  she  not 
caring  to  be  put  out  of  her  way,  she  staid  at 
home,  at  Shandy  Hall,  to  keep  things  right 
during  the  expedition;  in  which,  I  say,  my 
father  stopping  us  two  days  at  Auxerre,  and 
his  researches  being  ever  of  such  a  nature, 
that  they  would   have  found  fruit  even  in  a 

desert he  has  left  me  enough  to  say  upon 

Auxerre  :  in  short,  wherever  my  father  went 

64 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

but   'twas   more   remarkably  so,   in   this 

journey  through  France  and  Italy,  than  in 

any  other  stages  of  his  life his  road  seemed 

to  lie  so  much  on  one  side  of  that,  wherein  all 
other  travellers  have  gone  before  him — he  saw 
kings  and  courts  and  silks  of  all  colours,  in 

such  strange  lights and   his   remarks  and 

reasonings  upon  the  characters,  the  manners, 
and  customs  of  the  countries  we  pass'd  over, 
were  so  opposite  to  those  of  all  other  mortal 
men,  particularly  those  of  my  uncle  Toby  and 
Trim — (to  say  nothing  of  myself) — and  to 
crown  all — the  occurrences  and  scrapes  which 
we  were  perpetually  meeting  and  getting  in- 
to, in  consequence  of  his  systems  and  opin- 
iatry — they  were  of  so  odd,  so  mix'd  and 
tragi-comical  a  contexture — That  the  whole 
put  together,  it  appears  of  so  different  a  shade 
and  tint  from  any  tour  of  Europe,  which  was 
ever  executed — that  I  will  venture  to  pro- 
nounce— the  fault  must  be  mine  and  mine 
only — if  it  be  not  read  by  all  travellers  and 
travel-readers,  till  travelling  is  no  more, — or 
which  comes  to  the  same  point — till  the 
world,  finally,  takes  it  into  its  head  to  stand 

still. 

But  this  rich  bale  is  not  to  be  open'd 

65 


THE   LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

now;  except  a  small  thread  or  two  of  it, 
merely  to  unravel  the  mystery  of  my  father's 
stay  at  Auxerre. 

As  I  have  mentioned  it — 'tis  too  slight 

to  be  kept  suspended ;  and  when  'tis  wove  in, 
there  is  an  end  of  it. 

We'll  go,  brother  Toby,  said  my  father, 
whilst  dinner  is  coddling — to  the  abby  of 
Saint  Germain,  if  it  be  only  to  see  these 
bodies,  of  which  Monsieur  Sequier  has  given 

such  a  recommendation. I'll  go  see  any 

body,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby;  for  he  was  all 
compliance  through  every  step  of  the  jour- 
ney  Defend   me!    said   my  father — they 

are   all   mummies Then    one    need    not 

shave;   quoth  my  uncle   Toby Shave!  no 

— cried  my  father — 'twill  be  more  like  rela- 
tions to  go  with  our  beards  on — So  out  we 
sallied,  the  corporal  lending  his  master  his 
arm,  and  bringing  up  the  rear,  to  the  abby 
of  Saint  Germain. 

Every  thing  is  very  fine,  and  very  rich, 
and  very  superb,  and  very  magnificent,  said 
my  father,  addressing  himself  to  the  sacris- 
tan, who  was  a  younger  brother  of  the  order 
of  Benedictines — but  our  curiosity  has  led  us 
to  see  the  bodies,  of  which  Monsieur  Sequier 

66 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

has  given  the  world  so  exact  a  description. — 
The  sacristan  made  a  bow,  and  lighting  a 
torch  first,  which  he  had  always  in  the  ves- 
try ready  for  the  purpose;    he  led   us  into 

the  tomb  of  St  Heribald This,  said  the 

sacristan,  laying  his  hand  upon  the  tomb, 
was  a  renowned  prince  of  the  house  of 
Bavaria,  who  under  the  successive  reigns  of 
Charlemagne,  Louis  le  Debonnair,  and  Charles 
the  Bald,  bore  a  great  sway  in  the  govern- 
ment, and  had  a  principal  hand  in  bringing 
every  thing  into  order  and  discipline 

Then  he  has  been  as  great,  said  my  uncle, 

in  the  field,  as  in  the  cabinet 1  dare  say 

he  has  been  a  gallant  soldier He  was  a 

monk — said  the  sacristan. 

My  uncle  Toby  and  Trim  sought  comfort 
in  each  other's  faces — but  found  it  not:  my 
father  clapped  both  his  hands  upon  his  cod- 
piece, which  was  a  way  he  had  when  any 
thing  hugely  tickled  him :  for  though  he 
hated    a    monk    and    the    very    smell    of    a 

monk  worse  than  all  the  devils  in  hell 

yet  the  shot  hitting  my  uncle  Toby  and 
Trim  so  much  harder  than  him,  'twas  a 
relative  triumph ;  and  put  him  into  the 
gayest  humour  in  the  world. 

6T 


THE   LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 


-And  pray  what  do  you  call  this  gen- 


tleman? quoth  my  father,  rather  sportingly: 
This  tomb,  said  the  young  Benedictine,  look- 
ing downwards,  contains  the  bones  of  Saint 
Maxima,  who  came  from  Ravenna  on  pur- 
pose to  touch  the  body 

Of    Saint   Maximus,   said   my  father, 


popping  in  with  his  saint  before  him, — they 
were  two  of  the  greatest  saints  in  the  whole 

martyrology,  added  my  father Excuse  me, 

said  the  sacristan 'twas  to  touch  the 

bones  of   Saint  Germain,  the  builder  of  the 

abby And  what  did  she  get  by  it?  said 

my  uncle   Toby What    does    any  woman 

get  by  it?  said  my  father Martyrdome; 

replied  the  young  Benedictine,  making  a  bow 
down  to  the  ground,  and  uttering  the  word 
with  so  humble,  but  decisive  a  cadence,  it 
disarmed  my  father  for  a  moment.  'Tis 
supposed,  continued  the  Benedictine,  that  St 
Maxima  has  lain  in  this  tomb  four  hundred 
years,  and  two  hundred  before  her  canoniza- 
tion  'Tis  but  a  slow  rise,  brother  Toby, 

quoth  my  father,  in  this  self-same  army  of 

martyrs. A  desperate  slow  one,  an'  please 

your  honour,  said  Trim,  unless  one  could  pur- 
chase  1   should   rather  sell  out  entirely, 

68 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

quoth  my  uncle  Toby 1  am  pretty  much 

of  your  opinion,  brother  Toby,  said  my 
father. 

Poor  St  Maxima!  said  my  uncle  Toby 

low  to  himself,  as  we  turn'd  from  her  tomb: 
She  was  one  of  the  fairest  and  most  beautiful 
ladies   either   of  Italy  or  France,  continued 

the  sacristan But  who  the  duce  has  got 

lain  down  here,  besides  her  ?  quoth  my 
father,    pointing    with    his    cane    to    a    large 

tomb  as  we  walked  on It  is  Saint  Optat, 

Sir,  answered  the  sacristan And  properly 

is  Saint  Optat  plac'd!  said  my  father:  And 
what  is  Saint  Optafs  story  ?  continued  he. 
Saint  Optat,  replied  the  sacristan,  was  a 
bishop 

1    thought   so,    by    heaven!    cried   my 

father,  interrupting  him Saint  Optat! 

how  should  Saint  Optat  fail  ?  so  snatching 
out  his  pocket-book,  and  the  young  Bene- 
dictine holding  him  the  torch  as  he  wrote, 
he  set  it  down  as  a  new  prop  to  his  system 
of  Christian  names,  and  I  will  be  bold  to 
say,  so  disinterested  was  he  in  the  search  of 
truth,  that  had  he  found  a  treasure  in  Saint 
Optafs  tomb,  it  would  not  have  made  him 
half    so    rich:    'Twas    as    successful    a    short 


69 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

visit  as  ever  was  paid  to  the  dead;  and  so 
highly  was  his  fancy  pleas 'd  with  all  that 
had  passed  in  it,  —  that  he  determined  at 
once  to  stay  another  day  in  Auocerre. 

— I'll  see  the  rest  of  these  good  gentry 
to-morrow,  said  my  father,  as  we  cross'd 
over  the  square — And  while  you  are  paying 
that  visit,  brother  Shandy,  quoth  my  uncle 
Toby — the  corporal  and  I  will  mount  the 
ramparts. 


N 


CHAPTER    XXVIII. 

OW  this  is  the  most  puzzled  skein 

of  all for  in  this  last  chapter, 

as  far  at  least  as  it  has  help'd 
me  through  Auocerre,  I  have  been  getting 
forwards  in  two  different  journies  together, 
and  with  the  same  dash  of  the  pen — for  I 
have  got  entirely  out  of  Auxerre  in  this 
journey  which  I  am  writing  now,  and  I  am 
got  half  way  out  of  Auocerre  in  that  which 

I    shall   write   hereafter There    is    but   a 

certain  degree  of  perfection  in  every  thing; 

70 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

and  by  pushing  at  something  beyond  that, 
I  have  brought  myself  into  such  a  situation, 
as  no  traveller  ever  stood  before  me;  for  I 
am  this  moment  walking  across  the  market- 
place of  Auxerre  with   my  father  and  my 

uncle  Toby>  in  our  way  back  to  dinner 

and  I  am  this  moment  also  entering  Lyons 
with  my  post-chaise  broke  into  a  thousand 
pieces — and  I  am  moreover  this  moment  in 
a  handsome  pavillion  built  by  Pringello* 
upon  the  banks  of  the  Garonne,  which  Mons. 
Sligniac  has  lent  me,  and  where  I  now  sit 
rhapsodising  all  these  affairs. 

Let   me   collect   myself,    and   pursue 

my  journey. 


•The  same  Don  Pringello,  the  celebrated  Spanish  architect, 
of  whom  my  cousin  Antony  has  made  such  honourable  mention 
in  a  scholium  to  the  Tale  inscribed  to  his  name. — Vid.  p.  129, 
small  edit 

Tl 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XXIX. 

I   AM   glad  of  it,  said  I,  settling  the  ac- 
count  with    myself,   as    I    walk'd    into 
Lyons my  chaise  being  all  laid  hig- 
gledy-piggledy with  my  baggage  in  a  cart, 

which   was   moving   slowly  before   me 1 

am  heartily  glad,  said  I,  that  'tis  all  broke 
to  pieces;  for  now  I  can  go  directly  by 
water  to  Avignon,  which  will  carry  me  on 
a  hundred  and  twenty  miles  of  my  journey, 

and   not   cost   me   seven   livres and  from 

thence,  continued  I,  bringing  forwards  the 
account,  I  can  hire  a  couple  of  mules — or 
asses,  if  I  like,  (for  nobody  knows  me)  and 
cross    the    plains    of  Languedoc,  for   almost 

nothing 1   shall  gain  four  hundred  livres 

by  the  misfortune  clear  into  my  purse;  and 
pleasure!  worth — worth  double  the  money 
by  it.  With  what  velocity,  continued  I, 
clapping  my  two  hands  together,  shall  I  fly 
down  the  rapid  Rhone,  with  the  Vivares  on 
my  right  hand,  and  Dauphiny  on  my  left, 
scarce  seeing  the  ancient  cities  of  Vienne, 

72 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Valence,  and  Vivieres.  What  a  flame  will 
it  rekindle  in  the  lamp,  to  snatch  a  blush- 
ing grape  from  the  Hermitage  and  Cote  roti, 
as  I  shoot  by  the  foot  of  them!  and  what  a 
fresh  spring  in  the  blood !  to  behold  upon 
the  banks  advancing  and  retiring,  the  castles 
of  romance,  whence  courteous  knights  have 

whilome   rescued   the   distress 'd and    see 

vertiginous,  the  rocks,  the  mountains,  the 
cataracts,  and  all  the  hurry  which  Nature  is 

in  with  all  her  great  works  about  her 

As  I  went  on  thus,  methought  my  chaise, 
the  wreck  of  which  look'd  stately  enough 
at  the  first,  insensibly  grew  less  and  less  in 
its  size;  the  freshness  of  the  painting  was  no 
more — the  gilding  lost  its  lustre  —  and  the 
whole  affair  appeared  so  poor  in  my  eyes — 
so  sorry! — so  contemptible!  and,  in  a  word, 
so  much  worse  than  the  abbess  of  Andouil- 
lets'  itself — that  I  was  just  opening  my 
mouth  to  give  it  to  the  devil — when  a  pert 
vamping  chaise- undertaker,  stepping  nimbly 
across    the    street,    demanded    if    Monsieur 

would    have    his    chaise    refitted No,    no, 

said  I,  shaking  my  head  sideways — Would 
Monsieur  chuse  to  sell  it?  rejoined  the  un- 
dertaker —  With   all   my   soul,    said    I  —  the 

73 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

iron  work  is  worth  forty  livres  —  and  the 
glasses  worth  forty  more — and  the  leather 
you  may  take  to  live  on. 

What  a  mine  of  wealth,  quoth  I,  as  he 
counted  me  the  money,  has  this  post-chaise 
brought  me  in  ?  And  this  is  my  usual 
method  of  book-keeping,  at  least  with  the 
disasters  of  life — making  a  penny  of  every 
one  of  'em  as  they  happen  to  me 

Do,    my   dear  Jenny,  tell  the  world 


for  me,  how  I  behaved  under  one,  the  most 
oppressive  of  its  kind,  which  could  befal  me 
as  a  man,  proud,  as  he  ought  to  be,  of  his 

manhood 

'Tis  enough,  saidst  thou,  coming  close  up 
to  me,  as  I  stood  with  my  garters  in  my 
hand,  reflecting  upon  what  had  not  pass'd 
'Tis  enough,  Tristram,  and  I  am  satis- 
fied, saidst  thou,  whispering  these  words  in 

#* any  other  man  would  have  sunk  down 

to  the  center 

Every  thing  is  good   for  something, 


quoth  I. 

I'll  go  into  Wales  for  six  weeks,  and 

drink  goat's  whey — and  I'll  gain  seven  years 
longer  life  for  the  accident.     For  which  rea- 

74 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

son  I  think  myself  inexcusable,  for  blaming 
fortune  so  often  as  I  have  done,  for  pelt- 
ing me  all  my  life  long,  like  an  ungracious 
duchess,  as  I  call'd  her,  with  so  many  small 
evils:  surely  if  I  have  any  cause  to  be  an- 
gry with  her,  'tis  that  she  has  not  sent  me 
great  ones — a  score  of  good  cursed,  bounc- 
ing losses,  would  have  been  as  good  as  a 
pension  to  me. 

One  of  a  hundred  a  year,  or  so,  is  all 

I  wish — I  would  not  be  at  the  plague  of 
paying  land-tax  for  a  larger. 


CHAPTER    XXX. 

TO  those  who  call  vexations,  vexations, 
as  knowing  what  they  are,  there  could 
not  be  a  greater,  than  to  be  the  best 
part  of  a  day  at  Lyons,  the  most  opulent 
and  flourishing  city  in  France,  enriched  with 
the  most  fragments  of  antiquity — and  not 
be  able  to  see  it.  To  be  withheld  upon 
any  account,  must  be  a  vexation;  but  to  be 

75 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

withheld  by  a  vexation must  certainly  be, 

what  philosophy  justly  calls 


VEXATION 

UPON 

VEXATION. 

I  had  got  my  two  dishes  of  milk  coffee 
(which  by  the  bye  is  excellently  good  for 
a  consumption,  but  you  must  boil  the  milk 
and  coffee  together — otherwise  'tis  only  cof- 
fee and  milk) — and  as  it  was  no  more  than 
eight  in  the  morning,  and  the  boat  did  not 
go  off  till  noon,  I  had  time  to  see  enough 
of  Lyons  to  tire  the  patience  of  all  the 
friends  I  had  in  the  world  with  it.  I  will 
take  a  walk  to  the  cathedral,  said  I,  look- 
ing at  my  list,  and  see  the  wonderful  me- 
chanism of  this  great  clock  of  Lippius  of 
Basil,  in  the  first  place 

Now,  of  all  things  in  the  world,  I  under- 
stand   the    least    of   mechanism 1    have 

neither  genius,  or  taste,  or  fancy — and  have 
a  brain  so  entirely  unapt  for  every  thing  of 
that   kind,   that    I    solemnly   declare    I    was 

76 


OF   TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

never  yet  able  to  comprehend  the  principles 
of  motion  of  a  squirrel  cage,  or  a  common 
knife-grinder's  wheel — tho'  I  have  many  an 
hour  of  my  life  look'd  up  with  great  devo- 
tion at  the  one — and  stood  by  with  as  much 
patience  as  any  christian  ever  could  do,  at 
the  other 

I'll  go  see  the  surprising  movements  of 
this  great  clock,  said  I,  the  very  first  thing 
I  do:  and  then  I  will  pay  a  visit  to  the 
great  library  of  the  Jesuits,  and  procure,  if 
possible,  a  sight  of  the  thirty  volumes  of 
the  general  history  of  China,  wrote  (not  in 
the  Tartarean)  but  in  the  Chinese  language, 
and  in  the  Chinese  character  too. 

Now  I  almost  know  as  little  of  the  Chinese 
language,  as  I  do  of  the  mechanism  of  Lip- 
pius\s  clock-work;  so,  why  these  should  have 
jostled  themselves  into  the  two  first  articles 

of   my  list 1    leave   to   the   curious   as   a 

problem  of  Nature.  I  own  it  looks  like  one 
of  her  ladyship's  obliquities;  and  they  who 
court  her,  are  interested  in  finding  out  her 
humour  as  much  as  I. 

When  these  curiosities  are  seen,  quoth  I, 
half  addressing  myself  to  my  valet  de  place ', 
who  stood  behind  me 'twill   be   no  hurt 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

if  we  go  to  the  church  of  St  Irenceus,  and 

see  the  pillar  to  which  Christ  was  tied 

and  after  that,  the  house  where  Pontius  Pilate 
lived — ■ — 'Twas  at  the  next  town,  said  the 
valet  de  place — at  Vienne;  I  am  glad  of  it, 
said  I,  rising  briskly  from  my  chair,  and 
walking  across  the  room  with  strides  twice 
as  long  as  my  usual  pace— — -"for  so  much 
the  sooner  shall  I  be  at  the  Tomb  of  the 
two  lovers." 

What  was  the  cause  of  this  movement, 
and  why  I  took  such  long  strides  in  utter- 
ing this 1   might   leave   to    the   curious 

too ;    but  as   no   principle   of  clock-work   is 

concerned  in  it 'twill  be  as  well  for  the 

reader  if  I  explain  it  myself. 


T8 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XXXI. 

O!   there   is  a  sweet  aera  in  the  life  of 
man  when,  (the  brain  being  tender  and 
fibrinous,  and  more  like  pap  than  any 
thing  else) — a  story  read  of  two  fond  lovers, 
separated  from  each  other  by  cruel  parents, 
and  by  still  more  cruel  destiny 

Amandus He 

Amanda She 

each  ignorant  of  the  other's  course, 

He east 

She west 

Amandus  taken  captive  by  the  Turks,  and 
carried  to  the  emperor  of  Morocco's  court, 
where  the  princess  of  Morocco  falling  in 
love  with  him,  keeps  him   twenty  years   in 

prison,  for  the  love  of  his  Amanda. 

She — (Amanda)  all  the  time  wandering 
barefoot,  and  with  dishevell'd  hair,  o'er 
rocks  and  mountains,  enquiring  for  Aman- 
dus   A  mandus  I      A  mandus  ! making 

every  hill  and  valley  to  echo  back  his 
name 

Amandus!  Amandus! 

TO 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

at  every  town  and  city,  sitting  down  for- 
lorn at  the  gate Has  Amandus! — has  my 

Amandus   enter 'd  ? till, going  round, 

and  round,  and  round  the  world chance 

unexpected  bringing  them  at  the  same  mo- 
ment of  the  night,  though  by  different 
ways,  to  the  gate  of  Lyons,  their  native 
city,  and  each  in  well-known  accents  call- 
ing out  aloud, 

Is  Amandus  1    ^  aUye? 

Is  my  Amanda    ) 
they  fly  into    each    other's   arms,  and   both 
drop  down  dead  for  joy. 

There  is  a  soft  a?ra  in  every  gentle  mor- 
tal's life,  where  such  a  story  affords  more 
pabulum  to  the  brain,  than  all  the  Frusts, 
and  Crusts,  and  Rusts  of  antiquity,  which 
travellers  can  cook  up  for  it. 

'Twas  all  that  stuck  on  the  right  side 

of  the  cullender  in  my  own,  of  what  Spon 
and  others,  in  their  accounts  of  Lyons,  had 
strained  into   it;    and   finding,  moreover,  in 

some  Itinerary,  but  in  what  God  knows 

That  sacred  to  the  fidelity  of  Amandus  and 
Amanda,  a  tomb  was  built  without  the 
gates,  where,  to  this  hour,  lovers  called 
upon  them  to  attest  their  truths 1  never 

80 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

could  get  into  a  scrape  of  that  kind  in  my 
life,  but  this  tomb  of  the  lovers  would,  some- 
how or  other,  come  in  at  the  close nay 

such  a  kind  of  empire  had  it  establish'd  over 
me,  that  I  could  seldom  think  or  speak  of 
Lyons — and  sometimes  not  so  much  as  see 
even  a  Lyons-waistcoat,  but  this  remnant  of 
antiquity  would  present  itself  to  my  fancy; 
and  I  have  often  said  in  my  wild  way  of 
running  on tho'  I  fear  with  some  irrev- 
erence  "I  thought  this  shrine  (neglected 

as  it  was)  as  valuable  as  that  of  Mecca,  and 
so  little  short,  except  in  wealth,  of  the  Santa 
Casa  itself,  that  some  time  or  other,  I  would 
go  a  pilgrimage  (though  I  had  no  other 
business  at  Lyons)  on  purpose  to  pay  it  a 
visit." 

In  my  list,  therefore,  of  Videnda  at  Lyons, 
this,  tho'  last, — was  not,  you  see,  least;  so 
taking  a  dozen  or  two  of  longer  strides  than 
usual  across  my  room,  just  whilst  it  passed 
my  brain,  I  walked  down  calmly  into  the 
Basse  Cour,  in  order  to  sally  forth;  and 
having  called  for  my  bill — as  it  was  uncer- 
tain whether  I  should  return  to  my  inn,   I 

had  paid  it had  moreover  given  the  maid 

ten  sous,  and  was  just  receiving  the  dernier 

81 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

compliments  of   Monsieur  Le  Blanc,  for   a 

pleasant  voyage  down  the  Rhone when  I 

was  stopped  at  the  gate 


CHAPTER    XXXII. 

V  ■  AW  AS  by  a  poor  ass,  who  had  just 

JL  turned  in  with  a  couple  of  large 
panniers  upon  his  back,  to  collect 
eleemosynary  turnip- tops  and  cabbage-  leaves ; 
and  stood  dubious,  with  his  two  fore-feet  on 
the  inside  of  the  threshold,  and  with  his 
two  hinder  feet  towards  the  street,  as  not 
knowing  very  well  whether  he  was  to  go  in 
or  no. 

Now,   'tis  an  animal  (be  in  what  hurry  I 

may)  I   cannot  bear  to  strike there  is  a 

patient  endurance  of  sufferings,  wrote  so  un- 
affectedly in  his  looks  and  carriage,  which 
pleads  so  mightily  for  him,  that  it  always 
disarms  me;  and  to  that  degree,  that  I  do 
not  like  to  speak  unkindly  to  him:  on  the 
contrary,  meet  him  where  I  will — whether 
in  town  or  country — in  cart  or  under  pan- 

82 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

niers — whether   in   liberty   or   bondage 1 

have  ever  something  civil  to  say  to  him  on 
my  part;  and  as  one  word  begets  another 
(if  he  has  as  little  to  do  as  I) 1  gener- 
ally fall  into  conversation  with  him ;  and 
surely  never  is  my  imagination  so  busy  as 
in  framing  his  responses  from  the  etchings 
of  his  countenance! — and  where  those  carry 

me  not  deep  enough in  flying  from  my 

own  heart  into  his,  and  seeing  what  is  nat- 
ural for  an  ass  to  think — as  well  as  a  man, 
upon  the  occasion.  In  truth,  it  is  the  only 
creature  of  all  the  classes  of  beings  below 
me,  with  whom  I  can  do  this:  for  parrots, 

jackdaws,   &c. 1   never  exchange  a  word 

with   them nor  with    the    apes,    &c.    for 

pretty  near  the  same  reason;  they  act  by 
rote,  as  the  others  speak  by  it,  and  equally 
make   me  silent:   nay  my  dog  and  my  cat, 

though   I  value  them  both (and   for  my 

dog  he  would  speak  if  he  could) — yet  some- 
how or  other,  they  neither  of  them  possess 

the   talents  for  conversation 1  can   make 

nothing  of  a  discourse  with  them,  beyond 
the  proposition,  the  reply,  and  rejoinder, 
which  terminated  my  father's  and  my 
mother's   conversations,   in   his   beds   of  jus- 

83 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

tice and  those  utter'd there's  an  end 

of  the  dialogue 

— But  with  an  ass,  I  can  commune  for 
ever. 

Come,  Honesty!  said   I, seeing  it  was 

impracticable  to  pass  betwixt  him   and   the 

gate art  thou   for   coming  in,   or  going 

out? 

The  ass  twisted  his  head  round  to  look 
up  the  street 

Well — replied  I — we'll  wait  a  minute  for 
thy  driver: 

He  turned  his  head  thoughtful  about, 

and  looked  wistfully  the  opposite  way 


I   understand   thee   perfectly,    answered    I 
If   thou   takest   a    wrong   step   in    this 


affair,  he  will  cudgel  thee  to  death Well! 

a  minute  is  but  a  minute,  and  if  it  saves  a 
fellow-creature  a  drubbing,  it  shall  not  be 
set  down  as  ill  spent. 

He  was  eating  the  stem  of  an  artichoke 
as  this  discourse  went  on,  and  in  the  little 
peevish  contentions  of  nature  betwixt  hun- 
ger and  unsavouriness,  had  dropt  it  out  of 
his  mouth  half  a  dozen  times,  and  pick'd  it 

up   again God   help   thee,  Jack!  said    I, 

thou  hast  a  bitter  breakfast  on't — and  many 


84 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

a   bitter   day's   labour — and   many   a   bitter 

blow,    I    fear,   for   its   wages 'tis  all — all 

bitterness  to  thee,  whatever  life  is  to  others. 

And  now  thy  mouth,  if  one  knew  the 

truth  of  it,  is  as  bitter,  I  dare  say,  as  soot 
— (for  he  had  cast  aside  the  stem)  and  thou 
hast  not  a  friend  perhaps  in  all  this  world, 
that  will  give  thee  a  macaroon. In  say- 
ing this,  I  pull'd  out  a  paper  of  'em,  which 
I  had  just  purchased,  and  gave  him  one — 
and  at  this  moment  that  I  am  telling  it, 
my  heart  smites  me,  that  there  was  more  of 
pleasantry  in  the  conceit,  of  seeing  how  an 
ass  would  eat  a  macaroon than  of  be- 
nevolence in  giving  him  one,  which  presided 
in  the  act. 

When  the  ass  had  eaten  his  macaroon,  I 

press 'd   him  to  come   in the   poor  beast 

was   heavily   loaded his    legs    seem'd    to 

tremble  under  him he  hung  rather  back- 
wards, and  as  I  pull'd  at  his  halter,  it  broke 

short  in  my  hand he  look'd  up  pensive 

in  my  face — "Don't  thrash  me  with  it — but 

if  you  will,  you  may" If  I  do,  said  I, 

I'll  be  d d. 

The    word    was    but    one- half   of   it    pro- 
nounced, like   the    abbess    of  Andouillets' — 

as 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

(so  there  was  no  sin  in  it) — when  a  person 
coming  in,  let  fall  a  thundering  bastinado 
upon  the  poor  devil's  crupper,  which  put  an 
end  to  the  ceremony. 

Out  upon  it! 
cried  I but  the  interjection  was  equivo- 
cal  and,   I   think,  wrong  placed  too — for 

the  end  of  an  osier  which  had  started  out 
from  the  contexture  of  the  ass's  pannier, 
had  caught  hold  of  my  breeches  pocket,  as 
he  rush'd  by  me,   and  rent  it  in  the  most 

disastrous   direction   you   can    imagine so 

that  the 

Out  upon  it!  in  my  opinion,  should  have 
come  in  here but  this  I  leave  to  be  set- 
tled by 

THE 

REVIEWERS 

OF 

MY   BREECHES, 

which  I  have  brought  over  along  with  me 
for  that  purpose. 


86 


OF   TRISTRAM   SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XXXIII. 

WHEN  all  was  set  to  rights,  I  came 
down  stairs  again  into  the  basse  cour 
with  my  valet  de  place,  in  order  to 
sally  out  towards  the  tomb  of  the  two 
lovers,  &c. — and  was  a  second  time  stopp'd 

at  the  gate not  by  the  ass — but  by  the 

person  who  struck  him;  and  who,  by  that 
time,  had  taken  possession  (as  is  not  un- 
common after  a  defeat)  of  the  very  spot  of 
ground  where  the  ass  stood. 

It  was  a  commissary  sent  to  me  from  the 
post-office,  with  a  rescript  in  his  hand  for 
the  payment  of  some  six  livres  odd  sous. 

Upon  what  account?  said  I. 'Tis  upon 

the  part  of  the  king,  replied  the  commissary, 
heaving  up  both  his  shoulders 

My  good  friend,  quoth  I as    sure 


as  I  am  I — and  you  are  you 

And  who  are  you?  said  he.- 


Don't  puzzle  me;  said  I. 


87 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XXXIV. 

But  it  is  an  indubitable  verity,  con- 
tinued I,  addressing  myself  to  the  commis- 
sary, changing  only  the  form  of  my  asse- 
veration  that  I    owe  the  king  of  France 

nothing  but  my  good- will;  for  he  is  a  very 
honest  man,  and  I  wish  him  all  health  and 
pastime  in  the  world 

Pardonnez  mot — replied  the  commissary, 
you  are  indebted  to  him  six  livres  four 
sous,  for  the  next  post  from  hence  to  St 
Fans,  in  your  route  to  Avignon — which  be- 
ing a  post  royal,  you  pay  double  for  the 
horses  and  postillion — otherwise  'twould  have 
amounted  to  no  more  than  three  livres,  two 
sous 

But  I  don't  go  by  land;  said  I. 

You   may  if  you  please;   replied  the 


commissary 

Your    most    obedient    servant said    I, 

making  him  a  low  bow 

The  commissary,  with  all  the  sincerity  of 

88 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

grave  good  breeding — made  me  one,  as  low 

again. 1    never   was    more    disconcerted 

with  a  bow  in  my  life. 

The  devil  take  the  serious   character 

of  these  people!  quoth  I — (aside)  they  un- 
derstand no  more  of  irony  than  this 

The  comparison  was  standing  close  by 
with  his  panniers — but  something  seal'd  up 
my  lips — I  could  not  pronounce  the  name — 

Sir,  said  I,  collecting  myself — it  is  not 
my  intention  to  take  post 

— But  you  may — said  he,  persisting  in 
his  first  reply — you  may  take  post  if  you 
chuse 

— And  I  may  take  salt  to  my  pickled 
herring,  said  I,  if  I  chuse 

— But  I  do  not  chuse — 

— But  you  must  pay  for  it,  whether  you 
do  or  no. 

Aye!  for  the  salt;  said  I  (I  know) 

— And  for  the  post  too;  added  he.  De- 
fend me!  cried  I 

I  travel  by  water — I  am  going  down  the 
Rhone  this  very  afternoon — my  baggage  is 
in  the  boat — and  I  have  actually  paid  nine 
livres  for  my  passage 

C'est  tout  egal — 'tis  all  one;  said  he. 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

Bon  Dieul  what,  pay  for  the  way  I  go! 
and  for  the  way  I  do  not  go! 

Cest  tout  egal;  replied  the  commis- 

sary- 


-The  devil  it  is!  said  I — but  I  will  go 
to  ten  thousand  Bastiles  first 


0  England/  England/  thou  land  of  lib- 
erty, and  climate  of  good  sense,  thou  ten- 
derest  of  mothers — and  gentlest  of  nurses, 
cried  I,  kneeling  upon  one  knee,  as  I  was 
beginning  my  apostrophe. 

When  the  director  of  Madam  Le  Blanc's 
conscience  coming  in  at  that  instant,  and 
seeing  a  person  in  black,  with  a  face  as  pale 
as  ashes,  at  his  devotions — looking  still  paler 
by  the  contrast  and  distress  of  his  drapery — 
ask'd,  if  I  stood  in  want  of  the  aids  of  the 
church 

1  go  by  water — said  I — and  here's  an- 
other will  be  for  making  me  pay  for  going 
by  oil. 


90 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER  XXXV. 

AS  I  perceived  the  commissary  of  the 
post-office  would  have  his  six  livres 
four  sous,  I  had  nothing  else  for  it, 
but  to  say  some  smart  thing  upon  the  occa- 
sion, worth  the  money: 

And  so  I  set  off  thus: — 

And   pray,  Mr  Commissary,  by  what 

law  of  courtesy  is  a  defenceless  stranger  to 
be  used  just  the  reverse  from  what  you  use 
a  Frenchman  in  this  matter? 

By  no  means;  said  he. 

Excuse  me;  said  I — for  you  have  begun, 
Sir,  with  first  tearing  off  my  breeches — and 
now  you  want  my  pocket 

Whereas — had  you  first  taken  my  pocket, 
as  you  do  with  your  own  people — and  then 
left  me  bare  a — 'd  after — I  had  been  a 
beast  to  have  complain' d 

As  it  is 

'Tis  contrary  to  the  law  of  nature. 

'Tis  contrary  to  reason. 

'Tis  contrary  to  the  gospel. 


91 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

But  not  to  this said   he — putting   a 

printed  paper  into  my  hand, 

Par  le  Roy. 
'Tis  a  pithy  prolegomenon,  quoth 


I — and  so  read  on 


By  all  which  it  appears,  quoth  I,  hav- 
ing read  it  over,  a  little  too  rapidly,  that  if 
a  man  sets  out  in  a  post-chaise  from  Paris 
— he  must  go  on  travelling  in  one,  all  the 
days  of  his  life — or  pay  for  it. — Excuse  me, 
said  the  commissary,  the  spirit  of  the  ordi- 
nance is  this — That  if  you  set  out  with  an 
intention  of  running  post  from  Paris  to 
Avignon,  &c.  you  shall  not  change  that  in- 
tention or  mode  of  travelling,  without  first 
satisfying  the  fermiers  for  two  posts  further 
than  the  place  you  repent  at  —  and  'tis 
founded,  continued  he,  upon  this,  that  the 
revenues  are  not  to  fall  short  through  your 
fickleness 

92 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

O   by  heavens!   cried   I  ~if  fickleness 

is  taxable  in  France — we  have  nothing  to 
do  but  to  make  the  best  peace  with  you 
we  can 

AND    SO    THE    PEACE    WAS    MADE; 

And  if  it  is  a  bad  one  —  as  Tristram 

Shandy  laid  the  corner-stone  of  it — nobody 
but  Tristram  Shandy  ought  to  be  hanged. 


CHAPTER    XXXVI. 

THOUGH  I  was  sensible  I  had  said  as 
many  clever  things  to  the  commissary 
as  came  to  six  livres  four  sous,  yet  I 
was  determined  to  note  down  the  imposi- 
tion amongst  my  remarks  before  I  retired 
from  the  place;  so  putting  my  hand  into 
my  coat-pocket  for  my  remarks — (which,  by 
the  bye,  may  be  a  caution  to  travellers  to 
take  a  little  more  care  of  their  remarks  for 

the  future)  "my  remarks  were  stolen" 

Never  did  sorry  traveller  make  such  a  pother 
and  racket  about  his  remarks  as  I  did  about 
mine,   upon  the  occasion. 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Heaven!  earth!  sea!  fire!  cried  I,  calling 
in  every  thing  to  my  aid  but  what  I  should 

My  remarks  are  stolen! — what  shall  I 

do? Mr.    Commissary!    pray  did   I   drop 

any  remarks,  as  I  stood  besides  you? 

You  dropp'd   a  good  many  very  singular 

ones;    replied    he Pugh!    said    I,    those 

were  but  a  few,  not  worth  above  six  livres 

two   sous — but  these  are  a  large  parcel 

He  shook  his  head Monsieur  Le  Blanc! 

Madam  Le  Blanc!  did  you  see  any  papers 
of  mine? — you  maid  of  the  house!  run  up 
stairs — Francois!  run  up  after  her 

— I  must  have  my  remarks they  were 

the  best  remarks,  cried  I,  that  ever  were 
made — the  wisest — the  wittiest — What  shall 
I  do?— which  way  shall  I  turn  myself? 

Sancho  Panca,  when  he  lost  his  ass's  fur- 
niture, did  not  exclaim  more  bitterly. 


94 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XXXVII. 

WHEN  the  first  transport  was  over,  and 
the  registers  of  the  brain  were  be- 
ginning to  get  a  little  out  of  the 
confusion  into  which  this  jumble  of  cross 
accidents  had  cast  them — it  then  presently 
occurr'd  to  me,  that  I  had  left  my  remarks 
in  the  pocket  of  the  chaise  —  and  that  in 
selling  my  chaise,  I  had  sold  my  remarks 
along   with   it,   to   the   chaise-vamper. 

I   leave   this   void   space   that   the 
reader   may  swear  into  it  any  oath  that  he 

is  most  accustomed  to For  my  own  part, 

if  ever  I  swore  a  whole  oath  into  a  vacancy 

in    my   life,   I   think   it   was    into    that 

********* y  said  I  —  and  so  my  remarks 
through  France,  which  were  as  full  of  wit, 
as  an  egg  is  full  of  meat,  and  as  well  worth 
four  hundred  guineas,  as  the  said  egg  is 
worth  a  penny — have  I  been  selling  here  to 
a  chaise-vamper — for  four  Louis  d'Ors — and 
giving  him  a  post-chaise  (by  heaven)  worth 
six  into  the  bargain;    had  it  been  to  Dods- 

95 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

ley,  or  Becket,  or  any  creditable  bookseller, 
who  was  either  leaving  off  business,  and 
wanted  a  post-chaise — or  who  was  begin- 
ning it — and  wanted  my  remarks,  and  two 
or  three  guineas  along  with  them — I  could 
have  borne  it but  to  a  chaise- vamper ! — 

shew   me  to   him   this   moment,  Francois — 

» 

said  I — The  valet  de  place  put  on  his  hat, 
and  led  the  way — and  I  pull'd  off  mine, 
as  I  pass'd  the  commissary,  and  followed 
him. 


CHAPTER    XXXVIII. 

WHEN  we  arrived  at  the  chaise-vamper's 
house,  both  the  house  and  the  shop 
were  shut  up;   it  was  the  eighth  of 
September,  the  nativity  of  the  blessed  Virgin 
Mary,  mother  of  God — 

Tantarra-ra-tan-tivi the  whole  world 

was  gone  out  a  May-poling — frisking  here — 

capering  there nobody  cared  a  button  for 

me  or  my  remarks ;  so  I  sat  me  down  upon 
a  bench   by  the   door,    philosophating   upon 

86 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

my  condition:  by  a  better  fate  than  usually 
attends  me,  I  had  not  waited  half  an  hour, 
when  the  mistress  came  in  to  take  the  pa- 
pilliotes  from  off  her  hair,  before  she  went 
to  the  May-poles 

The  French  women,  by  the  bye,  love 
May-poles,   a   la  folie — that  is,  as   much   as 

their    matins give  'em    but   a   May-pole, 

whether  in  May,  June,  July,  or  September — 

they  never  count  the  times down  it  goes 

'tis   meat,   drink,  washing,   and   lodging 

to  'em and   had  we   but  the   policy,  an' 

please  your  worships  (as  wood  is  a  little 
scarce  in  France),  to  send  them  but  plenty 
of  May-poles. 

The  women  would  set  them  up ;  and  when 
they  had  done,  they  would  dance  round  them 
(and  the  men  for  company)  till  they  were  all 
blind. 

The  wife  of  the  chaise-vamper  stepp'd  in, 
I  told  you,  to  take  the  papilliotes  from  off 

her    hair the    toilet    stands    still    for    no 

man so  she  jerk'd  off  her  cap,  to  begin 

with  them  as  she  open'd  the  door,  in  doing 
which,  one  of  them  fell  upon  the  ground 
1  instantly  saw  it  was  my  own  writ- 
ing  

97 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

O  Seigneur!    cried    I — you  have  got  all 

my  remarks  upon  your  head,   Madam! 

J1  en    suis    bien    mortifie'e,    said    she 'tis 

well,  thinks  I,  they  have  stuck  there — for 
could  they  have  gone  deeper,  they  would 
have  made  such  confusion  in  a  French 
woman's  noddle — She  had  better  have  gone 
with  it  unfrizled,  to  the  day  of  eternity. 

Tenez — said  she — so  without  any  idea  of 
the  nature  of  my  suffering,  she  took  them 
from   her   curls,  and   put   them   gravely  one 

by  one  into  my  hat one  was  twisted  this 

way another  twisted  that ey!  by  my 

faith;   and  when  they  are  published,  quoth 

I, 

They  will  be  worse  twisted  still. 


CHAPTER    XXXIX. 

AND    now  for  Lippius's  clock!    said    I, 
with  the  air  of  a  man,  who  had  got 

thro'  all  his  difficulties nothing  can 

prevent  us  seeing  that,  and  the  Chinese  his- 
tory, &c.  except  the  time,  said  Francois 

98 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

tor  'tis  almost  eleven — then  we  must  speed 
the  faster,  said  I,  striding  it  away  to  the 
cathedral. 

I  cannot  say,  in  my  heart,  that  it  gave 
me  any  concern  in  being  told  by  one  of 
the  minor  canons,  as  I  was  entering  the 
west  door, — That  Lippius's  great  clock  was 
all  out  of  joints,  and  had  not  gone  for  some 

years It   will   give   me  the  more  time, 

thought  I,  to  peruse  the  Chinese  history; 
and  besides  I  shall  be  able  to  give  the 
world  a  better  account  of  the  clock  in  its 
decay,  than  I  could  have  done  in  its  flour- 
ishing condition 

And  so  away  I  posted  to  the  college 


of  the  Jesuits. 

Now  it  is  with  the  project  of  getting  a 
peep  at  the  history  of  China  in  Chinese 
characters  —  as  with  many  others  I  could 
mention,  which  strike  the  fancy  only  at  a 
distance;  for  as  I  came  nearer  and  nearer 
to  the  point — my  blood  cool'd — the  freak 
gradually  went  off,  till  at  length  I  would 
not  have   given    a    cherry-stone    to   have   it 

gratified The  truth  was,  my  time  was 

short,  and   my  heart   was   at   the   Tomb  of 
the  Lovers 1  wish  to  God,  said  I,  as  I 

99 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

got  the   rapper   in    my   hand,  that  the   key 
of  the  library  may  be  but  lost;   it  fell  out 

as  well 

For  all  the  Jesuits  had  got  the  cholic — 
and  to  that  degree,  as  never  was  known  in 
the  memory  of  the  oldest  practitioner. 


CHAPTER   XL. 

AS  I  knew  the  geography  of  the  Tomb 
of  the   Lovers,  as  well   as   if    I    had 
lived  twenty  years  in  Lyons,  namely, 
that  it  was   upon   the   turning  of   my  right 
hand,  just  without  the  gate,  leading  to  the 

Fauxbourg  de  Vaise 1  dispatched  Francois 

to  the  boat,  that  I  might  pay  the  homage 
I  so  long  ow'd  it,  without  a  witness  of  my 
weakness. — I  walk'd  with  all  imaginable  joy 

towards   the   place when  I  saw  the  gate 

which  intercepted  the  tomb,  my  heart  glowed 

within  me 

— Tender    and    faithful    spirits !     cried    I, 
addressing  myself  to  Amandus  and  Amanda 
— long — long   have    I    tarried    to    drop    this 
100 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


tear  upon  your  tomb 1  come- 

come 


When  I  came — there  was  no  tomb  to  drop 
it  upon. 

What  would  I  have  given  for  my  uncle 
Toby,  to  have  whistled  Lillo  bullero! 


CHAPTER    XLI. 

NO  matter  how,  or  in  what  mood — but 
I  flew  from  the  tomb  of  the  lovers — 
or  rather  I  did  not  fly  from  it — (for 
there  was  no  such  thing  existing)  and  just 
got  time  enough  to  the  boat  to  save  my 
passage; — and  ere  I  had  sailed  a  hundred 
yards,  the  Rhone  and  the  ##071  met  together, 
and  carried  me  down  merrily  betwixt  them. 
But   I    have   described   this   voyage   down 

the  Rhone  before  I  made  it 

So    now   I   am   at   Avignon,    and    as 


there  is  nothing  to  see  but  the  old  house, 
in  which  the  duke  of  Ormond  resided,  and 
nothing  to  stop  me  but  a  short  remark 
upon  the  place,  in  three  minutes  you  will 


101 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

*ee  me  crossing  the  bridge  upon  a  mule, 
with  Francois  upon  a  horse  with  my  port- 
manteau behind  him,  and  the  owner  of 
both,  striding  the  way  before  us,  with  a 
long  gun  upon  his  shoulder,  and  a  sword 
under  his  arm,  lest  peradventure  we  should 
run   away   with    his    cattle.     Had  you  seen 

my  breeches  in  entering  Avignon, Though 

you'd  have  seen  them  better,  I  think,  as  I 
mounted — you  would  not  have  thought  the 
precaution  amiss,  or  found  in  your  heart  to 
have  taken  it  in  dudgeon:  for  my  own 
part,  I  took  it  most  kindly;  and  deter- 
mined to  make  him  a  present  of  them, 
when  we  got  to  the  end  of  our  journey, 
for  the  trouble  they  had  put  him  to,  of 
arming  himself  at  all  points  against  them. 

Before  I  go  further,  let  me  get  rid  of 
my  remark  upon  Avignon,  which  is  this: 
That  I  think  it  wrong,  merely  because  a 
man's  hat  has  been  blown  off  his  head  by 
chance  the  first  night  he  comes  to  Avignon, 

that  he  should  therefore  say,  "Avignon 

is  more  subject  to  high  winds  than  any  town 
in  all  France:"  for  which  reason  I  laid  no 
stress  upon  the  accident  till  I  had  enquired 
of  the  master  of  the  inn  about  it,  who  tell 

lot 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

ing  me  seriously  it  was  so and    hearing 

moreover,  the  windiness   of  Avignon  spoke 

of  in   the   country  about  as  a  proverb 1 

set  it  down,  merely  to  ask  the  learned  what 

can  be  the  cause the  consequence  I  saw 

— for   they   are   all    Dukes,   Marquisses,   and 

Counts,   there the  duce  a   Baron,   in   all 

Avignon so  that  there  is  scarce  any  talk- 
ing to  them  on  a  windy  day. 

Prithee,   friend,   said   I,  take   hold  of  my 

mule  for  a  moment for  I  wanted  to  pull 

off  one  of  my  jack-boots,  which  hurt  my 
heel  —  the  man  was  standing  quite  idle  at 
the  door  of  the  inn,  and  as  I  had  taken  it 
into  my  head,  he  was  someway  concerned 
about  the  house  or  stable,  I  put  the  bridle 
into  his  hand — so  begun  with  the  boot: — 
when  I  had  finished  the  affair,  I  turned 
about  to  take  the  mule  from  the  man,  and 

thank  him 

But    Monsieur    le    Marquis    had 


walked  in- 


108 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XLII. 

I   HAD  now  the  whole  south  of  France, 
from  the  banks  of  the  Rhone  to  those 
of  the  Garonne,  to   traverse   upon   my 
mule  at  my  own  leisure — at  my  own  leisure 

for  I   had  left  Death,  the  Lord  knows 

and    He  only — how  far  behind  me 

"I  have  followed  many  a  man  thro'  France, 
quoth   he  —  but    never    at    this    mettlesome 

rate." Still   he   followed, and  still   I 

fled   him but   I    fled   him   chearfully 

still   he  pursued but,  like  one  who  pur- 
sued his  prey  without  hope as  he  lagg'd, 

every  step  he   lost,   soften' d    his    looks 

why  should  I  fly  him  at  this  rate? 

So  notwithstanding  all  the  commissary  of 
the  post-office  had  said,  I  changed  the  mode 
of  my  travelling  once  more;  and,  after  so 
precipitate  and  rattling  a  course  as  I  had 
run,  I  flattered  my  fancy  with  thinking  of 
my  mule,  and  that  I  should  traverse  the 
rich  plains  of  Languedoc  upon  his  back,  as 
slowly  as  foot  could  fall. 

104 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

There  is  nothing  more  pleasing  to  a  trav- 
eller  or   more    terrible  to   travel- writers, 

than  a  large  rich  plain;  especially  if  it  is 
without  great  rivers  or  bridges ;  and  pre- 
sents nothing  to  the  eye,  but  one  unvaried 
picture  of  plenty:  for  after  they  have  once 
told  you,  that  'tis  delicious!  or  delightful! 
(as  the  case  happens)  —  that  the  soil  was 
grateful,  and  that  nature  pours  out  all  her 
abundance,  &c.  .  .  .  they  have  then  a  large 
plain  upon  their  hands,  which  they  know 
not  what  to  do  with — and  which  is  of  little 
or  no  use  to  them  but  to  carry  them  to 
some  town;  and  that  town,  perhaps  of  little 
more,  but  a  new  place  to  start  from  to  the 
next  plain and  so  on. 

— This  is  most  terrible  work;  judge  if  I 
don't  manage  my  plains  better. 


106 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XLIII. 

I  HAD  not  gone  above  two  leagues  and 
a  half,  before  the  man  with  his  gun 
began  to  look  at  his   priming. 

I  had  three  several  times  loiter 'd  terribly 
behind ;  half  a  mile  at  least  every  time ; 
once,  in  deep  conference  with  a  drum-maker, 
who  was  making  drums  for  the  fairs  of  Bau- 
caira  and  Tarascone — I  did  not  understand 
the  principles 

The    second    time,    I    cannot  so   properly 

say,   I   stopp'd for  meeting  a  couple  of 

Franciscans  straitened  more  for  time  than 
myself,    and   not   being  able  to   get  to   the 

bottom    of    what    I    was    about 1    had 

turn'd   back  with  them 

The  third,  was  an  affair  of  trade  with  a 
gossip,  for  a  hand-basket  of  Provence  figs 
for  four  sous;  this  would  have  been  trans- 
acted at  once;  but  for  a  case  of  conscience 
at  the  close  of  it;  for  when  the  figs  were 
paid  for,  it  turn'd  out,  that  there  were  two 
dozen  of  eggs  cover' d  over  with  vine-leaves 
at  the  bottom  of  the  basket — as  I   had  no 

106 


OF   TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

intention  of  buying  eggs — I  made  no  sort 
of  claim  of  them — as  for  the  space  they  had 
occupied — what  signified  it?  I  had  figs  enow 
for  my  money 

— But  it  was  my  intention  to  have  the 
basket — it  was  the  gossip's  intention  to  keep 
it,  without  which,  she  could  do  nothing  with 

her  eggs and  unless  I  had  the  basket,   I 

could  do  as  little  with  my  figs,  which  were 
too  ripe  already,  and  most  of  'em  burst  at 
the  side:  this  brought  on  a  short  conten- 
tion, which  terminated  in  sundry  proposals, 
what  we  should  both  do 

How   we   disposed   of   our    eggs    and 


figs,  I  defy  you,  or  the  Devil  himself,  had 
he  not  been  there  (which  I  am  persuaded 
he  was),  to  form  the  least  probable  con- 
jecture:    You    will    read    the    whole    of   it 

not  this  year,  for  I  am  hastening  to 

the  story  of  my  uncle  Toby's  amours — but 
you  will  read  it  in  the  collection  of  those 
which  have  arose  out  of  the  journey  across 
this  plain — and  which,  therefore,  I  call  my 

PLAI  N      STORIES. 

How   far  my  pen  has  been  fatigued   like 
those  of  other  travellers,  in   this  journey  of 

107 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

it,  over  so  barren  a  track — the  world  must 
judge — but  the  traces  of  it,  which  are  now 
all  set  o'  vibrating  together  this  moment, 
tell  me  'tis  the  most  fruitful  and  busy 
period  of  my  life;  for  as  I  had  made  no 
convention  with  my  man  with  the  gun,  as 
to  time — by  stopping  and  talking  to  every 
soul  I  met,  who  was  not  in  a  full  trot — 
joining  all  parties  before  me  —  waiting  for 
every  soul  behind  —  hailing  all  those  who 
were  coming  through  cross-roads — arresting 
all  kinds  of  beggars,  pilgrims,  fiddlers,  friars 
not  passing  by  a  woman  in  a  mul- 
berry-tree without  commending  her  legs, 
and   tempting   her  into   conversation  with  a 

pinch    of   snuff In    short,    by    seizing 

every  handle,  of  what  size  or  shape  soever, 
which  chance  held  out  to  me  in  this  jour- 
ney— I  turned  my  plain  into  a  city — I  was 
always  in  company,  and  with  great  variety 
too;  and  as  my  mule  loved  society  as  much 
as  myself,  and  had  some  proposals  always 
on  his  part  to  offer  to  every  beast  he  met 
— I  am  confident  we  could  have  passed 
through  PaU-Mall,  or  St  James's- Street  for 
a  month  together,  with  fewer  adventures — 
and  seen  less  of  human  nature. 

108 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

O !  there  is  that  sprightly  frankness,  which 
at  once  unpins  every  plait  of  a  Languedo- 
ciari's  dress  —  that  whatever  is  beneath  it, 
it  looks  so  like  the  simplicity  which  poets 
sing  of  in  better  days — I  will  delude  my 
fancy,  and  believe  it  is  so. 

'Twas  in  the  road  betwixt  Nismes  and 
Lunel,  where  there  is  the  best  Muscatto 
wine  in  all  France,  and  which  by  the  bye 
belongs  to  the  honest  canons  of  Montpel- 
lier  —  and  foul  befal  the  man  who  has 
drank  it  at  their  table,  who  grudges  them 
a  drop  of  it. 

The    sun    was    set  —  they    had    done 

their  work;  the  nymphs  had  tied  up  their 
hair  afresh — and  the  swains  were  preparing 

for    a   carousal my   mule    made   a   dead 

point '  Tis    the  fife   and    tabourin,    said 

I I'm  frighten'd  to  death,  quoth  he 

They  are  running  at   the  ring  of  pleasure, 

said    I,    giving    him    a    prick By    saint 

Boogar,  and  all  the  saints  at  the  backside 
of  the  door  of  purgatory,  said  he — (making 
the    same    resolution    with    the    abbesse    of 

Andotiillets)  I'll  not  go  a  step  further 

'Tis   very  well,   sir,   said   I 1   never  will 

argue   a   point  with   one  of  your  family,  as 

109 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

long  as  I  live;  so  leaping  off  his  back,  and 
kicking  off  one  boot  into  this  ditch,  and 
t'other  into  that — I'll  take  a  dance,  said  I 
— so  stay  you  here. 

A  sun-burnt  daughter  of  Labour  rose  up 
from  the  groupe  to  meet  me,  as  I  advanced 
towards  them;  her  hair,  which  was  a  dark 
chesnut,  approaching  rather  to  a  black,  was 
tied  up  in  a  knot,  all  but  a  single  tress. 

We  want  a  cavalier,  said  she,  holding  out 
both  her  hands,  as  if  to  offer  them — And  a 
cavalier  ye  shall  have;  said  I,  taking  hold 
of  both  of  them. 

Hadst  thou,  Nannette,  been  array'd  like  a 
dutchesse ! 

But  that  cursed  slit  in  thy  petticoat! 

Nannette  cared  not  for  it. 

We  could  not  have  done  without  you, 
said  she,  letting  go  one  hand,  with  self- 
taught  politeness,  leading  me  up  with  the 
other. 

A  lame  youth,  whom  Apollo  had  recom- 
pensed with  a  pipe,  and  to  which  he  had 
added  a  tabourin  of  his  own  accord,  ran 
sweetly  over  the  prelude,    as   he    sat   upon 

the  bank Tie  me  up  this  tress  instantly, 

said  Nannette,  putting  a  piece  of  string  into 
no 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

my  hand — It  taught  me  to  forget  I  was  a 

stranger The   whole  knot  fell   down 

We  had  been  seven  years  acquainted. 

The  youth  struck  the  note  upon  the 
tabourin  —  his  pipe  followed,  and  off  we 
bounded "the  duce  take  that  slit!" 

The  sister  of  the  youth,  who  had  stolen 
her  voice  from  heaven,  sung  alternately  with 
her  brother 'twas  a  Gascoigne  roundelay. 

viva  la  joia! 
fidon  la  tristessa! 

The    nymphs    join'd    in    unison,    and    their 

swains   an  octave  below  them 

I  would  have  given  a  crown  to  have  it 
sew'd  up — Nannette  would  not  have  given 
a  sous — Viva  la  joia!  was  in  her  lips — Viva 
la  joia!  was  in  her  eyes.  A  transient  spark 
of  amity  shot   across   the   space   betwixt  us 

She   look'd   amiable! Why   could    I 

not  live,  and  end  my  days  thus  ?  Just 
Disposer  of  our  joys  and  sorrows,  cried  I, 
why  could  not  a  man   sit  down  in  the  lap 

of  content  here and  dance,  and  sing,  and 

say  his  prayers,  and  go  to  heaven  with  this 
nut-brown  maid  ?    Capriciously  did  she  bend 

in 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

her  head  on  one  side,  and  dance  up  insidi- 
ous  Then  'tis  time  to  dance  off,  quoth 

I;  so  changing  only  partners  and  tunes,  I 
danced  it  away  from  Lunel  to  Montpellier 

from   thence  to  Pescnas.   Beziers 1 

danced  it  along  through  Narbonne,  Carcas- 
son,  and  Castle  Naudairy,  till  at  last  I 
danced  myself  into  Perdrillo's  pavillion, 
where  pulling  out  a  paper  of  black  lines, 
that  I  might  go  on  straight  forwards,  with- 
out digression  or  parenthesis,  in    my  uncle 

Toby's  amours 

I  begun  thus 


lie 


THE 

LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

OF 

TRISTRAM    SHANDY,    Gent. 
BOOK  VIII. 


B 


CHAPTER   I. 

UT    softly for  in  these  sportive 

plains,  and  under  this  genial  sun, 
where  at  this  instant  all  flesh  is 
running  out  piping,  fiddling,  and  dancing  to 
the  vintage,  and  every  step  that's  taken,  the 
judgment  is  surprised  by  the  imagination,  I 
defy,  notwithstanding  all  that  has  been  said 
upon  straight  lines*  in  sundry  pages  of  my 
book — I  defy  the  best  cabbage  planter  that 
ever  existed,   whether    he    plants   backwards 

*Vid.  Vol.  Ill,  pp.  231,  232. 

113 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

or  forwards,  it  makes  little  difference  in  the 
account  (except  that  he  will  have  more  to 
answer  for  in  the  one  case  than  in  the 
other) — I  defy  him  to  go  on  coolly,  critic- 
ally, and  canonically,  planting  his  cabbages 
one  by  one,  in  straight  lines,  and  stoical  dis- 
tances, especially  if  slits  in  petticoats  are 
unsew'd  up — without  ever  and  anon  strad- 
dling  out,    or    sidling    into    some    bastardly 

digression In  Freeze-land,  Fog-land,  and 

some  other  lands  I  wot  of — it  may  be 
done 

But  in  this  clear  climate  of  fantasy  and 
perspiration,  where  every  idea,  sensible  and 
insensible,  gets  vent — in  this  land,  my  dear 
Eugenius —  in  this  fertile  land  of  chivalry 
and  romance,  where  I  now  sit,  unskrew- 
ing  my  ink-horn  to  write  my  uncle  Toby's 
amours,  and  with  all  the  meanders  of 
Julia's  track  in  quest  of  her  Diego,  in 
full  view  of  my  study  window  —  if  thou 
comest  not  and  takest  me  by  the  hand 

What  a  work  it  is  likely  to  turn  out! 

Let  us  begin  it. 


114 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


i 


CHAPTER    II. 


T  is  with  love  as  with  cuckoldom- 


But  now  I  am  talking  of  beginning  a 
book,  and  have  long  had  a  thing  upon 
my  mind  to  be  imparted  to  the  reader, 
which,  if  not  imparted  now,  can  never  be 
imparted  to  him  as  long  as  I  live  (whereas 
the    comparison    may   be    imparted   to   him 

any   hour   in   the   day) I'll  just   mention 

it,  and  begin  in  good   earnest. 

The  thing  is  this. 

That  of  all  the  several  ways  of  beginning 
a  book  which  are  now  in  practice  through- 
out  the   known   world,   I    am   confident  my 

own    way   of    doing    it    is    the    best I'm 

sure  it  is  the  most  religious for  I  begin 

with  writing  the  first  sentence and  trust- 
ing to  Almighty  God  for  the  second. 

'Twould  cure  an  author  for  ever  of  the 
fuss  and  folly  of  opening  his  street-door, 
and  calling  in  his  neighbours  and  friends, 
and  kinsfolk,  with  the  devil  and  all  his 
imps,  with  their  hammers   and   engines,  &c. 

115 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

only  to  observe  how  one  sentence  of  mine 
follows  another,  and  how  the  plan  follows 
the  whole. 

I  wish  you  saw  me  half  starting  out  of 
my  chair,  with  what  confidence,  as  I  grasp 

the  elbow  of  it,  I   look  up catching  the 

idea,  even  sometimes  before  it  half  way 
reaches  me 

I  believe  in  my  conscience  I  intercept 
many  a  thought  which  heaven  intended  for 
another  man. 

Pope  and  his   Portrait*   are   fools  to  me 

no    martyr   is    ever  so  full  of  faith  or 

fire 1  wish   I   could  say  of  good  works 

too but  I  have  no 

Zeal  or  Anger or 

Anger  or  Zeal 

And  till  gods  and   men    agree   together  to 

call  it  by  the  same  name the   errantest 

Tartutfe,  in  science — in  politics — or  in  re- 
ligion, shall  never  kindle  a  spark  within  me, 
or  have  a  worse  word,  or  a  more  unkind 
greeting,  than,  what  he  will  read  in  the  next 
chapter. 


*  Vid.  Pope's  Portrait. 
116 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER   III. 

Bon  jour! good-morrow! so  you 

have  got  your  cloak  on  betimes! but  'tis 

a  cold   morning,  and  you  judge  the  matter 

rightly 'tis   better  to   be  well   mounted, 

than  go  o'  foot and  obstructions  in  the 

glands   are  dangerous And    how  goes  it 

with  thy  concubine  —  thy  wife,  —  and  thy 
little  ones  o'  both  sides?  and  when  did  you 
hear   from    the    old    gentleman    and    lady — 

your   sister,    aunt,    uncle,    and    cousins 1 

hope  they  have  got  better  of  their  colds, 
coughs,  claps,  tooth-aches,  fevers,  stranguries, 
sciaticas,  swellings,  and  sore-eyes. 

What   a  devil  of  an    apothecary!   to 

take  so  much  blood — give  such  a  vile  purge 
— puke — poultice — plaister — night-draught — 

clyster — blister? And  why  so  many  grains 

of  calomel?  santa  Maria!  and  such  a  dose  of 
opium!  periclitating,  pardi!  the  whole  family 
of  ye,  from  head  to  tail By  my  great- 
aunt  Dinah's  old  black  velvet  mask !  I  think 
there  was  no  occasion  for  it. 

in 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Now  this  being  a  little  bald  about  the 
chin,  by  frequently  putting  off  and  on,  be- 
fare  she  was  got  with  child  by  the  coach- 
man— not  one  of  our  family  would  wear  it 
after.     To  cover  the  mask  afresh,  was  more 

than  the  mask  was  worth and  to  wear  a 

mask  which  was  bald,  or  which  could  be 
half  seen  through,  was  as  bad  as  having  no 
mask  at  all 

This  is  the  reason,  may  it  please  your 
reverences,  that  in  all  our  numerous  family, 
for  these  four  generations,  we  count  no 
more  than  one  archbishop,  a  Welch  judge, 
some  three  or  four  aldermen,  and  a  single 
mountebank 

In  the  sixteenth  century,  we  boast  of  no 
less  than  a  dozen  alchymists. 


r 


CHAPTER    IV. 

is  with   Love   as  with   Cuckoldom" 
-the  suffering  party  is  at  least  the 


third,  but  generally  the  last  in  the 
house  who  knows  any  thing  about  the  mat- 
ter:   this   comes,    as   all   the   world    knows, 


118 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

from  having  half  a  dozen  words  for  one 
thing;  and  so  long,  as  what  in  this  vessel 
of    the    human    frame,    is    Love —  may    be 

Hatred,   in    that Sentiment   half   a   yard 

higher and  Nonsense no,  Mad- 
am,— not  there 1  mean  at  the  part  I  am 

now  pointing  to  with  my  forefinger how 

can  we  help  ourselves? 

Of  all  mortal,  and  immortal  men  too,  if 
you  please,  who  ever  soliloquized  upon  this 
mystic  subject,  my  uncle  Toby  was  the  worst 
fitted,  to  have  push'd  his  researches,  thro' 
such  a  contention  of  feelings;  and  he  had 
infallibly  let  them  all  run  on,  as  we  do 
worse  matters,  to  see  what  they  would  turn 

out had  not  Bridget's  pre-notification  of 

them  to  Susannah,  and  Susannah's  repeated 
manifestoes  thereupon  to  all  the  world,  made 
it  necessary  for  my  uncle  Toby  to  look  into 
the  affair. 


119 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


CHAPTER  V. 

WHY  weavers,  gardeners,  and  gladiators 
— or  a  man  with  a  pined  leg  (pro- 
ceeding from  some  ailment  in  the 
foot)  —  should  ever  have  had  some  tender 
nymph  breaking  her  heart  in  secret  for 
them,  are  points  well  and  duly  settled  and 
accounted  for,  by  ancient  and  modern  physi- 
ologists. 

A  water-drinker,  provided  he  is  a  profess' d 
one,  and  does  it  without  fraud  or  covin,  is 
precisely  in  the  same  predicament:  not  that, 
at  first  sight,  there  is  any  consequence,  or 
show  of  logic  in  it,  "That  a  rill  of  cold 
water  dribbling  through  my  inward  parts, 
should  light  up  a  torch  in  my  Jenny's — " 

The  proposition  does   not  strike  one; 

on  the  contrary,  it  seems  to  run  opposite 
to  the  natural  workings  of  causes  and 
effects 

But  it  shews  the  weakness  and  imbecility 
of  human  reason. 

190 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

"And  in  perfect  good  health  with  it?" 

— The  most  perfect, — Madam,  that  friend- 
ship herself  could  wish  me 

"And  drink  nothing!  —  nothing  but 
water  ? ' ' 

—  Impetuous  fluid!  the  moment  thou 
pressest  against  the  flood-gates  of  the  brain 
see  how  they  give  way! 

In  swims  Curiosity,  beckoning  to  her 
damsels  to  follow — they  dive  into  the  cen- 
tre of  the  current 

Fancy  sits  musing  upon  the  bank,  and 
with  her  eyes  following  the  stream,  turns 
straws  and  bulrushes  into  masts  and  bow- 
sprits  And    Desire,   with   vest   held    up 

to  the  knee  in  one  hand,  snatches  at  them, 
as  they  swim  by  her  with  the  other 

O  ye  water-drinkers!  is  it  then  by  this 
delusive  fountain,  that  ye  have  so  often 
governed  and  turn'd  this  world  about  like 
a  mill-wheel — grinding  the  faces  of  the  impo- 
tent— be- powdering  their  ribs — be- peppering 
their  noses,  and  changing  sometimes  even 
the  very  frame  and  face  of  nature 

If  I  was  you,  quoth  Yorick,  I  would  drink 
more  water,  Eugenius — And,  if  I  was  you, 
Yorick,  replied  Eugenius,  so  would  I. 

121 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Which  shews  they  had  both  read  Long- 
inus 

For  my  own  part,  I  am  resolved  never  to 
read  any  book  but  my  own,  as  long  as  I 
live. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

I    WISH    my    uncle    Toby    had    been    a 
water-drinker;   for  then  the  thing  had 
been  accounted  for,  That  the  first  mo- 
ment   Widow    Wadman   saw   him,   she   felt 
something  stirring  within   her  in  his  favour 
— Something ! — something. 

— Something  perhaps  more  than  friend- 
ship— less  than  love — something — no  matter 
what — no  matter  where — I  would  not  give 
a  single  hair  off  my  mule's  tail,  and  be 
obliged  to  pluck  it  off  myself  (indeed  the 
villain  has  not  many  to  spare,  and  is  not  a 
little  vicious  into  the  bargain),  to  be  let  by 

your  worships  into  the  secret 

But  the  truth  is,  my  uncle  Toby  was  not 
a  water-drinker  ;  he  drank  it  neither  pure 
nor  mix'd,  or  any  how,  or  any  where,  ex- 

122 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

cept  fortuitously  upon  some  advanced  posts, 

where  better  liquor  was  not  to  be  had 

or  during  the  time  he  was  under  cure; 
when  the  surgeon  telling  him  it  would 
extend   the   fibres,   and    bring    them    sooner 

into  contact my  uncle  Toby  drank  it  for 

quietness  sake. 

Now  as  all  the  world  knows,  that  no  effect 
in  nature  can  be  produced  without  a  cause, 
and  as  it  is  as  well  known,  that  my  uncle 
Toby  was   neither  a  weaver — a  gardener,  or 

a  gladiator unless  as  a  captain,  you  will 

needs  have  him  one — but  then  he  was  only 
a  captain  of  foot — and  besides,  the  whole  is 

an  equivocation There  is  nothing  left  for 

us   to   suppose,    but   that  my   uncle    Toby's 

leg but   that   will   avail   us   little   in   the 

present  hypothesis,  unless  it  had  proceeded 
from  some  ailment  in  the  foot — whereas  his 
leg  was  not  emaciated  from  any  disorder  in 
his  foot — for  my  uncle  Toby's  leg  was  not 
emaciated  at  all.  It  was  a  little  stiff  and 
awkward,  from  a  total  disuse  of  it,  for  the 
three  years  he  lay  confined  at  my  father's 
house  in  town;  but  it  was  plump  and  mus- 
cular, and  in  all  other  respects  as  good  and 
promising  a  leg  as  the  other. 

123 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

I  declare,  I  do  not  recollect  any  one 
opinion  or  passage  of  my  life,  where  my 
understanding  was  more  at  a  loss  to  make 
ends  meet,  and  torture  the  chapter  I  had 
been  writing,  to  the  service  of  the  chapter 
following  it,  than  in  the  present  case:  one 
would  think  I  took  a  pleasure  in  running 
into  difficulties  of  this  kind,  merely  to  make 

fresh  experiments  of  getting  out  of  'em 

Inconsiderate  soul  that  thou  art!  What!  are 
not  the  unavoidable  distresses  with  which, 
as  an  author  and  a  man,  thou  art  hemm'd 
in  on  every  side  of  thee are  they,  Tris- 
tram, not  sufficient,  but  thou  must  entangle 
thyself  still  more  ? 

Is  it  not  enough  that  thou  art  in  debt, 
and  that  thou  hast  ten  cart-loads  of  thy 
fifth  and  sixth  volumes #  still — still  unsold, 
and  art  almost  at  thy  wit's  ends,  how  to 
get  them   off  thy  hands. 

To  this  hour  art  thou  not  tormented  with 
the  vile  asthma  that  thou  gattest  in  skating 
against  the  wind  in  Flanders?  and  is  it  but 
two  months  ago,  that  in  a  fit  of  laughter, 
on  seeing  a  cardinal  make  water  like  a  quir- 
ister  (with  both  hands)  thou  brakest  a  vessel 

*  Alluding  to  the  first  edition. 
124 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

in  thy  lungs,  whereby,  in  two  hours,  thou 
lost  as  many  quarts  of  blood;  and  hadst 
thou  lost  as  much  more,  did  not  the  faculty 

tell  thee it  would  have  amounted  to  a 

gallon  ? 


CHAPTER   VII. 

But  for  heaven's  sake,  let  us  not  talk 

of  quarts  or  gallons let  us  take  the  story 

straight  before  us;  it  is  so  nice  and  intricate 
a  one,  it  will  scarce  bear  the  transposition  of 
a  single  tittle;  and,  somehow  or  other,  you 
have  got  me  thrust  almost  into  the  middle 
of  it— 

— I  beg  we  may  take  more  care. 


CHAPTER    VIII. 

MY   uncle    Toby   and    the    corporal    had 
posted  down  with  so  much  heat  and 
precipitation,    to    take    possession    of 
the  spot  of  ground  we  have  so  often  spoke 

125 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

of,  in  order  to  open  their  campaign  as  early 
as  the  rest  of  the  allies;  that  they  had  for- 
got one  of  the  most  necessary  articles  of 
the  whole  affair;  it  was  neither  a  pioneer's 
spade,  a  pickax,  or  a  shovel — 

— It  was  a  bed  to  lie  on:  so  that  as 
Shandy  Hall  was  at  that  time  unfurnished ; 
and  the  little  inn  where  poor  Le  Fever 
died,  not  yet  built;  my  uncle  Toby  was 
constrained  to  accept  of  a  bed  at  Mrs  Wad- 
man's,  for  a  night  or  two,  till  corporal  Trim 
(who  to  the  character  of  an  excellent  valet, 
groom,  cook,  sempster,  surgeon,  and  engi- 
neer, superadded  that  of  an  excellent  uphol- 
sterer too),  with  the  help  of  a  carpenter  and 
a  couple  of  taylors,  constructed  one  in  my 
uncle  Toby's  house. 

A  daughter  of  Eve,  for  such  was  widow 
Wadman,  and  'tis  all  the  character  I.  intend 
to  give  of  her — 

— "That  she  was  a  perfect  woman — "  had 
better  be  fifty  leagues  off — or  in  her  warm 
bed — or  playing  with  a  case-knife — or  any 
thing  you  please — than  make  a  man  the 
object  of  her  attention,  when  the  house  and 
all  the  furniture  is  her  own. 

There  is  nothing  in  it  out  of  doors  and 

126 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

in  broad  day-light,  where  a  woman  has  a 
power,  physically  speaking,  of  viewing  a 
man  in  more  lights  than  one — but  here,  for 
her  soul,  she  can  see  him  in  no  light  with- 
out mixing  something  of  her  own  goods 
and  chattels  along  with  him till  by  re- 
iterated acts  of  such  combination,  he  gets 
foisted  into  her  inventory 

And  then  good   night. 

But  this  is  not  matter  of  System;  for  I 
have  delivered  that  above nor  is  it  mat- 
ter  of   Breviary for  I    make   no   man's 

creed   but   my  own nor  matter  of  Fact 

at  least  that  I  know  of;  but  'tis  matter 

copulative  and  introductory  to  what  follows. 


CHAPTER    IX. 

I    DO    not    speak    it   with    regard    to    the 
coarseness    or    cleanness    of  them  —  or 

the   strength   of   their   gussets but 

pray    do    not    night-shifts    differ    from   day- 
shifts  as  much  in  this  particular,  as  in  any 

127 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

thing  else  in  the  world;  That  they  so  far 
exceed  the  others  in  length,  that  when  you 
are  laid  down  in  them,  they  fall  almost  as 
much  below  the  feet,  as  the  day-shifts  fall 
short  of  them? 

Widow  WadmarCs  night-shifts  (as  was  the 
mode  I  suppose  in  King  Williani's  and  Queen 
Anne's  reigns)  were  cut  however  after  this 
fashion;   and  if  the   fashion   is   changed  (for 

in  Italy  they   are   come  to  nothing) so 

much  the  worse  for  the  public;  they  were 
two  Flemish  ells  and  a  half  in  length ;  so 
that  allowing  a  moderate  woman  two  ells, 
she  had  half  an  ell  to  spare,  to  do  what  she 
would  with. 

Now  from  one  little  indulgence  gained 
after  another,  in  the  many  bleak  and  decem- 
berly  nights  of  a  seven  years  widowhood, 
things  had  insensibly  come  to  this  pass,  and 
for  the  two  last  years  had  got  establish 'd 
into  one  of  the  ordinances  of  the  bed-cham- 
ber— That  as  soon  as  Mrs  JVadman  was  put 
to  bed,  and  had  got  her  legs  stretched  down 
to  the  bottom  of  it,  of  which  she  always 
gave  Bridget  notice — Bridget,  with  all  suit- 
able decorum,  having  first  open'd  the  bed- 
cloaths  at  the  feet,  took  hold  of  the  half-ell 

138 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

of  cloth  we  were  speaking  of,  and  having 
gently,  and  with  both  her  hands,  drawn  it 
downwards  to  its  furthest  extension,  and 
then  contracted  it  again  side-long  by  four 
or  five  even  plaits,  she  took  a  large  corking 
pin  out  of  her  sleeve,  and  with  the  point 
directed  towards  her,  pinn'd  the  plaits  all 
fast  together  a  little  above  the  hem;  which 
done,  she  tuck'd  all  in  tight  at  the  feet, 
and  wish'd  her  mistress  a  good  night. 

This  was  constant,  and  without  any  other 
variation  than  this;  that  on  shivering  and 
tempestuous  nights,  when  Bridget  untuck' d 
the  feet  of  the  bed,  &c.  to  do  this — r-she 
consulted  no  thermometer  but  that  of  her 
own  passions;  and  so  performed  it  standing 
— kneeling — or  squatting,  according  to  the 
different  degrees  of  faith,  hope,  and  charity, 
she  was  in,  and  bore  towards  her  mistress  that 
night.  In  every  other  respect,  the  etiquette 
was  sacred,  and  might  have  vied  with  the 
most  mechanical  one  of  the  most  inflexible 
bed-chamber   in  Christendom. 

The  first  night,  as  soon  as  the  corporal 
had    conducted    my    uncle    Toby    up    stairs, 

which  was  about  ten Mrs  Wadman  threw 

herself  into  her  arm-chair,  and  crossing  her 

129 


THE   LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

left  knee  with  her  right,  which  formed  a 
resting-place  for  her  elbow,  she  reclin'd  her 
cheek  upon  the  palm  of  her  hand,  and  lean- 
ing forwards,  ruminated  till  midnight  upon 
both  sides  of  the  question. 

The  second  night  she  went  to  her  bureau, 
and  having  ordered  Bridget  to  bring  her  up 
a  couple  of  fresh  candles  and  leave  them 
upon  the  table,  she  took  out  her  marriage- 
settlement,  and  read  it  over  with  great  de- 
votion: and  the  third  night  (which  was  the 
last  of  my  uncle  Toby's  stay)  when  Bridget 
had  pull'd  down  the  night-shift,  and  was 
assaying  to  stick  in  the  corking  pin 

With  a  kick  of    both  heels  at  once, 

but  at  the  same  time  the  most  natural  kick 

that  could  be  kick'd  in  her  situation for 

supposing  **^*^****tobe  the  sun 

in  its  meridian,  it  was  a  north-east  kick 

she  kick'd  the  pin  out  of  her  fingers the 

etiquette  which  hung  upon  it,  down down 

it  fell  to  the  ground,  and  was  shiver' d  into 
a  thousand  atoms. 

From  all  which  it  was  plain  that  widow 
Wadman  was  in  love  with  my  uncle  Toby. 


130 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    X. 

MY  uncle  Toby's  head  at  that  time  was 
full  of  other  matters,  so  that  it  was 
not  till  the  demolition  of   Dunkirk, 
when  all  the  other  civilities  of  Europe  were 
settled,  that  he  found  leisure  to  return  this. 

This  made  an  armistice  (that  is  speaking 
with  regard  to  my  uncle  Toby — but  with 
respect  to  Mrs  JVadman,  a  vacancy) — of 
almost  eleven  years.  But  in  all  cases  of 
this  nature,  as  it  is  the  second  blow,  hap- 
pen at  what  distance  of  time  it  will,  which 

makes  the  fray 1   chuse  for  that  reason 

to  call  these  the  amours  of  my  uncle  Toby 
with  Mrs  Wadman,  rather  than  the  amours 
of  Mrs  Wadnian  with  my  uncle  Toby. 

This  is  not  a  distinction  without  a  differ- 
ence. 

It   is   not   like   the   affair   of   an   old   hat 

cocked and  a  cocked  old  hat,  about  which 

your  reverences  have  so  often  been  at  odds 
with  one  another but  there  is  a  differ- 
ence here  in  the  nature  of  things 

131 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

And  let  me  tell  you,  gentry,  a  wide  one 
too. 


CHAPTER    XL 

NOW  as   widow   Wadman  did   love   my 
uncle    Toby and    my   uncle    Toby 

did  not   love   widow    Wadman,  there 
was  nothing  for  widow  Wadman  to  do,  but 

to  go  on  and  love  my  uncle  Toby or  let 

it  alone. 

Widow  Wadman  would  do  neither  the  one 

or  the  other 

Gracious    heaven! but    I    forget    I 


am  a  little  of  her  temper  myself;  for  when- 
ever it  so  falls  out,  which  it  sometimes  does 
about  the  equinoxes,  that  an  earthly  goddess 
is  so  much  this,  and  that,  and  t'other,  that 

I    cannot   eat    my  breakfast   for   her and 

that  she  careth  not  three  halfpence  whether 

I  eat  my  breakfast  or  no 

Curse  on  her!  and  so  I  send  her  to 


Tartary,    and    from    Tartary    to    Terra   del 
Fuogo,  and   so   on  to   the   devil:    in  short, 


iss 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

there  is  not  an  infernal  nitch  where  I  do 
not  take  her  divinityship  and  stick  it. 

But  as  the  heart  is  tender,  and  the  pas- 
sions in  these  tides  ebb  and  flow  ten  times 
in  a  minute,  I  instantly  bring  her  back 
again ;  and  as  I  do  all  things  in  extremes, 
I  place  her  in  the  very  centre  of  the  milky- 
way 

Brightest  of  stars!  thou  wilt  shed  thy  in- 
fluence upon  some  one 

The  duce  take  her  and  her  influence 


too for  at  that  word   I   lose  all  patience 

much  good   may  it  do  him! By  all 

that  is  hirsute  and  gashly!  I  cry,  taking  off 
my   furr'd   cap,   and   twisting   it   round   my 

finger 1    would   not   give   sixpence   for   a 

dozen  such! 

But  'tis  an  excellent  cap  too  (putting 

it  upon  my  head,  and  pressing  it  close  to 
my  ears) — and  warm — and  soft;  especially 
if  you    stroke   it   the  right  way  —  but   alas! 

that  will  never  be  my  luck (so  here  my 

philosophy  is  shipwreck 'd  again). 

No;    I   shall   never   have   a  finger  in 

the  pye  (so  here  I  break  my  metaphor) 

Crust  and  Crumb 

Inside  and  out 

1 33 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Top  and  bottom 1  detest  it,  I  hate  it, 

I  repudiate  it I'm  sick  at  the  sight  of 

it 

'Tis  all  pepper, 
garlick, 
staragen, 
salt,  and 

devil's  dung by  the  great  arch- 
cook  of  cooks,  who  does  nothing,  I  think, 
from  morning  to  night,  but  sit  down  by  the 
fire-side   and   invent  inflammatory  dishes  for 

us,  I  would  not  touch  it  for  the  world 

O  Tristram!   Tristram!  cried  Jenny. 

O  Jenny!  Jenny!  replied  I,  and  so  went 
on  with  the  twelfth  chapter. 


CHAPTER    XII. 

"Not  touch  it  for  the  world,"  did  I 


say 

Lord,  how  I  have  heated  my  imagination 
with  this  metaphor! 


184 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER   XIII. 

WHICH  shews,  let  your  reverences  and 
worships  say  what  you  will  of  it  (for 

as  for  thinking all  who  do  think — 

think  pretty  much  alike,  both  upon  it  and 

other  matters) Love  is  certainly,  at  least 

alphabetically  speaking,  one  of  the  most 

A   gitating 

B    ewitching 

C    onfounded 

D   evilish  affairs  of  life the  most 

E    xtravagant 

F    utilitous 

G   alligaskinish 

H  andy- dandyish 

I     racundulous  (there  is  no  K  to  it)  and 

L  yrical  of  all  human  passions:  at  the 
same  time,  the  most 

M  isgiving 

N   innyhammering 

O   bstipating 

P    ragmatical 

S    tridulous 

R  idiculous — though   by  the   bye   the  R 

135 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

should  have  gone  first — But  in  short  'tis  of 
such  a  nature,  as  my  father  once  told  my 
uncle  Toby  upon  the  close  of  a  long  dis- 
sertation   upon    the    subject "You    can 

scarce,"  said  he,  "combine  two  ideas  to- 
gether   upon    it,    brother    Toby,   without   an 

hypallage" What's  that?  cried  my  uncle 

Toby. 

The  cart  before  the  horse,  replied  my 
father 

And   what  is   he  to   do   there?   cried 


my  uncle   Toby 

Nothing,  quoth  my  father,  but  to  get  in 
or  let  it  alone. 


Now  widow  Wadman,  as  I  told  you 
before,  would  do  neither  the  one  or  the 
other. 

She  stood  however  ready  harnessed  and 
caparisoned  at  all  points,  to  watch  acci- 
dents. 


138 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XIV. 

THE  Fates,  who  certainly  all  foreknew 
of  these  amours  of  widow  Wadman 
and  my  uncle  Toby,  had,  from  the 
first  creation  of  matter  and  motion  (and 
with  more  courtesy  than  they  usually  do 
things  of  this  kind)  established  such  a  chain 
of  causes  and  effects  hanging  so  fast  to  one 
another,  that  it  was  scarce  possible  for  my 
uncle  Toby  to  have  dwelt  in  any  other  house 
in  the  world,  or  to  have  occupied  any  other 
garden  in  Christendom,  but  the  very  house 
and  garden  which  join'd  and  laid  parallel  to 
Mrs  Wadmari's;  this,  with  the  advantage  of 
a  thickset  arbour  in  Mrs  Wadman's  garden, 
but  planted  in  the  hedge-row  of  my  uncle 
Toby's,  put  all  the  occasions  into  her  hands 
which  Love-militancy  wanted ;  she  could 
observe  my  uncle  Toby's  motions,  and  was 
mistress  likewise  of  his  councils  of  war;  and 
as  his  unsuspecting  heart  had  given  leave 
to  the  corporal,  through  the  mediation  of 
Bridget,  to  make  her  a  wicker-gate  of  com- 

137 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

munication  to  enlarge  her  walks,  it  enabled 
her  to  carry  on  her  approaches  to  the  very 
door  of  the  sentry-box;  and  sometimes  out 
of  gratitude,  to  make  an  attack,  and  en- 
deavour to  blow  my  uncle  Toby  up  in  the 
very  sentry-box  itself. 


CHAPTER    XV. 

IT  is  a  great  pity but  'cis  certain  from 
every  day's  observation  of  man,  that 
he  may  be  set  on  fire  like  a  candle,  at 
either  end  —  provided  there  is  a  sufficient 
wick  standing  out;  if  there  is  not — there's 
an  end  of  the  affair;  and  if  there  is — by 
lighting  it  at  the  bottom,  as  the  flame  in 
that  case  has  the  misfortune  generally  to 
put  out  itself — there's  an  end  of  the  affair 
again. 

For  my  part,  could  I  always  have  the 
ordering  of  it  which  way  I  would  be  burnt 
myself — for  I  cannot  bear  the  thoughts  of 
being  burnt  like  a  beast — I  would  oblige  a 
housewife  constantly  to  light  me  at  the  top; 

138 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

for  then  I  should  burn  down  decently  to 
the  socket;  that  is,  from  my  head  to  my 
heart,  from  my  heart  to  my  liver,  from  my 
liver  to  my  bowels,  and  so  on  by  the  mese- 
raick  veins  and  arteries,  through  all  the  turns 
and  lateral  insertions   of  the   intestines   and 

their  tunicles,  to  the  blind  gut 

1  beseech  you,  doctor  Slop,  quoth  my 


uncle  Toby,  interrupting  him  as  he  mentioned 
the  blind  gut,  in  a  discourse  with  my  father 
the  night  my  mother  was  brought  to  bed  of 

me 1  beseech  you,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby, 

to  tell  me  which  is  the  blind  gut;  for,  old 
as  I  am,  I  vow  I  do  not  know  to  this  day 
where  it  lies. 

The  blind  gut,  answered  doctor  Slop,  lies 
betwixt  the  Ilion  and  Colon 

In  a  man?  said  my  father. 

'Tis  precisely  the  same,  cried  doctor 


Slop,  in  a  woman. 

That's    more    than    I    know;    quoth    my 
father. 


139 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XVI. 


-And   so   to   make   sure  of  both  sys- 


tems, Mrs  Wadman  predetermined  to  light 
my  uncle  Toby  neither  at  this  end  or  that; 
but,  like  a  prodigal's  candle,  to  light  him, 
if  possible,  at  both  ends  at  once. 

Now,  through  all  the  lumber  rooms  of 
military  furniture,  including  both  of  horse 
and  foot,  from  the  great  arsenal  of  Venice 
to  the  Tower  of  London  (exclusive),  if  Mrs 
Wadman  had  been  rummaging  for  seven 
years  together,  and  with  Bridget  to  help 
her,  she  could  not  have  found  any  one 
blind  or  mantelet  so  fit  for  her  purpose,  as 
that  which  the  expediency  of  my  uncle 
Toby's  affairs  had  fix'd  up  ready  to  her 
hands. 

I   believe   I   have  not  told   you but  I 

don't   know possibly   I    have be  it  as 

it  will,  'tis  one  of  the  number  of  those 
many  things,  which  a  man  had  better  do 
over  again,  than  dispute  about  it  —  That 
whatever  town  or  fortress  the  corporal  was 
at  work  upon,  during    the    course   of   their 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

campaign,  my  uncle  Toby  always  took  care, 
on  the  inside  of  his  sentry-box,  which  was 
towards  his  left  hand,  to  have  a  plan  of  the 
place,  fasten' d  up  with  two  or  three  pins  at 
the  top,  but  loose  at  the  bottom,  for  the 
conveniency  of  holding  it  up  to  the  eye,  &c. 
.  .  .  as  occasions  required;  so  that  when  an 
attack  was  resolved  upon,  Mrs  JVadman  had 
nothing  more  to  do,  when  she  had  got  ad- 
vanced to  the  door  of  the  sentry-box,  but 
to  extend  her  right  hand ;  and  edging  in 
her  left  foot  at  the  same  movement,  to 
take  hold  of  the  map  or  plan,  or  upright, 
or  whatever  it  was,  and  with  out-stretched 
neck  meeting  it  half  way,  —  to  advance  it 
towards    her ;    on    which    my   uncle    Toby's 

passions    were    sure  to   catch   fire for  he 

would  instantly  take  hold  of  the  other  cor- 
ner of  the  map  in  his  left  hand,  and  with 
the  end  of  his  pipe  in  the  other,  begin  an 
explanation. 

When    the    attack   was    advanced   to   this 

point; the  world  will  naturally  enter  into 

the   reasons  of   Mrs    Wadmari's  next   stroke 

of   generalship which   was,   to    take    my 

uncle  Toby's  tobacco-pipe  out  of  his  hand 
as  soon  as  she  possibly  could;  which,  under 

ni 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

one  pretence  or  other,  but  generally  that  of 
pointing  more  distinctly  at  some  redoubt  or 
breastwork  in  the  map,  she  would  effect  be- 
fore my  uncle  Toby  (poor  soul!)  had  well 
march' d  above  half  a  dozen  toises  with  it. 

— It  obliged  my  uncle  Toby  to  make  use 
of  his  forefinger. 

The  difference  it  made  in  the  attack  was 
this;  That  in  going  upon  it,  as  in  the  first 
case,  with  the  end  of  her  forefinger  against 
the  end  of  my  uncle  Toby's  tobacco-pipe, 
she  might  have  travelled  with  it,  along  the 
lines,  from  Dan  to  Beersheba,  had  my  uncle 
Toby's  lines  reach 'd  so  far,  without  any 
effect:  For  as  there  was  no  arterial  or  vital 
heat  in  the  end  of  the  tobacco-pipe,  it  could 

excite  no  sentiment it  could  neither  give 

fire  by  pulsation or  receive  it  by  sym- 
pathy  'twas  nothing  but  smoke. 

Whereas,  in  following  my  uncle  Toby's 
forefinger  with  hers,  close  thro'  all  the  little 
turns  and  indentings  of  his  works press- 
ing sometimes  against  the  side  of  it then 

treading   upon   its   nail then   tripping   it 

up then  touching  it  here then  there, 

and  so  on it  set  something  at  least  in 

motion. 

142 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

This,  tho'  slight  skirmishing,  and  at  a  dis- 
tance from  the  main  body,  yet  drew  on  the 
rest;  for  here,  the  map  usually  falling  with 
the  back  of  it,  close  to  the  side  of  the 
sentry-box,  my  uncle  Toby,  in  the  sim- 
plicity of  his  soul,  would  lay  his  hand  flat 
upon  it,  in  order  to  go  on  with  his  explana- 
tion; and  Mrs  Wadman,  by  a  manoeuvre  as 
quick  as  thought,  would  as  certainly  place 
her's  close  beside  it:  this  at  once  opened  a 
communication,  large  enough  for  any  sen- 
timent to  pass  or  repass,  which  a  person 
skill' d  in  the  elementary  and  practical  part 
of  love-making,  has  occasion  for 

By  bringing  up  her  forefinger  parallel  (as 
before)  to  my  uncle  Toby's it  unavoid- 
ably brought  the  thumb  into  action and 

the  forefinger  and  thumb  being  once  en- 
gaged, as  naturally  brought  in  the  whole 
hand.     Thine,   dear  uncle   Toby!  was   never 

now  in  its  right  place Mrs  Wadman  had 

it  ever  to  take  up,  or,  with  the  gentlest 
pushings,  protrusions,  and  equivocal  com- 
pressions,   that    a    hand    to    be    removed    is 

capable  of  receiving to   get   it   press 'd  a 

hair  breadth  of  one  side  out  of  her  way. 

Whilst    this    was    doing,    how    could    she 

143 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

forget  to  make  him  sensible,  that  it  was 
her  leg  (and  no  one's  else)  at  the  bottom 
of    the    sentry-box,    which    slightly    press'd 

against  the  calf  of  his So  that  my  uncle 

Toby  being  thus  attacked  and  sore  push'd 

on   both    his   wings was    it  a  wonder,  if 

now  and  then,  it  put  his  centre  into  dis- 
order ? 

-The    duce    take    it !    said    my   uncle 


Toby. 


CHAPTER    XVII. 

THESE   attacks  of    Mrs    Wadman,    you 
will  readily  conceive  to  be  of  different 
kinds;    varying   from  each   other,   like 
the    attacks    which    history    is    full   of,    and 
from  the  same  reasons.     A  general  looker- 
on,  would  scarce  allow  them  to  be  attacks 

at  all or  if  he  did,  would  confound  them 

all  together but  I  write  not  to  them:   it 

will  be  time  enough  to  be  a  little  more 
exact  in  my  descriptions  of  them,  as  I 
come  up   to   them,   which   will   not   be   for 

1U 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

some  chapters;  having  nothing  more  to  add 
in  this,  but  that  in  a  bundle  of  original 
papers  and  drawings  which  my  father  took 
care  to  roll  up  by  themselves,  there  is  a 
plan  of  Bouchain  in  perfect  preservation 
(and  shall  be  kept  so,  whilst  I  have  power 
to  preserve  any  thing),  upon  the  lower  cor- 
ner of  which,  on  the  right  hand  side,  there 
is  still  remaining  the  marks  of  a  snuffy  fin- 
ger and  thumb,  which  there  is  all  the  reason 
in  the  world  to  imagine,  were  Mrs  Wad- 
man  s;  for  the  opposite  side  of  the  margin, 
which  I  suppose  to  have  been  my  uncle 
Toby's,  is  absolutely  clean:  This  seems  an 
authenticated  record  of  one  of  these  attacks; 
for  there  are  vestigia  of  the  two  punctures 
partly  grown  up,  but  still  visible  on  the  op- 
posite corner  of  the  map,  which  are  unques- 
tionably the  very  holes,  through  which  it  has 

been  pricked  up  in  the  sentry-box 

By  all  that  is  priestly!  I  value  this  pre- 
cious relick,  with  its  stigmata  and  pricks, 
more    than    all    the    relicks    of   the   Romish 

church always    excepting,    when    I    am 

writing  upon  these  matters,  the  pricks 
which  entered  the  flesh  of  St  Radagunda 
in    the    desert,    which    in    your    road    from 

145 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Fesse   to   Cluny,   the    nuns  of   that  name 
will  shew  you  for  love. 


CHAPTER    XVIII. 

I  THINK,  an'  please  your  honour,  quoth 
Trim,  the  fortifications  are  quite  de- 
stroyed  and   the   bason    is    upon    a 

level  with  the  mole 1  think  so  too;  re- 
plied my  uncle  Toby  with  a  sigh  half  sup- 

press'd but  step  into  the  parlour,   Trim, 

for  the  stipulation it  lies  upon  the  table. 

It  has  lain  there  these  six  weeks,  replied 
the  corporal,  till  this  very  morning  that  the 
old  woman  kindled  the  fire  with  it — 

Then,  said    my   uncle    Toby,  there   is 

no  further  occasion  for  our  services.  The 
more,  an'  please  your  honour,  the  pity,  said 
the  corporal;  in  uttering  which  he  cast  his 
spade  into  the  wheel-barrow,  which  was  be- 
side him,  with  an  air  the  most  expressive 
of  disconsolation  that  can  be  imagined,  and 
was  heavily  turning  about  to  look  for  his 
pickax,  his  pioneer's  shovel,  his  picquets  and 

146 


OF   TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

other  little  military  stores,  in  order  to  carry 

them    off   the    field when    a    heigh-ho! 

from  the  sentry-box,  which,  being  made  of 
thin  slit  deal,  reverberated  the  sound  more 
sorrowfully  to  his  ear,  forbad  him. 

No ;  said  the  corporal  to  himself,   I'll 

do  it  before  his  honour  rises  to-morrow 
morning;  so  taking  his  spade  out  of  the 
wheel-barrow  again,  with  a  little  earth  in 
it,  as  if  to  level  something  at  the  foot  of 
the  glacis but  with  a  real  intent  to  ap- 
proach   nearer    to    his    master,   in    order   to 

divert  him he  loosen' d  a  sod  or  two 

pared  their  edges  with  his  spade,  and  hav- 
ing given  them  a  gentle  blow  or  two  with 
the  back  of  it,  he  sat  himself  down  close 
by  my  uncle  Toby's  feet,  and  began  as  fol- 
lows. 


147 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER   XIX. 

IT  was  a  thousand  pities though  I  be- 
lieve, an'  please  your  honour,  I  am 
going  to  say  but  a  foolish  kind  of  a 
thing  for  a  soldier 

A  soldier,  cried  my  uncle  Toby,  inter- 
rupting the  corporal,  is  no  more  exempt 
from  saying  a  foolish  thing,    Trim,  than   a 

man  of  letters But    not    so    often,    an' 

please  your  honour,  replied  the  corporal 

My  uncle  Toby  gave  a  nod. 

It  was  a  thousand  pities  then,  said  the 
corporal,  casting  his  eye  upon  Dunkirk,  and 
the  mole,  as  Servius  Sulpicius,  in  returning 
out  of  Asia  (when  he  sailed  from  JEgina 
towards  Megara),  did  upon  Corinth  and 
Pyreus 

— "It  was   a  thousand   pities,   an'    please 

your    honour,    to    destroy    these    works 

and  a  thousand  pities  to  have  let  them 
stood." 

Thou  art  right,  Trim,  in  both  cases; 

said  my  uncle  Toby. This,  continued  the 

148 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

corporal,  is  the  reason,  that  from  the  begin- 
ning  of   their  demolition    to    the   end 1 

have  never  once  whistled,  or  sung,  or 
laugh' d,  or  cry'd,  or  talk'd  of  past  done 
deeds,  or  told  your  honour  one   story  good 

or  bad 

Thou    hast    many   excellencies,   Trim, 


said  my  uncle  Toby,  and  I  hold  it  not  the 
least  of  them,  as  thou  happenest  to  be  a 
story-teller,  that  of  the  number  thou  hast 
told  me,  either  to  amuse  me  in  my  pain- 
ful hours,  or  divert  me  in  my  grave  ones — 

thou  hast  seldom  told  me  a  bad  one 

Because,  an'   please  your  honour,  ex- 


cept one  of  a  King  of  Bohemia  and  his 
seven  castles, — they  are  all  true;  for  they 
are  about  myself 

I  do  not  like  the  subject  the  worse, 
Trim,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  on  that  score: 
But  prithee  what  is  this  story?  thou  hast 
excited  my  curiosity. 

I'll  tell  it  your  honour,  quoth  the  cor- 
poral, directly  —  Provided,  said  my  uncle 
Toby,    looking    earnestly    towards    Dunkirk 

and  the  mole  again provided  it  is  not  a 

merry  one;  to  such,  Trim,  a  man  should 
ever  bring    one   half   of   the    entertainment 

149 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

along  with  him;  and  the  disposition  I  am 
in  at  present  would  wrong  both  thee,  Trim, 

and  thy  story It  is  not  a  merry  one  by 

any  means,  replied  the  corporal — Nor  would 
I  have  it  altogether  a  grave  one,  added  my 

uncle  Toby It  is  neither  the  one  nor  the 

other,  replied  the  corporal,  but  will  suit  your 

honour  exactly Then  I'll  thank  thee  for 

it  with  all  my  heart,  cried  my  uncle  Toby; 
so  prithee  begin  it,  Trim. 

The  corporal  made  his  reverence ;  and 
though  it  is  not  so  easy  a  matter  as  the 
world  imagines,  to  pull  off  a  lank  Montero- 

cap  with  grace or  a  whit  less  difficult,  in 

my  conceptions,  when  a  man  is  sitting  squat 
upon  the  ground,  to  make  a  bow  so  teem- 
ing with  respect  as  the  corporal  was  wont, 
yet  by  suffering  the  palm  of  his  right  hand, 
which  was  towards  his  master,  to  slip  back- 
wards upon  the  grass,  a  little  beyond  his 
body,  in  order  to  allow  it  the  greater  sweep 

and  by  an  unforced  compression,  at  the 

same  time,  of  his  cap  with  the  thumb  and 
the  two  forefingers  of  his  left,  by  which  the 
diameter  of  the  cap  became  reduced,  so  that 
it  might  be  said,  rather  to  be  insensibly 
squeez'd — than   pull'd  off  with  a  flatus 

150 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

the  corporal  acquitted  himself  of  both  in  a 
better  manner  than  the  posture  of  his  affairs 
promised ;  and  having  hemmed  twice,  to  find 
in  what  key  his  story  would  best  go,  and  best 
suit  his  master's  humour, — he  exchanged  a 
single  look  of  kindness  with  him,  and  set  off 
thus. 


THE    STORY    OP    THE    KING    OF    BOHEMIA    AND 
HIS     SEVEN    CASTLES. 


T 


HERE  was   a   certain   king  of   Bo 
he 


As  the  corporal  was  entering  the  con- 
fines of  Bohemia,  my  uncle  Toby  obliged 
him  to  halt  for  a  single  moment;  he  had 
set  out  bare-headed,  having  since  he  pull'd 
off  his  Montero-c&p  in  the  latter  end  of  the 
last  chapter,  left  it  lying  beside  him  on  the 
ground. 

The    eye    of    Goodness    espieth    all 

things so    that  before  the   corporal    had 

well  got  through  the  first  five  words  of  his 
story,  had  my  uncle  Toby  twice  touch 'd  his 
Montero-csLp  with  the  end  of  his  cane,  in- 
terrogatively  as   much  as  to  say,  Why 

161 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

don't  you  put  it  on,  Triml  Trim  took  it 
up  with  the  most  respectful  slowness,  and 
casting  a  glance  of  humiliation  as  he  did  it, 
upon  the  embroidery  of  the  fore-part,  which 
being  dismally  tarnish 'd  and  fray'd  more- 
over in  some  of  the  principal  leaves  and 
boldest  parts  of  the  pattern,  he  lay'd  it 
down  again  between  his  two  feet,  in  order 
to  moralize  upon  the  subject. 

'Tis   every  word  of  it   but  too  true, 

cried  my  uncle  Toby,  that  thou  art  about 
to  observe 

"Nothing  in  this  world,  Trim,  is  made  to 
last  for  ever. ' ' 

But  when   tokens,  dear   Tom,  of  thy 

love  and  remembrance  wear  out,  said  Trim, 
what  shall  we  say? 

There  is  no  occasion,  Trim,  quoth  my 
uncle  Toby,  to  say  any  thing  else;  and  was 
a  man  to  puzzle  his  brains  till  Doom's  day, 
I  believe,  Trim,  it  would  be  impossible. 

The  corporal  perceiving  my  uncle  Toby 
was  in  the  right,  and  that  it  would  be  in 
vain  for  the  wit  of  man  to  think  of  extract- 
ing a  purer  moral  from  his  cap,  without 
further  attempting  it,  he  put  it  on ;  and 
passing  his  hand  across  his  forehead  to  rub 

152 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

out  a  pensive  wrinkle,  which  the  text  and 
the  doctrine  between  them  had  engender' d, 
he  return 'd,  with  the  same  look  and  tone  of 
voice,  to  his  story  of  the  king  of  Bohemia 
and  his  seven  castles. 


THE     STORY    OF    THE     KING    OF    BOHEMIA    AND 
HIS    SEVEN    CASTLES,    CONTINUED. 

THERE  was  a  certain  king  of  Bohemia, 
but  in  whose  reign,  except  his  own,  I 
am  not  able  to  inform  your  honour 

I  do  not  desire  it  of  thee,  Trim,  by  any 
means,  cried  my  uncle  Toby. 

It  was   a   little   before   the   time,   an' 

please  your  honour,  when  giants  were  be- 
ginning to  leave  off  breeding: — but  in  what 
year  of  our  Lord  that  was 

I  would  not  give  a  halfpenny  to  know, 
said  my  uncle   Toby. 

Only,  an'  please  your  honour,  it  makes 

a  story  look  the  better  in  the  face 

'Tis   thy  own,    Trim,  so   ornament  it 

after  thy  own  fashion;  and  take  any  date, 
continued  my  uncle  Toby,  looking  pleasantly 
upon  him — take  any  date  in  the  whole  world 


153 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

thou  chusest,  and  put  it  to — thou  art  heartily 

welcome 

The  corporal  bowed;  for  of  every  century, 
and  of  every  year  of  that  century,  from  the 
first  creation  of  the  world  down  to  Noah's 
flood ;  and  from  Noah's  flood  to  the  birth  of 
Abraham;  through  all  the  pilgrimages  of  the 
patriarchs,  to  the  departure  of  the  Israelites 

out   of  Egypt and   throughout   all   the 

Dynasties,  Olympiads,  Urbeconditas,  and 
other  memorable  epochas  of  the  different 
nations  of  the  world,  down  to  the  coming 
of  Christ,  and  from  thence  to  the  very 
moment  in  which   the   corporal   was  telling 

his  story had   my   uncle   Toby  subjected 

this  vast  empire  of  time  and  all  its  abysses 
at  his  feet;  but  as  modesty  scarce  touches 
with  a  finger  what  liberality  offers  her 
with  both  hands  open — the  corporal  con- 
tented himself  with  the  very  worst  year  of 
the  whole  bunch;  which,  to  prevent  your 
honours  of  the  Majority  and  Minority  from 
tearing  the  very  flesh  off  your  bones  in  con- 
testation, *  Whether  that  year  is  not  always 
the  last  cast-year  of  the  last  cast-almanack' 

1   tell  you   plainly  it  was;   but  from  a 

different  reason  than  you  wot  of 

154 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

It  was  the  year  next  him which 

heing  the  year  of  our  Lord  seventeen  hun- 
dred and  twelve,  when  the  Duke  of  Ormond 

was   playing  the  devil   in  Flanders the 

corporal  took  it,  and  set  out  with  it  afresh 
on  his  expedition  to  Bohemia. 


THE     STORY    OF    THE     KING    OF    BOHEMIA    AND 
HIS    SEVEN    CASTLES,    CONTINUED. 


I 


N  the  year  of  our  Lord  one  thousand 
seven  hundred  and  twelve,  there  was, 
an'  please  your  honour 

To   tell  thee  truly,    Trim,  quoth  my 


uncle  Toby,  any  other  date  would  have 
pleased  me  much  better,  not  only  on  ac- 
count of  the  sad  stain  upon  our  history 
that  year,  in  marching  off  our  troops,  and 
refusing  to  cover  the  siege  of  Quesnoi, 
though  Fagel  was  carrying  on  the  works 
with  such  incredible  vigour — but  likewise 
on  the  score,  Trim,  of  thy  own  story;  be- 
cause if  there  are — and  which,  from  what 
thou  hast  dropt,  I  partly  suspect  to  be  the 
fact — if  there  are  giants  in  it 

156 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

There   is   but   one,   an'   please   your    hon- 
our  

'Tis  as   bad    as   twenty,    replied    my 


uncle    Toby thou   should' st  have   carried 

him  back  some  seven  or  eight  hundred 
years  out  of  harm's  way,  both  of  critics 
and    other    people;    and    therefore   I   would 

advise  thee,  if  ever  thou  tellest  it  again 

If  I  live,  an'  please  your  honour,  but 


once  to  get  through  it,  I  will  never  tell  it 
again,  quoth   Trim,  either  to   man,  woman, 

or  child Poo — poo!   said   my  uncle  Toby 

— but  with  accents  of  such  sweet  encourage- 
ment did  he  utter  it,  that  the  corporal  went 
on  with  his  story  with  more  alacrity  than 
ever. 


THE    STORY    OF    THE     KING    OF    BOHEMIA    AND 
HIS    SEVEN    CASTLES,    CONTINUED. 

THERE   was,    an'   please    your   honour, 
said    the    corporal,    raising    his    voice, 
and    rubbing    the    palms    of    his    two 
hands  cheerily  together  as  he  begun,  a  cer- 
tain king  of  Bohemia 

156 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Leave    out   the    date    entirely,   Trim, 

quoth  my  uncle  Toby,  leaning  forwards,  and 
laying  his  hand  gently  upon  the  corporal's 
shoulder  to  temper  the  interruption — leave 
it  out  entirely,  Trim;  a  story  passes  very 
well   without    these    niceties,    unless    one    is 

pretty  sure  of  'em Sure  of  'em!  said  the 

corporal,  shaking  his  head 

Right;  answered  my  uncle  Toby,  it  is  not 
easy,  Trim,  for  one,  bred  up  as  thou  and  I 
have  been  to  arms,  who  seldom  looks  fur- 
ther forward  than  to  the  end  of  his  musket, 
or  backwards  beyond  his  knapsack,  to  know 

much  about  this  matter God   bless  your 

honour!  said  the  corporal,  won  by  the  man- 
ner of  my  uncle  Toby's  reasoning,  as  much 
as  by  the  reasoning  itself,  he  has  something 
else  to  do;  if  not  on  action,  or  a  march, 
or  upon  duty  in  his  garrison  —  he  has  his 
firelock,  an'  please  your  honour,  to  furbish — 
his  accoutrements  to  take  care  of — his  regi- 
mentals to  mend  —  himself  to  shave  and 
keep  clean,  so  as  to  appear  always  like  what 
he  is  upon  the  parade;  what  business,  added 
the  corporal  triumphantly,  has  a  soldier,  an' 
please  your  honour,  to  know  any  thing  at 
all  of  geography  ? 

157 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

—Thou  would 'st  have   said  chronology, 


Trim,  said  my  uncle  Toby;  for  as  for  geog- 
raphy, 'tis  of  absolute  use  to  him;  he  must 
be  acquainted  intimately  with  every  country 
and  its  boundaries  where  his  profession  car- 
ries him;  he  should  know  every  town  and 
city,  and  village  and  hamlet,  with  the  canals, 
the  roads,  and  hollow  ways  which  lead  up 
to  them;  there  is  not  a  river  or  a  rivulet 
he  passes,  Trim,  but  he  should  be  able  at 
first  sight  to  tell  thee  what  is  its  name — 
in  what  mountains  it  takes  its  rise — what  is 
its  course — how  far  it  is  navigable — where 
fordable — where  not;  he  should  know  the 
fertility  of  every  valley,  as  well  as  the  hind 
who  ploughs  it;  and  be  able  to  describe, 
or,  if  it  is  required,  to  give  thee  an  exact 
map  of  all  the  plains  and  defiles,  the  forts, 
the  acclivities,  the  woods  and  morasses,  thro' 
and  by  which  his  army  is  to  march;  he 
should  know  their  produce,  their  plants, 
their  minerals,  their  waters,  their  animals, 
their  seasons,  their  climates,  their  heats  and 
cold,  their  inhabitants,  their  customs,  their 
language,  their  policy,  and  even  their  re- 
ligion. 

Is  it  else  to  be  conceived,  corporal,  con- 
ire 


OF  TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

tinued  my  uncle  Toby,  rising  up  in  his  sen- 
try-box, as  he  began  to  warm  in  this  part 
of  his  discourse — how  Marlborough  could 
have  marched  his  army  from  the  banks  of 
the  Maes  to  Belburg;  from  Belburg  to 
Kerpenord — (here  the  corporal  could  sit  no 
longer)  from  Kerpenord,  Trim,  to  Kalsaken; 
from  Kalsaken  to  Newdorf;  from  Newdorf 
to  Ladenbourg;  from  Ladenbourg  to  Milden- 
heim;  from  Mildenheim  to  Elchingen;  from 
Elchingen  to  Gringen;  from  Gingen  to  1$ ai- 
mer choff  en;  from  B  aimer  choff en  to  Skellen- 
burg,  where  he  broke  in  upon  the  enemy's 
works;  forced  his  passage  over  the  Danube; 
cross' d  the  Lech — push'd  on  his  troops  into 
the  heart  of  the  empire,  marching  at  the 
head  of  them  through  Fribourg,  Hokenwert, 
and  Schonevelt,  to   the   plains    of   Blenheim 

and  Hochstet? Great  as  he  was,  corporal, 

he  could  not  have  advanced  a  step,  or  made 
one  single  day's  march,  without  the  aids  of 

Geography. As   for   Chronology,   I   own, 

Trim,  continued  my  uncle  Toby,  sitting 
down  again  coolly  in  his  sentry-box,  that 
of  all  others,  it  seems  a  science  which  the 
soldier  might  best  spare,  was  it  not  for  the 
lights  which  that  science  must  one  day  give 

159 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

him,  in  determining  the  invention  of  pow- 
der; the  furious  execution  of  which,  ren- 
versing  every  thing  like  thunder  before  it, 
has  become  a  new  aera  to  us  of  military 
improvements,  changing  so  totally  the  na- 
ture of  attacks  and  defences  both  by  sea 
and  land,  and  awakening  so  much  art  and 
skill  in  doing  it,  that  the  world  cannot  be 
too  exact  in  ascertaining  the  precise  time  of 
its  discovery,  or  too  inquisitive  in  knowing 
what  great  man  was  the  discoverer,  and 
what  occasions  gave  birth  to  it. 

I  am  far  from  controverting,  continued 
my  uncle  Toby,  what  historians  agree  in, 
that  in  the  year  of  our  Lord  1380,  under 
the  reign  of  Wencelaus,  son  of  Charles  the 

Fourth a  certain  priest,  whose  name  was 

Schwartz,  shew'd  the  use  of  powder  to  the 
Venetians,  in  their  wars  against  the  Genoese; 
but  'tis  certain  he  was  not  the  first;  because, 
if  we  are  to  believe  Don  Pedro,  the  bishop 
of  Leon — How  came  priests  and  bishops,  an' 
please  your  honour,  to  trouble  their  heads 
so   much  about  gun- powder  ?     God   knows, 

said  my  uncle  Toby— his  providence  brings 

good  out  of  every  thing — and  he  avers,  in 
his   chronicle   of    King   Alphonsus,    who    re-r 

160 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

duced  Toledo,  That  in  the  year  1343,  which 
was  full  thirty-seven  years  before  that  time, 
the  secret  of  powder  was  well  known,  and 
employed  with  success,  both  by  Moors  and 
Christians,  not  only  in  their  sea-combats,  at 
that  period,  but  in  many  of  their  most 
memorable  sieges  in  Spain  and  Barbary — 
And  all  the  world  knows,  that  Friar  Bacon 
had  wrote  expressly  about  it,  and  had  gen- 
erously given  the  world  a  receipt  to  make 
it  by,  above  a  hundred  and  fifty  years  be- 
fore even  Schwartz  was  born — And  that  the 
Chinese,  added  my  uncle  Toby,  embarrass  us, 
and  all  accounts  of  it,  still  more,  by  boast- 
ing of  the  invention  some  hundreds  of  years 
even  before  him 

— They  are  a  pack  of  liars,  I  believe,  cried 
Trim 

They  are  somehow  or  other  deceived, 

said  my  uncle  Toby,  in  this  matter,  as  is 
plain  to  me  from  the  present  miserable 
state  of  military  architecture  amongst  them; 
which  consists  of  nothing  more  than  a  fosse 
with  a  brick  wall  without  flanks — and  for 
what  they  gave  us  as  a  bastion  at  each 
angle  of  it,  'tis  so  barbarously  constructed, 
that  it  looks  for  all  the  world 

161 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

Like  one  of  my  seven  castles,  an'  please 
your  honour,  quoth  Trim. 

My  uncle  Toby,  tho'  in  the  utmost  dis- 
tress for  a  comparison,  most  courteously 
refused  Trim's  offer — till  Trim  telling  him, 
he  had  half  a  dozen  more  in  Bohemia,  which 

he  knew  not  how  to  get  off  his  hands 

my    uncle    Toby  was    so    touch 'd  with   the 

pleasantry  of  heart  of  the   corporal that 

he  discontinued  his  dissertation  upon  gun- 
powder  and  begged  the  corporal  forth- 
with to  go  on  with  his  story  of  the  King 
of  Bohemia  and  his  seven  castles. 


THE    STORY    OF    THE    KING    OF    BOHEMIA    AND 
HIS    SEVEN    CASTLES,    CONTINUED. 

THIS  unfortunate  King  of  Bohemia,  said 
Trim, Was   he  unfortunate,  then? 

cried  my  uncle  Toby,  for  he  had  been 
so  wrapt  up  in  his  dissertation  upon  gun- 
powder, and  other  military  affairs,  that  tho' 
he  had  desired  the  corporal  to  go  on,  yet 
the  many  interruptions  he  had  given,  dwelt 
not  so  strong  upon  his  fancy,  as  to  account 

162 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

for  the  epithet Was  he  unfortunate,  then, 

Trim?  said  my  uncle  Toby,  pathetically 

The  corporal,  wishing  first  the  word  and  all 
its  synonimas  at  the  devil,  forthwith  began 
to  run  back  in  his  mind,  the  principal  events 
in  the  King  of  Bohemia's  story;  from  every 
one  of  which,  it  appearing  that  he  was  the 
most  fortunate  man  that  ever  existed  in  the 

world it  put  the  corporal  to  a  stand:  for 

not  caring  to  retract  his  epithet and  less, 

to  explain  it and  least  of  all,  to  twist  his 

tale  (like  men  of  lore)  to  serve  a  system 

he  looked  up   in   my  uncle   Toby's  face  for 

assistance but    seeing    it    was    the    very 

thing,  my  uncle   Toby  sat  in  expectation  of 

himself after  a  hum  and  a  haw,  he  went 

on 

The  King  of  Bohemia,  an'  please  your 
honour,  replied  the  corporal,  was  unfortu- 
nate, as  thus That  taking  great  pleasure 

and  delight  in  navigation  and  all  sort  of  sea 

affairs and    there   happening  throughout 

the  whole  kingdom  of  Bohemia,  to  be  no 
sea- port  town  whatever 

How  the  duce  should  there — Trim?  cried 
my  uncle  Toby;  for  Bohemia  being  totally 
inland,    it    could    have    happen' d    no   other- 

163 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

wise It    might ;    said    Trim,    if    it    had 

pleased  God 

My  uncle  Toby  never  spoke  of  the  being 
and  natural  attributes  of  God,  but  with  dif- 
fidence and  hesitation 

1  believe  not,  replied  my  uncle  Toby, 

after  some   pause for  being  inland,  as  I 

said,  and  having  Silesia  and  Moravia  to  the 
east ;  Lusatia  and  Upper  Saxony  to  the 
north;  Franconia  to  the  west;  Bavaria  to 
the  south;  Bohemia  could  not  have  been 
propell'd  to  the  sea,  without  ceasing  to  be 

Bohemia nor  could  the  sea,  on  the  other 

hand,  have  come  up  to  Bohemia,  without 
overflowing  a  great  part  of  Germany,  and 
destroying  millions  of  unfortunate  inhabit- 
ants who  could  make  no   defence  against  it 

Scandalous!    cried    Trim — Which   would 

bespeak,  added  my  uncle  Toby,  mildly,  such 
a   want   of    compassion   in   him   who   is   the 

father   of  it that,    I    think,    Trim the 

thing  could  have  happen' d  no  way. 

The  corporal  made  the  bow  of  unfeigned 
conviction;  and  went  on. 

Now  the  King  of  Bohemia  with  his  queen 
and  courtiers  happening1  one  fine  summer's 
evening    to    walk    out Aye !    there    the 

164 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

wowl  happening  is  right,  Trim,  cried  my 
uncle  Toby;  for  the  King  of  Bohemia  and 
his  queen   might  have  walk'd  out  or  let  it 

alone ; 'twas    a    matter   of    contingency, 

which  might  happen,  or  not,  just  as  chance 
ordered  it. 

King  William  was  of  an  opinion,  an'  please 
your  honour,  quoth  Trim,  that  every  thing 
was  predestined  for  us  in  this  world;  inso- 
much, that  he  would  often  say  to  his  sol- 
diers, that  ' '  every  ball  had  its  billet. ' '     He 

was   a   great   man,  said  my  uncle   Toby 

And  I  believe,  continued  Trim,  to  this  day, 
that  the  shot  which  disabled  me  at  the 
battle  of  Landen,  was  pointed  at  my  knee 
for  no  other  purpose,  but  to  take  me  out 
of  his  service,  and  place  me  in  your  hon- 
our's, where    I    should    be    taken    so    much 

better    care    of    in    my   old    age It    shall 

never,  Trim,  be  construed  otherwise,  said 
my  uncle   Toby. 

The  heart,  both  of  the  master  and  the 
man,  were  alike  subject  to  sudden  overflow- 
ings;  a  short  silence  ensued. 

Besides,   said    the    corporal,   resuming   the 

discourse — but    in    a    gayer    accent if   it 

had   not   been   for  that   single    shot,    I    had 

165 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

never,  an'  please  your  honour,  been  in 
love 

So,  thou  wast  once  in  love,  Trim!  said 
my  uncle  Toby,  smiling 

Souse !  replied  the  corporal — over  head 
and  ears!  an'  please  your  honour.  Prithee 
when?   where? — and    how  came  it  to   pass? 

1   never  heard   one   word   of  it   before; 

quoth  my  uncle  Toby: 1  dare  say,  an- 
swered Trim,  that  every  drummer  and  Ser- 
jeant's son  in  the  regiment  knew  of  it 

It's    high   time    I    should said   my  uncle 

Toby. 

Your  honour  remembers  with  concern, 
said  the  corporal,  the  total  rout  and  con- 
fusion of  our  camp  and  army  at  the  affair 
of  Landen;  every  one  was  left  to  shift  for 
himself;  and  if  it  had  not  been  for  the  regi- 
ments of  JVyndham,  Lumley,  and  Galway, 
which  covered  the  retreat  over  the  bridge 
of    Neerspeeken,    the     king     himself    could 

scarce    have    gained    it he    was    press 'd 

hard,  as  your  honour  knows,  on  every  side 
of  him 

Gallant  mortal !  cried  my  uncle  Toby, 
caught  up  with  enthusiasm — this  moment, 
now  that  all  is   lost,    I   see   him   galloping 

166 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

across  me,  corporal,  to  the  left,  to  bring 
up  the  remains  of  the  English  horse  along 
with  him  to  support  the  right,  and  tear  the 
laurel  from  Luxembourg's  brows,  if  yet  'tis 

possible 1  see  him  with  the  knot  of  his 

scarfe  just  shot  off,  infusing  fresh  spirits  into 
poor  Gal-way's  regiment — riding  along  the 
line  —  then    wheeling    about,    and    charging 

Conti  at  the  head  of  it Brave!  brave  by 

heaven!   cried   my   uncle   Toby — he   deserves 

a  crown As   richly,  as   a   thief   a   halter; 

shouted   Trim. 

My  uncle  Toby  knew  the  corporal's  loy- 
alty;— otherwise  the  comparison  was  not  at 

all    to    his    mind it    did    not    altogether 

strike  the  corporal's  fancy  when  he  had  made 

it but  it  could  not  be  recall' d so  he 

had  nothing  to  do,  but  proceed. 

As  the  number  of  wounded  was  prodi- 
gious, and  no  one  had  time  to  think  of 
any  thing  but  his  own  safety  —  Though 
Talmash,  said   my   uncle    Toby,  brought   off 

the  foot  with  great  prudence But  I  was 

left  upon  the  field,  said  the  corporal.  Thou 
wast    so;    poor    fellow!    replied    my    uncle 

Toby So  that  it  was  noon  the  next  day, 

continued    the    corporal,    before    I    was    ex- 

16T 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

changed,  and  put  into  a  cart  with  thirteen 
or  fourteen  more,  in  order  to  be  convey' d 
to  our  hospital. 

There  is  no  part  of  the  body,  an'  please 
your  honour,  where  a  wound  occasions  more 
intolerable  anguish  than  upon  the  knee 

Except  the  groin;  said  my  uncle  Toby. 
An'  please  your  honour,  replied  the  cor- 
poral, the  knee,  in  my  opinion,  must  cer- 
tainly be  the  most  acute,  there  being  so 
many  tendons  and  what- d'ye- call -'ems  all 
about  it. 

It  is  for  that  reason,  quoth  my  uncle 
Toby,  that  the  groin  is  infinitely  more  sensi- 
ble  there  being  not  only  as  many  ten- 
dons  and   what- d'ye -call -'ems  (for   I    know 

their  names  as  little  as  thou  dost) about 

it but  moreover  *  *  * 

Mrs  Wadman,  who  had  been  all  the  time 
in  her  arbour — instantly  stopp'd  her  breath 
— unpinn'd  her  mob  at  the  chin,  and  stood 
up  upon  one  leg 

The  dispute  was  maintained  with  amica- 
ble and  equal  force  betwixt  my  uncle  Toby 
and  Trim  for  some  time;  till  Trim  at  length 
recollecting  that  he  had  often  cried  at  his 
master's  sufferings,  but  never  shed  a  tear  at 

168 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

his  own — was  for  giving  up  the  point,  which 

my   uncle  Toby  would  not  allow 'Tis  a 

proof  of  nothing,  Trim,  said  he,  but  the 
generosity  of  thy  temper 

So  that  whether  the  pain  of  a  wound  in 
the  groin  (ceteris  paribus)  is  greater  than 
the  pain  of  a  wound  in  the  knee or 

Whether  the  pain  of  a  wound  in  the 
knee    is    not    greater    than    the    pain    of    a 

wound  in  the  groin are  points  which  to 

this  day  remain  unsettled. 


CHAPTER  XX. 

THE  anguish  of  my  knee,  continued  the 
corporal,   was   excessive   in   itself;    and 
the    uneasiness   of   the    cart,   with   the 
roughness  of  the   roads  which  were  terribly 

cut   up making    bad    still    worse — every 

step  was  death  to  me:  so  that  with  the  loss 
of  blood,  and  the  want  of  care-taking  of  me, 

and   a   fever    I    felt   coming   on   besides 

(Poor    soul !    said    my    uncle     Toby) all 

169 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

together,  an'  please  your  honour,  was  more 
than  I  could  sustain. 

I  was  telling  my  sufferings  to  a  young 
woman  at  a  peasant's  house,  where  our  cart, 
which  was  the  last  of  the  line,  had  halted; 
they  had  help'd  me  in,  and  the  young  woman 
had  taken  a  cordial  out  of  her  pocket  and 
dropp'd  it  upon  some  sugar,  and  seeing  it 
had  cheer' d  me,  she  had  given  it  me  a 
second  and  a  third  time So  I  was  tell- 
ing her,  an'  please  your  honour,  the  anguish 
I  was  in,  and  was  saying  it  was  so  intolera- 
ble to  me,  that  I  had  much  rather  He  down 
upon  the  bed,  turning  my  face  towards  one 
which  was  in  the  corner  of  the  room — and 
die,  than  go  on when,  upon  her  attempt- 
ing to  lead  me  to  it,  I  fainted  away  in  her 
arms.  She  was  a  good  soul !  as  your  hon- 
our, said  the  corporal,  wiping  his  eyes,  will 
hear. 

I  thought  love  had  been  a  joyous  thing, 
quoth  my  uncle  Toby. 

'Tis  the  most  serious  thing,  an'  please 
your  honour  (sometimes),  that  is  in  the 
world. 

By  the  persuasion  of  the  young  woman, 
continued    the    corporal,    the    cart    with    the 

170 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

wounded  men  set  off  without  me:  she  had 
assured  them  I  should  expire  immediately 
if  I  was  put  into  the  cart.    So  when  I  came 

to  myself 1  found  myself  in  a  still  quiet 

cottage,  with  no  one  but  the  young  woman, 
and  the  peasant  and  his  wife.  I  was  laid 
across  the  bed  in  the  corner  of  the  room, 
with  my  wounded  leg  upon  a  chair,  and  the 
young  woman  beside  me,  holding  the  corner 
of  her  handkerchief  dipp'd  in  vinegar  to  my 
nose  with  one  hand,  and  rubbing  my  tem- 
ples with  the  other. 

I  took  her  at  first  for  the  daughter  of 
the  peasant  (for  it  was  no  inn) — so  had 
offer' d  her  a  little  purse  with  eighteen 
florins,  which  my  poor  brother  Tom  (here 
Trim  wip'd  his  eyes)  had  sent  me  as  a 
token,  by  a  recruit,  just  before  he  set  out 
for  Lisbon. 

1    never   told   your   honour  that  pite- 


ous story  yet here   Trim  wiped  his  eyes 

a   third  time. 

The  young  woman  call'd  the  old  man 
and  his  wife  into  the  room,  to  shew  them 
the  money,  in  order  to  gain  me  credit  for 
a  bed  and  what  little  necessaries  I  should 
want,  till   I   should  be  in  a  condition  to  be 

171 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

got  to  the  hospital Come  then!  said  she, 

tying  up  the  little  purse — I'll  be  your 
banker  —  but  as  that  office  alone  will  not 
keep  me  employ'd,  I'll  be  your  nurse  too. 

I  thought  by  her  manner  of  speaking  this, 
as  well  as  by  her  dress,  which  I  then  began 

to    consider    more    attentively that    the 

young  woman  could  not  be  the  daughter 
of  the  peasant. 

She  was  in  black  down  to  her  toes,  with 
her  hair  conceal' d  under  a  cambric  border, 
laid  close  to  her  forehead:  she  was  one  of 
those  kind  of  nuns,  an'  please  your  honour, 
of  which,  your  honour  knows,  there  are  a 
good  many  in  Flanders  which  they  let  go 

loose By  thy  description,   Trim,  said  my 

uncle  Toby,  I  dare  say  she  was  a  young 
Beguine,  of  which  there  are  none  to  be 
found  any  where  but  in  the  Spanish  Nether- 
lands— except    at  Amsterdam they  differ 

from  nuns  in  this,  that  they  can  quit  their 
cloister  if  they  choose  to  marry;   they  visit 

and  take  care  of  the  sick  by  profession 

I  had  rather,  for  my  own  part,  they  did  it 
out  of  good-nature. 

She  often  told   me,  quoth   Trim,  she 

did  it  for  the  love  of  Christ — I  did  not  like 

172 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

it. 1  believe,   Trim,  we  are  both  wrong, 

said  my  uncle  Toby — we'll  ask  Mr  Yorick 
about    it    to-night   at   my   brother  Shandy's 

so  put  me  in   mind;    added   my  uncle 

Toby. 

The  young  Beguine,  continued  the  cor- 
poral, had  scarce  given  herself  time  to  tell 
me  ' '  she  would  be  my  nurse, ' '  when  she 
hastily  turned   about  to  begin   the  office  of 

one,  and   prepare   something  for  me and 

in  a  short  time — though  I  thought  it  a  long 
one — she  came  back  with  flannels,  &c.  &c. 
and  having  fomented  my  knee  soundly  for 
a  couple  of  hours,  &c.  and  made  me  a  thin 
bason  of  gruel  for  my  supper — she  wish'd 
me    rest,    and    promised    to    be    with    me 

early   in   the   morning. She  wish'd   me, 

an'  please  your  honour,  what  was  not 
to  be  had.  My  fever  ran  very  high  that 
night  —  her  figure  made  sad  disturbance 
within  me  —  I  was  every  moment  cutting 
the  world  in  two — to  give  her  half  of  it — 
and  every  moment  was  I  crying,  That  I 
had   nothing   but    a    knapsack   and   eighteen 

florins    to    share    with    her The    whole 

night  long  was  the  fair  Begin  ne,  like  an 
angel,   close    by   my  bedside,    holding  back 

173 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

my  curtain  and  offering  me  cordials — and  I 
was  only  awakened  from  my  dream  by  her 
coming  there  at  the  hour  promised,  and 
giving  them  in  reality.  In  truth,  she  was 
scarce  ever  from  me;  and  so  accustomed 
was  I  to  receive  life  from  her  hands,  that 
my  heart  sickened,  and  I  lost  colour  when 
she  left  the  room:  and  yet,  continued  the 
corporal  (making  one  of  the  strangest  reflec- 
tions upon  it  in  the  world) 

"It  was  not  love" for  during  the 

three  weeks  she  was  almost  constantly  with 
me,  fomenting  my  knee  with  her  hand, 
night  and  day — I  can  honestly  say,  an' 
please  your  honour — that     *        #        #        * 

•Ur  -U.  -y-  Jfe  -y*  -Afc.  -^  ^L.  m. 

"IT  W  w  TT  w  TT  TT  "JP  Tp 

_\/,  jr,  .At.  JZ. 

*        *        *        *      once. 

That    was    very    odd,     Trim,    quoth    my 
uncle  Toby. 

I  think  so  too — said  Mrs   Wadman. 

It  never  did,  said  the  corporal. 


174 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XXI. 

But  'tis  no  marvel,  continued  the  cor- 
poral— seeing  my  uncle  Toby  musing  upon 
it — for  Love,  an'  please  your  honour,  is  ex- 
actly like  war,  in  this;  that  a  soldier,  though 
he  has  escaped  three  weeks  complete  o' Satur- 
day night, — may  nevertheless  be  shot  through 

his  heart  on  Sunday  morning It  happened 

so  here,  an'  please  your  honour,  with  this  dif- 
ference only — that  it  was  on  Sunday  in  the 
afternoon,  when    I    fell  in  love  all  at  once 

with   a  sisserara It   burst   upon    me,   an' 

please   your  honour,   like  a  bomb scarce 

giving  me  time  to  say,   "God  bless  me." 

I  thought,  Trim,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  a 
man  never  fell  in  love  so  very  suddenly. 

Yes,  an'  please  your  honour,  if  he  is  in 
the  way  of  it replied  Trim. 

I  prithee,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby,  inform 
me  how  this  matter  happened. 

With   all   pleasure,  said  the  corporal, 

making  a  bow. 


175 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XXII. 

I  HAD  escaped,  continued  the  corporal, 
all  that  time  from  falling  in  love,  and 
had  gone  to  the  end  of   the   chapter, 

had   it  not   been   predestined   otherwise 

there  is  no  resisting  our  fate. 

It  was  on  a  Sunday,  in  the  afternoon,  as 
I  told  your  honour. 

The  old  man  and  his  wife  had  walked 
out 

Every  thing  was  still  and  hush  as  mid- 
night about  the  house 

There  was  not  so  much  as  a  duck  or  a 
duckling  about  the  yard 

When   the   fair   Beguine   came   in   to 

see  me. 

My  wound  was  then  in  a  fair  way  of  do- 
ing well the  inflammation  had  been  gone 

off  for  some  time,  but  it  was  succeeded  with 
an  itching  both  above  and  below  my  knee, 
so  insufferable,  that  I  had  not  shut  my  eyes 
the  whole  night  for  it. 

Let   me  see  it,   said   she,   kneeling   down 


176 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

upon   the  ground  parallel  to  my  knee,  and 

laying  her  hand  upon  the  part  below  it 

it  only  wants  rubbing  a  little,  said  the 
Beguine ;  so  covering  it  with  the  bed- 
clothes, she  began  with  the  fore-finger  of 
her  right  hand  to  rub  under  my  knee,  guid- 
ing her  fore- finger  backwards  and  forwards 
by  the  edge  of  the  flannel  which  kept  on 
the  dressing. 

In  five  or  six  minutes  I  felt  slightly  the 
end  of  her  second  finger — and  presently  it 
was  laid  flat  with  the  other,  and  she  con- 
tinued rubbing  in  that  way  round  and  round 
for  a  good  while;  it  then  came  into  my 
head,  that  I  should  fall  in  love — I  blush' d 
when  I  saw  how  white  a  hand  she  had — I 
shall  never,  an'   please   your  honour,  behold 

another  hand  so  white  whilst  I  live 

-Not    in    that    place ;    said    my    uncle 


Toby- 

Though  it  was  the  most  serious  despair  in 
nature  to  the  corporal — he  could  not  forbear 
smiling. 

The  young  Beguine,  continued  the  cor- 
poral, perceiving  it  was  of  great  service  to 
me — from  rubbing  for  some  time,  with  two 
fingers — proceeded    to    rub    at    length,   with 

177 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

three — till  by  little  and  little  she  brought 
down  the  fourth,  and  then  rubb'd  with  her 
whole  hand:  I  will  never  say  another  word, 
an'  please  your  honour,  upon  hands  again — 

but  it  was  softer  than  sattin 

Prithee,    Trim,  commend   it   as   much 


as   thou   wilt,  said   my  uncle   Toby;   I   shall 

hear   thy   story    with   the    more   delight 

The  corporal  thank' d  his  master  most  un- 
feignedly;  but  having  nothing  to  say  upon 
the  Beguine's  hand  but  the  same  over  again 
he  proceeded  to  the  effects  of  it. 

The  fair  Beguine,  said  the  corporal,  con- 
tinued rubbing  with  her  whole  hand  under 
my  knee — till  I  fear'd  her  zeal  would  weary 

her "I    would    do    a    thousand    times 

more, ' '  said   she,   * '  for  the  love  of  Christ ' ' 

In    saying   which   she   pass'd    her   hand 

across  the  flannel,  to  the  part  above  my 
knee,  which  I  had  equally  complain' d  of, 
and  rubb'd  it  also. 

I  perceived,  then,  I  was  beginning  to  be 
in  love 

As  she  continued  rub-rub-rubbing — I  felt 
it  spread  from  under  her  hand,  an'  please 
your  honour,  to  every  part  of  my  frame 

The    more    she    rubb'd,    and    the    longer 

178 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

strokes  she  took the  more   the   fire  kin- 
dled  in   my  veins till  at  length,  by  two 

or  three  strokes  longer  than  the  rest my 

passion  rose  to  the  highest  pitch 1  seiz'd 

her  hand 

And   then   thou   clapped' st   it  to  thy 


lips,    Trim,    said     my    uncle     Toby and 

madest  a  speech. 

Whether  the  corporal's  amour  terminated 
precisely  in  the  way  my  uncle  Toby  de- 
scribed it,  is  not  material;  it  is  enough  that 
it  contained  in  it  the  essence  of  all  the  love 
romances  which  ever  have  been  wrote  since 
the  beginning  of  the  world. 


CHAPTER   XXIII. 

AS  soon  as  the  corporal  had  finished  the 
story  of  his  amour  —  or  rather  my 
uncle  Toby  for  him  —  Mrs  Wadman 
silently  sallied  forth  from  her  arbour,  re- 
placed the  pin  in  her  mob,  pass'd  the 
wicker-gate,  and  advanced  slowly  towards 
my  uncle  Toby's  sentry-box:  the  disposi- 
ng 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

tion    which    Trim   had    made    in    my   uncle 
Toby's  mind,  was  too  favourable  a  crisis  to 

be  let  slipp'd 

The   attack  was  determin'd  upon:    it 


was  facilitated  still  more  by  my  uncle  Toby's 
having  ordered  the  corporal  to  wheel  off  the 
pioneer's  shovel,  the  spade,  the  pick-axe,  the 
picquets,  and  other  military  stores  which  lay 
scatter' d  upon  the  ground  where  Dunkirk 
stood — The  corporal  had  march 'd — the  field 
was  clear. 

Now,  consider,  sir,  what  nonsense  it  is, 
either  in  fighting,  or  writing,  or  any  thing 
else  (whether  in  rhyme  to  it,  or  not)  which 
a  man  has  occasion  to  do — to  act  by  plan: 
for  if  ever  Plan,  independent  of  all  circum- 
stances, deserved  registering  in  letters  of  gold 
(I  mean  in  the  archives  of  Gotham) — it  was 
certainly  the  Plan  of  Mrs  Wadmari's  attack 
of  my  uncle  Toby  in  his  sentry-box,  by  Plan 

Now  the  plan  hanging  up  in  it  at  this 

juncture,  being  the  Plan  of  Dunkirk — and 
the  tale  of  Dunkirk  a  tale  of  relaxation,  it 
opposed  every  impression  she  could  make: 
and  besides,  could  she  have  gone  upon  it — 
the  manoeuvre  of  fingers  and  hands  in  the 
attack  of  the  sentry-box,  was  so  outdone  by 

180 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

that  of  the  fair  Beguine's,  in  Trim's  story — 
that  just  then,  that  particular  attack,  how- 
ever successful  before  —  became  the  most 
heartless  attack  that  could  be  made 

O!  let  woman  alone  for  this.  Mrs  Wad- 
man  had  scarce  open'd  the  wicker-gate,  when 
her  genius  sported  with  the  change  of  cir- 
cumstances. 

She  formed  a  new  attack  in  a  mo- 
ment. 


CHAPTER    XXIV. 

1  am  half  distracted,  captain  Shandy, 

said  Mrs  JVadman,  holding  up  her  cambrick 
handkerchief  to  her  left  eye,  as  she  ap- 
proach'd  the  door  of  my  uncle  Toby's  sen- 
try-box  a  mote or  sand or  some- 
thing   1    know    not   what,   has    got    into 

this  eye  of  mine do  look  into  it — it  is 

not  in  the  white — 

In  saying  which,  Mrs  Wadman  edged  her- 
self close  in  beside  my  uncle  Toby,  and 
squeezing  herself  down   upon  the  corner  of 

181 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

his  bench,  she  gave  him  an  opportunity  of 

doing  it  without  rising  up Do  look  into 

it — said  she. 

Honest  soul!  thou  didst  look  into  it  with 
as  much  innocency  of  heart,  as  ever  child 
look'd  into  a  raree- shew- box ;  and  'twere  as 
much  a  sin  to  have  hurt  thee. 

If  a  man  will  be  peeping  of  his  own 

accord    into    things   of  that   nature I've 

nothing  to  say  to  it 

My  uncle  Toby  never  did:  and  I  will 
answer  for  him,  that  he  would  have  sat 
quietly  upon  a  sofa  from  June  to  January 
(which,  you  know,  takes  in  both  the  hot 
and  cold  months),  with  an  eye  as  fine  as 
the  Thracian*  Rodope's  beside  him,  with- 
out being  able  to  tell,  whether  it  was  a 
black  or  blue  one. 

The  difficulty  was  to  get  my  uncle  Toby, 
to  look  at  one  at  all. 

'Tis  surmounted.     And 

I  see  him  yonder  with  his  pipe  pendu- 
lous in  his  hand,  and  the  ashes  falling  out 
of   it — looking — and    looking — then    rubbing 


*  Rodope  Thraeia  tam  inevitabili  fascino  instructa,  tam  exacts 
oculus  intuens  attraxit,  ut  si  in  illara  quis  incidisset,  fieri  non 
posset,  quin  caperetur. 1  know  not  who. 

182 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

his  eyes — and  looking  again,  with  twice  the 
good-nature  that  ever  Qallileo  look'd  for  a 
spot  in  the  sun. 

In  vain!    for  by  all  the  powers  which 

animate    the    organ Widow     Wadmari's 

left  eye  shines  this   moment  as  lucid  as  her 

right there   is   neither   mote,  or   sand,  or 

dust,  or  chaff,  or  speck,  or  particle  of  opake 
matter  floating  in  it — There  is  nothing,  my 
dear  paternal  uncle!  but  one  lambent  deli- 
cious fire,  furtively  shooting  out  from  every 
part  of  it,  in  all  directions,  into  thine 

If  thou  lookest,  uncle  Toby,  in  search 

of  this  mote  one  moment  longer — thou  art 
undone. 


CHAPTER    XXV. 

AN  eye  is  for  all  the  world  exactly  like 
a  cannon,   in    this  respect;    That  it   is 
not  so  much  the  eye  or  the  cannon,  in 
themselves,  as  it  is  the  carriage  of  the  eye 

and    the    carriage    of    the    cannon,    by 

which   both  the  one   and  the  other  are  en- 
abled   to    do    so    much    execution.     I   don't 

183 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

think  the  comparison  a  bad  one:  However, 
as  'tis  made  and  placed  at  the  head  of  the 
chapter,  as  much  for  use  as  ornament,  all  I 
desire  in  return,  is,  that  whenever  I  speak 
of  Mrs  Wadmans  eyes  (except  once  in  the 
next  period)  that  you  keep  it  in  your 
fancy. 

I  protest,  Madam,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  I 
can  see  nothing  whatever  in  your  eye. 

It  is  not  in  the  white;  said  Mrs  Wad- 
man:  my  uncle  Toby  look'd  with  might 
and  main  into  the  pupil 

Now   of   all   the   eyes,   which   ever   were 

created from   your  own,   Madam,   up  to 

those  of  Venus  herself,  which  certainly  were 
as  venereal  a  pair  of  eyes  as  ever  stood  in 

a  head there  never  was  an  eye  of  them 

all,  so  fitted  to  rob  my  uncle  Toby  of  his 
repose,  as   the   very   eye,  at   which   he   was 

looking it   was    not,    Madam,    a    rolling 

eye a   romping    or   a   wanton    one — nor 

was  it  an  eye  sparkling — petulant  or  impe- 
rious— of  high  claims  and  terrifying  exac- 
tions, which  would  have  curdled  at  once 
that   milk   of   human   nature,  of  which    my 

uncle    Toby  was   made  up but  'twas   an 

eye   full   of   gentle    salutations and    soft 

184 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

responses speaking not  like  the  trum- 
pet stop  of  some  ill-made  organ,  in  which 
many  an  eye  I  talk  to,  holds  coarse  con- 
verse  but  whispering  soft like  the  last 

low  accent  of  an  expiring  saint ' '  How 

can  you  live  comfortless,  captain  Shandy, 
and  alone,  without  a  bosom  to  lean  your 
head  on or  trust  your  cares  to?" 

It  was  an  eye 

But  I  shall  be  in  love  with  it  myself,  if 
I  say  another  word  about  it. 

It  did  my  uncle  Toby's  business. 


CHAPTER    XXVI. 

THERE  is  nothing  shews  the  character 
of  my  father  and  my  uncle  Toby,  in 
a  more  entertaining  light,  than   their 
different  manner  of  deportment,   under  the 
same  accident for  I   call  not  love  a  mis- 
fortune,   from    a    persuasion,    that   a   man's 

heart  is  ever  the  better  for  it Great  God ! 

what    must    my    uncle     Toby's    have    been, 
when   'twas  all  benignity  without  it. 

185 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

My  father,  as  appears  from  many  of  his 
papers,  was  very  subject  to  this  passion,  be- 
fore he  married but  from  a  little  subacid 

kind  of  drollish  impatience  in  his  nature, 
whenever  it  befell  him,  he  would  never 
submit  to  it  like  a  christian ;  but  would 
pish,  and  huff,  and  bounce,  and  kick,  and 
play  the  Devil,  and  write  the  bitterest 
Philippicks  against  the  eye  that  ever  man 
wrote there  is  one  in  verse  upon  some- 
body's eye  or  other,  that  for  two  or  three 
nights  together,  had  put  him  by  his  rest; 
which  in  his  first  transport  of  resentment 
against  it,  he  begins  thus: 

"A  Devil  'tis and  mischief  such  doth  work 

As  never  yet  did  Pagan,  Jew,  or  Turk."* 

In  short,  during  the  whole  paroxism,  my 
father  was  all  abuse  and  foul  language,  ap- 
proaching   rather     towards     malediction 

only  he  did  not  do  it  with  as  much  method 

as  Ernulphus he  was  too  impetuous;  nor 

with    Ernulphus' s     policy for    tho'     my 

father,  with  the  most  intolerant  spirit, 
would  curse  both  this  and  that,  and  every 
thing  under  heaven,    which   was   either  aid- 

*This  will  be  printed  with  my  father's  Life  of  Socrates,   &c. 
&c. 

186 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

ing    or    abetting    to  his  love yet  never 

concluded  his  chapter  of  curses  upon  it, 
without  cursing  himself  in  at  the  bargain, 
as  one  of  the  most  egregious  fools  and  cox- 
combs, he  would  say,  that  ever  was  let 
loose  in  the  world. 

My  uncle    Toby,  on  the  contrary,  took  it 

like  a  lamb sat   still  and  let  the   poison 

work  in   his   veins  without    resistance in 

the  sharpest  exacerbations  of  his  wound 
( like  that  on  his  groin )  he  never  dropt  one 

fretful   or  discontented  word he    blamed 

neither  heaven  nor  earth or  thought  or 

spoke  an  injurious  thing  of  any  body,  or 
any   part  of  it;   he  sat  solitary  and  pensive 

with    his    pipe looking    at    his  lame  leg 

then  whiffing   out    a   sentimental    heigh 

ho!  which  mixing  with  the  smoke,  incom- 
moded no  one  mortal. 

He  took  it  like  a  lamb 1   say. 

In  truth  he  had  mistook  it  at  first;  for 
having  taken  a  ride  with  my  father,  that 
very  morning,  to  save  if  possible  a  beautiful 
wood,  which  the  dean  and  chapter  were 
hewing  down  to  give  to  the    poor;  *   which 

*  Mr.  Shandy  must   mean   the  poor  in  spirit;  inasmuch  as 
they  divided  the  money  amongst  themselves. 

187 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

said  wood  being  in  full  view  of  my  uncle 
Toby's  house,  and  of  singular  service  to 
him  in  his  description  of  the  battle  of 
Wynnendale — by  trotting  on    too   hastily   to 

save  it upon   an  uneasy  saddle worse 

horse,  &c.  &c.  .  .  it  had  so  happened,  that 
the  serous  part  of  the  blood  had  got  be- 
twixt the  two  skins,  in  the  nethermost  part 

of  my  uncle  Toby the  first   shootings   of 

which  (  as  my  uncle  Toby  had  no  experience 
of  love )  he  had  taken  for  a  part  of  the 
passion — till  the  blister  breaking  in  the  one 
case — and  the  other  remaining — my  uncle 
Toby     was    presently    convinced,     that    his 

wound  was  not   a  skin-deep   wound but 

that  it  had  gone  to  his  heart. 


CHAPTER    XXVII. 

THE  world  is  ashamed  of  being  virtuous 
My    uncle    Toby    knew   little   of 

the  world;  and  therefore  when  he 
felt  he  was  in  love  with  widow  Wadman^ 
he  had   no   conception   that  the   thing    was 

188 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

any  more  to  be  made  a  mystery  of,  than  if 
Mrs  Wadman  had  given  him  a  cut  with  a 
gap'd  knife  across  his   finger:    Had   it   been 

otherwise yet    as    he    ever    look'd    upon 

Trim  as  a  humble  friend;  and  saw  fresh 
reasons    every    day    of  his  life,  to  treat  him 

as  such it  would  have  made  no  variation 

in  the  manner  in  which  he  informed  him 
of  the  affair. 

' '  I    am    in    love,     corporal !  ' '    quoth   my 
uncle  Toby. 


CHAPTER    XXVIII. 

IN  love ! said  the  corporal — your  honour 
was  very  well  the  day  before  yesterday, 
when    I    was    telling    your   honour  the 
story    of  the    King    of   Bohemia — Bohemia ! 

said    my   uncle    Toby musing    a    long 

time What  became  of  that  story,  Trim? 

— We  lost  it,  an'  please  your  honour,  some- 
how   betwixt    us — but    your    honour   was  as 

free  from  love  then,  as  I  am 'twas,  just 

whilst    thou    went'st    off   with    the    wheel- 

189 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

barrow with    Mrs     Wadman,    quoth    my 

uncle    Toby She    has   left    a   ball   here — 

added    my    uncle      Toby — pointing     to     his 

breast 

She    can    no   more,    an'    please    your 


honour,    stand    a   siege,    than    she  can  fly — 

cried  the  corporal 

But   as   we   are   neighbours,    Trim, — 


the  best  way  I  think  is  to  let  her  know  it 
civilly  first — quoth  my  uncle  Toby. 

Now  if  I  might  presume,  said  the  corporal, 
to  differ  from  your  honour 

—Why  else  do  I  talk  to  thee,  Trim  ? 
said  my  uncle  Toby,   mildly 

— Then  I  would  begin,  an'  please  your 
honour,  with  making  a  good  thundering 
attack  upon  her,  in  return — and  telling  her 
civilly  afterwards — for  if  she  knows  anything 
of  your  honour's  being  in  love,  before  hand 

L — d  help  her! — she  knows  no  more  at 

present  of  it,  Trim,  said  my  uncle  Toby — 
than  the  child  unborn 

Precious  souls! 

Mrs  Wadman  had  told  it,  with  all  its 
circumstances,  to  Mrs  Bridget  twenty-four 
hours  before;  and  was  at  that  very  moment 
sitting   in   council   with   her,    touching  some 

190 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

slight  misgivings  with  regard  to  the  issue  of 
the  affairs,  which  the  Devil,  who  never  lies 
dead  in  a  ditch,  had  put  into  her  head — 
before    he   would    allow    half  time,    to     get 

quietly  through  her  Te  Deum. 

I  am  terribly  afraid,  said  widow  Wadman, 
in  case  I  should  marry  him,  Bridget — that 
the  poor  captain  will  not  enjoy  his  health, 
with  the   monstrous   wound   upon   his  groin 


It  may  not,  Madam,  be  so  very  large, 
replied  Bridget,  as  you  think and  I  be- 
lieve besides,    added   she — that  'tis  dried  up 


1  could  like  to  know — merely  for  his 

sake,  said  Mrs   Wadman 


— We'll  know  the  long  and  the  broad  of 
it,  in  ten  days — answered  Mrs  Bridget,  for 
whilst  the  captain  is  paying  his  addresses  to 
you — I'm  confident  Mr  Trim  will  be  for 
making  love  to  me — and  I'll  let  him  as 
much  as  he  will — added  Bridget — to  get  it 
all  out  of  him 

The  measures  were  taken   at  once and 

my  uncle  Toby  and  the  corporal  went  on 
with  theirs. 

Now,  quoth  the  corporal,   setting  his  left 

191 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

hand    a-kimbo,    and    giving    such    a   flourish 
with  his  right,  as  just  promised  success — and 

no    more if  your    honour    will    give    me 

leave  to  lay  down  the  plan  of  this  attack 

Thou    wilt    please    me    by    it,    Trim, 


said  my  uncle  Toby,  exceedingly — and  as  I 
foresee  thou  must  act  in  it  as  my  aid  de 
camp,  here's  a  crown,  corporal,  to  begin 
with,  to  steep  thy  commission. 

Then,  an'  please  your  honour,  said  the 
corporal  (making  a  bow  first  for  his  com- 
mission)— we  will  begin  with  getting  your 
honour's  laced  cloaths  out  of  the  great 
campaign- trunk,  to  be  well  air'd,  and  have 
the  blue  and  gold  taken  up  at  the  sleeves 
— and  I'll  put  your  white  ramallie-wig  fresh 
into  pipes — and  send  for  a  taylor,  to  have 
your  honour's  thin  scarlet  breeches  turn'd 

I    had    better    take    the    red    plush    ones, 

quoth  my  uncle    Toby They  will  be  too 

clumsy — said  the  corporal. 


1W 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER  XXIX. 


Thou  wilt  get  a   brush    and   a    little 

chalk    to    my    sword 'Twill    be   only    in 

your  honour's  way,  replied   Trim. 


CHAPTER  XXX. 

But    your    honour's    two  razors  shall 

be  new  set — and  1  will  get  my  Montero  cap 
furbish 'd  up,  and  put  on  poor  lieutenant 
Le  Fevers  regimental  coat,  which  your 
honour  gave  me  to  wear  for  his  sake — and 
as  soon  as  your  honour  is  clean  shaved — and 
has  got  your  clean  shirt  on,  with  your  blue 

and  gold,  or  your  fine  scarlet sometimes 

one  and  sometimes  t'other — and  every  thing 
is  ready  for  the  attack — we'll  march  up 
boldly,  as  if  'twas  to  the  face  of  a  bastion; 
and  whilst  your  honour  engages  Mrs  Wad- 
man    in    the    parlour,    to    the    right I'll 

193 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

attack  Mrs  Bridget  in  the  kitchen,  to  the 
left;  and  having  seiz'd  the  pass,  I'll  answer 
for  it,  said  the  corporal,  snapping  his  fingers 
over  his  head — that  the  day  is  our  own. 

I  wish  I  may  but  manage  it  right;  said 
my  uncle  Toby — but  I  declare,  corporal,  I 
had  rather  march  up  to  the  very  edge  of  a 
trench 

— A  woman  is  quite  a  different  thing — 
said  the  corporal. 

— I  suppose  so,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby. 


CHAPTER   XXXI. 

IF  any  thing  in  this  world,  which  my 
father  said,  could  have  provoked  my 
uncle  Toby,  during  the  time  he  was  in 
love,  it  was  the  perverse  use  my  father  was 
always  making  of  an  expression  of  Hilarion 
the  hermit;  who,  in  speaking  of  his  absti- 
nence, his  watchings,  flagellations,  and  other 
instrumental  parts  of  his  religion  —  would 
say — tho'  with  more  facetiousness  than  be- 
came   an    hermit — "  That    they    were    the 

194 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

means  he  used,  to  make  his  ass  (meaning 
his  body)  leave  off  kicking." 

It    pleased    my    father   well;    it   was    not 

only  a  laconick  way  of  expressing but  of 

libelling,  at  the  same  time,  the  desires  and 
appetites  of  the  lower  part  of  us;  so  that 
for  many  years  of  my  father's  life,  'twas  his 
constant  mode  of  expression — he  never  used 
the  word  passions  once — but  ass  always  in- 
stead of  them So  that  he  might  be  said 

truly,  to  have  been  upon  the  bones,  or  the 
back  of  his  own  ass,  or  else  of  some  other 
man's,  during  that  time. 

I  must  here  observe  to  you  the  difference 
betwixt 

My  father's  ass 

and  my  hobby-horse — in  order  to 
keep  characters  as  separate  as  may  be,  in 
our  fancies   as  we  go  along. 

For  my  hobby-horse,  if  you  recollect  a 
little,  is  no  way  a  vicious  beast;  he  has 
scarce  one  hair  or  lineament  of  the  ass 
about  him 'Tis  the  sporting  little  filly- 
folly  which  carries  you  out  for  the  present 
hour — a  maggot,  a  butterfly,  a  picture,  a 
fiddlestick  —  an  uncle  Toby's  siege  —  or  an 
any  thing,  which   a   man   makes   a   shift  to 

195 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

get  a-stride  on,  to  canter  it  away  from  the 
cares  and  solicitudes  of  life — 'Tis  as  useful 
a  beast  as  is  in  the  whole  creation — nor  do 
I  really  see  how  the  world  could  do  with- 
out it 

But    for    my    father's    ass oh  ! 


mount  him  —  mount  him  —  mount  him  — 
(that's  three  times,  is  it  not?) — mount  him 
not:  —  'tis  a  beast  concupiscent — and  foul 
befal  the  man,  who  does  not  hinder  him 
from  kicking. 


CHAPTER    XXXII. 

WELL  !    dear    brother    Toby,    said    my 
father,    upon    his    first    seeing    him 
after  he  fell  in  love — and   how  goes 
it  with  your  Asse? 

Now  my  uncle  Toby  thinking  more  of 
the  part  where  he  had  had  the  blister,  than 
of  Hilarion's  metaphor — and  our  preconcep- 
tions having  (you  know)  as  great  a  power 
over  the  sounds  of  words  as  the  shapes  of 
things,   he    had    imagined,   that    my    father, 

196 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

who  was  not  very  ceremonious  in  his  choice 
of  words,  had  enquired  after  the  part  by 
its  proper  name;  so  notwithstanding  my 
mother,  doctor  Slop,  and  Mr  Yorick,  were 
sitting  in  the  parlour,  he  thought  it  rather 
civil  to  conform  to  the  term  my  father  had 
made  use  of  than  not.  When  a  man  is 
hemm'd  in  by  two  indecorums,  and  must 
commit  one  of  'em — I  always  observe — let 
him  chuse  which  he  will,  the  world  will 
blame  him — so  I  should  not  be  astonished 
if  it  blames  my  uncle  Toby. 

My  A — e,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby,  is 
much  better — brother  Shandy — My  father 
had  formed  great  expectations  from  his 
Asse  in  this  onset;  and  would  have  brought 
him  on  again;  but  doctor  Slop  setting  up 
an  intemperate  laugh — and  my  mother  cry- 
ing out  L —  bless  us! — it  drove  my  father's 
Asse  off  the  field — and  the  laugh  then  be- 
coming general — there  was  no  bringing  him 
back  to  the  charge  for  some  time 

And  so  the  discourse  went  on  without 
him. 

Every  body,  said  my  mother,  says  you 
are  in  love,  brother  Toby, — and  we  hope  it 
is  true. 

197 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

I  am  as  much  in  love,  sister,  I  believe, 
replied  my  uncle  Toby,  as  any  man  usually 

is Humph!  said  my  father and  when 

did  you  know  it?  quoth  my  mother 

When  the  blister  broke;    replied  my 


uncle  Toby. 

My    uncle    Toby's    reply    put    my    father 
into  good  temper — so  he  charg'd  o'  foot. 


CHAPTER    XXXIII. 

AS  the  ancients  agree,  brother  Toby,  said 
my  father,  that  there  are  two  different 
and  distinct  kinds  of  love,  according  to 
the  different  parts  which  are  affected  by  it — 

the  Brain  or  Liver 1  think  when  a  man 

is    in    love,  it  behoves  him  a  little  to  con- 
sider which  of  the  two  he  is  fallen  into. 

What  signifies  it,  brother  Shandy,  replied 
my  uncle  Toby,  which  of  the  two  it  is,  pro- 
vided it  will  but  make  a  man  marry,  and 
love  his  wife,  and  get  a  few  children  ? 

A  few  children!  cried  my  father,  ris- 
ing out  of  his  chair,  and  looking  full  in  my 

198 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

mother's  face,  as  he  forced  his  way  betwixt 
her's  and  doctor  Slop's  —  a  few  children  ! 
cried  my  father,  repeating  my  uncle  Toby's 

words  as  he  walk'd  to  and  fro 

Not,    my    dear    brother    Toby,    cried 


my  father,  recovering  himself  all  at  once, 
and  coming  close  up  to  the  back  of  my 
uncle  Toby's  chair — not  that  I  should  be 
sorry  hadst  thou  a  score — on  the  contrary, 
I  should  rejoice — and  be  as  kind,  Toby,  to 
every  one  of  them  as  a  father — 

My  uncle  Toby  stole  his  hand  unperceived 
behind  his  chair,  to  give  my  father's  a 
squeeze 

Nay,  moreover,  continued  he,  keeping 


hold  of  my  uncle  Toby's  hand — so  much 
dost  thou  possess,  my  dear  Toby,  of  the 
milk  of  human  nature,  and  so  little  of  its 
asperities — 'tis  piteous  the  world  is  not 
peopled  by  creatures  which  resemble  thee; 
and  was  I  an  Asiatic  monarch,  added  my 
father,  heating  himself  with  his  new  project 
— I  would  oblige  thee,  provided  it  would 
not  impair  thy  strength — or  dry  up  thy 
radical  moisture  too  fast — or  weaken  thy 
memory  or  fancy,  brother  Toby,  which  these 
gymnics   inordinately   taken  are  apt  to  do — 

199 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

else,  dear  Toby,  I  would  procure  thee  the 
most  beautiful  women  in  my  empire,  and  I 
would  oblige  thee,  nolens,  volens,  to  beget 
for  me  one  subject  every  month 

As  my  father  pronounced  the  last  word 
of  the  sentence — my  mother  took  a  pinch 
of  snuff. 

Now  I  would  not,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby, 
get  a  child,  nolens,  volens,  that  is,  whether 
I  would  or  no,  to  please  the  greatest  prince 
upon  earth 

And  'twould  be  cruel  in  me,    brother 


Toby,  to  compel  thee;  said  my  father — but 
'tis  a  case  put  to  shew  thee,  that  it  is  not 
thy  begetting  a  child — in  case  thou  should 'st 
be  able — but  the  system  of  Love  and  Mar- 
riage thou  goest  upon,  which  I  would  set 
thee  right  in 

There  is  at  least,  said  Yorick,  a  great  deal 
of  reason  and  plain  sense  in  captain  Shandy's 
opinion  of  love;  and  'tis  amongst  the  ill- 
spent  hours  of  my  life,  which  I  have  to 
answer  for,  that  I  have  read  so  many 
flourishing  poets  and  rhetoricians  in  my 
time,  from  whom  I  never  could  extract  so 
much 

I   wish,    Yorick,   said  my  father,  you  had 

MO 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

read  Plato;  for  there  you  would  have  learnt 
that  there  are  two  Loves — I  know  there 
were  two  Religions,  replied  Yorick,  amongst 

the    ancients one — for    the    vulgar,     and 

another  for  the  learned; — but  I  think  one 
Love  might  have  served  both  of  them  very 
well — 

It  could  not;  replied  my  father — and  for 
the  same  reasons :  for  of  these  Loves,  accord- 
ing to  Ficinus's  comment  upon  Velasius, 
the  one  is  rational 

the  other  is  natural 


the     first     ancient without     mother 

where  Venus  had  nothing  to  do :  the  second, 
begotten  of  Jupiter  and  Dione — 

Pray,  brother,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby, 

what  has  a  man  who  believes  in  God  to  do 
with  this?  My  father  could  not  stop  to 
answer,  for  fear  of  breaking  the  thread  of 
his  discourse 

This  latter,  continued  he,  partakes  wholly 
of  the  nature  of  Venus. 

The  first,  which  is  the  golden  chain  let 
down  from  heaven,  excites  to  love  heroic, 
which  comprehends  in  it,  and  excites  to  the 

desire  of  philosophy  and  truth the  second, 

excites  to  desire,  simply 

901 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


-I  think  the  procreation  of  children  as 


beneficial  to  the  world,  said    Yvrick,   as  the 

finding  out  the  longitude 

To    be    sure,    said    my   mother,    love 


keeps  peace  in  the  world 

In  the  house — my  dear,  I  own — 

It    replenishes    the    earth;    said    my 


mother 

But  it  keeps  heaven  empty — my  dear;  re- 
plied my  father. 

'Tis  Virginity,  cried  Slop,  triumphant- 
ly, which  fills  paradise. 

Well  push'd  nun!  quoth  my  father. 


CHAPTER    XXXIV. 

MY  father  had  such  a  skirmishing,  cut- 
ting kind  of  a  slashing  way  with 
him  in  his  disputations,  thrusting 
and  ripping,  and  giving  every  one  a  stroke 
to  remember  him  by  in  his  turn — that  if 
there  were  twenty  people  in  company — in 
less  than  half  an  hour  he  was  sure  to  have 
every  one  of  'em  against  him. 

202 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

What  did  not  a  little  contribute  to  leave 
him  thus  without  an  ally,  was,  that  if  there 
was  any  one  post  more  untenable  than  the 
rest,  he  would  be  sure  to  throw  himself 
into  it;  and  to  do  him  justice,  when  he 
was  once  there,  he  would  defend  it  so  gal- 
lantly, that  'twould  have  been  a  concern, 
either  to  a  brave  man  or  a  good-natured 
one,  to  have  seen  him  driven  out. 

Yorick,  for  this  reason,  though  he  would 
often  attack  him — yet  could  never  bear  to 
do  it  with  all  his  force. 

Doctor  Slop's  Virginity,  in  the  close  of 
the  last  chapter,  had  got  him  for  once  on 
the  right  side  of  the  rampart;  and  he  was 
beginning  to  blow  up  all  the  convents  in 
Christendom  about  Slop's  ears,  when  cor- 
poral Trim  came  into  the  parlour  to  in- 
form my  uncle  Toby,  that  his  thin  scarlet 
breeches,  in  which  the  attack  was  to  be 
made  upon  Mrs  Wadman,  would  not  do; 
for,  that  the  taylor,  in  ripping  them  up,  in 
order   to    turn    them,   had    found    they    had 

been     turn'd    before Then    turn    them 

again,  brother,  said  my  father  rapidly,  for 
there  will  be  many  a  turning  of  'em  yet 
before  all's  done  in  the  affair They  are 

203 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

as  rotten  as  dirt,  said  the  corporal Then 

by    all    means,    said    my    father,   bespeak    a 

new    pair,   brother for   though    I    know, 

continued  my  father,  turning  himself  to  the 
company,  that  widow  Wadman  has  been 
deeply  in  love  with  my  brother  Toby  for 
many  years,  and  has  used  every  art  and 
circumvention  of  woman  to  outwit  him  into 
the    same    passion,    yet    now    that    she    has 

caught  him her  fever  will   be   pass'd   its 

height 


She  has  gain'd  her  point. 

In  this  case,  continued  my  father,  which 
Plato,  I  am  persuaded,  never  thought  of 
Love,  you  see,  is  not  so  much  a  Sen- 
timent as  a  Situation,  into  which  a  man 
enters,  as   my  brother   Toby  would  do,  into 

a  corps no  matter  whether  he  loves  the 

service   or   no being  once  in   it — he   acts 

as  if  he  did;  and  takes  every  step  to  shew 
himself  a  man  of  prowesse. 

The  hypothesis,  like  the  rest  of  my 
father's,  was  plausible  enough,  and  my 
uncle  Toby  had  but  a  single  word  to 
object    to    it — in    which    Trim    stood    ready 

to    second    him but    my  father   had   not 

drawn  his  conclusion 

904 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

For  this  reason,  continued  my  father 
(stating  the  case  over  again)  —  notwith- 
standing all  the  world  knows,  that  Mrs 
Wadman  affects  my  brother  Toby — and  my 
brother  Toby  contrariwise  affects  Mrs  Wad- 
man,  and  no  obstacle  in  nature  to  forbid 
the  music  striking  up  this  very  night,  yet 
will  I  answer  for  it,  that  this  self-same  tune 
will  not  be  play'd  this  twelvemonth. 

We  have  taken  our  measures  badly,  quoth 
my  uncle  Toby,  looking  up  interrogatively  in 
Trim's  face. 

I   would  lay  my  Montero-cap,  said    Trim 

Now  Trim's  Montero-e&p,  as  I  once  told 

you,  was  his  constant  wager;  and  having  fur- 
bish'd  it  up  that  very  night,  in  order  to  go 
upon    the    attack  —  it    made   the    odds    look 

more  considerable 1  would  lay,  an'  please 

your  honour,  my  Montero-cap  to  a  shilling 
— was  it  proper,  continued  Trim  (making  a 
bow),  to  offer  a  wager  before  your  hon- 
ours  

There  is  nothing  improper  in  it,  said 

my  father — 'tis  a  mode  of  expression ;  for 
in  saying  thou  would' st  lay  thy  Montero- 
cap  to  a  shilling — all  thou  meanest  is  this — 
that  thou  believest 

906 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


-Now,  What  do'st  thou  believe? 


That  widow  Wadman,  an'  please  your 
worship,  cannot  hold  it  out  ten  days 

And  whence,  cried  Slop,  jeeringly,  hast 
thou  all  this  knowledge  of  woman,  friend  ? 

By  falling  in  love  with  a  popish  clergy- 
woman;   said   Trim. 

'Twas  a  Beguine,  said  my  uncle  Toby. 

Doctor  Slop  was  too  much  in  wrath  to 
listen  to .  the  distinction ;  and  my  father 
taking  that  very  crisis  to  fall  in  helter- 
skelter  upon  the  whole  order  of  Nuns  and 

Beguines,  a  set  of  silly,  fusty,  baggages 

Slop   could   not   stand   it and    my   uncle 

Toby  having  some  measures  to  take  about 
his  breeches — and  Yorick  about  his  fourth 
general  division — in  order  for  their  several 
attacks  next  day — the  company  broke  up: 
and  my  father  being  left  alone,  and  having 
half  an  hour  upon  his  hands  betwixt  that 
and  bed-time ;  he  called  for  pen,  ink,  and 
paper,  and  wrote  my  uncle  Toby  the  follow- 
ing letter  of  instructions: 


206 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


My  dear  brother  Toby, 

WHAT  I  am  going  to  say  to  thee  is, 
upon  the  nature  of  women,  and  of 
love-making  to  them;  and  perhaps  it 
is  as  well  for  thee — tho'  not  so  well  for  me 
— that  thou  hast  occasion  for  a  letter  of  in- 
structions upon  that  head,  and  that  I  am 
able  to  write  it  to  thee. 

Had  it  been  the  good  pleasure  of  him 
who  disposes  of  our  lots — and  thou  no  suf- 
ferer by  the  knowledge,  I  had  been  well 
content  that  thou  should 'st  have  dipp'd  the 
pen  this   moment  into   the   ink,   instead   of 

myself;  but  that  not  being  the  case 

Mrs  Shandy  being  now  close  beside  me, 
preparing  for  bed 1  have  thrown  to- 
gether without  order,  and  just  as  they  have 
come  into  my  mind,  such  hints  and  docu- 
ments as  I  deem  may  be  of  use  to  thee; 
intending,  in  this,  to  give  thee  a  token  of 
my  love;  not  doubting,  my  dear  Toby,  of 
the  manner  in  which  it  will  be  accepted. 

In    the    first    place,    with    regard    to    all 

which    concerns    religion    in    the    affair 

though    I    perceive    from    a    glow    in    my 

207 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

cheek,  that  I  blush  as  I  begin  to  speak 
to  thee  upon  the  subject,  as  well  knowing, 
notwithstanding  thy  unaffected  secrecy,  how 
few  of  its  offices  thou  neglectest — yet  I 
would  remind  thee  of  one  (during  the  con- 
tinuance of  thy  courtship)  in  a  particular 
manner,  which  I  would  not  have  omitted; 
and  that  is,  never  to  go  forth  upon  the 
enterprize,  whether  it  be  in  the  morning  or 
the  afternoon,  without  first  recommending 
thyself  to  the  protection  of  Almighty  God, 
that  he  may  defend  thee  from  the  evil 
one. 

Shave  the  whole  top  of  thy  crown  clean, 
once  at  least  every  four  or  five  days,  but 
oftner  if  convenient;  lest  in  taking  off  thy 
wig  before  her,  thro'  absence  of  mind,  she 
should   be   able   to   discover  how  much  has 

been    cut   away  by  Time how  much  by 

Trim. 

— 'Twere  better  to  keep  ideas  of  baldness 
out  of  her  fancy. 

Always  carry  it  in  thy  mind,  and  act 
upon  it  as  a  sure  maxim,  Toby 

"That  women  are  timid:"     And  'tis  well 

they  are else  there  would  be  no  dealing 

with  them. 

208 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Let  not  thy  breeches  be  too  tight,  or 
hang  too  loose  about  thy  thighs,  like  the 
trunk-hose  of  our  ancestors. 

A  just  medium  prevents  all  conclu- 
sions. 

Whatever  thou  hast  to  say,  be  it  more 
or  less,  forget  not  to  utter  it  in  a  low  soft 
tone  of  voice.  Silence,  and  whatever  ap- 
proaches it,  weaves  dreams  of  midnight 
secrecy  into  the  brain:  For  this  cause,  if 
thou  canst  help  it,  never  throw  down  the 
tongs  and  poker. 

Avoid  all  kinds  of  pleasantry  and  face- 
tiousness  in  thy  discourse  with  her,  and  do 
whatever  lies  in  thy  power  at  the  same 
time,  to  keep  from  her  all  books  and  writ- 
ings which  tend  thereto :  there  are  some 
devotional  tracts,  which  if  thou  canst  entice 
her  to  read  over — it  will  be  well:  but  suffer 
her  not  to  look  into  Rabelais,  or  Scarron, 
or  Don  Quixote 

They    are     all     books    which    excite 


laughter ;  and  thou  knowest,  dear  Toby, 
that  there  is  no  passion  so  serious  as  lust. 

Stick  a  pin  in  the  bosom  of  thy  shirt, 
before  thou  enterest  her  parlour. 

And    if   thou    art    permitted   to   sit   upon 

209 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

the  same  sopha  with  her,  and  she  gives 
thee  occasion  to  lay  thy  hand  upon  hers — 

beware  of  taking  it thou   canst  not  lay 

thy  hand  on  hers,  but  she  will  feel  the 
temper  of  thine.  Leave  that  and  as  many 
other  things  as  thou  canst,  quite  undeter- 
mined ;  by  so  doing,  thou  wilt  have  her 
curiosity  on  thy  side;  and  if  she  is  not 
conquered  by  that,  and  thy  Asse  continues 
still  kicking,  which  there  is  great  reason  to 
suppose Thou  must  begin,  with  first  los- 
ing a  few  ounces  of  blood  below  the  ears, 
according  to  the  practice  of  the  ancient 
Scythians,  who  cured  the  most  intemperate 
fits  of  the  appetite  by  that  means. 

Avicenna,  after  this,  is  for  having  the 
part  anointed   with  the   syrup  of  hellebore, 

using  proper  evacuations  and  purges and 

I  believe  rightly.     But  thou  must  eat  little 

or  no  goat's  flesh,  nor  red  deer nor  even 

foal's    flesh    by    any    means ;    and    carefully 

abstain that  is,  as   much   as  thou   canst, 

from  peacocks,  cranes,  coots,  didappers,  and 
water-hens 

As  for  thy  drink — I  need  not  tell  thee, 
it  must  be  the  infusion  of  Vervain,  and 
the   herb   Hanea,  of   which   JElian   relates 

210 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

such  effects — but  if  thy  stomach  palls  with 
it — discontinue  it  from  time  to  time,  taking 
cucumbers,  melons,  purslane,  water-lillies, 
wood -bine,  and  lettice,  in  the  stead  of 
them. 

There  is  nothing  further  for  thee,  which 
occurs  to  me  at  present 

Unless    the    breaking   out   of  a  fresh 


war So  wishing  every  thing,  dear  Toby, 

for  the  best, 

I  rest  thy  affectionate  brother, 

Walter  Shandy. 


CHAPTER  XXXV. 

WHILST  my  father  was  writing  his 
letter  of  instructions,  my  uncle  Toby 
and  the  corporal  were  busy  in  pre- 
paring every  thing  for  the  attack.  As  the 
turning  of  the  thin  scarlet  breeches  was  laid 
aside  (at  least  for  the  present),  there  was 
nothing  which  should  put  it  off  beyond  the 
next  morning;  so  accordingly  it  was  resolv'd 
upon,  for  eleven  o'clock. 

211 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Come,  my  dear,  said  my  father  to  my 
mother — 'twill  be  but  like  a  brother  and 
sister,   if  you   and   I  take  a  walk   down  to 

my   brother    Toby's to    countenance   him 

in  this  attack  of  his. 

My  uncle  Toby  and  the  corporal  had 
been  accoutred  both  some  time,  when  my 
father  and  mother  enter' d,  and  the  clock 
striking  eleven,  were  that  moment  in  mo- 
tion to  sally  forth  —  but  the  account  of 
this  is  worth  more  than  to  be  wove  into 
the  fag  end  of  the  eighth #  volume  of  such 

a  work  as  this. My  father  had  no  time 

but   to    put   the   letter  of   instructions    into 

my    uncle    Toby's   coat-pocket and   join 

with  my  mother  in  wishing  his  attack  pros- 
perous. 

I    could    like,    said    my    mother,    to    look 

through    the    key-hole    out   of  curiosity 

Call  it  by  its  right  name,  my  dear,  quoth 
my  father — 

And  look  through  the  key-hole  as  long  as 
you  will. 


•Alluding  to  the  first  edition. 
913 


THE 

LIFE    AND    OPINIONS 

OF 

TRISTRAM    SHANDY, 

GENTLEMAN. 


Si  quid  urbaniuscuU  lusum  a  nobis,  per  Musas  et  Charitas  et 
omnium  poetarum  Numina,  Oro  te,  ne  me  male  capias. 


A    DEDICATION 


TO 


A  GREAT  MAN. 

HAVING,  a  priori,  intended  to  dedicate 
The  Amours    of  my   Uncle   Toby  to 

Mr  *  *  # 1    see   more   reasons,  a 

posteriori,  for  doing  it  to  Lord  *******. 

I  should  lament  from  my  soul,  if  this 
exposed  me  to  the  jealousy  of  their  Rever- 
ences; because  a  posteriori,  in  Court- latin, 
signifies  the  kissing  hands  for  preferment — 
or  any  thing  else — in  order  to  get  it. 

My  opinion  of  Lord  *******  is  neither 
better  nor  worse,  than  it  was  of  Mr  *  *  *. 
Honours,  like  impressions  upon  coin,  may 
give  an  ideal  and  local  value  to  a  bit  of 
base  metal;  but  Gold  and  Silver  will  pass 
all  the  world  over  without  any  other  recom- 
mendation than  their  own  weight. 

217 


DEDICATION 

The  same  good-will  that  made  me  think 
of  offering  up  half  an  hour's  amusement  to 
Mr  *  *  *  when  out  of  place — operates  more 
forcibly  at  present,  as  half  an  hour's  amuse- 
ment will  be  more  serviceable  and  refresh- 
ing after  labour  and  sorrow,  than  after  a 
philosophical  repast. 

Nothing  is  so  perfectly  amusement  as  a 
total  change  of  ideas;  no  ideas  are  so  to- 
tally different  as  those  of  Ministers,  and 
innocent  Lovers:  for  which  reason,  when  I 
come  to  talk  of  Statesmen  and  Patriots, 
and  set  such  marks  upon  them  as  will 
prevent  confusion  and  mistakes  concerning 
them  for  the  future — I  propose  to  dedicate 
that  Volume  to  some  gentle  Shepherd, 

Whose  thoughts  proud  Science  never  taught  to  stray, 

Far  as  the  Statesman's  walk  or  Patriot-way; 

Yet  simple  Nature  to  his  hopes  had  given 

Out  of  a  cloud-capp'd  head  a  humbler  heaven; 

Some  untam'd  World  in  depths  of  wood  embraced — 

Some  happier  Island  in  the  watry-waste — 

And  where  admitted  to  that  equal  sky, 

His  faithful  Dog  should  bear  him  company. 

In  a  word,  by  thus  introducing  an  entire 
new  set  of   objects    to    his    Imagination,    I 

218 


DEDICATION 

shall  unavoidably  give  a  Diversion  to  his 
passionate  and  love- sick  Contemplations. 
In  the   mean  time, 

I  am 

THE  AUTHOR, 


tI9 


THE 

LIFE  AND    OPINIONS 

OF 

TRISTRAM    SHANDY,  Gent. 
BOOK  IX. 


CHAPTER  I. 

I    CALL    all    the    powers    of    time    and 
chance,   which    severally   check    us    in 
our    careers    in    this    world,    to    bear 
me    witness,    that    I    could    never    yet    get 
fairly  to   my  uncle   Toby's  amours,  till  this 
very   moment,    that   my   mother's  curiosity, 

as   she    stated    the    affair, or   a   different 

impulse    in    her,   as   my   father   would    have 

it wished   her  to   take   a   peep   at   them 

through  the  key-hole. 

391 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

"Call  it,  my  dear,  by  its  right  name, 
quoth  my  father,  and  look  through  the 
key-hole   as  long  as  you  will." 

Nothing  but  the  fermentation  of  that 
little  subacid  humour,  which  I  have  often 
spoken  of,  in  my  father's  habit,  could  have 
vented  such  an  insinuation he  was  how- 
ever frank  and  generous  in  his  nature,  and 
at  all  times  open  to  conviction;  so  that 
he  had  scarce  got  to  the  last  word  of  this 
ungracious  retort,  when  his  conscience  smote 
him. 

My  mother  was  then  conjugally  swinging 
with  her  left  arm  twisted  under  his  right, 
in  such  wise,  that  the  inside  of  her  hand 
rested  upon  the  back  of  his — she  raised  her 
fingers,   and   let   them   fall — it   could   scarce 

be   call'd    a   tap ;    or   if   it   was    a   tap 

'twould  have  puzzled  a  casuist  to  say, 
whether  'twas  a  tap  of  remonstrance,  or  a 
tap  of  confession:  my  father,  who  was  all 
sensibilities  from  head  to  foot,  class 'd  it 
right — Conscience  redoubled  her  blow — he 
turn'd  his  face  suddenly  the  other  way,  and 
my  mother  supposing  his  body  was  about 
to  turn  with  it  in  order  to  move  home- 
wards, by  a   cross   movement  of  her  right 

8S3 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

leg,  keeping  her  left  as  its  centre,  brought 
herself  so   far  in   front,  that   as   he   turned 

his   head,   he   met    her   eye Confusion 

again!  he  saw  a  thousand  reasons  to  wipe 
out  the  reproach,  and  as  many  to  reproach 

himself a  thin,  blue,  chill,  pellucid  chrys- 

tal  with  all  its  humours  so  at  rest,  the  least 
mote  or  speck  of  desire  might  have  been 
seen,   at   the   bottom  of   it,   had    it    existed 

it  did  not and  how  I  happen  to  be 

so  lewd   myself,   particularly   a  little   before 

the    vernal    and     autumnal     equinoxes 

Heaven    above    knows My    mother 

madam was    so   at   no   time,   either   by 

nature,  by  institution,  or  example. 

A  temperate  current  of  blood  ran  orderly 
through  her  veins  in  all  months  of  the  year, 
and  in  all  critical  moments  both  of  the  day 
and  night  alike;  nor  did  she  superinduce 
the  least  heat  into  her  humours  from  the 
manual  effervescencies  of  devotional  tracts, 
which  having  little  or  no  meaning  in  them, 

nature  is  oft-times  obliged  to  find  one 

And  as  for  my  father's  example!  'twas  so 
far  from  being  either  aiding  or  abetting 
thereunto,  that  'twas  the  whole  business  of 
his  life  to  keep  all  fancies  of  that  kind  out 

223 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

of  her  head Nature  had  done  her  part, 

to  have  spared  him  this  trouble;  and  what 
was    not    a    little    inconsistent,    my    father 

knew    it And    here    am    I    sitting,    this 

12th  day  of  August,  1766,  in  a  purple 
jerkin  and  yellow  pair  of  slippers,  without 
either  wig  or  cap  on,  a  most  tragicomical 
completion  of  his  prediction,  "That  I  should 
neither  think,  nor  act  like  any  other  man's 
child,  upon  that  very  account." 

The  mistake  in  my  father,  was  in  attack- 
ing my  mother's  motive,  instead  of  the  act 
itself;  for  certainly  key-holes  were  made  for 
other  purposes;  and  considering  the  act,  as 
an  act  which  interfered  with  a  true  propo- 
sition, and  denied  a  key-hole  to  be  what  it 

was it   became   a  violation   of   nature; 

and  was  so  far,  you  see,  criminal. 

It  is  for  this  reason,  an'  please  your 
Reverences,  That  key-holes  are  the  occa- 
sions of  more  sin  and  wickedness,  than  all 
other  holes  in  this  world  put  together. 

which  leads  me  to  my  uncle  Toby's 

amours. 


W4 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER   II. 

THOUGH  the  corporal  had  been  as 
good  as  his  word  in  putting  my 
uncle  Toby's  great  ramallie-wig  into 
pipes,  yet  the  time  was  too  short  to  pro- 
duce any  great  effects  from  it:  it  had  lain 
many  years  squeezed  up  in  the  corner  of 
his  old  campaign  trunk;  and  as  bad  forms 
are  not  so  easy  to  be  got  the  better  of, 
and  the  use  of  candle-ends  not  so  well 
understood,  it  was  not  so  pliable  a  busi- 
ness as  one  would  have  wished.  The  cor- 
poral with  cheary  eye  and  both  arms  ex- 
tended, had  fallen  back  perpendicular  from 
it   a  score  times,   to   inspire   it,   if  possible, 

with   a   better    air had    spleen    given    a 

look   at   it,   'twould   have   cost   her   ladyship 

a  smile it  curl'd  every  where  but  where 

the  corporal  would  have  it;  and  where  a 
buckle  or  two,  in  his  opinion,  would  have 
done  it  honour,  he  could  as  soon  have 
raised  the  dead. 

Such  it  was or  rather  such  would  it  have 

225 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

seem'd  upon  any  other  brow;  but  the  sweet 
look  of  goodness  which  sat  upon  my  uncle 
Toby's,  assimilated  every  thing  around  it  so 
sovereignly  to  itself,  and  Nature  had  more- 
over wrote  Gentleman  with  so  fair  a  hand 
in  every  line  of  his  countenance,  that  even 
his  tarnish'd  gold-laced  hat  and  huge  cock- 
ade of  flimsy  taffeta  became  him;  and 
though  not  worth  a  button  in  themselves, 
yet  the  moment  my  uncle  Toby  put  them 
on,  they  became  serious  objects,  and  alto- 
gether seem'd  to  have  been  picked  up  by 
the  hand  of  Science  to  set  him  off  to  ad- 
vantage. 

Nothing    in    this    world    could    have    co- 
operated more  powerfully  towards  this,  than 

my  uncle  Toby's  blue  and  gold had  not 

Quantity  in  some  measure  been  necessary  to 
Grace:  in  a  period  of  fifteen  or  sixteen 
years  since  they  had  been  made,  by  a  total 
inactivity  in  my  uncle  Toby's  life,  for  he 
seldom  went  further  than  the  bowling- 
green — his  blue  and  gold  had  become  so 
miserably  too  strait  for  him,  that  it  was 
with  the  utmost  difficulty  the  corporal  was 
able  to  get  him  into  them:  the  taking 
them   up   at   the   sleeves,  was  of  no   advan- 

226 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

tage. They   were    laced    however    down 

the  back,  and  at  the  seams  of  the  sides, 
&c.  in  the  mode  of  King  William's  reign; 
and  to  shorten  all  description,  they  shone 
so '  bright  against  the  sun  that  morning, 
and  had  so  metallick,  and  doughty  an  air  with 
them,  that  had  my  uncle  Toby  thought  of 
attacking  in  armour,  nothing  could  have  so 
well  imposed  upon  his  imagination. 

As  for  the  thin  scarlet  breeches,  they 
had  been  unripp'd  by  the  taylor  between 
the  legs,  and  left  at  sixes  and  sevens 

Yes,    Madam, but  let  us   govern 


our  fancies.  It  is  enough  they  were  held 
impracticable  the  night  before,  and  as 
there  was  no  alternative  in  my  uncle 
Toby's  wardrobe,  he  sallied  forth  in  the 
red  plush. 

The  corporal  had  array' d  himself  in  poor 
I^e  Fever 's  regimental  coat;  and  with  his 
hair  tuck'd  up  under  his  Montero-cap, 
which  he  had  furbish' d  up  for  the  occa- 
sion, march' d  three  paces  distant  from  his 
master:  a  whiff  of  military  pride  had  pufFd 
out  his  shirt  at  the  wrist;  and  upon  that, 
in  a  black  leather  thong  clipp'd  into  a 
tassel  beyond  the  knot,  hung  the  corporal's 

227 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

stick My   uncle    Toby  carried    his    cane 

like  a  pike. 

It    looks    well    at    least ;    quoth    my 

father  to  himself. 


CHAPTER   III. 

MY  uncle  Toby  turn'd  his  head  more 
than  once  behind  him,  to  see  how 
he  was  supported  by  the  corporal; 
and  the  corporal  as  oft  as  he  did  it,  gave 
a  slight  flourish  with  his  stick  —  but  not 
vapouringly;  and  with  the  sweetest  accent 
of  most  respectful  encouragement,  bid  his 
honour    "never  fear." 

Now  my  uncle  Toby  did  fear;  and  griev- 
ously too:  he  knew  not  (as  my  father  had 
reproach' d  him)  so  much  as  the  right  end 
of  a  Woman  from  the  wrong,  and  there- 
fore was  never  altogether  at   his   ease  near 

any   one    of   them unless    in    sorrow   or 

distress;  then  infinite  was  his  pity;  nor 
would  the  most  courteous  knight  of  ro- 
mance have  gone  further,  at  least  upon  one 
leg,  to  have  wiped  away  a  tear  from  a  wo- 
man's eye;  and  yet  excepting  once  that  he 

228 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

was  beguiled  into  it  by  Mrs  Wadman,  he 
had  never  looked  stedfastly  into  one;  and 
would  often  tell  my  father  in  the  sim- 
plicity of   his  heart,  that  it  was   almost  (if 

not  about)  as  bad  as  talking  bawdy. 

And  suppose  it  is?   my  father  would 


say. 


CHAPTER    IV. 

SHE  cannot,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby,  halting, 
when  they  had  march' d  up  to  within 
twenty  paces  of  Mrs  Wadman 's  door — 
she   cannot,    corporal,   take  it  amiss. 

She  will  take  it,  an'  please  your  hon- 
our, said  the  corporal,  just  as  the  Jew's  widow 
at  Lisbon  took  it  of  my  brother   Tom. 

And  how  was  that?  quoth  my  uncle 

Toby,  facing  quite  about  to  the  corporal. 

Your  honour,  replied  the  corporal,  knows 
of  Tom's  misfortunes;  but  this  affair  has 
nothing  to  do  with  them  any  further  than 
this,    That    if    Tom    had    not    married    the 

widow or  had  it  pleased  God  after  their 

marriage,  that  they  had  but  put  pork  into 
their   sausages,   the   honest   soul    had   never 

329 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

been    taken    out    of    his    warm    bed,    and 

dragg'd  to   the  inquisition 'Tis  a  cursed 

place — added  the  corporal,  shaking  his  head, 
— when  once  a  poor  creature  is  in,  he  is  in, 
an'  please  your  honour,  for  ever. 

'Tis  very  true ;  said  my  uncle  Toby  looking 
gravely  at  Mrs  WadmarCs  house,  as  he  spoke. 

Nothing,  continued  the  corporal,  can  be 
so  sad  as  confinement  for  life — or  so  sweet, 
an'  please  your  honour,  as  liberty. 

Nothing,    Trim said    my   uncle    Toby, 

musing 

Whilst  a  man  is  free — cried  the  corporal, 
giving  a  flourish  with  his  stick  thus 


230 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

A  thousand  of  my  father's  most  subtle 
syllogisms  could  not  have  said  more  for 
celibacy. 

My  uncle  Toby  look'd  earnestly  towards 
his  cottage  and  his  bowling-green. 

The  corporal  had  unwarily  conjured  up 
the  Spirit  of  calculation  with  his  wand; 
and  he  had  nothing  to  do,  but  to  conjure 
him  down  again  with  his  story,  and  in  this 
form  of  Exorcism,  most  un-ecclesiastically 
did  the  coporal  do  it. 


CHAPTER  V. 

AS  Tom's  place,  an'  please  your  honour, 
was  easy — and  the  weather  warm — it 
put  him  upon  thinking  seriously  of 
settling  himself  in  the  world;  and  as  it  fell 
out  about  that  time,  that  a  Jew  who  kept 
a  sausage  shop  in  the  same  street,  had  the 
ill  luck  to  die  of  a  strangury,  and  leave  his 
widow  in  possession  of  a  rousing  trade — 
Tom  thought  (as  every  body  in  Lisbon  was 
doing  the  best  he  could  devise  for  himself) 

2*1 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

there  could  be  no  harm  in  offering  her  his 
service  to  carry  it  on:  so  without  any  intro- 
duction to  the  widow,  except  that  of  buy- 
ing a  pound  of  sausages  at  her  shop — Tom 
set  out  —  counting  the  matter  thus  within 
himself,  as  he  walk'd  along;  that  let  the 
worst  come  of  it  that  could,  he  should 
at  least  get  a  pound  of  sausages  for  their 
worth — but,  if  things  went  well,  he  should 
be  set  up;  inasmuch  as  he  should  get  not 
only  a  pound  of  sausages — but  a  wife,  and 
a  sausage  shop,  an'  please  your  honour,  into 
the  bargain. 

Every  servant  in  the  family,  from  high  to 
low,  wish'd  Tom  success;  and  I  can  fancy, 
an'  please  your  honour,  I  see  him  this  mo- 
ment with  his  white  dimity  waistcoat  and 
breeches,  and  hat  a  little  o'  one  side,  pass- 
ing jollily  along  the  street,  swinging  his 
stick,  with  a  smile  and  a  chearful  word  for 

every   body   he    met : But    alas  !     Tom  / 

thou  smilest  no  more,  cried  the  corporal, 
looking  on  one  side  of  him  upon  the 
ground,  as  if  he  apostrophised  him  in  his 
dungeon. 

Poor  fellow!  said  my  uncle  Toby,  feel- 
ingly. 

232 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

He  was  an  honest,  light-hearted  lad, 
an'  please  your  honour,  as  ever  blood 
warm'd 

Then  he  resembled   thee,    Trim,   said 


my  uncle  Toby,  rapidly. 

The  corporal  blush 'd  down  to  his  fingers' 
ends  —  a  tear  of  sentimental  bashfulness — 
another  of  gratitude  to  my  uncle  Toby — 
and  a  tear  of  sorrow  for  his  brother's  mis- 
fortunes, started  into  his  eye,  and  ran 
sweetly  down  his  cheek  together;  my  uncle 
Toby's  kindled  as  one  lamp  does  at  another; 
and  taking  hold  of  the  breast  of  Trim's 
coat  (which  had  been  that  of  Le  Fever's), 
as   if   to   ease   his   lame  leg,   but   in   reality 

to  gratify  a  finer  feeling he  stood   silent 

for  a  minute  and  a  half;  at  the  end  of 
which  he  took  his  hand  away,  and  the 
corporal  making  a  bow,  went  on  with  his 
story  of  his  brother  and  the  Jew's  widow. 


2SS 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


CHAPTER   VI. 

WHEN    Tom,   an'   please    your  honour, 
got  to   the  shop,  there  was   nobody 
in  it,  but  a  poor  negro  girl,  with  a 
bunch  of  white  feathers  slightly  tied  to  the 
end  of  a  long  cane,  flapping  away  flies — not 

killing  them. 'Tis  a  pretty  picture!   said 

my   uncle    Toby — she   had   suffered   persecu- 
tion,   Trim,  and  had  learnt  mercy 

She  was  good,  an'  please  your  hon- 
our, from  nature,  as  well  as  from  hardships; 
and  there  are  circumstances  in  the  story  of 
that  poor  friendless  slut,  that  would  melt  a 
heart  of  stone,  said  Trim;  and  some  dismal 
winter's  evening,  when  your  honour  is  in 
the  humour,  they  shall  be  told  you  with 
the  rest  of  Tom's  story,  for  it  makes  a 
part  of  it 

Then  do  not  forget,  Trim,  said  my  uncle 
Toby. 

A  negro  has  a  soul?  an'  please  your  hon- 
our, said  the  corporal  (doubtingly). 

I  am  not  much  versed,  corporal,  quoth 
my  uncle  Toby,  in  things  of  that  kind;   but 

234 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

I  guppose,  God  would  not  leave  him  with- 
out one,  any  more  than  thee  or  me 

It  would   be   putting  one  sadly  over 

the  head  of  another,  quoth  the  corporal. 

It  would  so;  said  my  uncle  Toby.  Why 
then,  an'  please  your  honour,  is  a  black 
wench  to  be  used  worse  than  a  white 
one  ? 

I  can  give  no  reason,  said  my  uncle 
Toby 

Only,  cried   the   corporal,  shaking  his 

head,  because  she  has  no  one  to  stand  up 
for  her 

'Tis    that    very    thing,    Trim,    quoth 

my  uncle   Toby, which   recommends   her 

to  protection and  her  brethren  with  her; 

'tis   the  fortune  of  war   which   has   put  the 

whip  into   our  hands  now where   it  may 

be   hereafter,   heaven   knows  ! but   be   it 

where  it  will,  the  brave,  Trim!  will  not  use 
it  unkindly. 

God  forbid,  said  the  corporal. 

Amen,  responded  my  uncle  Toby,  laying 
his  hand  upon  his  heart. 

The    corporal    returned   to   his    story,   and 

went   on but  with   an   embarrassment   in 

doing   it,  which   here  and  there  a  reader  in 

235 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

this  world  will  not  be  able  to  comprehend; 
for  by  the  many  sudden  transitions  all 
along,  from  one  kind  and  cordial  passion 
to  another,  in  getting  thus  far  on  his  way, 
he  had  lost  the  sportable  key  of  his  voice, 
which  gave  sense  and  spirit  to  his  tale:  he 
attempted  twice  to  resume  it,  but  could 
not  please  himself;  so  giving  a  stout  hem! 
to  rally  back  the  retreating  spirits,  and  aid- 
ing nature  at  the  same  time  with  his  left 
arm  a-kimbo  on  one  side,  and  with  his 
right  a  little  extended,  supporting  her  on 
the  other — the  corporal  got  as  near  the 
note  as  he  could;  and  in  that  attitude, 
continued  his  story. 


CHAPTER   VII. 

AS   Tom,  an'  please  your  honour,  had  no 
business  at  that  time  with  the  Moorish 
girl,  he  passed  on  into  the  room  be- 
yond, to  talk  to  the  Jew's  widow  about  love 

and  this  pound  of  sausages;  and  being, 

as  I  have  told  your  honour,  an  open,  cheary- 

236 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

hearted  lad,  with  his  character  wrote  in  his 
looks  and  carriage,  he  took  a  chair,  and  with- 
out much  apology,  but  with  great  civility  at 
the  same  time,  placed  it  close  to  her  at  the 
table,  and  sat  down. 

There  is  nothing  so  awkward,  as  courting 
a  woman,  an'  please  your  honour,  whilst  she 
is  making  sausages So  Tom  began  a  dis- 
course   upon    them ;    first,    gravely, ' '  as 

how  they  were   made with   what  meats, 

herbs,  and  spices" — Then   a   little   gayly, — 

as,   "With  what  skins and  if  they  never 

burst Whether  the  largest  were  not  the 

best?" and   so   on — taking   care   only  as 

he  went  along,  to  season  what  he  had  to 
say  upon  sausages,  rather  under,  than  over; 
that  he  might  have  room  to  act  in 

It  was  owing  to  the  neglect  of  that  very 
precaution,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  laying  his 
hand  upon  Trim's  shoulder,  that  Count  De 
la  Motte  lost  the  battle  of  Wynendale :  he 
pressed  too  speedily  into  the  wood ;  which 
if  he  had  not  done,  Lisle  had  not  fallen 
into  our  hands,  nor  Ghent  and  Bruges, 
which  both  followed  her  example;  it  was 
so  late  in  the  year,  continued  my  uncle 
Toby,   and    so    terrible    a    season    came    on, 

237 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

that  if  things  had  not  fallen  out  as  they 
did,  our  troops  must  have  perish 'd  in  the 
open  field. 

Why,  therefore,  may  not  battles,  an' 

please  your  honour,  as  well  as  marriages, 
be  made  in  heaven  ?  —  My  uncle  Toby 
mused. 

Religion  inclined  him  to  say  one  thing, 
and  his  high  idea  of  military  skill  tempted 
him   to   say  another;    so   not  being   able   to 

frame   a  reply   exactly  to   his  mind my 

uncle  Toby  said  nothing  at  all;  and  the  cor- 
poral finished  his  story. 

As  Tom  perceived,  an'  please  your  hon- 
our, that  he  gained  ground,  and  that  all  he 
had  said  upon  the  subject  of  sausages  was 
kindly    taken,   he   went   on    to    help    her    a 

little  in   making   them. First,  by  taking 

hold  of  the  ring  of  the  sausage  whilst  she 
stroked    the    forced    meat    down    with    her 

hand then    by   cutting    the   strings   into 

proper  lengths,  and  holding  them  in  his 
hand,    whilst    she    took    them    out    one    by 

one then,   by    putting    them    across    her 

mouth,    that    she    might  take   them   out  as 

she  wanted  them and   so   on  from  little 

to   more,    till   at  last  he   adventured   to  tie 

238 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

the    sausage    himself,    whilst    she    held    the 

snout. 

Now  a  widow,   an'   please   your   hon- 


our, always  chuses  a  second  husband  as  un- 
like the  first  as  she  can:  so  the  affair  was 
more  than  half  settled  in  her  mind  before 
Tom  mentioned  it. 

She    made   a  feint   however  of  defending 

herself,    by    snatching    up    a    sausage : 

Tom  instantly  laid  hold  of  another 

But  seeing  Tom's  had  more  gristle  in 
it 

She  signed   the   capitulation and   Tom 

sealed  it;  and  there  was  an  end  of  the 
matter. 


CHAPTER    VIII. 

ALL  womankind,  continued  Trim,  (com- 
menting upon  his  story)  from  the 
highest  to  the  lowest,  an'  please 
your  honour,  love  jokes ;  the  difficulty  is 
to  know  how  they  chuse  to  have  them  cut; 
and  there  is  no  knowing  that,  but  by  try- 
ing, as  we  do  with  our  artillery  in  the  field, 

239 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

by   raising   or  letting   down   their   breeches, 

till  we  hit  the  mark. 

1  like  the  comparison,  said  my  uncle 


Toby,  better  than  the  thing  itself- 


-Because  your  honour,  quoth  the  cor- 
poral, loves  glory,  more  than  pleasure. 

I  hope,  Trim,  answered  my  uncle  Toby, 
I  love  mankind  more  than  either;  and  as 
the  knowledge  of  arms  tends  so  apparently 

to    the    good    and    quiet   of    the    world 

and  particularly  that  branch  of  it  which  we 
have  practised  together  in  our  bowling- 
green,  has  no  object  but  to  shorten  the 
strides  of  Ambition,  and  intrench  the  lives 
and  fortunes  of  the  few,  from  the  plunder- 

ings   of  the   many whenever   that   drum 

beats  in  our  ears,  1  trust,  corporal,  we 
shall  neither  of  us  want  so  much  humanity 
and  fellow-feeling,  as  to  face  about  and 
march. 

In  pronouncing  this,  my  uncle  Toby  faced 
about,  and  march 'd  firmly  as  at  the  head  of 

his    company and   the   faithful   corporal, 

shouldering  his  stick,  and  striking  his  hand 
upon  his  coat-skirt  as  he  took  his  first  step 

march 'd    close    behind    him    down    the 

avenue. 

240 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


-Now  what  can  their  two  noddles  be 


about?   cried   my  father  to  my  mother - 

by  all  that's  strange,  they  are  besieging 
Mrs  Wadman  in  form,  and  are  marching 
round  her  house  to  mark  out  the  lines  of 
circumvallation. 

I  dare  say,  quoth  my  mother But 

stop,  dear  Sir for  what  my  mother  dared 

to   say  upon  the  occasion and  what  my 

father  did  say   upon  it with   her  replies 

and  his  rejoinders,  shall  be  read,  perused, 
paraphrased,  commented,  and  descanted  upon 
— or  to  say  it  all  in  a  word,  shall  be  thumb 'd 

over  by  Posterity  in  a  chapter  apart 1  say, 

by  Posterity — and  care  not,  if  I  repeat  the 
word  again  —  for  what  has  this  book  done 
more  than  the  Legation  of  Moses,  or  the 
Tale  of  a  Tub,  that  it  may  not  swim  down 
the  gutter  of  Time  along  with  them? 

I  will  not  argue  the  matter:  Time  wastes 
too  fast:  every  letter  I  trace  tells  me  with 
what  rapidity  Life  follows  my  pen ;  the 
days  and  hours  of  it,  more  precious,  my 
dear  Jenny !  than  the  rubies  about  thy 
neck,  are  flying  over  our  heads  like  light 
clouds  of  a  windy  day,  never  to  return 
more every  thing    presses   on whilst 

241 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

thou    art    twisting    that    lock, see  !    it 

grows  grey;  and  every  time  I  kiss  thy 
hand  to  bid  adieu,  and  every  absence  which 
follows  it,  are  preludes  to  that  eternal  sepa- 
ration which  we  are  shortly  to  make. 

Heaven  have  mercy  upon  us  both! 


N 


CHAPTER    IX. 

OW,    for    what    the    world    thinks    of 

that   ejaculation 1  would   not  give 

a  groat. 


CHAPTER   X. 

MY  mother  had  gone  with  her  left  arm 
twisted  in  my  father's  right,  till  they 
had  got  to  the  fatal  angle  of  the  old 
garden  wall,  where   Doctor  Slop   was   over- 
thrown  by  Obadiah  on  the   coach-horse:    as 
this   was    directly   opposite    to   the  front   of 

242 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Mrs  Wadman's  house,  when  my  father  came 
to  it,  he  gave  a  look  across;  and  seeing  my 
uncle    Toby    and    the    corporal    within    ten 

paces  of  the  door,  he  turn'd  about "Let 

us  just  stop  a  moment,  quoth  my  father, 
and  see  with  what  ceremonies  my  brother 
Toby   and    his    man    Trim   make   their   first 

entry it    will    not    detain    us,   added    my 

father,  a   single   minute:" No   matter,  if 

it  be  ten  minutes,  quoth  my  mother. 

It  will   not  detain   us   half  one;    said 

my  father. 

The  corporal  was  just  then  setting  in 
with  the  story  of  his  brother  Tom  and  the 
Jew's  widow:    the    story  went  on — and   on 

it  had   episodes   in   it it  came  back, 

and   went   on and   on   again;    there   was 

no   end   of   it the   reader   found   it   very 

long 

G —   help  my  father!   he  pish'd  fifty 

times  at  every  new  attitude,  and  gave  the 
corporal's  stick,  with  all  its  flourishings  and 
danglings,  to  as  many  devils  as  chose  to 
accept  of  them. 

When  issues  of  events  like  these  my 
father  is  waiting  for,  are  hanging  in  the 
scales  of  fate,  the  mind   has   the   advantage 

243 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

of  changing  the  principle  of  expectation 
three  times,  without  which  it  would  not 
have  power  to  see  it  out. 

Curiosity  governs  the  first  moment;  and 
the  second  moment  is  all  ceconomy  to  jus- 
tify the  expence  of  the  first and  for  the 

third,  fourth,  fifth,  and  sixth  moments,  and 
so  on  to  the  day  of  judgment — 'tis  a  point 
of  Honour. 

I  need  not  be  told,  that  the  ethic  writers 
have  assigned  this  all  to  Patience;  but  that 
Virtue,  methinks,  has  extent  of  dominion 
sufficient  of  her  own,  and  enough  to  do 
in  it,  without  invading  the  few  dismantled 
castles  which  Honour  has  left  him  upon 
the  earth. 

My  father  stood  it  out  as  well  as  he 
could  with  these  three  auxiliaries  to  the 
end  of  Trim's  story;  and  from  thence  to 
the  end  of  my  uncle  Toby's  panegyrick 
upon  arms,  in  the  chapter  following  it; 
when  seeing,  that  instead  of  marching  up 
to  Mrs  Wadmarfs  door,  they  both  faced 
about  and  march' d  down  the  avenue  dia- 
metrically opposite  to  his  expectation  —  he 
broke  out  at  once  with  that  little  subacid 
soreness  of  humour  which,  in  certain  situa- 

244 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

tions,  distinguished   his   character  from  that 
of  all  other  men. 


CHAPTER   XL 

OW  what  can  their  two  noddles 
be  about  ? ' '  cried   my  father  -  - 

&c. 

I    dare    say,    said    my    mother,    they   are 

making   fortifications 

Not    on    Mrs    Wadmari's   premises! 


N' 


cried  my  father,  stepping  back 

I  suppose  not:  quoth  my  mother. 

I  wish,  said  my  father,  raising  his  voice, 
the  whole  science  of  fortification  at  the  devil, 
with  all  its  trumpery  of  saps,  mines,  blinds, 
gabions,  fausse-brays  and  cuvetts 

They   are   foolish   things said    my 

mother. 

Now  she  had  a  way,  which,  by  the  bye, 
I  would  this  moment  give  away  my  purple 
jerkin,  and  my  yellow  slippers  into  the  bar- 
gain, if  some  of  your  reverences  would  im- 
itate—  and    that    was,    never   to    refuse    her 

245 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

assent  and  consent  to  any  proposition  my 
father  laid  before  her,  merely  because  she 
did  not  understand  it,  or  had  no  ideas  of 
the  principal  word  or  term  of  art,  upon 
which  the  tenet  or  proposition  rolled.  She 
contented  herself  with  doing  all  that  her 
godfathers  and  godmothers  promised  for  her 
— but  no  more;  and  so  would  go  on  using 
a  hard  word  twenty  years  together — and 
replying  to  it  too,  if  it  was  a  verb,  in  all 
its  moods  and  tenses,  without  giving  her- 
self any  trouble  to   enquire   about  it. 

This  was  an  eternal  source  of  misery  to 
my  father,  and  broke  the  neck,  at  the  first 
setting  out,  of  more  good  dialogues  be- 
tween   them,    than    could    have    done    the 

most     petulant     contradiction the     few 

which  survived  were  the  better  for  the 
cuvetts 

—  "They  are  foolish  things;"  said  my 
mother. 

Particularly   the   cuvetts;    replied   my 

father. 

'Tis  enough  —  he  tasted  the  sweet  of 
triumph — and   went   on. 

— Not  that  they  are,  properly  speaking, 
Mrs    Wadman's    premises,    said    my    father, 

246 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

partly    correcting    himself — because    she    is 

but  tenant  for  life 

That   makes   a   great   difference — said 


my  mother 

— In  a  fool's  head,  replied  my  father 

Unless  she  should  happen  to  have  a  child 
— said  my  mother 

But   she    must    persuade    my   brother 

Toby  first  to  get  her  one — 

To    be    sure,    Mr  Shandy,   quoth    my 

mother. 

Though   if    it   comes   to   persuasion — 

said  my  father  —  Lord  have  mercy  upon 
them. 

Amen:   said  my   mother,  piano. 

Amen:   cried  my   father,  fortissime. 

Amen:   said  my  mother  again but  with 

such  a  sighing  cadence  of  personal  pity  at 
the  end  of  it,  as  discomfited  every  fibre 
about  my  father — he  instantly  took  out  his 
almanack;  but  before  he  could  untie  it, 
Yorick's  congregation  coming  out  of  church, 
became  a  full  answer  to  one-half  of  his  bus- 
iness with  it — and  my  mother  telling  him  it 
was  a  sacrament  day — left  him  as  little  in 
doubt,  as  to  the  other  part — He  put  his 
almanack  into  his   pocket. 

247 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

The  first  Lord  of  the  Treasury  thinking 
of  ways  and  means,  could  not  have  returned 
home,  with  a  more  embarrassed  look. 


CHAPTER    XII. 

UPON  looking  back  from  the  end  of  the 
last  chapter,  and  surveying  the  texture 
of  what  has  been  wrote,  it  is  neces- 
sary, that  upon  this  page  and  the  three  fol- 
lowing, a  good  quantity  of  heterogeneous 
matter  be  inserted,  to  keep  up  that  just 
balance  betwixt  wisdom  and  folly,  without 
which  a  book  would  not  hold  together  a 
single  year :  nor  is  it  a  poor  creeping 
digression  (which  but  for  the  name  of,  a 
man  might  continue  as  well  going  on  in 
the  king's  highway)  which  will  do  the  busi- 
ness  no;    if  it   is   to   be   a  digression,  it 

must  be  a  good  frisky  one,  and  upon  a 
frisky  subject  too,  where  neither  the  horse 
or  his  rider  are  to  be  caught,  but  by  re- 
bound. 

The  only  difficulty,  is  raising  powers  suit- 

248 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

able  to  the  nature  of  the  service:  Fancy 
is  capricious — Wit  must  be  searched  for — 
and  Pleasantry  (good-natured  slut  as  she 
is)  will  not  come  in  at  a  call,  was  an  empire 
to  be  laid  at  her  feet. 

The   best   way  for   a   man,   is   to   say 


his  prayers 

Only  if  it  puts  him  in  mind  of  his  infirm- 
ities and  defects  as  well  ghostly  as  bodily — 
for  that  purpose,  he  will  find  himself  rather 
worse  after  he  has  said  them  than  before — 
for  other  purposes,  better. 

For  my  own  part,  there  is  not  a  way 
either  moral  or  mechanical  under  heaven 
that  I  could  think  of,  which  I  have  not 
taken  with  myself  in  this  case:  sometimes 
by  addressing  myself  directly  to  the  soul 
herself,  and  arguing  the  point  over  and  over 
again  with  her  upon  the  extent  of  her  own 
faculties 

1    never    could    make    them    an   inch 

the  wider 


Then  by  changing  my  system,  and  trying 
what  could  be  made  of  it  upon  the  body, 
by  temperance,  soberness,  and  chastity  : 
These  are  good,  quoth  I,  in  themselves — 
they  are   good,  absolutely; — they  are   good, 

249 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

relatively; — they  are  good  for  health — they 
are  good  for  happiness  in  this  world — they 
are  good  for  happiness  in  the  next 

In  short,  they  were  good  for  every  thing 
but  the  thing  wanted;  and  there  they  were 
good  for  nothing,  but  to  leave  the  soul  just 
as  heaven  made  it:  as  for  the  theological 
virtues  of  faith  and  hope,  they  give  it 
courage;  but  then  that  snivelling  virtue  of 
Meekness  (as  my  father  would  always  call 
it)  takes  it  quite  away  again,  so  you  are 
exactly  where   you   started. 

Now  in  all  common  and  ordinary  cases, 
there  is  nothing  which  I  have  found  to 
answer  so   well   as   this 

Certainly,  if  there  is  any  dependence 

upon  Logic,  and  that  I  am  not  blinded  by 
self-love,  there  must  be  something  of  true 
genius  about  me,  merely  upon  this  symp- 
tom of  it,  that  I  do  not  know  what  envy 
is:  for  never  do  I  hit  upon  any  invention 
or  device  which  tendeth  to  the  furtherance 
of  good  writing,  but  I  instantly  make  it 
public ;  willing  that  all  mankind  should 
write   as   well   as   myself. 

Which  they  certainly  will,  when  they 

think  as  little. 

250 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XIII. 

NOW  in  ordinary  cases,  that  is,  when  I 
am  only  stupid,  and  the  thoughts  rise 
heavily    and    pass    gummous    through 

my  pen 

Or  that  I  am  got,  I  know  not  how, 
into  a  cold  unmetaphorical  vein  of  infa- 
mous writing,  and  cannot  take  a  plumb- 
lift  out  of  it  for  my  soul;  so  must  be 
obliged  to  go  on  writing  like  a  Dutch 
commentator    to    the    end   of   the    chapter, 

unless   something   be   done 

1    never    stand    conferring    with    pen 

and  ink  one  moment;  for  if  a  pinch  of 
snuff,  or  a  stride  or  two  across  the  room 
will  not  do  the  business  for  me — I  take  a 
razor  at  once;  and  having  tried  the  edge  of 
it  upon  the  palm  of  my  hand,  without  fur- 
ther ceremony,  except  that  of  first  lathering 
my  beard,  I  shave  it  off;  taking  care  only 
if  I  do  leave  a  hair,  that  it  be  not  a  grey 
one:  this  done,  I  change  my  shirt — put  on 
a  better  coat — send  for  my  last  wig — put 

251 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

my  topaz  ring  upon  my  finger;  and  in  a 
word,  dress  myself  from  one  end  to  the 
other  of  me,  after  my  best  fashion. 

Now  the  devil  in  hell  must  be  in  it,  if 
this  does  not  do:  for  consider,  Sir,  as  every 
man  chuses  to  be  present  at  the  shaving  of 
his  own  beard  (though  there  is  no  rule  with- 
out an  exception),  and  unavoidably  sits  over- 
against  himself  the  whole  time  it  is  doing, 
in  case  he  has  a  hand  in  it — the  Situation, 
like  all  others,  has  notions  of  her  own  to 
put  into  the  brain. 

1  maintain  it,  the  conceits  of  a  rough- 


bearded  man,  are  seven  years  more  terse  and 
juvenile  for  one  single  operation;  and  if  they 
did  not  run  a  risk  of  being  quite  shaved 
away,  might  be  carried  up  by  continual 
shavings,  to  the  highest  pitch  of  sublimity 
— How  Homer  could  write  with  so  long  a 

beard,   I   don't   know and   as    it   makes 

against   my  hypothesis,   I   as   little   care 

But  let  us  return  to  the  Toilet. 

Ludovicus  Sorbonensis  makes  this  entirely 
an  affair  of  the  body  (e|«oTe^/c^  irpafc)  as  he 

calls  it but  he  is  deceived:  the  soul  and 

body  are  joint-sharers  in  every  thing  they 
get:   A  man  cannot  dress,  but  his  ideas  get 

252 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

cloath'd  at  the  same  time;  and  if  he  dresses 
like  a  gentleman,  every  one  of  them  stands 
presented  to  his  imagination,  genteelized 
along  with  him  —  so  that  he  has  nothing 
to  do,  but  take  his  pen,  and  write  like 
himself. 

For  this  cause,  when  your  honours  and 
reverences  would  know  whether  I  writ  clean 
and  fit  to  be  read,  you  will  be  able  to 
judge  full  as  well  by  looking  into  my 
Laundress's  bill,  as  my  book:  there  was 
one  single  month  in  which  I  can  make  it 
appear,  that  I  dirtied  one  and  thirty  shirts 
with  clean  writing;  and  after  all,  was  more 
abus'd,  cursed,  criticis'd,  and  confounded, 
and  had  more  mystic  heads  shaken  at  me, 
for  what  I  had  wrote  in  that  one  month, 
than  in  all  the  other  months  of  that  year 
put  together. 

But  their  honours  and  reverences  had 
not  seen   my  bills. 


853 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XIV. 

AS  I  never  had  any  intention  of  begin- 
ning the  Digression,  I  am  making  all 
this  preparation  for,  till  I  come  to  the 

15th  chapter 1  have  this  chapter  to  put 

to  whatever  use   I   think   proper 1   have 

twenty  this  moment  ready  for  it 1  could 

write  my  chapter  of  Button- holes  in  it 

Or  my  chapter  of  Pishes,  which  should 
follow  them 

Or   my  chapter   of  Knots,    in    case   their 

reverences    have    done    with    them they 

might  lead  me  into  mischief:  the  safest 
way  is  to  follow  the  track  of  the  learned, 
and  raise  objections  against  what  I  have 
been  writing,  tho'  I  declare  beforehand,  I 
know  no  more  than  my  heels  how  to  an- 
swer them. 

And  first,  it  may  be  said,  there  is  a  pelt- 
ing kind  of  thersitical  satire,  as  black  as  the 

very    ink    'tis   wrote    with (and    by   the 

bye,   whoever   says   so,   is   indebted   to   the 

S54> 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

muster- master  general  of  the  Grecian  army, 
for  suffering  the  name  of  so  ugly  and  foul- 
mouth 'd    a    man    as    Ther sites   to    continue 

upon   his   roll for   it   has    furnish'd    him 

with  an  epithet) in  these  productions  he 

will  urge,  all  the  personal  washings  and 
scrubbings   upon   earth  do   a   sinking   genius 

no   sort   of   good but  just  the   contrary, 

inasmuch  as  the  dirtier  the  fellow  is,  the 
better  generally  he   succeeds  in  it. 

To  this,  I  have  no  other  answer — at  least 

ready but  that  the  Archbishop  of  Bene- 

vento  wrote  his  nasty  Romance  of  the  Gala- 
tea, as  all  the  world  knows,  in  a  purple  coat, 
waistcoat,  and  purple  pair  of  breeches;  and 
that  the  penance  set  him  of  writing  a  com- 
mentary upon  the  book  of  the  Revelations, 
as  severe  as  it  was  look'd  upon  by  one  part 
of  the  world,  was  far  from  being  deem'd 
so,  by  the  other,  upon  the  single  account  of 
that  Investment. 

Another  objection,  to  all  this  remedy,  is 
its  want  of  universality;  forasmuch  as  the 
shaving  part  of  it,  upon  which  so  much 
stress  is  laid,  by  an  unalterable  law  of  na- 
ture excludes  one-half  of  the  species  entirely 
from  its  use:   all   I  can  say  is,  that  female 

155 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

writers,  whether  of  England,  or  of  France, 

must  e'en  go  without  it 

As  for  the  Spanish  ladies 1  am  in  no 

sort  of  distress 


CHAPTER    XV. 

THE   fifteenth   chapter  is   come  at  last; 
and  brings  nothing  with  it  but  a  sad 
signature  of  ' '  How  our  pleasures  slip 
from  under  us  in  this  world!" 

For  in  talking  of  my  digression 1  de- 
clare before  heaven  I  have  made  it!  What 
a  strange  creature  is  mortal  man!  said  she. 

'Tis  very  true,  said  I but  'twere  better 

to  get  all  these  things  out  of  our  heads,  and 
return  to  my  uncle  Toby. 


*«e 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XVI. 

WHEN    my   uncle    Toby  and    the    cor- 
poral had  marched  down  to  the  bot- 
tom of  the  avenue,  they  recollected 
their   business   lay   the   other   way;    so   they 
faced    about    and    marched    up    straight    to 
Mrs   Wadman's  door. 

I  warrant  your  honour;  said  the  corporal, 
touching  his  3£onte?~o-c&p  with  his  hand,  as 
he  passed  him  in  order  to  give  a  knock  at 

the  door My  uncle  Toby,  contrary  to  his 

invariable  way  of  treating  his  faithful  ser- 
vant, said  nothing  good  or  bad :  the  truth 
was,  he  had  not  altogether  marshal'd  his 
ideas;  he  wish'd  for  another  conference,  and 
as  the  corporal  was  mounting  up  the  three 
steps  before  the  door — he  hem'd  twice — a 
portion  of  my  uncle  Toby's  most  modest 
spirits  fled,  at  each  expulsion,  towards  the 
corporal;  he  stood  with  the  rapper  of  the 
door  suspended  for  a  full  minute  in  his 
hand,  he  scarce  knew  why.  Bridget  stood 
perdue  within,  with  her  finger  and  her  thumb 

257 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

upon  the  latch,  benumb'd  with  expectation; 
and  Mrs  JVadman,  with  an  eye  ready  to  be 
deflowered  again,  sat  breathless  behind  the 
window- curtain  of  her  bed-chamber,  watch- 
ing their  approach. 

Trim!  said  my  uncle    Toby but  as  he 

articulated  the  word,  the  minute  expired, 
and    Trim  let  fall  the  rapper. 

My  uncle  Toby  perceiving  that  all  hopes 
of  a  conference  were  knock' d  on  the  head 
by  it whistled  Lillabullero. 


CHAPTER    XVII. 

AS  Mrs  Bridget's  finger  and  thumb  were 
upon  the  latch,  the  corporal  did  not 
knock  as  oft  as   perchance  your  hon- 
our's taylor 1  might  have  taken  my  ex- 
ample   something   nearer   home ;    for   I   owe 
mine,  some  five  and  twenty  pounds  at  least, 

and  wonder  at  the  man's  patience 

But    this    is    nothing    at    all    to    the 

world:    only   'tis    a    cursed    thing    to    be    in 
debt;    and   there   seems   to   be   a   fatality  in 

258 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

the  exchequers  of  some  poor  princes,  par- 
ticularly those  of  our  house,  which  no 
Economy  can  bind  down  in  irons :  for  my 
own  part,  I'm  persuaded  there  is  not  any 
one  prince,  prelate,  pope,  or  potentate,  great 
or  small  upon  earth,  more  desirous  in  his 
heart    of    keeping    straight    with    the    world 

than    I    am or    who    takes    more    likely 

means   for   it.      I   never    give    above    half    a 

guinea or  walk  with  boots or  cheapen 

tooth-picks or  lay  out  a  shilling  upon  a 

band-box  the  year  round;  and  for  the  six 
months  I'm  in  the  country,  I'm  upon  so 
small  a  scale,  that  with  all  the  good  tem- 
per in  the  world,   I   outdo  Rousseau,  a  bar 

length for  I  keep  neither  man  or  boy, 

or  horse,  or  cow,  or  dog,  or  cat,  or  any 
thing  that  can  eat  or  drink,  except  a  thin 
poor  piece  of  a  Vestal  (to  keep  my  fire  in), 
and   who  has   generally  as    bad    an    appetite 

as  myself but  if  you  think  this  makes  a 

philosopher  of  me 1  would  not,  my  good 

people!  give  a  rush  for  your  judgments. 

True  philosophy but  there  is  no  treat- 
ing the  subject  whilst  my  uncle  is  whistling 
Lillabullero. 

Let  us  go  into  the  house. 

M9 


THE   LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 


f60 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


MY    UNCLE    TOBY'S    WHISTLE, 

LILLIBULLERO. 

The  Ballad  t  to  this  tune  was  written  in  the  year  1686, 
on  account  of  King  James  II.  nominating  to  the  Lieutenancy 
of  Ireland  General  Talbot,  newly  created  Earl  of  Tyrconnel,  a 
furious  Papist,  who  had  recommended  himself  to  his  bigotted 
master  by  his  arbitrary  treatment  of  the  Protestants  in  the 
preceding  year,  when  only  Lieutenant  General;  and  whose 
subsequent  conduct  fully  justified  his  expectations  and  their 
fears. 

This  foolish  Ballad,  treating  the  Papists,  and  chiefly  the 
Irish,  in  a  very  ridiculous  manner,  had  a  burden,  said  to  be 
Irish  words,  "  Lero,  lero,  lillibullero; "  and  made  an  impres- 
sion on  the  (King's)  army,  more  powerful  than  either  the 
philippics  of  Demosthenes  or  Cicero.  The  whole  army,  and 
at  last  the  people,  both  in  city  and  country,  were  singing  it 
perpetually.  Perhaps  never  had  so  slight  a  thing  so  great  an 
effect;  for  it  contributed  not  a  little  towards  the  Revolution  in 
1688.§ 

LILLIBULLERO  and  BULLEN-A-LAH,  are  said  to  have 
been  the  watch-words  used  among  the  Irish  Papists,  in  their 
massacre  of  the  Protestants  in  1641. 


X  See   Percy's    Reliques   of  Ancient   English  Poetry,  Vol.  II, 
page  358. 

§  See    Bishop    Burnet's    History    of    His    Own    Times;    and 
King's   State  of  the   Protestants    in    Ireland,   1691,  4to. 

^61 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XVIII. 


96t 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XIX. 


863 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


CHAPTER  XX. 


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You  shall  see  the  very  place,  Madam; 

said  my  uncle  Toby. 

Mrs    Wadman   blush'd look'd    towards 

the   door turn'd   pale blush'd   slightly 

again recover'd    her    natural    colour 

blush'd    worse    than    ever ;     which,    for    the 
sake    of    the    unlearned    reader,    I    translate 

thus 

"  L — d!   I  cannot  look  at  it 

What   would  the  world  say  if  I  looked 

at  it? 
I  should  drop  down,  if  I  looked  at  it — 

/  wish  I  could  look  at  it 

There  can  be  no  sin  in  looking  at  it. 

J  will  look  at  it." 

Whilst  all  this  was  running  through  Mrs 

264 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Wadman's  imagination,  my  uncle  Toby  had 
risen  from  the  sopha,  and  got  to  the  other 
side  of  the  parlour  door,  to  give  Trim  an 
order  about  it  in  the  passage 

-jrf-  -M-  -M-  jt.  jl  4|r  -U»  ^-  -^ 

TV  Tv*  IT  Tt"  Tv*  *7v"  TV  tv  Tv* 

# 1   believe  it  is  in  the  garret,  said 


my  uncle  Toby 1  saw  it  there,  an'  please 

your   honour,  this   morning,   answered    Trim 

Then  prithee,  step  directly  for  it,  Trim, 

said  my  uncle  Toby,  and  bring  it  into  the 
parlour. 

The  corporal  did  not  approve  of  the 
orders,  but  most  chearfully  obeyed  them. 
The  first  was  not  an  act  of  his  will — the 
second  was;  so  he  put  on  his  Montero-c&p, 
and  went  as  fast  as  his  lame  knee  would 
let  him.  My  uncle  Toby  returned  into  the 
parlour,  and  sat  himself  down  again  upon 
the  sopha. 

You    shall    lay  your   finger   upon   the 

place — said    my   uncle    Toby. 1   will   not 

touch  it,  however,  quoth  Mrs  Wadvian  to 
herself. 

This  requires  a  second  translation :  —  it 
shews  what  little  knowledge  is  got  by 
mere  words  —  we  must  go  up  to  the  first 
springs. 

265 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

Now  in  order  to  clear  up  the  mist  which 
hangs  upon  these  three  pages,  I  must  en- 
deavour to  be  as  clear  as  possible  myself. 

Rub  your  hands  thrice  across  your  fore- 
heads —  blow     your     noses  —  cleanse     your 

emunctories — sneeze,   my   good   people! 

God  bless  you 

Now  give  me  all  the  help  you  can. 


CHAPTER    XXI. 

AS  there  are  fifty  different  ends  (count- 
ing all  ends  in as  well  civil  as  re- 
ligious) for  which  a  woman  takes  a 
husband,  she  first  sets  about  and  carefully 
weighs,  then  separates  and  distinguishes  in 
her  mind,  which  of  all  that  number  of 
ends,  is  hers:  then  by  discourse,  enquiry, 
argumentation,  and  inference,  she  investi- 
gates   and    finds    out   whether    she   has  got 

hold  of  the  right  one and  if  she  has 

then,  by  pulling  it  gently  this  way  and  that 
way,  she  further  forms  a  judgment,  whether 
it  will  not  break  in  the  drawing. 

The   imagery  under  which  Slawkenbergius 

266 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

impresses  this  upon  the  reader's  fancy,  in 
the  beginning  of  his  third  Decad,  is  so 
ludicrous,  that   the   honour  I    bear  the   sex, 

will  not  suffer  me  to  quote  it otherwise 

it  is  not  destitute  of  humour. 

"She  first,  saith  Slawkenbergius,  stops  the 
asse,  and  holding  his  halter  in  her  left  hand 
(lest  he  should  get  away)  she  thrusts  her 
right  hand  into  the  very  bottom  of  his  pan- 
nier to  search  for  it — For  what? — you'll  not 
know  the  sooner,  quoth  Slawkenbergius,  for 
interrupting  me 

1 '  I  have  nothing,  good  Lady,  but  empty 
bottles;"  says  the  asse. 

"I'm  loaded  with  tripes;"  says  the  sec- 
ond. 

And  thou  art  little  better,  quoth  she 

to  the  third;  for  nothing  is  there  in  thy 
panniers  but  trunk- hose  and  pantofles — and 
so  to  the  fourth  and  fifth,  going  on  one  by 
one  through  the  whole  string,  till  coming  to 
the  asse  which  carries  it,  she  turns  the  pan- 
nier upside  down,  looks  at  it — considers  it — 
samples  it — measures  it — stretches  it — wets 
it — dries  it — then  takes  her  teeth  both  to 
the  warp  and  weft  of  it 

Of  what?  for  the  love  of  Christ! 

267 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

I  am  determined,  answered  Slawkenbergius, 
that  all  the  powers  upon  earth  shall  never 
wring  that  secret  from  my  breast. 


CHAPTER    XXII. 

WE   live   in   a  world  beset  on  all  sides 
with    mysteries     and     riddles  —  and 

so    'tis    no    matter else   it   seems 

strange,  that  Nature,  who  makes  every 
thing  so  well  to  answer  its  destination, 
and  seldom  or  never  errs,  unless  for  pas- 
time, in  giving  such  forms  and  aptitudes 
to  whatever  passes  through  her  hands,  that 
whether  she  designs  for  the  plough,  the 
caravan,  the  cart — or  whatever  other  creat- 
ure she  models,  be  it  but  an  asse's  foal, 
you  are  sure  to  have  the  thing  you  wanted; 
and  yet  at  the  same  time  should  so  eter- 
nally bungle  it  as  she  does,  in  making  so 
simple  a  thing  as  a  married  man. 

Whether  it  is   in   the   choice  of  the   clay 

or   that   it   is   frequently  spoiled   in   the 

baking;    by    an   excess   of  which   a   husband 

268 


OF  TRISTRAM  SHANDY 

may    turn    out   too    crusty   (you   know)    on 

one    hand or    not    enough    so,    through 

defect  of  heat,  on  the  other or  whether 

this  great  Artificer  is  not  so  attentive  to 
the  little  Platonic  exigences  of  that  part 
of  the  species,  for  whose  use  she  is  fabri- 
cating this or  that  her  Ladyship  some- 
times scarce  knows  what  sort  of  a  husband 

will   do 1   know  not:   we   will   discourse 

about  it  after  supper. 

It  is  enough,  that  neither  the  observation 
itself,  or  the  reasoning  upon  it,  are  at  all  to 

the  purpose but  rather  against  it;    since 

with  regard  to  my  uncle  Toby's  fitness  for 
the  marriage  state,  nothing  was  ever  better: 
she  had  formed  him  of  the  best  and  kind- 
liest clay had  temper' d  it  with   her  own 

milk,    and    breathed    into    it    the    sweetest 

spirit she    had    made    him    all    gentle, 

generous,  and  humane she  had  filled  his 

heart  with  trust  and  confidence,  and  dis- 
posed every  passage  which  led  to  it,  for 
the   communication   of  the   tenderest   offices 

she  had  moreover  considered  the  other 

causes  for  which  matrimony  was  ordained 

And   accordingly     *         *         *         *         * 


269 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


The  donation  was  not  defeated  by  my 
uncle  Toby's  wound. 

Now  this  last  article  was  somewhat  apocry- 
phal; and  the  Devil,  who  is  the  great  dis- 
turber of  our  faiths  in  this  world,  had  raised 
scruples  in  Mrs  Wadmarfs  brain  about  it; 
and  like  a  true  devil  as  he  was,  had  done 
his  own  work  at  the  same  time,  by  turn- 
ing my  uncle  Toby's  Virtue  thereupon  into 
nothing  but  empty  bottles,  tripes,  trunk-hose, 
and  pantofles. 


CHAPTER   XXIII. 

MRS  Bridget  had  pawn'd  all  the  little 
stock  of  honour  a  poor  chambermaid 
was  worth  in  the  world,  that  she 
would  get  to  the  bottom  of  the  affair  in 
ten  days;  and  it  was  built  upon  one  of  the 
most  concessible  postulata  in  nature:  name- 
ly, that  whilst  my  uncle  Toby  was  making 
love  to  her  mistress,  the  corporal  could  find 

270 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

nothing    better    to    do,    than    make    love   to 

her "And  I'll  let   him   as   much   as   he 

will,  said  Bridget,  to  get  it  out  of  him.'" 

Friendship  has  two  garments;  an  outer, 
and  an  under  one.  Bridget  was  serving 
her  mistress's  interests  in  the  one  —  and 
doing  the  thing  which  most  pleased  her- 
self in  the  other;  so  had  as  many  stakes 
depending    upon    my    uncle    Toby's    wound, 

as   the   Devil   himself Mrs    Wadman   had 

but  one — and  as  it  possibly  might  be  her 
last  (without  discouraging  Mrs  Bridget,  or 
discrediting  her  talents)  was  determined  to 
play  her  cards  herself. 

She   wanted   not   encouragement:    a   child 

might  have   look'd   into   his   hand there 

was   such   a   plainness   and   simplicity  in   his 

playing   out   what   trumps    he    had with 

such  an  unmistrusting  ignorance  of  the  ten- 
ace and  so  naked  and  defenceless  did  he 

sit  upon  the  same  sopha  with  widow  Wad- 
man,  that  a  generous  heart  would  have  wept 
to  have  won  the  game  of  him. 

Let  us  drop  the  metaphor. 


271 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


A 


CHAPTER    XXIV. 

ND  the  story  too — if  you  please: 
for  though  I  have  all  along  been 
hastening  towards  this  part  of  it, 
with  so  much  earnest  desire,  as  well  know- 
ing it  to  be  the  choicest  morsel  of  what  I 
had  to  offer  to  the  world,  yet  now  that  I 
am  got  to  it,  any  one  is  welcome  to  take 
my  pen,  and  go  on  with  the  story  for  me 
that  will — I  see  the  difficulties  of  the  de- 
scriptions I'm  going  to  give — and  feel  my 
want  of  powers. 

It  is  one  comfort  at  least  to  me,  that 
I  lost  some  fourscore  ounces  of  blood  this 
week  in  a  most  uncritical  fever  which  at- 
tacked me  at  the  beginning  of  this  chapter; 
so  that  I  have  still  some  hopes  remaining, 
it  may  be  more  in  the  serous  or  globular 
parts  of  the  blood,  than  in  the  subtile  aura 

of   the    brain be    it  which    it   will  —  an 

Invocation   can  do  no  hurt and   I  leave 

the  affair  entirely  to  the  invoked,  to  inspire 
or  to  inject  me  according  as  he  sees  good, 

272 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


THE   INVOCATION. 

GENTLE    Spirit    of    sweetest    humour, 
who   erst   did  sit  upon   the   easy   pen 
of    my    beloved     Cervantes  ;     Thou 
who     glided' st    daily    through     his     lattice, 
and    turned 'st    the    twilight    of    his    prison 
into    noon- day    brightness    by    thy    presence 

tinged 'st    his    little    urn    of   water    with 

heaven-sent  nectar,  and  all  the  time  he 
wrote  of  Sancho  and  his  master,  didst  cast 
thy  mystic  mantle  o'er  his  wither' d  stump,* 
and  wide  extended  it  to  all  the  evils  of  his 

life 

Turn   in   hither,  I   beseech  thee! 


behold    these    breeches ! they   are    all    I 

have  in  the  world that  piteous  rent  was 

given  them  at  Lyons 

My  shirts!  see  what  a  deadly  schism  has 
happen 'd  amongst  'em — for  the  laps  are  in 
Lombardy,  and  the  rest  of  'em  here  —  I 
never  had  but  six,  and  a  cunning  gypsey 
of  a  laundress  at  Milan  cut  me  off  the  fore- 

*  He  lost  bis  hand  at  the  battle  uf  Lepanto. 

-2Vi 


THE   LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

laps  of  five  —  To  do  her  justice,  she  did  it 
with  some  consideration — for  I  was  return- 
ing out  of  Italy. 

And  yet,  notwithstanding  all  this,  and  a 
pistol  tinder-box  which  was  moreover  filch'd 
from  me  at  Sienna,  and  twice  that  I  pay'd 
five  Pauls  for  two  hard  eggs,  once  at  Rad- 
dicoffini,  and  a  second  time  at  Capua — I  do 
not  think  a  journey  through  France  and 
Italy,  provided  a  man  keeps  his  temper  all 
the  way,  so  bad  a  thing  as  some  people 
would  make  you  believe:  there  must  be 
ups  and  downs,  or  how  the  duce  should  we 
get  into  vallies  where  Nature  spreads  so 
many  tables  of  entertainment.  —  'Tis  non- 
sense to  imagine  they  will  lend  you  their 
voitures  to  be  shaken  to  pieces  for  noth- 
ing; and  unless  you  pay  twelve  sous  for 
greasing  your  wheels,  how  should  the  poor 
peasant  get  butter  to  his  bread? — We  really 
expect  too  much — and  for  the  livre  or  two 
above  par  for  your  suppers  and  bed — at  the 
most  they  are  but  one  shilling  and  nine- 
pence  halfpenny who  would  embroil  their 

philosophy  for  it?  for  heaven's  and  for  your 

own  sake,  pay  it pay  it  with  both  hands 

open,  rather  than   leave  Disappointment  sit- 

274 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

ting  drooping  upon  the  eye  of  your  fair 
Hostess   and  her  Damsels  in  the  gate-way, 

at  your  departure and   besides,    my  dear 

Sir,  you  get  a  sisterly  kiss  of  each  of  'em 
worth  a  pound at  least  I  did 

For  my  uncle  Toby's  amours  running 

all  the  way  in  my  head,  they  had  the  same 
effect    upon    me    as    if   they   had    been   my 

own 1  was  in  the  most  perfect  state  of 

bounty  and  good-will;  and  felt  the  kindliest 
harmony  vibrating  within  me,  with  every 
oscillation  of  the  chaise  alike;  so  that 
whether  the  roads  were  rough  or  smooth, 
it  made  no  difference;  every  thing  I  saw 
or  had  to  do  with,  touch' d  upon  some 
secret  spring  either  of  sentiment  or  rap- 
ture. 

They  were  the  sweetest  notes  I  ever 

heard;  and  I  instantly  let  down  the  fore- 
glass   to   hear   them   more  distinctly 'Tis 

Maria;  said  the  postillion,  observing  I  was 

listening Poor    Maria,    continued    he 

(leaning  his  body  on  one  side  to  let  me  see 
her,  for  he  was  in  a  line  betwixt  us),  is  sit- 
ting upon  a  bank  playing  her  vespers  upon 
her  pipe,  with  her  little  goat  beside  her. 

The    young    fellow    utter'd    this    with    an 

275 


THE   LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

accent  and  a  look  so  perfectly  in  tune  to  a 
feeling  heart,  that  I  instantly  made  a  vow, 
I    would   give   him   a   four -and -twenty  sous 

piece,  when  I  got  to  Moulins 

And  who  is  poor  Maria  ?  said  I. 


The    love    and    piety   of   all    the    villages 

around    us;    said   the   postillion it   is   but 

three  years  ago,  that  the  sun  did  not  shine 
upon  so  fair,  so  quick-witted  and  amiable  a 
maid;  and  better  fate  did  Maria  deserve, 
than  to  have  her  Banns  forbid,  by  the  in- 
trigues of  the  curate  of  the  parish  who  pub- 
lished them 

He  was  going  on,  when  Maria,  who  had 
made    a    short    pause,    put    the    pipe   to    her 

mouth,    and    began    the    air    again they 

were  the  same  notes; yet  were  ten  times 

sweeter:      It   is   the   evening   service   to   the 

Virgin,  said  the  young  man but  who  has 

taught  her  to  play  it — or  how  she  came  by 
her  pipe,  no  one  knows ;  we  think  that 
heaven  has  assisted  her  in  both ;  for  ever 
since   she  has   been   unsettled   in   her  mind, 

it    seems    her    only    consolation she    has 

never  once  had  the  pipe  out  of  her  hand, 
but  plays  that  service  upon  it  almost  night 
and  day. 

276 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

The  postillion  delivered  this  with  so  much 
discretion  and  natural  eloquence,  that  I  could 
not  help  decyphering  something  in  his  face 
above  his  condition,  and  should  have  sifted 
out  his  history,  had  not  poor  Maria  taken 
such  full  possession  of  me. 

We  had  got  up  by  this  time  almost  to 
the  bank  where  Maria  was  sitting:  she  was 
in  a  thin  white  jacket,  with  her  hair,  all 
but  two  tresses,  drawn  up  into  a  silk-net, 
with  a  few  olive  leaves  twisted  a  little  fan- 
tastically on  one  side she  was  beautiful; 

and  if  ever  I  felt  the  full  force  of  an 
honest  heart- ache,  it  was  the  moment  I 
saw  her 

God    help   her  !    poor   damsel  !    above 


a  hundred  masses,  said  the  postillion,  have 
been  said  in  the  several  parish  churches  and 

convents    around,    for   her, but    without 

effect;  we  have  still  hopes,  as  she  is  sensi- 
ble for  short  intervals,  that  the  Virgin  at 
last  will  restore  her  to  herself;  but  her 
parents,  who  know  her  best,  are  hopeless 
upon  that  score,  and  think  her  senses  are 
lost  for  ever. 

As  the  postillion  spoke  this,  Maria  made 
a    cadence    so    melancholy,    so    tender    and 

277 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

querulous,  that  I  sprung  out  of  the  chaise 
to  help  her,  and  found  myself  sitting  be- 
twixt her  and  her  goat  before  I  relapsed 
from  my  enthusiasm. 

Maria  look'd  wistfully  for  some  time  at 

me,  and   then   at   her  goat and  then   at 

me and   then   at  her  goat  again,  and   so 

on,    alternately 

Well,  Maria,  said   I   softly What 


resemblance  do  you  find  ? 

I  do  entreat  the  candid  reader  to  believe 
me,  that  it  was  from  the  humblest  convic- 
tion  of  what    a   Beast   man    is, that   I 

asked  the  question;  and  that  I  would  not 
have  let  fallen  an  unseasonable  pleasantry 
in  the  venerable  presence  of  Misery,  to  be 
entitled   to    all    the   wit   that   ever  Rabelais 

scatter' d and  yet  I  own  my  heart  smote 

me,  and  that  I  so  smarted  at  the  very  idea 
of  it,  that  I  swore  I  would  set  up  for  Wis- 
dom, and  utter  grave  sentences  the  rest  of 

my    days and    never never    attempt 

again  to  commit  mirth  with  man,  woman, 
or  child,  the  longest  day  I  had  to  live. 

As    for    writing    nonsense   to    them 1 

believe,  there  was  a  reserve  —  but  that  I 
leave  to   the  world. 

278 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Adieu,  Maria! — adieu,  poor  hapless  dam- 
sel ! some  time,  but  not  now,  I  may- 
hear    thy    sorrows    from    thy   own    lips 

but  I  was  deceived;  for  that  moment  she 
took  her  pipe  and  told  me  such  a  tale  of 
woe  with  it,  that  I  rose  up,  and  with 
broken  and  irregular  steps  walk'd  softly  to 
my  chaise. 

What  an  excellent  inn  at  Moulins! 


CHAPTER    XXV. 

WHEN  we  have  got  to  the  end  of  this 
chapter  (but  not  before)  we  must  all 
turn  back  to  the  two  blank  chapters, 
on  the  account  of  which  my  honour  has  lain 

bleeding    this    half   hour 1    stop    it,    by 

pulling  off  one  of  my  yellow  slippers  and 
throwing  it  with  all  my  violence  to  the 
opposite  side  of  my  room,  with  a  declara- 
tion at  the  heel  of  it 

That    whatever    resemblance    it    may 


bear  to   half   the    chapters   which   are   writ- 
ten   in    the    world,    or    for    aught    I    know, 


279 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

may  be  now  writing  in  it — that  it  was  as 
casual  as  the  foam  of  Zeuocis  his  horse: 
besides,  I  look  upon  a  chapter  which  has, 
only  nothing  in  it,  with  respect;  and  con- 
sidering what  worse  things  there  are  in  the 
world That  it  is  no  way  a  proper  sub- 
ject for  satire 

Why  then  was  it  left  so?     And  here 


without  staying  for  my  reply,  shall  I  be 
called  as  many  blockheads,  numsculs,  dod- 
dypoles,  dunderheads,  ninnyhammers,  goose- 
caps,  joltheads,  nincompoops,    and    sh  -  -  t-a- 

beds and  other  unsavoury  appellations,  as 

ever  the   cake-bakers   of  Lerne  cast   in  the 

teeth  of  King  Garangantari 's  shepherds 

And  I'll  let  them  do  it,  as  Bridget  said, 
as  much  as  they  please;  for  how  was  it 
possible  they  should  foresee  the  necessity  I 
was  under  of  writing  the  25th  chapter  of 
my  book,  before  the   18th,  &c.  ? 

So   I  don't  take  it  amiss All   I 

wish  is,  that  it  may  be  a  lesson  to  the 
world,  "to  let  people  tell  their  stories  their 
own  way." 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


THE     EIGHTEENTH    CHAPTER. 

AS  Mrs  Bridget  opened  the  door  before 
the  corporal  had  well  given  the  rap, 
the  interval  betwixt  that  and  my 
uncle  Toby's  introduction  into  the  parlour, 
was  so  short,  that  Mrs  Wadman  had  but 
just  time  to  get  from  behind  the  curtain 
lay  a  Bible  upon  the  table,  and  ad- 
vance a  step  or  two  towards  the  door  to 
receive  him. 

My  uncle  Toby  saluted  Mrs  Wadman, 
after  the  manner  in  which  women  were 
saluted  by  men  in  the  year  of  our  Lord 
God  one  thousand  seven  hundred  and  thir- 
teen  then   facing   about,   he    march 'd   up 

abreast  with  her  to  the  sopha,  and  in  three 

plain   words though   not   before    he   was 

sat   down nor    after    he    was    sat    down 

but    as    he    was    sitting    down,    told 

her,   "he  was  in  love" so  that  my  uncle 

Toby  strained  himself  more  in  the  declara- 
tion than  he  needed. 

Mrs     Wadman     naturally     looked     down, 

281 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

upon  a  slit  she  had  been  darning  up  in 
her  apron,  in  expectation  every  moment, 
that  my  uncle  Toby  would  go  on;  but 
having  no  talents  for  amplification,  and 
Love  moreover  of  all  others  being  a  sub- 
ject of  which  he  was  the  least  a  master 

When  he  had  told  Mrs  Wadman  once  that 
he  loved  her,  he  let  it  alone,  and  left  the 
matter  to  work  after  its  own  way. 

My  father  was  always  in  raptures  with 
this  system  of  my  uncle  Toby's,  as  he 
falsely  called  it,  and  would  often  say,  that 
could   his  brother  Toby  to  his  process  have 

added    but    a    pipe    of    tobacco he    had 

wherewithal  to  have  found  his  way,  if  there 
was  faith  in  a  Spanish  proverb,  towards  the 
hearts  of  half  the  women  upon  the  globe. 

My  uncle  Toby  never  understood  what 
my  father  meant;  nor  will  I  presume  to 
extract  more  from  it,  than  a  condemnation 
of    an    error   which   the   bulk   of    the   world 

lie   under but   the  French,  every  one   of 

'em  to  a  man,  who  believe  in  it,  almost  as 
much  as  the  real  presence,  ' '  That  talking 
of  love,  is  making  it." 

1  would  as  soon  set  about  making 

a  black-pudding  by  the  same  receipt. 

282 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Let  us  go  on:  Mrs  Wad  man  sat  in  ex- 
pectation my  uncle  Toby  would  do  so,  to 
almost  the  first  pulsation  of  that  minute, 
wherein  silence  on  one  side  or  the  other, 
generally  becomes  indecent:  so  edging  her- 
self a   little   more   towards  him,  and  raising 

up  her  eyes,  sub-blushing,  as  she  did  it 

she  took  up  the  gauntlet or  the  discourse 

(if  you  like  it  better)  and  communed  with 
my  uncle   Toby,  thus. 

The  cares  and  disquietudes  of  the  mar- 
riage state,  quoth  Mrs  Wadman,  are  very 
great.  I  suppose  so — said  my  uncle  Toby: 
and  therefore  when  a  person,  continued  Mrs 
Wadman,  is  so  much  at  his  ease  as  you 
are — so  happy,  captain  Shandy,  in  yourself, 
your  friends  and  your  amusements — I  won- 
der, what  reasons  can  incline  you  to  the 
state 

They    are    written,    quoth    my    uncle 

Toby,  in   the   Common-Prayer   Book. 

Thus  far  my  uncle  Toby  went  on  warily, 
and  kept  within  his  depth,  leaving  Mrs 
Wadman  to  sail  upon  the  gulph  as  she 
pleased. 

As  for  children — said  Mrs  Wadman — 

though  a  principal  end  perhaps  of  the  insti- 
ls 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

tution,  and  the  natural  wish,  I  suppose,  of 
every  parent — yet  do  not  we  all  find,  they 
are  certain  sorrows,  and  very  uncertain  com- 
forts? and  what  is  there,  dear  sir,  to  pay 
one  for  the  heart-achs — what  compensation 
for  the  many  tender  and  disquieting  appre- 
hensions of  a  suffering  and  defenceless  mother 
who  brings  them  into  life?  I  declare,  said 
my  uncle  Toby,  smit  with  pity,  I  know  of 
none;  unless  it  be  the  pleasure  which  it  has 

pleased  God 

A  fiddlestick!  quoth  she. 


CHAPTER    THE    NINETEENTH. 

NOW  there  are  such  an  infinitude  of 
notes,  tunes,  cants,  chants,  airs,  looks, 
and  accents  with  which  the  word  fid- 
dlestick may  be  pronounced  in  all  such  causes 
as  this,  every  one  of  'em  impressing  a  sense 
and  meaning  as  different  from  the  other,  as 
dirt  from  cleanliness — That  Casuists  (for  it  is 
an  affair  of  conscience  on  that  score)  reckon 

284 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

up  no  less  than  fourteen  thousand  in  which 
you  may  do  either  right  or  wrong. 

Mrs  Wadman  hit  upon  the  fiddlestick, 
which  summoned  up  all  my  uncle  Toby's 
modest  blood  into  his  cheeks  —  so  feeling 
within  himself  that  he  had  somehow  or 
other  got  beyond  his  depth,  he  stopt  short; 
and  without  entering  further  either  into  the 
pains  or  pleasures  of  matrimony,  he  laid  his 
hand  upon  his  heart,  and  made  an  offer  to 
take  them  as  they  were,  and  share  them 
along  with  her. 

When  my  uncle  Toby  had  said  this,  he 
did  not  care  to  say  it  again;  so  casting  his 
eye  upon  the  Bible  which  Mrs  Wadman 
had  laid  upon  the  table,  he  took  it  up; 
and  popping,  dear  soul !  upon  a  passage  in 
it,  of  all  others  the  most  interesting  to 
him — which  was  the  siege  of  Jericho  —  he 
set  himself  to  read  it  over  —  leaving  his 
proposal  of  marriage,  as  he  had  done  his 
declaration  of  love,  to  work  with  her  after 
its  own  way.  Now  it  wrought  neither  as 
an  astringent  or  a  loosener;  nor  like  opium, 
or  bark,  or  mercury,  or  buckthorn,  or  any 
one  drug  which  nature  had  bestowed  upon 
the  world — in   short,  it  work'd  not  at  all  in 

285 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

her;  and  the  cause  of  that  was,  that  there 

was    something    working    there    before 

Babbler  that  I  am !  I  have  anticipated 
what  it  was  a  dozen  times;  but  there  is 
fire  still  in  the  subject allons. 


CHAPTER    XXVI. 

IT  is  natural  for  a  perfect  stranger  who 
is  going  from  London  to  Edinburgh,  to 
enquire  before  he  sets  out,  how  many 
miles  to  York;  which  is  about  the  half  way 

nor  does   any  body  wonder,  if  he  goes 

on  and  asks  about  the  corporation,  &c.  -  - 

It  was  just  as  natural  for  Mrs  Wadman, 
whose  first  husband  was  all  his  time  afflicted 
with  a  Sciatica,  to  wish  to  know  how  far 
from  the  hip  to  the  groin;  and  how  far  she 
was  likely  to  suffer  more  or  less  in  her  feel- 
ings, in  the  one  case  than  in  the  other. 

She  had  accordingly  read  Drake's  anato- 
my from  one  end  to  the  other.  She  had 
peeped   into    Wharton  upon  the  brain,  and 

£86 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

borrowed  *  Graaf  upon  the  bones  and 
muscles;   but   could   make  nothing  of  it. 

She  had  reason 'd  likewise  from   her   own 

powers laid    down    theorems drawn 

consequences,  and  come  to  no  conclusion. 

To  clear  up  all,  she  had  twice  asked 
Doctor  Slop,  ' '  if  poor  captain  Shandy  was 
ever  likely  to  recover  of  his  wound ?" 

He  is  recovered,  Doctor  Slop  would 

say 


What!    quite? 

Quite :   madam 

But  what  do  you  mean  by  a  recovery? 
Mrs    Wadman  would  say. 

Doctor  Slop  was  the  worst  man  alive  at 
definitions;  and  so  Mrs  Wadman  could  get 
no  knowledge:  in  short,  there  was  no  way 
to  extract  it,  but  from  my  uncle  Toby 
himself. 

There  is  an  accent  of  humanity  in  an  en- 
quiry of  this  kind  which  lulls  Suspicion  to 
rest and  I  am  half  persuaded  the  ser- 
pent got  pretty  near  it,  in  his  discourse 
with  Eve;  for  the  propensity  in  the  sex  to 
be  deceived  could  not  be  so  great,  that  she 

*This   must  be  a  mistake  in  Mr  Shandy;  for   Graaf  wrote 
upon  the  pancreatick  juice,  and  the  parts  of  generation. 

287 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

should  have  boldness  to  hold  chat  with  the 

devil,  without  it But  there   is   an   accent 

of  humanity how  shall   I   describe  it? — 

'tis  an  accent  which  covers  the  part  with 
a  garment,  and  gives  the  enquirer  a  right 
to  be  as  particular  with  it,  as  your  body- 
surgeon. 

" Was  it  without  remission? — 

' ' Was  it  more  tolerable  in  bed  ? 

" Could    he    lie    on    both   sides    alike 

with  it? 

" — Was  he  able  to  mount  a  horse? 

" — Was  motion  bad  for  it?"  et  ccetera, 
were  so  tenderly  spoke  to,  and  so  directed 
towards  my  uncle  Toby's  heart,  that  every 
item  of  them  sunk  ten  times  deeper  into  it 

than  the  evils  themselves but  when  Mrs 

Wadman  went  round  about  by  Namur  to 
get  at  my  uncle  Toby's  groin;  and  engaged 
him  to  attack  the  point  of  the  advanced 
counterscarp,  and  pele  mele  with  the  Dutch 
to  take  the  counterguard  of  St  Rock  sword 
in  hand — and  then  with  tender  notes  play- 
ing upon  his  ear,  led  him  all  bleeding  by 
the  hand  out  of  the  trench,  wiping  her  eye, 

as   he  was   carried   to   his   tent Heaven! 

Earth!    Sea! — all  was  lifted  up — the  springs 

288 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

of  nature  rose  above  their  levels — an  angel 
of  mercy  sat  besides  him  on  the  sopha — his 
heart  glow'd  with  fire — and  had  he  been 
worth  a  thousand,  he  had  lost  every  heart 
of  them  to  Mrs  Wadman. 

— And  whereabouts,  dear  Sir,  quoth  Mrs 
Wadman,  a  little  categorically,  did  you  re- 
ceive this  sad  blow? In  asking  this  ques- 
tion, Mrs  Wadman  gave  a  slight  glance  to- 
wards the  waistband  of  my  uncle  Toby's  red 
plush  breeches,  expecting  naturally,  as  the 
shortest   reply   to    it,    that    my   uncle   Toby 

would   lay  his  forefinger  upon  the  place 

It  fell  out  otherwise for  my  uncle  Toby 

having  got  his  wound  before  the  gate  of 
St  Nicolas,  in  one  of  the  traverses  of  the 
trench,  opposite  to  the  salient  angle  of  the 
demibastion  of  St  Rock;  he  could  at  any 
time  stick  a  pin  upon  the  identical  spot  of 
ground  where  he  was  standing  when  the 
stone  struck  him:  this  struck  instantly  upon 

my  uncle  Toby's  sensorium and  with  it, 

struck  his  large  map  of  the  town  and  cita- 
del of  Namur  and  its  environs,  which  he 
had  purchased  and  pasted  down  upon  a 
board,  by  the  corporal's  aid,  during  his  long 
illness it    had    lain    with    other    military 

2H9 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

lumber  in  the  garret  ever  since,  and  accord- 
ingly the  corporal  was  detached  into  the 
garret  to  fetch  it. 

My  uncle  Toby  measured  off  thirty  toises, 
with  Mrs  Wadman's  scissars,  from  the  re- 
turning angle  before  the  gate  of  St  Nicolas; 
and  with  such  a  virgin  modesty  laid  her 
finger  upon  the  place,  that  the  goddess  of 
Decency,  if  then  in  being — if  not,  'twas  her 
shade, — shook  her  head,  and  with  a  finger 
wavering  across  her  eyes  —  forbid  her  to 
explain  the  mistake. 

Unhappy  Mrs  Wadmant 

For   nothing   can   make   this  chapter 

go    off    with    spirit    but    an    apostrophe    to 

thee but    my    heart    tells    me,    that    in 

such  a  crisis  an  apostrophe  is  but  an  insult 
in  disguise,  and  ere  I  would  offer  one  to  a 
woman  in  distress  —  let  the  chapter  go  to 
the  devil;  provided  any  damn'd  critic  in 
keeping  will  be  but  at  the  trouble  to  take 
it  with  him. 


290 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


M 


CHAPTER    XXVII. 

Y  uncle    Toby's  Map  is   carried   down 
into  the  kitchen. 


A 


CHAPTER   XXVIII. 

ND    here    is    the   Maes —  and   this 
is  the  Sambre;  said   the   corporal, 
pointing  with  his  right  hand   ex- 
tended   a    little    towards    the    map   and    his 

left    upon    Mrs   Bridget's    shoulder but 

not  the  shoulder  next  him — and  this,  said 
he,  is  the  town  of  Namur — and  this  the 
citadel — and  there  lay  the  French — and  here 

lay   his   honour   and   myself and   in   this 

cursed  trench,  Mrs  Bridget,  quoth  the  cor- 
poral, taking  her  by  the  hand,  did  he  re- 
ceive   the    wound    which    crush' d    him    so 

miserably    here In    pronouncing    which, 

he    slightly   press' d    the    back   of   her   hand 

291 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

towards   the   part  he   felt    for and   let  it 

fall. 

We  thought,  Mr  Trim,  it  had  been  more 
in  the  middle said  Mrs  Bridget 

That  would  have  undone  us  for  ever — 
said  the  corporal. 

And    left    my   poor    mistress    undone 

too,   said  Bridget. 

The  corporal  made  no  reply  to  the  re- 
partee, but  by  giving  Mrs  Bridget  a  kiss. 

Come — come — said  Bridget — holding  the 
palm  of  her  left  hand  parallel  to  the  plane 
of  the  horizon,  and  sliding  the  fingers  of 
the  other  over  it,  in  a  way  which  could 
not    have    been    done,    had    there    been    the 

least    wart    or    protuberance 'Tis    every 

syllable  of  it  false,  cried  the  corporal,  be- 
fore she  had  half  finished  the  sentence 

— I  know  it  to  be  fact,  said  Bridget, 
from   credible  witnesses. 

Upon  my  honour,  said  the  corporal, 

laying  his  hand  upon  his  heart,  and  blush- 
ing, as  he  spoke,  with  honest  resentment — 
'tis   a   story,    Mrs  Bridget,   as    false    as    hell 

Not,    said    Bridget,    interrupting    him, 

that  either  I  or  my  mistress  care  a  half- 
penny about  it,  whether  'tis  so  or  no 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

only  that  when  one  is   married,  one   would 
chuse    to    have    such    a    thing    by    one    at 

least 

It  was  somewhat  unfortunate  for  Mrs 
Bridget,  that  she  had  begun  the  attack 
with  her  manual  exercise;  for  the  corpo- 
ral   instantly       #*=#=#*# 

*-!£-  -V-  JJ,  Jfc,  Jf.  -V-  JA.  4/, 

TT  TV  *7v"  TV*  TV*  TV*  TV*  TV" 

*4f-  4fe  -if-  -it-  -if-  4f-  4fr  -if- 

T«*  TV"  TV*  TV*  TV"  TV*  TV*  TT 


CHAPTER    XXIX. 

IT  was  like  the  momentary  contest  in  the 
moist   eye -lids    of    an    April   morning, 
"  Whether    Bridget    should     laugh    or 
cry. 

She   snatched    up   a    rolling-pin 'twas 

ten   to   one,  she   had   laugh' d 

She  laid  it  down she  cried ;    and  had 

one  single  tear  of  'em  but  tasted  of  bit- 
terness, full  sorrowful  would  the  corporal's 
heart  have  been  that  he  had  used  the  argu- 
ment; but  the  corporal  understood  the  sex, 
a  quart  major  to  a  terce  at  least,  better  than 

293 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

my  uncle  Toby,  and  accordingly  he  assailed 
Mrs  Bridget  after  this  manner. 

I  know,  Mrs  Bridget,  said  the  corporal, 
giving  her  a  most  respectful  kiss,  that  thou 
art  good  and  modest  by  nature,  and  art 
withal  so  generous  a  girl  in  thyself,  that, 
if  I  know  thee  rightly,  thou  would' st  not 
wound  an  insect,  much  less  the  honour  of 
so  gallant  and  worthy  a  soul  as  my  mas- 
ter, wast  thou  sure  to  be  made  a  countess 
of but  thou  hast  been  set  on,  and  de- 
luded, dear  Bridget,  as  is  often  a  woman's 
case,  "to  please  others  more  than  them- 
selves  " 

Bridget's  eyes  poured  down  at  the  sensa- 
tions the  corporal  excited. 

Tell   me tell   me   then,   my  dear 

Bridget,  continued  the  corporal,  taking  hold 
of  her  hand,  which  hung  down  dead  by  her 

side, and  giving  a  second  kiss whose 

suspicion  has  misled  thee? 

Bridget    sobb'd    a    sob    or    two then 

open'd  her  eyes the  corporal  wiped  'em 

with   the   bottom  of  her   apron she  then 

open'd  her  heart  and  told  him  all. 


294 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XXX. 

MY  uncle  Toby  and  the  corporal  had 
gone  on  separately  with  their  opera- 
tions the  greatest  part  of  the  cam- 
paign, and  as  effectually  cut  off  from  all 
communication  of  what  either  the  one  or 
the  other  had  been  doing,  as  if  they  had 
been  separated  from  each  other  by  the 
Maes  or   the   Sambre. 

My  uncle  Toby,  on  his  side,  had  pre- 
sented himself  every  afternoon  in  his  red 
and  silver,  and  blue  and  gold  alternately, 
and  sustained  an  infinity  of  attacks  in  them, 
without  knowing  them  to  be  attacks — and 
so  had  nothing  to  communicate 

The  corporal,  on  his  side,  in  taking 
Bridget,  by  it  had  gain'd  considerable  ad- 
vantages  and   consequently  had  much  to 

communicate but  what  were  the  advan- 
tages  as   well   as  what  was    the   manner 

by  which  he  had  seiz'd  them,  required  so 
nice  an  historian,  that  the  corporal  durst 
not  venture  upon  it;    and  as  sensible  as  he 

996 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

was  of  glory,  would  rather  have  been  con- 
tented to  have  gone  bareheaded  and  with- 
out laurels  for  ever,  than  torture  his  mas- 
ter's modesty  for  a  single  moment 

Best  of  honest  and  gallant  servants! 


But   I   have   apostrophiz'd  thee,    Trim! 

once  before and  could  I  apotheosize  thee 

also  (that  is  to  say)  with  good  company 

I  would  do  it  without  ceremony  in  the  very 
next  page. 


CHAPTER    XXXI. 

NOW  my  uncle  Toby  had  one  evening 
laid  down  his  pipe  upon  the  table, 
and  was  counting  over  to  himself 
upon  his  finger  ends  (beginning  at  his 
thumb)  all  Mrs  Wadmari's  perfections  one 
by  one;  and  happening  two  or  three  times 
together,  either  by  omitting  some,  or  count- 
ing others  twice  over,  to  puzzle  himself 
sadly  before  he  could  get  beyond  his  mid- 
dle finger Prithee,  Trim!  said  he,  taking 

up  his  pipe  again, bring  me  a  pen  and 

ink:    Trim  brought  paper  also. 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Take  a  full  sheet Trim!  said  my  uncle 

Toby,  making  a  sign  with  his  pipe  at  the 
same  time  to  take  a  chair  and  sit  down 
close    by   him    at    the    table.      The    corporal 

obeyed placed   the   paper   directly   before 

him took    a    pen,    and    dipp'd    it    in    the 

ink. 

— She  has  a  thousand  virtues,  Trim!  said 
my  uncle  Toby 

Am  I  to  set  them  down,  an'  please  your 
honour?  quoth  the  corporal. 

But    they    must    be    taken    in    their 

ranks,  replied  my  uncle  Toby;  for  of  them 
all,  Trim,  that  which  wins  me  most,  and 
which  is  a  security  for  all  the  rest,  is  the 
compassionate  turn  and  singular  humanity 
of  her  character — I  protest,  added  my  uncle 
Toby,  looking  up,  as  he  protested  it,  towards 

the   top  of  the  ceiling That  was   I    her 

brother,  Trim,  a  thousand  fold,  she  could 
not    make    more    constant    or    more    tender 

enquiries  after  my  sufferings though  now 

no  more. 

The  corporal  made  no  reply  to  my  uncle 
Toby's  protestation,  but  by  a  short  cough — 
he  dipp'd  the  pen  a  second  time  into  the 
inkhorn;   and  my  uncle   Toby,  pointing  with 

2<>7 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

the  end  of  his  pipe  as  close  to  the  top  of 
the  sheet  at  the  left  hand  corner  of  it,  as 

he  could  get  it the  corporal  wrote  down 

the  word 
HUMANITY thus. 

Prithee,  corporal,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  as 

soon   as  Trim   had   done   it how   often 

does  Mrs  Bridget  enquire  after  the  wound 
on  the  cap  of  thy  knee,  which  thou  re- 
ceived'st  at  the  battle  of  Landen  ? 

She    never,    an'    please    your    honour,    en 
quires  after  it  at  all. 

That,  corporal,  said  my  uncle   Toby,  with 
all  the  triumph  the  goodness  of   his  nature 

would  permit That   shews   the  difference 

in   the   character  of   the   mistress   and   maid 

had    the    fortune    of    war    allotted    the 

same  mischance  to  me,  Mrs  IVadman  would 
have  enquired  into  every  circumstance  re- 
lating to  it  a  hundred  times She  would 

have  enquired,  an'  please  your  honour,  ten 
times  as  often  about  your  honour's  groin 
The  pain,  Trim,  is  equally  excruciat- 
ing,  and  Compassion  has  as  much  to  do 

with  the  one  as  the  other 

God    bless    your    honour !    cried    the 

corporal what  has  a  woman's  compassion 

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OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

to  do  with  a  wound  upon  the  cap  of  a 
man's  knee?  had  your  honour's  been  shot 
into  ten  thousand  splinters  at  the  affair  of 
Landen,  Mrs  Wadman  would  have  troubled 
her  head  as  little  about  it  as  Bridget;  be- 
cause, added  the  corporal,  lowering  his  voice, 
and  speaking  very  distinctly,  as  he  assigned 
his  reason 

' '  The  knee  is  such  a  distance  from  the 
main  body whereas  the  groin,  your  hon- 
our knows,  is  upon  the  very  curtain  of  the 
place. " 

My  uncle   Toby   gave   a   long  whistle 

but  in  a  note  which  could  scarce  be  heard 
across  the  table. 

The  corporal  had  advanced  too  far  to  re- 
tire  in  three  words  he  told  the  rest 

My  uncle  Toby  laid  down  his  pipe  as 
gently  upon  the  fender,  as  if  it  had  been 
spun  from  the  unravellings  of  a  spider's 
web 

Let  us  go  to  my  brother  Shandy's, 

said  he. 


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THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XXXII. 

THERE  will  be  just  time,  whilst  my 
uncle  Toby  and  Trim  are  walking  to 
my  father's,  to  inform  you  that  Mrs 
Wadman  had,  some  moons  before  this,  made 
a  confident  of  my  mother;  and  that  Mrs 
Hridget,  who  had  the  burden  of  her  own, 
as  well  as  her  mistress's  secret  to  carry, 
had  got  happily  delivered  of  both  to  Susan- 
nah behind  the  garden-wall. 

As   for    my   mother,   she    saw   nothing   at 

all  in  it,  to  make  the  least  bustle  about 

but  Susannah  was  sufficient  by  herself  for  all 
the  ends  and  purposes  you  could  possibly 
have,  in  exporting  a  family  secret;  for  she 
instantly  imparted   it   by  signs   to  Jonathan 

and  Jonathan  by  tokens  to  the  cook  as 

she  was  basting  a  loin  of  mutton;  the  cook 
sold  it  with  some  kitchen-fat  to  the  postil- 
lion for  a  groat,  who  truck' d  it  with  the 
dairy  maid  for  something  of  about  the  same 
value and  though  whisper 'd  in  the  hay- 
loft, Fame  caught  the  notes  with  her  brazen 

300 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

trumpet,  and  sounded  them  upon  the  house- 
top— In  a  word,  not  an  old  woman  in  the 
village  or  five  miles  round,  who  did  not  un- 
derstand the  difficulties  of  my  uncle  Toby's 
siege,  and  what  were  the  secret  articles  which 
had  delayed  the  surrender. 

My  father,  whose  way  was  to  force  every 
event  in  nature  into  an  hypothesis,  by 
which  means  never  man  crucified  Truth  at 

the   rate   he   did had   but  just   heard   of 

the  report  as  my  uncle  Toby  set  out;  and 
catching  fire  suddenly  at  the  trespass  done 
his  brother  by  it,  was  demonstrating  to 
Yorick,     notwithstanding     my    mother    was 

sitting    by not    only,    "That    the    devil 

was  in  women,  and  that  the  whole  of  the 
affair  was  lust ;  ' '  but  that  every  evil  and 
disorder  in  the  world  of  what  kind  or  na- 
ture soever,  from  the  first  fall  of  Adam, 
down  to  my  uncle  Toby's  (inclusive),  was 
owing  one  way  or  other  to  the  same  un- 
ruly appetite. 

Yorick  was  just  bringing  my  father's 
hypothesis  to  some  temper,  when  my  uncle 
Toby  entering  the  room  with  marks  of  infi- 
nite benevolence  and  forgiveness  in  his  looks, 
my  father's  eloquence   rekindled  against  the 

301 


THE   LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

passion and   as  he  was   not  very  nice  in 

the  choice  of  his  words  when  he  was  wroth 

as  soon   as   my  uncle   Toby  was  seated 

by  the  fire,    and    had    filled    his    pipe,    my 
father  broke  out  in  this  manner. 


CHAPTER    XXXIII. 

'  I  ^HAT    provision    should    be    made 

A  for  continuing  the  race  of  so 
great,  so  exalted  and  godlike  a 
Being  as  man — I  am  far  from  denying — 
but  philosophy  speaks  freely  of  every  thing; 
and  therefore  I  still  think  and  do  maintain 
it  to  be  a  pity,  that  it  should  be  done  by 
means  of  a  passion  which  bends  down  the 
faculties,  and  turns  all  the  wisdom,  con- 
templations,    and     operations     of    the     soul 

backwards a  passion,  my  dear,  continued 

my  father,  addressing  himself  to  my  mother, 
which  couples  and  equals  wise  men  with 
fools,  and  makes  us  come  out  of  our  cav- 
erns and  hiding-places  more  like  satyrs  and 
four-footed  beasts  than  men. 

309 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

I  know  it  will  be  said,  continued  my 
father    (availing    himself    of    the    Prolepsis) 

that    in    itself,    and    simply    taken like 

hunger,   or   thirst,   or   sleep 'tis   an   affair 

neither  good  or  bad — or  shameful  or  other- 
wise.   Why    then    did    the    delicacy    of 

Diogenes  and  Plato  so  recalcitrate  against 
it?  and  wherefore,  when  we  go  about  to 
make  and  plant  a  man,  do  we  put  out  the 
candle?  and  for  what  reason  is  it,  that  all 
the  parts  thereof — the  congredients  —  the 
preparations — the  instruments,  and  whatever 
serves  thereto,  are  so  held  as  to  be  con- 
veyed to  a  cleanly  mind  by  no  language, 
translation,  or  periphrasis  whatever? 

The   act  of  killing   and   destroying   a 

man,  continued  my  father,  raising  his  voice 
— and  turning  to  my  uncle  Toby — you  see, 
is  glorious — and  the  weapons   by  which  we 

do    it    are    honourable We    march    with 

them  upon  our  shoulders We  strut  with 

them   by   our   sides We   gild   them 

We  carve  them We  in-lay  them We 

enrich  them Nay,  if  it  be  but  a  scoun- 
drel cannon,  we  cast  an  ornament  upon  the 
breach  of  it. — 

My  uncle  Toby  laid  down  his  pipe  to 

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THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

intercede  for  a  better  epithet and   Yorick 

was   rising  up  to  batter  the  whole  hypothe- 
sis to  pieces 

When  Obadiah  broke  into  the  middle 


of  the  room  with  a  complaint,  which  cried 
out  for  an  immediate  hearing. 

The  case  was  this: 

My  father,  whether  by  ancient  custom  of 
the  manor,  or  as  impropriator  of  the  great 
tythes,  was  obliged  to  keep  a  Bull  for  the 
service  of  the  Parish,  and  Obadiah  had  led 
his  cow  upon  a  pop-visit  to  him  one  day  or 

other  the  preceding  summer 1   say,  one 

day  or  other — because  as  chance  would  have 
it,  it  was  the  day  on  which  he  was  married 

to   my   father's   house-maid so   one   was 

a  reckoning  to  the  other.  Therefore,  when 
Obadiah'' s  wife  was  brought  to  bed — Oba- 
diah thanked  God 

Now,    said    Obadiah,    I    shall    have    a 


calf:  so  Obadiah  went  daily  to  visit  his 
cow. 

She'll  calve  on  Monday — on  Tuesday — on 
Wednesday  at  the  farthest 

The  cow  did  not  calve no — she'll  not 

calve  till  next  week the  cow   put  it  off 

terribly till  at  the  end  of  the  sixth  week 

304 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Obadiah' s  suspicions  (like  a  good  man's)  fell 
upon  the  Bull. 

Now  the  parish  being  very  large,  my 
father's  Bull,  to  speak  the  truth  of  him, 
was  no  way  equal  to  the  department;  he 
had,  however,  got  himself,  somehow  or 
other,  thrust  into  employment — and  as  he 
went  through  the  business  with  a  grave 
face,  my  father  had  a  high  opinion  of  him. 

Most    of    the    townsmen,    an'    please 

your  worship,  quoth  Obadiah,  believe  that 
'tis   all   the    Bull's   fault 

But   may   not   a   cow   be   barren?   re- 


plied my  father,  turning  to  Doctor  Slop. 

It  never  happens:  said  Dr  Slop,  but  the 
man's  wife  may  have  come  before  her  time 

naturally   enough Prithee   has   the   child 

hair  upon  his  head  ? — added  Dr  Slop 

It  is  as  hairy  as  I  am;  said  Obadiah. 


Obadiah  had  not  been  shaved  for  three 

weeks Wheu  --u u cried 

my  father;    beginning  the  sentence  with  an 

exclamatory     whistle and     so,      brother 

Toby,  this  poor  Bull  of  mine,  who  is  as 
good  a  Bull  as  ever  p — ss'd,  and  might 
have  done  for  Europa  herself  in  purer 
times had    he   but   two   legs   less,   might 

305 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

have    been    driven    into    Doctors    Commons 

and   lost  his  character which  to  a  Town 

Bull,  brother  Toby,  is  the  very  same  thing 
as  his  life 

L — d  !  said  my  mother,  what  is  all  this 
story  about? 

A  cock  and  a  bull,  said  Yorick And 

one  of  the  best  of  its  kind,  I  ever  heard. 


THE    END. 


306 


